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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move DD to another school?

180 replies

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 01:30

DD is 9 years old and in Year 4. We are not in the U.K. In her class are 17 boys and 5 girls. DD was good friends with 2 of the other girls for years. They were a happy group of 3 and had many play dates, etc. We never expected this to change. The other 2 girls in the class don’t really mix, one plays solely with the boys, the other likes to stay on her own. The boys have their own groups and don’t really mix with the girls.

A few months ago, DD’s 2 friends turned on her. They pushed her out of the group of 3 and now DD is alone. They are ignoring her on their shared online game, they rub DD’s face in it every time they have a sleepover without her, etc.

School are powerless to do anything but have arranged counselling for her. The counsellor said she has “come to terms with the new friendship situation” but I can see it is breaking her heart.

She saw them both out at the weekend and when they saw her, they just started whispering to each other. These two girls used to be her best friends.

DD is a lovely, kind, beautiful child. She doesn’t deserve this.

There is another school locally that we could potentially move her to. However, it is highly selective and DD is an average child. She would need so much tutoring to even stand a chance of being offered a place. However, if she did get in, there would be many other girls who she could be friends with.

I just don’t know what to do. Help me Mumsnet. My heart is breaking for her.

OP posts:
brainhurts · 05/04/2022 09:58

@Benjispruce4
When girls fall out it horrendous.
I even had a dad knock my door , He showed me messages sent between our DDs . Fortunately my DD had Screen shot the whole dialogue, not the edited version he had . Needs less to say he never knocked my door again 🤣

MsTSwift · 05/04/2022 10:52

Well I went to a mixed school and had grim sexual harassment from some boys and was never really friends with any of them and they made me self conscious in lessons so fail to see the benefit to me of having them there really.

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 11:05

Interesting. I loved my mixed school. Was friends with boys and girls. Boys are less complex in my experience and tend to call out bitchy behaviour.

Comedycook · 05/04/2022 11:13

Boys are less complex in my experience and tend to call out bitchy behaviour

Such a boring stereotype...girls are bitchy, boys are straightforward.
Yawn

Chonfox · 05/04/2022 11:14

Boys are less complex in my experience and tend to call out bitchy behaviour.

Lots of internalised misogyny here...

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 11:21

Oh fgs in my experience which is all anyone can draw on.

MsTSwift · 05/04/2022 11:34

Boys can be brutal too it’s not sex specific the point is if your child tends to be friends with their own sex having lots of them to choose from is an advantage.

lanthanum · 05/04/2022 11:49

@Swayingpalmtrees

Groups of three never work, one will always be left out.
DD went to secondary as part of a threesome, and it has worked remarkably well. They do now have other friends as well (mostly from other villages), but they still walk to school together as a threesome. Probably the biggest test was during the first lockdown when you could only go for a walk with one friend (and that was usually their "PE"). However they took turns very amicably.
brainhurts · 05/04/2022 11:50

From my own personal experience, can't speak for others, boys are less complicated

Chonfox · 05/04/2022 12:40

Yes boys... so uncomplicated with their violence, sexual assaults, domineering and disrespect for girls. Sooooo much better than those bitchy horrible little cows. Christ above...

Sushi7 · 05/04/2022 14:31

@Chonfox

Yes boys... so uncomplicated with their violence, sexual assaults, domineering and disrespect for girls. Sooooo much better than those bitchy horrible little cows. Christ above...
That’s really sexist. Boys are not innately sexual predators. Boys tend to fight it out and then become friends again. Girls hold grudges and are catty towards one another. Girls are a lot more complicated than boys. That isn’t a sexist thing to say - you just need to read through a couple of MN threads to see that many many women stay like this!
Sushi7 · 05/04/2022 14:34

@Chonfox I’ve noticed that many of your replies are about “protecting” girls from “nasty” boys by putting them in all girl schools. We’ve all been pre-teen and teen girls. We all know how cruel girls can be and that words and actions hurt. I know a few women who went to all girls schools (secondary) and they hated every second of it. Too much competition. Too much cattiness. It might be the same for all boys schools (ie the competitiveness).

brainhurts · 05/04/2022 16:58

@Chonfox
What a horrible remark about boys , not all males are some kind of sexual predator. My son and all of his friends all kind considerate young men .
Not all girls are horrible and not all boys are dominant monsters.
In my experience girls are more complex in their friendship groups

Whitecushion · 05/04/2022 18:26

Are these all private schools?
Why are you not looking at state schools?
Your selection of private schools all sound truly awful!

