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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me?

218 replies

PinkAndViolet · 28/03/2022 13:23

Mutual friend felt my husband was rude to her. She had looked after the kids for us and when reporting back bad behaviour, he said it didn't seem right what she was saying and she then said she felt attacked.
Anyway, she told me how bad she felt in a text and how upset she was with my husband. It's clear she now has a problem with him and I did think it wrong that she told me in detail about how she feels as felt like she is pitting us off against each other. Aibu to be annoyed and stick by my husband?

OP posts:
Turningpurple · 28/03/2022 14:05

No sorry absolutely do not believe that if she has and issue with your husband she has an issue with you.

She spoke to your husband who told her 'thanks for putting your self out for is, but no. My child didn't act like that'

As you are her friend she came to you to discuss and you are simply ending the friendship.

Why would you think you always have to side with your husband? He can do what he wants and you support him? And cut off friends over it?

Do you really believe he nevers does anything wrong? Or do you know he does and ignore it?

Gowithme · 28/03/2022 14:06

Instead of being 'surprised' that his little angels could ever be in the slightest bit rude he should have apologised to her, thanked her for having them and told her he would deal with it - or asked them about it in front of her and then he could have got them to apologise and told them it wasn't on.

Instead it was clear he didn't believe her so she told you about it - and then instead of getting to the bottom of it with husband/kids, you were also annoyed at her for some reason.

Has anyone even asked the kids about it yet??

mewkins · 28/03/2022 14:06

@oliviastwisted

Your husband only needed to listen to what your friend said, he did not have to get defensive with her. A holding statement saying “thanks for letting me know, I’ll deal with it” would have kept your friend happy in that moment, Later, without the friend present he could have spoken to the children and heard them out and dealt with them or not whatever he determined from that conversation.

However in the moment he chose to minimise and dismiss your friend, who was doing him a favour. Whatever the wrongs or rights of the situation with the kids I am not surprised your friend wasn’t happy.

Exactly this! Why wouldn't you believe the adult if you trusted them enough to watch the kids for you in the first place??! Maybe she feels she can't address anything with your (defensive) dh.
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/03/2022 14:07

@Bushkin

Friend tells DH kids were badly behaved - he doesn’t believe/take her seriously

Friend tells you DH badly behaved- you don’t believe/take her seriously

Do you think maybe as a family you have an issue with receiving criticism?

This!
SunnySideUp2020 · 28/03/2022 14:08

I can see why her texting you about this would be annoying and put you in an awkward place.
However, your husband was bu telling her it's unlikely the kids were behaving as she described. It's rude and ungrateful of him. He wasn't there and he trusted her with his kids so why act like a knob?

If i were you I'd ask the DH what he was thinking and to apologise to her. Honestly. If you are friends...

Velvian · 28/03/2022 14:09

I would reply something.
'I'm really sorry to hear DH came across that way. I've spoken to him about it, he was shocked and surprised that the DCs behaved that way and it was not the case that he did not believe you. We have talked to the DC about their behaviour.

Thank you so much for having them for us, I'm sorry that they were so difficult for you. Please let me know when we can look after your DC in return. '

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/03/2022 14:14

If someone has a problem with your husband, they have a problem with your husband. He would probably like you to side with him and take offence and get rid of a friend who doesn't like him, but that doesn't mean you should.

Has your friend previously been a troublemaker? Have your children previously been rude or misbehaved? Does your DH get defensive or aggressive when he feels criticised? If you think about these things you can probably guess what had really happened here.

5128gap · 28/03/2022 14:15

Unless you're Tammy Wynette, surely you 'stick by' whoever is in the right?

Quitelikeit · 28/03/2022 14:20

I’m afraid I feel your friend did the right thing in letting you know how she felt.

She was doing you a favour and quite rightly she was letting your husband know that your children had been misbehaving.

As you keep saying she is ‘my friend’ of course she is going to mention it to you because you are her ‘friend’.

If you were genuine friends you’d know where she was coming from so I guess things have run there course

marqueses · 28/03/2022 14:21

Do what suits you it sounds a bit Eastenders to me, are you not allowed to have a separate identity and view to your husband. Personally I don't understand blind faith in another person regardless of the the facts which appears to be what you are suggesting

Momicrone · 28/03/2022 14:23

Your dh was in the wrong

Gonnagetgoing · 28/03/2022 14:24

Sounds a bit like, your kids are allowed to misbehave (bad parenting?) and you don't like it when someone calls you out on it.

