Page 7 | To say if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me?

PinkAndViolet · 2022-03-28T12:23:35+00:00

Mutual friend felt my husband was rude to her. She had looked after the kids for us and when reporting back bad behaviour, he said it didn't seem right what she was saying and she then said she felt attacked. Anyway, she told me how bad she felt in a text and how upset she was with my husband. It's clear she now has a problem with him and I did think it wrong that she told me in detail about how she feels as felt like she is pitting us off against each other. Aibu to be annoyed and stick by my husband?

Justmuddlingalong · 28/03/2022 17:13

I had a bad experience with my exH. He picked fault with supportive friends and tried to socially distance me from them. When I finally plucked up the courage to leave him, boy, did those same friends step up when I really needed them most.

Walkingalot · 28/03/2022 17:14

She was doing you a favour. The polite thing to have done was for him to apologise and say that he'd talk to the DC when they got home. End of. If he was dismissive about it, defensive or whatever, I can understand why she felt the need to raise it with you. I doubt very much she made it all up just to cause trouble between you and your OH (unless there's a massive back story).

Moodycow78 · 28/03/2022 17:20

PinkAndViolet

I feel she should have spoken to my DH rather than me. I was annoyed she put me in that position. Did feel like she was trying to stir up trouble. Telling me she felt attacked and that it wasn't fair how she was treated by him.

If she felt 'attacked' and in any way uncomfortable by your DHs reaction I can well see why she hasn't approached him directly Tbh. I'd be MORTIFIED if my DH made a friend feel this way but you do you 🙄

goawaystormy · 28/03/2022 17:20

You're contradicting yourself. One minute you're saying if she has a problem with him she has a problem with you then in the next breath you're saying she shouldn't be involving you in her squabble with him! Which is it?

I think it's because she's made it an 'active' problem with him by directly texting OP to go into detail about the problem she has with the H - I can't fathom what she'd text OP to reply.

I've over the years has 'problems' with various friends partners in that I just didn't like them or they rubbed me up the wrong way a little (i'd say like having a 'passive' problem with them) but I'd never go bitching to my friend about their partner. I'd just suggest more social occassions just us without any partner so i still got to see the friend but didn't have to put up with the partner. You can not like someone and avoid their company without going to the extreme of complaining about them to their partner and saying there's no way back.

I expect OP means friend shouldn't have involved her at all and should've just kept it to herself and tactfully avoided seeing the H in the future, but now friend has involved OP and directly insulted her H to her she has to take her H's side.

HereWeGoAgain322 · 28/03/2022 17:24

Sounds like both of you are quite easily offended. Him with the kids and you with him. I think you should get him to apologise to her for the way he spoke.

alwaysontheloo · 28/03/2022 17:24

Maybe your DC are as rude as you and your DH are OP? 🤔

Your friend looked after your DC for you and when offloading to your H. The only reply that should have come from him (and you!) was an apology. To gob off back and for you to take this scratty approach is totally CFery.

Turningpurple · 28/03/2022 17:29

I expect OP means friend shouldn't have involved her at all and should've just kept it to herself and tactfully avoided seeing the H in the future, but now friend has involved OP and directly insulted her H to her she has to take her H's side.

How could she avoid him, he went to her house. She can only not see him be refusing to have the kids again. Which is fine, but op would then likey be wondering why.

One parent decided that the kids couldn't have misbehaved, it's perfectly normal to go to the other parent in that case.

FairyCakeWings · 28/03/2022 17:29

I think it's because she's made it an 'active' problem with him by directly texting OP to go into detail about the problem she has with the H - I can't fathom what she'd text OP to reply.

Maybe because the children who the original conversation was about belong to the OP as well as her DH, so it’s the OP’s business too.

goawaystormy · 28/03/2022 17:31

@FairyCakeWings

I think it's because she's made it an 'active' problem with him by directly texting OP to go into detail about the problem she has with the H - I can't fathom what she'd text OP to reply.

Maybe because the children who the original conversation was about belong to the OP as well as her DH, so it’s the OP’s business too.

Except she didn't text OP to talk about the kids. She sent her a long message about all her grievances with her H and said there was no coming back - how did she expect OP to reply/react to that?

goawaystormy · 28/03/2022 17:33

@Turningpurple

I expect OP means friend shouldn't have involved her at all and should've just kept it to herself and tactfully avoided seeing the H in the future, but now friend has involved OP and directly insulted her H to her she has to take her H's side.

How could she avoid him, he went to her house. She can only not see him be refusing to have the kids again. Which is fine, but op would then likey be wondering why.

One parent decided that the kids couldn't have misbehaved, it's perfectly normal to go to the other parent in that case.

I quite clearly said she should avoid him IN FUTURE.

I'm aware he was at he house at that moment, but rather than text OP a long message full of drama and tell her there's no coming back with her H she could've just made polite excuses about not having the kids in future and avoided the H with breezy comments like 'let's make it a girls night' etc

Sswhinesthebest · 28/03/2022 17:37

Perhaps accept that neither your kids or your husband are perfect. They might be great most of the time but most of us cock up and just sometimes it’s our fault. Your kids were rude and your dh’s response doesn’t sound great either.