Original poster
AlJalilia · 05/04/2022 21:59

Thanks everyone for your excellent advice. I really appreciate posters sharing their own experience and insights. I do need to move her. The victim-focused approach to dealing with bullying is wrong, IMO. And it means things will not change. I don’t feel that they value my DD as much as the other girls. And that breaks my heart. So this is what I have done:

  • Applied for the Nice School for Year 7
  • Applied for the Selective School for Year 5
  • I decided not to apply for the Sporty School.

The entrance test for the Selective School is next month. I want to give her the best possible chance of getting in. The school don’t tell you, but from what I can gather the test will be on Maths, Comprehension and Reasoning. Can anybody recommend some resources that we can use to prepare her for the test? Thanks.

OP posts:
Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 22:01

Good luck op.

SD1978 · 05/04/2022 22:07

Are the other classes the same? It sounds the same as the school my daughter goes to- although there are only 2 year 4 girls. It's a composite class though so there are also 5 year 3 girls. It's basically a school with no flipping girls in it here - is yours the same? Does she have friends in other classes? Any other schools slightly further away with a fairer mix? When you say the closest is selective, I'm going to assume you're not in Australia, as they are either fee paying or public, selective doesn't seem to really come in to it. Can the school encourage other friendships? Does she play with the boys at all? It's really tough when friendships change, when there are sofew girls to then speak to- are the girls still ok with her 1-1, or is it equally both? Any point in individual meet ups with each of them, see if anything can be repaired, and then a new class next year?

Original poster
AlJalilia · 05/04/2022 22:37

@SD1978 why does your school have so few girls?

OP posts:
Zonder · 05/04/2022 23:09

@Whitecushion

Are these all private schools? Why are you not looking at state schools? Your selection of private schools all sound truly awful!
I wonder this too.
SD1978 · 05/04/2022 23:10

@AlJalilia - quirk of fate- there are just less girls born in this area, weirdly. It's also a very small school (400 kids) and there are three year groups with damn all girls. My daughter also has a 'threesome' and she's usually the left out one- the other two tell her to go away as they want a 'private' chat, and it breaks her heart. Fortunately for me though she is happy to play with the boys, so she still us company at school.

HoppingPavlova · 06/04/2022 03:45

When you say the closest is selective, I'm going to assume you're not in Australia, as they are either fee paying or public, selective doesn't seem to really come in to it.

Not necessarily, I’m in Australia and this scenario would be possible where we are with public selective primaries.

HoppingPavlova · 06/04/2022 03:49

It’s funny as seems a common problem. When one of my kids went through there was only 8 girls in the year and they split them 4 in each class and then mixed them each year as they progressed through. Was just a year with no girls. Was not school specific either as they changed schools with huge distance and was similar at new school but not quite so bad. Didn’t happen with any of my others, their years were pretty balanced for sex.

SD1978 · 06/04/2022 04:54

@HoppingPavlova - fair enough. Victoria only has 4 high schools and no primary schools that would offer education like this.

Thereisnolight · 06/04/2022 07:55

@AlJalilia

Thanks everyone for your excellent advice. I really appreciate posters sharing their own experience and insights. I do need to move her. The victim-focused approach to dealing with bullying is wrong, IMO. And it means things will not change. I don’t feel that they value my DD as much as the other girls. And that breaks my heart. So this is what I have done:
  • Applied for the Nice School for Year 7
  • Applied for the Selective School for Year 5
  • I decided not to apply for the Sporty School.

The entrance test for the Selective School is next month. I want to give her the best possible chance of getting in. The school don’t tell you, but from what I can gather the test will be on Maths, Comprehension and Reasoning. Can anybody recommend some resources that we can use to prepare her for the test? Thanks.

We use the app www.ixl.com for maths.
Benjispruce4 · 06/04/2022 08:02

@SD1978 ‘private chats’ or ‘PTs’ are banned at my primary. Girls were using them to separate and isolate without making it too obvious. When would you see boys so that? .

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