Presenting a united front and ignoring your kids bad behaviour is understandable (of course you want to stick up for your husband and kids) but most people I know who state this opinion about behaviour are doing it because it really was bad.

Nicholethejewellery · 28/03/2022 14:24

You're not your husband. If he was driving to work and got done for drink-driving, would you expect to lose your own licence too? No, because he did it, not you.

Normally this sort of problem occurs the other way round, that the partner gets tarred with the same brush because of what the other half did.

dancinfeet · 28/03/2022 14:26

Well it depends what actually happened. My friend’s husband said something nasty to me, I told her, she stood by him. I stopped speaking to her as I no longer wanted to be around him, and he would tag along whenever I attempted to meet her. 8 years later, they are divorced and we are still no longer friends. Unless your husband is completely flawless in his behaviour always, I would be listening to both and making my own decision about who was out of order.

girlmom21 · 28/03/2022 14:26

So your kids were shits when she was doing you a favour, she told your husband and he said "nah that can't be right. They're good kids."

What he should have said was "I'm really sorry. I'll have a word. Thanks so much for doing us a massive favour."

She probably told you because your husband was dismissive and she knew the message wouldn't get back.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 28/03/2022 14:27

@Turningpurple

No sorry absolutely do not believe that if she has and issue with your husband she has an issue with you.

She spoke to your husband who told her 'thanks for putting your self out for is, but no. My child didn't act like that'

As you are her friend she came to you to discuss and you are simply ending the friendship.

Why would you think you always have to side with your husband? He can do what he wants and you support him? And cut off friends over it?

Do you really believe he nevers does anything wrong? Or do you know he does and ignore it?

She's highly unlikely to cut her husband though, is she. Too much drama, I'd take on board what the friend said, dissipate with a bit of time and space. If the friend decided they'd didn't want to be reasonable and keep a grudge they'd be gone.
ComeSailAway · 28/03/2022 14:27

Couples are a package deal, in my experience.
I had a lovely friend in uni who married a total ass. I had to drop her completely. I

Turningpurple · 28/03/2022 14:28

She's highly unlikely to cut her husband though, is she.

She doesn't need to cut anyone out.

Why would she have to.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/03/2022 14:30

You are so unreasonable, that woman was helping you out

Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 28/03/2022 14:30

I feel she should have spoken to my DH rather than me. I was annoyed she put me in that position. Did feel like she was trying to stir up trouble. Telling me she felt attacked and that it wasn't fair how she was treated by him.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 28/03/2022 14:30

@PinkAndViolet

I feel she should have spoken to my DH rather than me. I was annoyed she put me in that position. Did feel like she was trying to stir up trouble. Telling me she felt attacked and that it wasn't fair how she was treated by him.
She did speak to him and he shut her down
PeekabooAtheZoo · 28/03/2022 14:32

Sounds to me like she's on the defensive because she knows she was making it up to cause drama. When that drama didn't work she caused more drama by going to you. She sounds like a shit stirrer. Just because someone has watched your kids that doesn't make them a good friend or a blameless saint. If she's like this I'd chuck her.

And while I'd take minor criticism of my DH on board, or genuine issues, I'd actually tell a 'friend' to dick off in a situation like this, and have in the past. And I'd expect my friends to do the same if I behaved like your 'friend'. When I have a problem with someone's partner, I distance myself from them until they see it for themselves and dump them. I'd never go telling tales to their wife like she was his keeper.

Africa2go · 28/03/2022 14:32

Agree with some of the other posters that its classic "we're not in the wrong" behaviour - whether that be the parents or the children.

Surely the issue is that your friend did you a favour and your children misbehaved?! Stop hiding behind what happened afterwards and deal with the issue - that your children were rude!!

But to answer your question - no, if someone has a problem with your husband, it doesn't mean they have a problem with you (but in this scenario, where you've just brushed under the carpet the real issue - your children and your H's failure to acknowledge that / thank your friend for having them, she's probably justified having a problem with you too).

Justmuddlingalong · 28/03/2022 14:33

Do you feel your DH is pushing you to cut contact with her? Or is it your "it's us against the world" attitude that's fuelling your reaction?

Chilledchablis1 · 28/03/2022 14:33

She maybe tried to speak to him but he wouldn’t engage and/ or was rude ?