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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me?

218 replies

PinkAndViolet · 28/03/2022 13:23

Mutual friend felt my husband was rude to her. She had looked after the kids for us and when reporting back bad behaviour, he said it didn't seem right what she was saying and she then said she felt attacked.
Anyway, she told me how bad she felt in a text and how upset she was with my husband. It's clear she now has a problem with him and I did think it wrong that she told me in detail about how she feels as felt like she is pitting us off against each other. Aibu to be annoyed and stick by my husband?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 28/03/2022 14:33

@PinkAndViolet

I feel she should have spoken to my DH rather than me. I was annoyed she put me in that position. Did feel like she was trying to stir up trouble. Telling me she felt attacked and that it wasn't fair how she was treated by him.
Yes if she felt she got nowhere with your husband of course she should speak to you about it, she was doing you both a favour by looking after your (allegedly) rude children, wasn't she?
Derbee · 28/03/2022 14:33

I think it’s ridiculous to look after someone’s child, and then complain about their behaviour when their parents come to pick them up. No child is perfect, and it’s unnecessary.

Bitching about your husband to you is also completely ridiculous. I wouldn’t like a friend to complain about my DP to me. It’s inappropriate.

As for her saying the trust is gone etc etc she sounds like she’s overreacting, and you’re best keeping your distance

Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 28/03/2022 14:33

I meant if she had an issue with what he said, she should have addressed that with him. Complaining to me smacks of stirring up trouble between me and DH

OP posts:
Africa2go · 28/03/2022 14:34

@PinkAndViolet

I feel she should have spoken to my DH rather than me. I was annoyed she put me in that position. Did feel like she was trying to stir up trouble. Telling me she felt attacked and that it wasn't fair how she was treated by him.
Why would she bring it up with your H when she's already tried to bring up an issue with him (your chldren's behaviour) and he dismissed it?

Is she your friend or your husband's?

Chilledchablis1 · 28/03/2022 14:34

Maybe she felt intimidated?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 28/03/2022 14:35

@PinkAndViolet

I meant if she had an issue with what he said, she should have addressed that with him. Complaining to me smacks of stirring up trouble between me and DH
Why? Is she not your friend? If he didn't take it seriously the first time, why would she go to him again ?
Justmuddlingalong · 28/03/2022 14:35

Is it stirring up trouble between you and DH?

girlmom21 · 28/03/2022 14:35

@PinkAndViolet

I meant if she had an issue with what he said, she should have addressed that with him. Complaining to me smacks of stirring up trouble between me and DH
Her saying to you she didn't feel comfortable with the way he spoke to her or the way your children behaved isn't stirring up trouble.

She's letting you know she's done your family a favour and they've treated her like rubbish. But judging by yours and your husbands responses I strongly believe what she said about the childrens behaviours...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2022 14:36

Sounds like you've both overreacted.

From what you've said... Your children were badly behaved and your husband was rude.

Perhaps you just don't like this being pointed out to you.

But too late now by the sounds. Your free babysitter is no more. Perhaps you should have said thank you instead.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 28/03/2022 14:37

@PinkAndViolet

I feel she should have spoken to my DH rather than me. I was annoyed she put me in that position. Did feel like she was trying to stir up trouble. Telling me she felt attacked and that it wasn't fair how she was treated by him.
I agree, she's being a drama llama. First, a problem with the children and then the husband.Grin
IncompleteSenten · 28/03/2022 14:38

"I think it’s ridiculous to look after someone’s child, and then complain about their behaviour when their parents come to pick them up. No child is perfect, and it’s unnecessary"

Really?

Kid drew on the walls? Kicked the dog?
Hit the baby?
Told you to fuck off?
No matter what they did it's always ridiculous to inform the parents?
Got to disagree there. If a child behaves badly, the parents need to know. If you don't know how your child is behaving when you aren't there, how can you know there's an issue you need to work on?

AryaStarkWolf · 28/03/2022 14:38

@Derbee

I think it’s ridiculous to look after someone’s child, and then complain about their behaviour when their parents come to pick them up. No child is perfect, and it’s unnecessary.

Bitching about your husband to you is also completely ridiculous. I wouldn’t like a friend to complain about my DP to me. It’s inappropriate.

As for her saying the trust is gone etc etc she sounds like she’s overreacting, and you’re best keeping your distance

What the fuck? If someone was looking after my children I would expect them to behave and not be rude a d would absolutely want to know about it if they weren't. What a weird attitude
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 28/03/2022 14:40

@Derbee

I think it’s ridiculous to look after someone’s child, and then complain about their behaviour when their parents come to pick them up. No child is perfect, and it’s unnecessary.

Bitching about your husband to you is also completely ridiculous. I wouldn’t like a friend to complain about my DP to me. It’s inappropriate.

