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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me?

218 replies

PinkAndViolet · 28/03/2022 13:23

Mutual friend felt my husband was rude to her. She had looked after the kids for us and when reporting back bad behaviour, he said it didn't seem right what she was saying and she then said she felt attacked.
Anyway, she told me how bad she felt in a text and how upset she was with my husband. It's clear she now has a problem with him and I did think it wrong that she told me in detail about how she feels as felt like she is pitting us off against each other. Aibu to be annoyed and stick by my husband?

OP posts:
ddl1 · 28/03/2022 18:04

@worriedatthistime

So your dh accused her if lying after she had your kids as a favour and then you are also making excuses for his behaviour Why would she lir
She might not have lied, but have misinterpreted the situation. It is her ranting to the OP about her husband's supposed rudeness that makes me suspect this. If it was just complaining about the children, I would think she was probably right; but the combination makes me wonder if she rather enjoys an opportunity to be self-righteous. My mum had a friend rather like that; she didn't moan about me or my dad, but every now and then she would send a letter to my mum to express her offence at some real or imagined grievance. She also took it upon herself to write to my mum's neighbour (whom she didn't even know personally) to criticize her for actions concerning her garden, which were supposedly inconsiderate to my mum, without informing my mum in advance. The neighbour naturally thought my mum had put her up to it (she hadn't) and neighbourly relations never really recovered.

Some people rather enjoy a reason to moan at someone.

I do think that the OP shouldn't have used her for free childcare if she either knew her to be like that, or didn't know her well enough to know. Or perhaps at all. But that doesn't automatically mean that the friend must be right.

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 18:10

@ddl1 then you wouldn't ask them to look after your kids on the first place
But if i picked up my kids or my dh and the person said they had misbehaved i would say oh ok sorry I will speak them etc and then speak to my kids to find out what had gone on before jumping on the person who had said they had misbehaved

PeachesToday · 28/03/2022 18:11

What’s her home situation like? Sounds like a fuss about a simple interaction and you’ve been forced into the middle.

She reported your kids to you DH and now she’s reporting DH’s behaviour to you. Strange.

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 18:12

@PeachesToday why is it strange she told the DH that his kids had misbehaved ?

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 18:16

@PeachesToday its also not totally strange that she messaged. Op saying she found her dh rude etc as OP is her friend
I would say to my friend if her dh was rude to me so at least they would know why I maybe wouldn't want them coming to my house etc
Seems OP trusted them to look after the kids but not to tell the truth about behaviour
We don't know if the friend os over dramatic or if the OP DH was rude and intimidating
Either way guess it doesn't matter as the friend has cut all ties anyway

WimpoleHat · 28/03/2022 18:18

In my experience, unless someone is known for being picky/troublemaking/whiny, then the natural reaction is to suck up behaviour from visiting kids that you wouldn’t put up with from your own. My DD had a friend round a few weeks ago who was a shocking little madam, but when her mum asked, I said “oh fine, fine”. Wouldn’t ask her back, though. To get someone to the point of actually saying something would mean to me that the kids had been very badly behaved indeed. So a reaction of “they wouldn’t do that” really wouldn’t go down very well, I think. Sounds like friend reached the end of her tether.

Original poster
PinkAndViolet · 28/03/2022 18:31

All I'm saying is that complaining about my DH after ending the friendship just felt in poor taste to me. I wished her well, I said both me and DH did so I wish she had followed suit instead of souring things.
There have been a few other incidents leading up to this where she has fallen out with one of us but not going into that here as too outing. The right thing to do was end the friendship between us all but I do think it was wrong of her to pit me against my own husband. Like others have said on here, how was I meant to respond? I was hardly going to say 'I agree with you, he is awful isn't he and so are the kids.' I just don't know what she was thinking when she did that and what she wanted the end result to be.
DH is not perfect and is not always clear when he communicates but he is definitely not unkind or ungrateful.

OP posts:
MuggleMadness · 28/03/2022 18:31

@MurderAtTheBeautyPageant

okay tammy wynette
🤣🤣🤣
DarkDarkNight · 28/03/2022 18:32

YABU. She was doing you a favour and it sounds like your husband handled what she was saying in a very defensive manner.

