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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me?

218 replies

PinkAndViolet · 28/03/2022 13:23

Mutual friend felt my husband was rude to her. She had looked after the kids for us and when reporting back bad behaviour, he said it didn't seem right what she was saying and she then said she felt attacked.
Anyway, she told me how bad she felt in a text and how upset she was with my husband. It's clear she now has a problem with him and I did think it wrong that she told me in detail about how she feels as felt like she is pitting us off against each other. Aibu to be annoyed and stick by my husband?

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 28/03/2022 15:43

Em are you Jada Pinkett-Smith?WinkGrin

FairyCakeWings · 28/03/2022 15:53

I expect the friend is telling you there’s no way back because when someone looks after your kids and then tell you that they misbehaved, the only acceptable response is an apology, a thank you for looking after them, and a reassurance that the children will be spoken too.

Even if the friend was exaggerating the childrens behaviour, she was doing you a favour so the above still applies.

Your husband was rude and ungrateful, and she was probably shocked enough to think speaking to the other parent was a good idea. Unfortunately she didn’t know that you were likely to behave like a teenager whose Dad doesn’t like her boyfriend.

TyrannosaurusFlex · 28/03/2022 15:54

Are you Will Smith?

TyrannosaurusFlex · 28/03/2022 15:54

@CremeEggThief

Em are you Jada Pinkett-Smith?WinkGrin
Lmao X-post!
TeeBee · 28/03/2022 16:12

The words 'That doesn't sound right', would also make me feel that I wasn't believed. My answer would have been 'whether it sounds right or not, that's what happened and I know because I was the person there'. Then I would have said under my breath 'do your own fucking childcare then, you prick'. Maybe she feels like she needs to defend her position comments about the children as she might feel your husband might come home saying she was criticising their behaviour. To be honest, I'd just speak to her about it, face-to-face; then you can make your own decision about it.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 28/03/2022 16:15

Tbh her OTT reaction to him simply remarking 'that doesn't sound like him' is rather odd. 🤔

cakewench · 28/03/2022 16:16

@FairyCakeWings

I expect the friend is telling you there’s no way back because when someone looks after your kids and then tell you that they misbehaved, the only acceptable response is an apology, a thank you for looking after them, and a reassurance that the children will be spoken too.

Even if the friend was exaggerating the childrens behaviour, she was doing you a favour so the above still applies.

Your husband was rude and ungrateful, and she was probably shocked enough to think speaking to the other parent was a good idea. Unfortunately she didn’t know that you were likely to behave like a teenager whose Dad doesn’t like her boyfriend.

All of this! Your DH's response was rude, to be honest. I genuinely cannot imagine arguing with a friend who had just provided free childcare for me. Presumably she's someone you trust if you've left your children with her, so why would he not have at least listened to her side of things and made the right noises rather than tell her she's wrong?

However, unless you're about to drip feed and say she's the centre of all drama on your road and she's forever trying to stir things up, why on earth would you assume she's trying to pit you against each other? Or that you need to present some kind of united front on this topic? You aren't there, you didn't hear either of them. If I had a similar call from a friend I would honestly have assumed my DH was a bit tone deaf and I'd listen to her concerns/ apologise if needed.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/03/2022 16:19

Are you actually Will Smith?
Maybe you should challenge her to a duel for having insulted your husband's honour?

Hertsgirl10 · 28/03/2022 16:19

It doesn’t sound like any of you thanked the friend for looking after tour badly behaved kids and then dismissed the issues she’s raised, and why wouldn’t she tell you what happened? She’s your friend.

Makeitsoso · 28/03/2022 16:21

People are amazingly quick to moan about children. I have literally never had a child who hasn’t been a bit cheeky at some point to test the boundaries (new adult, new home, what can I get away with?!). It’s natural.
I haven’t ever complained about them. I told the child directly that no they couldn’t have three lots of ice cream or yes they do need to share the toys. I haven’t got all in a flap about it. Much less then texted a character assassination of someone to their husband or wife.
She sounds overly dramatic to me essentially making something of nothing.

newbiename · 28/03/2022 16:21

Why ? are you both the same person ?

TeeBee · 28/03/2022 16:23

I totally agree, cake wench. So many times, I've had kids over and they've been a bit of a nightmare and I've said nothing to their parents either because I never had any intention of inviting them again (because they were an utter nightmare) or I felt I could handle it myself (normal kid behaviour requiring quick intervention and better dealt with there and then). I'd only really say something if a) they were very poorly behaved and b) I ever had intention of having them again, c) my friend was a very close, trusted friend who I knew would not take it all personally but knew I was saying it because it was in their child's best interest to learn to behave in other people's homes in order to be invited again. If I said something and felt I wasn't believed, I'd definitely be taking a step back and would definitely not be inviting that child over again. OP, in your own child's best interest, I would say its worth discussing what happened directly with your friend. The vast majority of people wouldn't report bad behaviour without good reason.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/03/2022 16:23

@Gwenhwyfar

Are you actually Will Smith? Maybe you should challenge her to a duel for having insulted your husband's honour?
Ok, x-posted a few times!
Testingprof · 28/03/2022 16:24

@PinkAndViolet

I don't know how much clearer I have to make it? Friend said kids misbehaved as in were rude to her, not listening etc. She told DH when he came to collect. He was surprised and said so but she felt accused and unsupported. She then texted me a long message expressing her grievances with my husband which I did not like. I feel the right thing now is to draw a line under this as an unfortunate experience and stand by my husband/let the friendship go especially as she feel there is no comeback from this either. I do as I also said feel annoyed that she criticised my husband to me.
I also said feel annoyed that she criticised my husband to me.