As for her saying the trust is gone etc etc she sounds like she’s overreacting, and you’re best keeping your distance

So you can never tell a parent their child was badly behaved? That's a ridiculous attitude to have. Of course parents should be made aware.
Turningpurple · 28/03/2022 14:41

Wow, you really don't like her do you?

Or do you really think your husband is perfect?

gospelsinger · 28/03/2022 14:41

Have you actually spoken to her or has this all happened over text between you and her?

Cornettoninja · 28/03/2022 14:41

@PinkAndViolet

I meant if she had an issue with what he said, she should have addressed that with him. Complaining to me smacks of stirring up trouble between me and DH
Tbh I agree with you here. What do you think her expectations of involving you in their row is? Are you meant to act as a go-between? Chastise him and force an apology to her? Leave him because she feels he was rude to her?

I could understand her taking the issue of your dc’s rudeness to you and saying she’d prefer to deals with you in the future if she didn’t feel your dh’s reaction was appropriate but I don’t see the point of telling on your DH like he’s one of your children. What on earth are you meant to actually do about it?

babywalker56 · 28/03/2022 14:43

To say if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me?

You sound like you’re 16. ‘If you have a problem with my boyfriend then you have a problem with me’ as if this is some Bonnie & Clyde ride or die shit😂

Unless I’m misunderstanding then I don’t see what your friend did wrong. If you’re willing to end the friendship over what seems to be nothing then that’s your decision. You and your husband are separate people though

sillysmiles · 28/03/2022 14:43

@PinkAndViolet

What he said. He believed it sounded out of character for the kids to behave in that way and wanted to find out more. The end result was she felt accused of making it all up and this has now ruined the friendship especially as she said she felt there was no way back from this now.
You're husband needs to apologise and explain he didn't mean to sounds like he didn't believe her, just he was surprised at the kids behaviour.
DenholmElliot · 28/03/2022 14:43

OP, I agree with you completely. If she had an issue with your DH then she should have addressed it with him. BUT, you should have said this the minute she sent you the text over, criticising him.

I'd be marching the kids round to her house to apologise for their behaviour too.

MzHz · 28/03/2022 14:44

What’s MOST likely?

That’s she’s making it up?

Or your kids WERE rude. Rude enough for her to actually comment to h in the first place tells me that they were rude.

You need to talk to her about what actually happened and deal with it yourself by talking to the kids and asking them if what she said has any truth.

Underfrighter · 28/03/2022 14:48

So she did you a favour
Your kids played up
Your husband basically (maybe unintentionally and it depends how he said it) called her a liar
She is upset
She told you she was upset about what happened and why

I think that's all fairly reasonable to be honest. I don't see how she is trying to get between you, it's not like she is asking you to choose. She thought your husband called her a liar and she wanted you to know what happened from her point of view.

I would think it would be really weird if one of my friends had a falling out with my husband and literally never mentioned it to me, especially when the falling out was about a favour the friend was doing me (presumably you asked her to do this favour not him). If someone was doing me a favour personally, and it went wrong, yes I would expect some kind of debrief as to what actually happened, not expect my friend to ignore it and think 'I'm sure dickhead of a husband that called me a liar will give a fair and accurate account of he situation to my friend even if it paints him in a bad light'.

I mean yesterday she was trusted enough to look after your kids, today she was upset and wanted to talk about what happened, like reasonable adults do, and you're talking about taking sides and never speaking to her again...I find your viewpoint and actions really harsh here

Booklover3 · 28/03/2022 14:48

I find your stance on this bizarre.

If she said that your children were rude then in her opinion they were. My husband would have apologised if she felt that way and then quizzed them about it later.

She came to you because she felt your children behaved poorly, and then your husband also did. He didn’t have to agree that they were naughty, just apologise that she felt that way and then ask them.

This just isn’t how you treat someone that’s done you a favour in my opinion.

purpleboy · 28/03/2022 14:49

What did she say the kids did?
And what was your husbands exact response?

I would generally have my DHs back over a friend, but if he had been a dick to them then probably not, it would depend on the exact nature of the behaviour.

BoredZelda · 28/03/2022 14:51

He believed it sounded out of character for the kids to behave in that way and wanted to find out more.

Shitty response which sounds like he didn’t believe her.

Have you put any effort into finding out from your kids, what happened? Or have you just focussed on her (quite rightly) being annoyed at your husband?

Sounds like she’ll be better off if you step back from the friendship.

Cherry35 · 28/03/2022 14:51

You are clearly unreasonable.

Are you afraid of your DH? Why wouldn't you try to work it out and keep a friend. There is a very high probability that your husband is on the wrong and didn't reply appropriately. This can be fixed but you will have to be the mediator.

Since your DH didn't believe her as the responsible adult (and it looks like neither you nor DH have made the slight attempt to really figure out what your DC did), she's reaching out to you, if you were a bit thankful you would try to fix it.