To say if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me?

[PinkAndViolet]

Mutual friend felt my husband was rude to her. She had looked after the kids for us and when reporting back bad behaviour, he said it didn't seem right what she was saying and she then said she felt attacked.
Anyway, she told me how bad she felt in a text and how upset she was with my husband. It's clear she now has a problem with him and I did think it wrong that she told me in detail about how she feels as felt like she is pitting us off against each other. Aibu to be annoyed and stick by my husband?

@MurderAtTheBeautyPageant

okay tammy wynette

"okay tammy wynette"
😂 Brilliant!

@PinkAndViolet

I meant if she had an issue with what he said, she should have addressed that with him. Complaining to me smacks of stirring up trouble between me and DH

How so??

That you even have the chutzpah to ask if your reaction is reasonable just shows how far you're willing to go in order not to accept emotional responsibility.

Your friend is not responsible for your emotional reaction.
Like some pp have pointed out you're hypersensitive to constructive criticism
Teach your children to behave better and start setting the example by owning your errors and not minimising how your actions affect others

Seems to me that your DH thinks that his kids can do no wrong and you think that your DH can do no wrong and that you are going to have to find another babysitter for your rude kids.

She's told your husband that the kids have misbehaved and he's more-or-less stuck up for them, and you're more-or-less sticking up for him.

I can see why she's pissed off with the both of you.

Whatever your kids did it obviously was a problem for her so the correct response is "I'm sorry". Maybe she has different house rules or different standards to you.

@PinkAndViolet

“To say if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me?“

Erm no, because you and your husband are two separate people, are you not?

@PinkAndViolet

DH went to collect them and so she told him first. He said she took it the wrong way and/or it wasn't meant to sound accusatory. Either way she said herself the trust has gone in our relationships. I do feel though that she should have told DH how she felt more rather than coming to me. Just don't like being put in that position where she criticised him to me.

My sister has since died, but my EH used to bitch and moan and whine and complain to me about her whenever she stayed with us. He never said a cross word to her and was always pleasant. It was exhausting and drove me mad. If your friend has a problem with your DH, the greatest favour you can do is to tell her to take it to him directly, and to leave you out of the middle. Middle of the road is the most dangerous place to drive.

It reads to me that she did a favour, she looked after your children, she tried to discuss with your DH what had happened, which doesn't align with his view of the children, so became defensive.
She's tried to discuss it with you, ans you've been defensive.

No it doesn't need to be that way, not at all.
Your husband "not my childed!" Your friend who was obviously quite a trustworthy person to have been in the situation where she was supervising them without you or DH there. TBH there is a way of accepting criticism of your children's behaviour that doesn't tar them as awful human beings. "I'm really surprised at that, I've never seen that in him/her, that's really disappointing, we will need to have a discussion about that, as it's unlike them! Get to the bottom of this new reaction- blimming kids eh! I'm sorry they were trouble for you" we will definitely have yours back at x opportunity!

No point in getting butt hurt, even the nicest kid can be a little shit sometimes. My DD, sweet, kind, lovely, DD told me there was a very naughty kid in her class, no one knew who it was- was scraping the paint off the toilet wall. We discussed it at length. She was only 5 at the time. I told her not to be friends with the child who did it, obviously not a nice child.

Turned out to only be DD didn't it.turned out she was being bullied at school and would go into the toilet and scrape her nails on the walls. I'd have put money on it not being my DD. The point is our kids surprise us.

And tbh; I'd not necessarily take Uxbridge with someone finding DH defensive. If they just didn't like my children or my husband yeah I'd be of that opinion, but if your friend was trying to talk to you about your DH being defensive I'd have probably said, yeah he does maybe have a bit less of an ability to not become defensive with himself and the kids, but we all know neither men or children are perfect! Hes very grateful that you told us, but I think its hurt his ego that there's any idea they're not 100% perfect, he just has to acclimatise to the fact that children have a monstrous streak!

It doesn't need to be savagery from her part, or yours.

Might have missed something but why would she lie to you about your kids’ behaviour? Has she done so before?
Oh well, at least you’ll know not to leave them with her (or anyone?) again.

I'm surprised you have an issue with your friend being honest and having good communication skills.
It sounds like you'd rather your friends not be honest with you.

Something you and your DH could learn from.

Given the behaviour of all concerned, I think it’s time to move on from the friendship because you clearly aren’t invested in it.

When DH picked u pthe kids did she say then she no longer wanted to be friends, or only after he'd responded to her complaints? If the latter, I'd wonder how he'd treated her for her to feel she could no longer be friends with him

@PinkAndViolet

All I'm saying is that complaining about my DH after ending the friendship just felt in poor taste to me. I wished her well, I said both me and DH did so I wish she had followed suit instead of souring things. There have been a few other incidents leading up to this where she has fallen out with one of us but not going into that here as too outing. The right thing to do was end the friendship between us all but I do think it was wrong of her to pit me against my own husband. Like others have said on here, how was I meant to respond? I was hardly going to say 'I agree with you, he is awful isn't he and so are the kids.' I just don't know what she was thinking when she did that and what she wanted the end result to be. DH is not perfect and is not always clear when he communicates but he is definitely not unkind or ungrateful.

Hi Lucy, I'm sorry you feel DH was saying you'd lied after so kindly having the kids for you. We of course know you wouldn't lie, and I'm just sad this has made a hard day even harder. I'll get Steve to drop you a text.

"Steve, what did yo u say to Lucy? She's just text me saying she felt you didn't believe that Macie-Grai had back-chatted her and that Billie-Eliut had swore at her. Can you text her and sort it out.

Honestly, if DW sent me a text asking me to join in with the drama llama.
I'd just say no.

My relationship with that person would be terminated permanently, who has time for bullshit like this.

@PinkAndViolet

You’re being really weird about this OP. She’s not
trying to “pit you against your husband”, get a grip!

And when you say that she should talk to him rather than you…well, she tried and he was defensive and unreceptive. You trusted her enough to look after your kids but don’t trust her intentions on this?!

Not sure what more you want from her?

All this pathetic talk of “standing by” DH and “if you have a problem with my H you have a problem with me” - just makes you sound a bit weird and the kind of woman I pity

You have two threads about this situation. What is your purpose of having the two threads?
This is the other thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4530885-Should-she-have-said-goodbye-to-my-kids

Didn't like the advice I assume @LookItsMeAgain