The ‘if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me’ attitude is not good. Is she supposed to put up with crappy behaviour because you don’t like your husband being criticised? Hopefully she has told you to find a new babysitter.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/03/2022 18:36

I was hardly going to say 'I agree with you, he is awful isn't he and so are the kids.'
Would you back your DH and DC up in all circumstances? You've never moaned to family or friends about his or your DC's behaviour? Wow.

juicejuicesteak · 28/03/2022 18:36

Your kids were little horrors, you are minimising that and then her complaints about your husbands behaviour. You would rather imagine your friend, who did you a favour, has some wicked scheme planned to "stir up trouble".

I believe your pal.

juicejuicesteak · 28/03/2022 18:40

No wonder she's cut you off and won't help again! I'd do exactly the same.

Euridicefortuna · 28/03/2022 19:03

She "soured things" but what about your poorly behaved children that neither parent will punish?Please don't inflict your naughty children on anyone else:if you aren't willing to correct them or listen to the babysitters complaints!

PeachesToday · 28/03/2022 19:10

[quote worriedatthistime]@PeachesToday why is it strange she told the DH that his kids had misbehaved ? [/quote]
That bit isn’t but contacting her later to complain about DH is weird. What does she expect the OP to do? Ground him?

esloquehay · 28/03/2022 19:30

Jada, that you?!

Butchyrestingface · 28/03/2022 19:35

@PinkAndViolet

What he said. He believed it sounded out of character for the kids to behave in that way and wanted to find out more. The end result was she felt accused of making it all up and this has now ruined the friendship especially as she said she felt there was no way back from this now.
Your poor (ex) mate. Still, better she found out what the pair of you were like before she did you any more favours. Sad
cansu · 28/03/2022 19:37

Your husband treated your friend like an employee or like some parents treat teachers when they tell them their child has misbehaved. They say there must be more to it ie it is someone else's fault. Your friend is right to be pissed off. The correct response is 'thank you for having them. I am sorry they have been difficult. I will speak to them about this at home.' You and your husband sound like CF.

MidnightMeltdown · 28/03/2022 19:51

Are you serious?

If I were you I would be having words with my husband and letting him know that his behaviour upset my friend who had been doing us a favour. Nobody wants a rude, offensive partner.

If you are friends with someone, it is not a requirement to like their partner, you a two separate people! Your response to this is very childish.

MidnightMeltdown · 28/03/2022 19:54

@PinkAndViolet

I feel she should have spoken to my DH rather than me. I was annoyed she put me in that position. Did feel like she was trying to stir up trouble. Telling me she felt attacked and that it wasn't fair how she was treated by him.

It is YOUR responsibility to talk to your DH - he upset your friend!
If I were you I would be letting him know that his behaviour was unacceptable.

MidnightMeltdown · 28/03/2022 19:57

@PinkAndViolet

I meant if she had an issue with what he said, she should have addressed that with him. Complaining to me smacks of stirring up trouble between me and DH

Unless your partner is aggressive / violent, it shouldn't 'stir trouble' to let him know that he offended your friend.

Something doesn't sound right here. If you can't talk to your partner about things like this then there is a problem with your relationship.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2022 20:00

'DH is not perfect and is not always clear when he communicates'

But it's all her fault. Right.

nitsandwormsdodger · 28/03/2022 20:02

It would take truly shocking behaviour from both kids and husband for me to bring it up with someone
I have had some outrageous things said and done in my home by little buggers who I have refused to have back but I still smiled and said. “ ah no bother all good “

Ragwort · 28/03/2022 20:11

Agree with nits the DC must have behaved really badly and it sounds as though your DH was dismissive of their behaviour. What are you so uptight about what your friend said rather than the fact that your DC have clearly been more than just a 'handful''. I would have been mortified to get that sort of feedback after a friend did me a favour.

Lollypop701 · 28/03/2022 20:19

From your posts, Tbh I’d be happy that you saw it as if I have an issue with dh then I have an issue with you… I wouldn’t have to have your kids and be minimised when I told you/dh their behaviour wasn’t great. I’ve had friends kids for weekends, mostly ok occasionally iffy. Parents always knew I’d tell them, because they trusted me enough to have their children they absolutely trusted me.

Mamas123 · 28/03/2022 20:24

@PinkAndViolet I've had a friendship like this in the past. Always trying to stir up trouble and then when I finally wouldn't be on her side anymore, she ended our friendship. Some people just want the drama and attention. Dw about her. Leave her to her boring life so she can find her next victim to cause dramas in