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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move DD to another school?

180 replies

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 01:30

DD is 9 years old and in Year 4. We are not in the U.K. In her class are 17 boys and 5 girls. DD was good friends with 2 of the other girls for years. They were a happy group of 3 and had many play dates, etc. We never expected this to change. The other 2 girls in the class don’t really mix, one plays solely with the boys, the other likes to stay on her own. The boys have their own groups and don’t really mix with the girls.

A few months ago, DD’s 2 friends turned on her. They pushed her out of the group of 3 and now DD is alone. They are ignoring her on their shared online game, they rub DD’s face in it every time they have a sleepover without her, etc.

School are powerless to do anything but have arranged counselling for her. The counsellor said she has “come to terms with the new friendship situation” but I can see it is breaking her heart.

She saw them both out at the weekend and when they saw her, they just started whispering to each other. These two girls used to be her best friends.

DD is a lovely, kind, beautiful child. She doesn’t deserve this.

There is another school locally that we could potentially move her to. However, it is highly selective and DD is an average child. She would need so much tutoring to even stand a chance of being offered a place. However, if she did get in, there would be many other girls who she could be friends with.

I just don’t know what to do. Help me Mumsnet. My heart is breaking for her.

OP posts:
Peanutgurgle · 28/03/2022 16:55

I personally wouldn’t sit tight hoping it was going change and thinking you could manipulate it. Our daughter tolerated being excluded for years. Everyone told us that it was just girls being girls and honestly we started believing this was just how it had to be. DD moved school last September due to change of circumstance and I braced myself for more of the same. She is like a changed child. A lovely bunch of girls immediately accepted her. There is almost always an alternative even if in other ways it isn’t ideal. Good luck xx

Original poster
AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 20:39

@LaLentil of course it was a joke Hmm. I said it, but clearly I wasn’t being serious.

OP posts:
Betty91 · 28/03/2022 20:47

This happened to my DD and after two & half years of nothing changing and school being unhelpful / powerless we moved her. She was back to her usual self in about one day at her new school. I just wish we'd done it sooner. She was totally left out, not invited to birthday parties, playdates etc. She deliberately didn't do class work so she'd have to miss playtime.

When she went to new school it was like the lights had gone back on for her.

LaLentil · 28/03/2022 20:58

[quote AlJalilia]@LaLentil of course it was a joke Hmm. I said it, but clearly I wasn’t being serious.[/quote]
Sorry I was being unnecessarily unkind and judgmental showcasing my own inner grumpy 9 year old Thanks Blush

I hope you will get the best possible school place for your dd.

Original poster
AlJalilia · 30/03/2022 01:09

@Betty91 so glad everything worked out for your DD. I am considering our options but I think we will move her.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlJalilia · 05/04/2022 02:37

OK ladies, I'm back because I need to know if I am overreacting. Just to recap, DD had two best friends at school. There are only a handful of girls in the class and the other girls are not interested in being friends.

A few months ago, DD's two best friends decided to push her out of the friendship group and have being bullying her (in and out of school) ever since. The school made a gesture towards sorting it out but nothing has changed.

Now I need to know if IABU about this... the children were put into groups to work on a project. This project has taken a couple of weeks. It has caused DD a huge amount of anxiety as she is in a group with a very rowdy bunch of boys and they have been larking about and the project was ultimately not very good.

I found out this morning that her two ex-friends got to work on the project together, whilst DD was put in a group with these boys. Am I wrong in thinking that this could have been a good opportunity to help to sort out the problems with the girls? They could all have worked together or one of them could have worked with DD and one in another group.

I would love to know what you all think.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 05/04/2022 02:54

Yeah that's not good from the school.

They should have paired her up better than that.

Were the other four girls in two groups or were the two solo playing girls also alone in groups?

Original poster
AlJalilia · 05/04/2022 03:03

@JustLyra thank you for confirming what I was thinking. No, the other girls were alone in groups of boys. Only the two ex-friends got to be in a group together.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 05/04/2022 03:22

So your dd was not the only girl who was with a group of boys? If so, then yeah, you are overreacting. I have to wonder how much YOUR own reaction and input are fuelling this OP.

You claim bullying but it didn't come across as bullying. It comes across and 2 girls who do not wish to be friends with your dd anymore. You can't force it. Why would you want to?

The more you carry on, the more your dd will be affected. 🤷‍♀️

Fairisleflora · 05/04/2022 03:27

Exclusion like this is treated as bullying in our school. Move her.

HoppingPavlova · 05/04/2022 03:57

I’d move her asap. If no other options locally could you stretch to private?

Original poster
AlJalilia · 05/04/2022 04:02

@CJsGoldfish there have been lots of incidences of bullying.
@HoppingPavlova this is a private school.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 05/04/2022 05:00

@AlJalilia

OK ladies, I'm back because I need to know if I am overreacting. Just to recap, DD had two best friends at school. There are only a handful of girls in the class and the other girls are not interested in being friends.

A few months ago, DD's two best friends decided to push her out of the friendship group and have being bullying her (in and out of school) ever since. The school made a gesture towards sorting it out but nothing has changed.