This stands out to me. Your husband was sceptical when she ‘criticised’ your children and you are annoyed that she ‘criticised’ your husband. Both your children and husband misbehaved and instead of dealing with that you are complaining about the friend who did you a favour.

Your husband should have apologised for the childrens behaviour and talked to them separately. Tbh if my friend complained about my DP in circumstances similar to yours I’d have apologised for the children behaviour and spoken to DP and asked him to apologise as ultimately it doesn’t matter what his intention was it upset her and she was doing you both a favour.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/03/2022 16:25

"I have literally never had a child who hasn’t been a bit cheeky at some point to test the boundaries (new adult, new home, what can I get away with?!). It’s natural."

Wow. I don't know what it's like nowadays, but when I was a child we were always at best behaviour at someone else's house. I suppose because we were shy children and other adults were also more tolerant e.g. we didn't have to eat anything we didn't like.

SpiderVersed · 28/03/2022 16:26

She does you a favour by babysitting your kids. Your kids behaved badkly enough for her to raise it. Your husband dismissed it and implied he doesn't believe her. She tell you, her friend about it and you go all Tammy Wynette on her instead of being mortified and apologising.

Poor woman; she's better off without your rude children and husband in her life.

girlmom21 · 28/03/2022 16:26

@Makeitsoso I'd agree with you - if they were just a bit cheeky - but it sounds like the OP's friends were more than a bit cheeky if she's this upset

RantyAunty · 28/03/2022 16:39

They must have been really bad for her to tell your DH they were.
Most people use the babysitting code like PP posted.

You're married to your DH so you should know if he's pig headed, always has to be right, type of person or not.

Instead of being so offended, work on teaching your DC better behaviours and manners.

Moodycow78 · 28/03/2022 16:40

@PinkAndViolet

I don't know how much clearer I have to make it? Friend said kids misbehaved as in were rude to her, not listening etc. She told DH when he came to collect. He was surprised and said so but she felt accused and unsupported. She then texted me a long message expressing her grievances with my husband which I did not like. I feel the right thing now is to draw a line under this as an unfortunate experience and stand by my husband/let the friendship go especially as she feel there is no comeback from this either. I do as I also said feel annoyed that she criticised my husband to me.
Probably best to let the friendship go, if I was your friend I wouldn't be interested in continuing the friendship now anyway. Not sure exactly what the issue was but neither you or your DH come off well in your posts.
Alcemeg · 28/03/2022 16:40

Give her a slap! It was good enough for Will Smith!

cantbecoping · 28/03/2022 16:43

Mortified for you and even more mortified for your husband. Your FRIEND took care of your kids as a favour to you so you could go out. Your children misbehaved so badly that she felt she had to mention it to your husband. Your husband then more or less calls her a liar and that his kids wouldn't do that? I would have closed the door in his face, the absolute NECK of him! You are not much better. This is your FRIEND! Why on earth would she lie. She has every right to send that text message because your husband was being a dick.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 28/03/2022 17:04

Were the children badly behaved?

Has you friend behaved like this previously with other couples?

Does your partner upset your other friends?

I've had bad experience with ex-friend hating my partner after he turned down her flirting (it was an effort to prove he was unfaithful and I'd see him as a cheat - she was being a good friend!). She was jealous of our relationship and tried to monopolise my time. She didn't like to share me with others. She has done this type of thing many times now with seeral of her friends.

goawaystormy · 28/03/2022 17:10

She then texted me a long message expressing her grievances with my husband which I did not like. I feel the right thing now is to draw a line under this as an unfortunate experience and stand by my husband/let the friendship go especially as she feel there is no comeback from this either. I do as I also said feel annoyed that she criticised my husband to me.

Whilst i'm not entirely sure on the your child playing up/your H questioning your friend (and have a feeling alot of it's too do with tone, whether he was surprised or accusatory) I'm going to go against the grain and say I do agree with the above.

You and your H may not be one person but you are a team and you love him. What does your friend think she's going to get out of you sending you a long message bitching about your husband? Did she expect you to join in the bitching? Validate her feelings and in doing so insult and go behind the back of the man you love? Or apologise for him (they're both adults they should be sorting it out between themselves)?

Especially as she's made it clear there is no comeback i wouldn't say the friendship is viable going forward. I wouldn't be comfortable going for coffee/drinks with someone knowing they hate my partner and having to skirt around him in conversation to avoid any awkwardness. And also my friends are who i go to when i want to have a trivial moan about my partner (and they do the same before anyone accuses me of being whiny/not able to shut up about him etc etc - everyone needs a moan from time to time), I wouldn't be comfortable having this 'let off steam' moan knowing that they're actually looking for a chance to stick the boot in more that he's shit rather than just more generally emotionally support me.

I also think it's incredibly rude to insult anyones partner directly too them, it shows a lack of respect for their relationship and puts the person in an awkward position of either having to keep it a secret from their partner or upset them by telling them someones been talking about them behind their back.

TonTonMacoute · 28/03/2022 17:11

I agree it seems odd for friend to try to drag you in when you weren't there and didn't witness the conversation. How can you comment fairly?
They are adults (presumably) they should sort it out between them.

Presumably your DH is not the sort of man to be inexplicably rude to friends in which case I guess you should 'take his side' and if friend goes off in a huff because of that it's unfortunate.

Notanotherwindow · 28/03/2022 17:11

You're contradicting yourself. One minute you're saying if she has a problem with him she has a problem with you then in the next breath you're saying she shouldn't be involving you in her squabble with him! Which is it?