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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move DD to another school?

180 replies

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 01:30

DD is 9 years old and in Year 4. We are not in the U.K. In her class are 17 boys and 5 girls. DD was good friends with 2 of the other girls for years. They were a happy group of 3 and had many play dates, etc. We never expected this to change. The other 2 girls in the class don’t really mix, one plays solely with the boys, the other likes to stay on her own. The boys have their own groups and don’t really mix with the girls.

A few months ago, DD’s 2 friends turned on her. They pushed her out of the group of 3 and now DD is alone. They are ignoring her on their shared online game, they rub DD’s face in it every time they have a sleepover without her, etc.

School are powerless to do anything but have arranged counselling for her. The counsellor said she has “come to terms with the new friendship situation” but I can see it is breaking her heart.

She saw them both out at the weekend and when they saw her, they just started whispering to each other. These two girls used to be her best friends.

DD is a lovely, kind, beautiful child. She doesn’t deserve this.

There is another school locally that we could potentially move her to. However, it is highly selective and DD is an average child. She would need so much tutoring to even stand a chance of being offered a place. However, if she did get in, there would be many other girls who she could be friends with.

I just don’t know what to do. Help me Mumsnet. My heart is breaking for her.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 28/03/2022 01:37

Omg this is so normal between girls. Don't sweat it OP just make sure DD isn't being bullied in any way in school and lots of friends and activities outside school.
Have a word with the teachers as well.
I think my DDs ratio was 9 girls and 20 boys in class so there was a lot of that stuff going on. DD thankfully had friends outside school and eventually the other girls in class befriended her. It'll be ok 💐

ClaryFairchild · 28/03/2022 01:59

Way too few girls for your DD not to have problems. I would pull her out and send somewhere else. Is there not another option schooling wise apart from the more selective school? That would also be a difficult school if she never feels up to standard.

Original poster

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 02:08

Thanks for your replies. There is one other school, but it is heavily oversubscribed. They “might” have a place for Year 7, but I can’t leave DD in this Hell for potentially another 3 years.

OP posts:

sweepeep · 28/03/2022 02:13

Your first mistake was never expecting it to change as with girls you should now it is a fickle business when it comes to friendships at that age.

However, as they were friends for so long as parents I would be wanting to get to the bottom of the issue. I would be talking to the other parents, surely you have built a relationship of sorts with them?

sweepeep · 28/03/2022 02:14

Know not now...

Original poster

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 02:15

@sweepeep we did have an excellent relationship with the other parents. We used to socialise with one set but since the 2 girls have dumped DD, we no longer see them. It’s all very awkward.

OP posts:

sweepeep · 28/03/2022 02:16

How long ago did this start?

Original poster

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 02:18

It started in the first week of the Xmas holidays. Out of the blue, the 2 other girls started going into DD’s Roblox games them completely ignoring her. They then set up a new group for just the two of them, whereas previously it has been three. That’s how it started.

OP posts:

sweepeep · 28/03/2022 02:21

I would have said it then but I would
Call the other parents and ask them if they are aware of what is going on and if you can all get to the bottom of it. Although you should have done it at xmas when it happened as they will have foggy memories about their reasonings by now.

raspberryjamchicken · 28/03/2022 02:33

I would move her if you could but I think it is wrong to suggest the school cannot do anything. The other girls are bing unkind to her and there is a lot they could put in place to rectify that.

Are there options for her to play with children from other classes?

Doona · 28/03/2022 02:48

The other girl likes to stay on her own? So there's this girl wandering around on her own every lunchtime? Why? That's really concerning!

needingpeace · 28/03/2022 02:55

I’d move her

Monty27 · 28/03/2022 03:07

Talk to the school about it and take it from there.

Original poster

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 07:16

The school have tried. They got the girls together and gave them a job to do together, to try and mend relations. And the headteacher gave them a talk about being kind to each other.

I just told DH to ring the registrar at the over-subscribed school, I said “... I don’t care what you do, beg, flirt, or offer to buy her a Mercedes... just get her in.”