Be more appreciative of people who do favours for you.

nitsandwormsdodger · 28/03/2022 17:37

ustmuddlingalong

I think there's a very fine line between sticking by your DH, when others have criticised him, and isolating yourself from friends in order to defend him

This 💯👌

Sswhinesthebest · 28/03/2022 17:38

Reminds me of the parents at school who always thinks their little angels would never be responsible, or partly responsible for things.

Turningpurple · 28/03/2022 17:40

I'm aware he was at he house at that moment, but rather than text OP a long message full of drama and tell her there's no coming back with her H she could've just made polite excuses about not having the kids in future and avoided the H with breezy comments like 'let's make it a girls night' etc.
🙄

Yes I know what you said. Not sure why I have to repeat my whole post but....

Let's say friend didn't say anything, op asks her to have kids again, does she say 'yeah fine but can you pick them up' or 'yeah but they were rude last time' or 'yeah but dh can't come pick them up'

Or refuses, which will leave op would wondering why. Or wondering why she has a problem with her husband at which comes out anyway.

Parent one didn't want to address the children's poor behaviour. So she told the other parent. If op see then as one cohesive unit, why can't the friend go to both?

They can't be a unit sometimes but actually also separate and nothing to do with each other.

Whatever00 · 28/03/2022 17:41

YABU

I would talk to my friend if I had an issue with her husband because she is supposedly mu friend.

She did you a favour and your both being aholes. If I were her wouldn't want to be your friend anyway. You were quick to be defensive, dismissive and dash her.

They do say no good deed goes unpunished.

FairyCakeWings · 28/03/2022 17:42

Except she didn't text OP to talk about the kids. She sent her a long message about all her grievances with her H and said there was no coming back - how did she expect OP to reply/react to that?

They weren’t random grievances though, they were created because she’d tried to have a normal conversation with him about his children. The ones he shares with the OP.

You’d have a point if the friend had sent a text after randomly bumping into OPs DH in a car park and having a row about a space or something, but this was about their children, when the friend was doing a favour for OP too. Unless OP posts the whole text the friend sent, (which wouldn’t be wise!) we can’t make a judgement on how it comes across.

neveradullmoment99 · 28/03/2022 17:43

@Gonnagetgoing

Sounds a bit like, your kids are allowed to misbehave (bad parenting?) and you don't like it when someone calls you out on it.

Presenting a united front and ignoring your kids bad behaviour is understandable (of course you want to stick up for your husband and kids) but most people I know who state this opinion about behaviour are doing it because it really was bad.

Absolutely this. Is it not possible your kids were actually badly behaved and you are more offended by the fact that they were and she told you about it. Sort your children's behaviour out.

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 17:43

So your dh accused her if lying after she had your kids as a favour and then you are also making excuses for his behaviour
Why would she lir

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 17:43

Lie

Cornettoninja · 28/03/2022 17:47

@HereWeGoAgain322

Sounds like both of you are quite easily offended. Him with the kids and you with him. I think you should get him to apologise to her for the way he spoke.

In fairness, without a lot more information (exactly what occurred with the kids, exactly what and how the DH said and reacted, previous history with the friend and general character etc.) the same could be said of the friend.

Ultimately the initial exchange was between the DH and DF. OP can only really deal with the kids, there’s not a fat lot she can do about her DH other than act as a go between and why should she? If the friend can’t separate her and her DH then hows the OP meant to?

ldontWanna · 28/03/2022 17:49

Out of curiosity,where would you draw the line? At which point can a friend tell you that your husband has behaved badly ?

whynotwhy · 28/03/2022 17:52

Your friend should take it up with your husband. She is being a coward.

Chonfox · 28/03/2022 17:59

This is one of those situations where you'd really have to know the people involved to cast judgment.

It depends how he said it/if he was dismissive and has an abrasive personality or if she misconstrued his genuine curiousness about the incident with your children and she has form for being a bit of a drama llama. I do think though in pretty much all circumstances that he should have at least been apologetic to her if she reported that your DC were rude to her. I would be mortified if someone told me that about my DC.

Since he wasn't apologetic it was not inappropriate for her to bring it up with you at all. I'm surprised you think that. You're her friend not him. She obviously tried to tell him first but his response was unsatisfactory to her so it makes sense she'd raise the issue with you.

How old are the DC and how rude are we talking?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/03/2022 18:03

@PinkAndViolet

I meant if she had an issue with what he said, she should have addressed that with him. Complaining to me smacks of stirring up trouble between me and DH

Or he was an arse and she didn't feel able to challenge him in case he got worse.

Its bad enough that she no longer wants to be your friend, and you don't feel she should ever criticise your darling husband to you, so sounds like it's resolved itself.

And yes, yabu

borntobequiet · 28/03/2022 18:03

Looks like you’ve lost a babysitter.