Now I need to know if IABU about this... the children were put into groups to work on a project. This project has taken a couple of weeks. It has caused DD a huge amount of anxiety as she is in a group with a very rowdy bunch of boys and they have been larking about and the project was ultimately not very good.

I found out this morning that her two ex-friends got to work on the project together, whilst DD was put in a group with these boys. Am I wrong in thinking that this could have been a good opportunity to help to sort out the problems with the girls? They could all have worked together or one of them could have worked with DD and one in another group.

I would love to know what you all think.

I don't think either you , your dd or the school can make the girls accept d's back into the friendship group right now. It's not necessarily bullying ( ever heard of 3s a crowd?) but if this is upsetting your d's you have no choice but to look for a new school with more girls in.
Sweepingeyelashes · 05/04/2022 05:00

My son went to a very traditional private school for a bit. Some of the girls were horribly vicious and it was really quite toxic. (One girl accused another of trying to strangle her in the girls' lavatory and it was lucky that the alleged strangler could prove she was on a cross country run at the time.) Some of the teaching was quite poor - my son fell behind in maths and needed tutoring. My child went off to a very liberal state high school and intermediate with better teaching - the sort of place you could rock a purple mohawk or come out to the drama class or even grow a beard. He made friends there and is off at university doing a very challenging degree. My younger son followed him there and had an equally positive experience. Neither grew beards or mohawks but one got a piercing which they plan to remove when they qualify and start work.

tkwal · 05/04/2022 05:04

Your DD is already worried because her former friends have fallen out with her and you're suggesting she takes on a whole lot of additional work to magically become exceptional ?If you want her to really need counselling keep going the way you are !. It's a sad truth that friends will come and go like this but there's no guarantee that moving her to another school will change anything except the amount of pressure on her

NumberTheory · 05/04/2022 05:07

I think your expectation that the school force the two girls who are still friends to include your DD rather than encouraging other friendships is unreasonable.

The school in general don't sound like they're particularly (any?) good at the social/emotional aspect of child development. Given the make up of the class and the issues with integration they should have been doing a lot more, long before your DD and these two girls fell out, to improve relationships in the whole class. They aren't suddenly going to get good at it.

RedWingBoots · 05/04/2022 05:11

Just move her to the sporty school.

There are loads of sports she can try that I bet you and her never thought of she could be reasonably good at. Some things depend on her build and that will change as she hits puberty.

Also if she hits puberty in a school with too many boys it isn't going be fun for her if she stays in this school.

carefullycourageous · 05/04/2022 05:29

@AlJalilia

The thing about the sporty school is it’s also very liberal. I have clients with DC there and there is a lot of drug taking and teenage pregnancy, in spite of it being a world-renowned school. Honestly, my DS would fit in well there, but DD not so much.
Drug taking and pregnancy? In year 5? Hmm

Are you in the UK? Your local schools sound very unusual.

SavBbunny · 05/04/2022 05:50

My daughter (now 18) had four schools.
Very expensive private boarding school and an outstanding state school. The latter allowed her to be bullied and attacked at 12. I wish I had moved her earlier.
She has never got over the behaviour of others. I would caution against a academic school if your child is average. My daughter has a massive IQ but could not deal with the pressure put on her to keep her place. She was happiest in a mixed comp in special measures. They helped her enormously.

Sweepingeyelashes · 05/04/2022 05:57

I went to a sporty school. It was a living nightmare. The head PE teacher was ex-army. It was like years of bootcamp. Sort of a just slightly warmer downmarket version of Gordonstoun - with kilts of course. I got a D for effort in PE. Those road runs were brutal. I recall a very unfortunate incident where the PE teacher was almost responsible for the drowning of the very small number of academic pupils. At least I got myself out of the water unaided while some of my classmates had to be rescued. I suppose if I had any ambition to join the armed forces I was somewhat equipped.

Therealdealio · 05/04/2022 06:12

Can she just move classes rather than schools?

Sushi7 · 05/04/2022 06:16

I read your updates @AlJalilia and I think you need to stop hoping the girls will be friends again. Don’t move her to the academic selective school. You say she’s average. That might cause all sorts of MH issues if she doesn’t feel confident with herself. Go for the sporty school. You said that your clients said students are involved with drugs and teen sex. That happens at every secondary school, private or state!

CJsGoldfish · 05/04/2022 06:20

@CJsGoldfish there have been lots of incidences of bullying
Then you should have included them in your post/s. 🤷‍♀️

What happens if you change schools and you still can't make other girls be friends with your dd? Do you keep changing schools until you find someone?

Zonder · 05/04/2022 06:24

Are we talking about international schools here? Or is she in a local school?

I think the teacher really missed a chance here and that doesn't inspire confidence in the school.

I would contact the other schools and ask to meet with the head. Explain your situation and see if they have pity on DD and make space for her anyway.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/04/2022 06:29

Am I wrong in thinking that this could have been a good opportunity to help to sort out the problems with the girls? They could all have worked together or one of them could have worked with DD and one in another group.

It's not the schools place to force friendships - if they know your DD and these girls aren't getting along, they've been very sensible not to force the issue.

Would your DD really want to sit and work with people who have been whispering being her back anyway? Or is that all coming from you?

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