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 28/03/2022 07:21

I'm assuming you're talking about international/private schools?Can't she go to the local school? Surely there's be a better mix of boys and girls then?

Knittingchamp · 28/03/2022 07:22

Can you speak to the other parents directly? I'd be mortified if my kid was treating someone elses like this. Actually it happened once when one of my boys was young, with my youngest and his friend being like this for a short time to another kid they'd been great friends with. They didn't understand how much their actions affected him, and when school spoke to them my boy burst out crying and was very remorseful and apologized. We had tears at home too and for some bizarre reason it then happened again a short time after (peer pressure?), we had the same response and they've been strong friends ever since. My son learned a lot about his own behaviour. He's kind and thoughtful and never acted like that again. I think the difference might be the school were very swift to act both times.

Beees · 28/03/2022 07:23

The sensible suggestion here is for her to become friends with the girl who spends every day on her own. I'm sceptical that this child really does prefer to be alone.

If she is unlikely to get into the selective school then this seems the most logical idea unless you're willing to live somewhere with different schools.

Hiddenvoice · 28/03/2022 07:28

When I was younger I went to a primary school that only had 4 other girls. This happened all the time. Each year the friendship group swapped around. Sadly it is very common amongst young girls.
I’m sorry your dd is going through this. I know you’ve spoken to the school but if it continues I’d phone the parents and explain what’s happening too.
Entirely up to you if you want to move your daughter, definitely not unreasonable but I’d ask what she wants to do first. I had to move schools due to moving house. There were friendship problems so my parents thought it was best to start completely new.
I hated the new school, I found it harder to fit in because it was so big and busy. It honestly took up to a year to feel comfortable in the school and even then I felt the teachers partnered other children with me so j wasn’t alone.
As a teacher now, I’ve seen some children settle really easily and others need time to adjust so I’d speak to your daughter and see what she would like to do.

Original poster

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 07:30

@Hiddenvoice she doesn’t actually want to move. She said she just wants her friends back .

OP posts:

Swayingpalmtrees · 28/03/2022 07:32

This situation is not sustainable, far too few girls and too much pressure on them to be 'friends' due to the lack of choice.
Move her in a heartbeat to a school with plenty of other girls, you will not regret it. It is cruel to keep her there, she can't magic new girls to hang out with and this will get worse not better as they get older. Your dd does not need counselling. She needs someone to play with.

Swayingpalmtrees · 28/03/2022 07:32

Groups of three never work, one will always be left out.

Swayingpalmtrees · 28/03/2022 07:33

Your dd may not want to move, and be afraid of change, but you can't change this dynamic or improve it. I would move her, explain the benefits and the new opportunities.

Original poster

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 07:35

Your dd does not need counselling. She needs someone to play with.

@Swayingpalmtrees this is so true . But the only other school we could feasibly get her in for Year 5 is the selective one. The entrance test is at the end of May. I have 2 months to take her from mediocre to exceptional. I don’t even know if that’s possible.

OP posts:

Hiddenvoice · 28/03/2022 07:38

That’s a shame she’s feeling like that.
Why not go and spend a day just you two. Have a special girls day and do something fun to try and relax her. Later in the day talk to her about friendships and softly tell her that it’s not nice to see her so upset with these girls. Say you’d like to move her schools so she has more choice in friends but if she really doesn’t want to go ask her what else she would like to do because being friends with these girls will always lead to fall outs and someone being left out.
Let her think about it for a little while, let her feel like she’s in control about it all because right now she feels powerless.
Offer to invite the other girls in the class over for an afternoon to see how that goes.
For me, in the smaller primary I eventually became friends with a group of boys and it was just the best friendship. It was so much more relaxed and I had more in common with them than I could have imagined.

Original poster

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 07:51

@Hiddenvoice the boys in her class are real alphas and not really her as she is quiet and placid. She has a loud, obnoxious older brother at home, so school was a nice, safe place for her. Not any more, sadly.

OP posts:

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