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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move DD to another school?

180 replies

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 01:30

DD is 9 years old and in Year 4. We are not in the U.K. In her class are 17 boys and 5 girls. DD was good friends with 2 of the other girls for years. They were a happy group of 3 and had many play dates, etc. We never expected this to change. The other 2 girls in the class don’t really mix, one plays solely with the boys, the other likes to stay on her own. The boys have their own groups and don’t really mix with the girls.

A few months ago, DD’s 2 friends turned on her. They pushed her out of the group of 3 and now DD is alone. They are ignoring her on their shared online game, they rub DD’s face in it every time they have a sleepover without her, etc.

School are powerless to do anything but have arranged counselling for her. The counsellor said she has “come to terms with the new friendship situation” but I can see it is breaking her heart.

She saw them both out at the weekend and when they saw her, they just started whispering to each other. These two girls used to be her best friends.

DD is a lovely, kind, beautiful child. She doesn’t deserve this.

There is another school locally that we could potentially move her to. However, it is highly selective and DD is an average child. She would need so much tutoring to even stand a chance of being offered a place. However, if she did get in, there would be many other girls who she could be friends with.

I just don’t know what to do. Help me Mumsnet. My heart is breaking for her.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 05/04/2022 06:32

Parents enthuse about small classes but I think they can be terrible especially for girls. My poor sister was bullied for years at primary by her “friend” but literally no other friendship options as so few girls in the tiny “idyllic” country school she was utterly stuck.

She can’t stay where she is but appreciate your reservations about the other school but it can’t be any worse than the status quo.

Sent my girls to huge primary 3 class entrance and massive all girl state - a very deep friendship pool is top of my criteria for a school after my sisters experience. So when your friends turn weird and kick you out (highly likely with girls) there are lots of other options.

HorribleDryHair · 05/04/2022 06:36

I was in a 3-way friendship of girls in year 4 so we were 8 and 9. As pp's have said, 3's a crowd never works very well and is never sustainable. In my case both other girls wanted to be friends with me. I was a bit of a pushover and they were both strong character but I ended up doing what the bossiest one wanted. I wanted very much to be friends with them both though, and for them to be friends with each other. I was genuinely oblivious to any bullying although I am very bad at noticing social stuff like that generally. (It was the only time in my life people have fought over me, normally I am on the sidelines 🥲)

my point being - are you sure that both these girls have turned on your DD? Maybe one has realised that a 3-girl friendship is unsustainable and is bullying your DD to avoid being the one left out. Could you try not seeing them as a pair but arranging 1:1 playdates with them? Maybe one of them is driving it and the other's oblivious (I just thought that my 2 friends didn't like each other, and I wished they did. I didn't realise B felt A was bullying her till our mothers talked about it decades later.)

At the other school not everyone will be doing drugs or getting knocked up! And it can't be that sporty if they also have this reputation... Could it be that it's less academic (hence reputation for being both druggy and sporty?). And has a wide range of extra-curricular activities because it isn't a sausage-factory, exam-obsessed place? Where I am, the most academic school girls school virtually discourages any hobbies so as to maximise exam results, and the other private girls school has an undeserved reputation for being only sporty / druggy / for nice-but-dims because it has a more holistic approach. It still has a very good standard of teaching though.

Before you move DD (If that's what you decide to do), is it worth trying to befriend any of the boys? By definition they can't all be alphas. Do you mean they are all really rambunctious? Maybe the school treats boys and girls differently that is why they have so few girls? They shouldn't be allowed to faff around and ruin your DD's project like that. Do boys and girls not mix much in whatever culture you are in currently?

autienotnaughty · 05/04/2022 06:40

I would try inviting the quiet girl for a play date. She may be more accepting if it's just two. Or the other girl. Look into some out of school clubs to build friendships away from school, this is good for kids anyway. As a last resort consider moving schools if your dd wats to.

MsTSwift · 05/04/2022 06:41

With the odd exception children seem to really crave their own same sex friendship group. You get the odd boy / girl friendship but imo from year 4 onwards very small minority of either sex want to play exclusively with the other.

Also sadly this exclusion behaviour seems to be a developmental stage unfortunately it’s so common.

Original poster
AlJalilia · 05/04/2022 06:42

@HorribleDryHair that's very interesting and I wonder if you have a point about one of the girls driving this.

About the boys... they are quite rambunctious and not really her. She puts up with a lot at home from her older brother, so school was always a safe haven away from him, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/04/2022 06:44

I would put your dd’s name down for the heavily subscribed school for year 7, prepare her for the entrance exam for the selective school and if she doesn’t get in, change her to the sporty school.

Do the schools allow trials? I’d trial her at the sporty school now if they do. She will probably be ok for a couple of years. All private schools around here seem to be very hot on sport. Not all children are good at sport.

Failing all of this, I would send her to the local state school for a couple of years if these are all international. But that seems like a lot of local international schools.

Original poster
AlJalilia · 05/04/2022 06:51

The thing about the sporty school, is that I don't think we'd fit in as a family. Most of the children at the school go there because their dads/grandads/great-grandads went there (it has only recently gone co-ed). We are not from here and I would worry that the locals wouldn't accept us.

OP posts:
Zonder · 05/04/2022 07:05

I think you are overthinking the alternative schools. I'm going to repeat my suggestion of making an appointment with the heads of the other schools and discussing your predicament with them. They may be more lenient about a space if they understand what is going on and this could open a new door for your DD.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/04/2022 07:05

The school is not helping anymore. They have now moved to actively supporting the rift. I know this will be hugely upsetting for you. However, you cannot decide whether or not you will be accepted as a family if you don’t try.

Can your dd do a trial at the sporty school?

Failing that, can you move areas and start again? Or home school your dd for a couple of years?

Pawtriarchal · 05/04/2022 07:07

@AlJalilia

The thing about the sporty school, is that I don't think we'd fit in as a family. Most of the children at the school go there because their dads/grandads/great-grandads went there (it has only recently gone co-ed). We are not from here and I would worry that the locals wouldn't accept us.
If it’s only recently gone co-Ed then that might be something that dilutes the family history culture. It’s new for girls so it’s a new dynamic and your daughter can be part of that.
Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 07:13

Definitely speak to the parents at this age. I work with chn 5-11 and this type of thing is very common. 3’s a crowd is a saying for a reason. However at this age parents and school can normally get to the bottom of it. It gets much harder at secondary. I would arrange or meet the parents over a coffee and explain just how sad your DD is. They can’t be that heartless surely!

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 05/04/2022 07:16

One of my DC followed a sporty sibling into millfield despite the fact that she herself had no interest in sport. She does contemporary dance instead of hockey/netball, and because it is so sporty there are loads of different sport options for her, both team-based and individual, that allow her to do stuff that is far less pressurised on the sporting side (5th team players have zero pressure and more fun than 1st team). Not being sporty matters not a jot if the school has the right approach. Don’t dismiss a well-known school simply because of its reputation - go talk to them.

brainhurts · 05/04/2022 07:21

Sorry to say it's just girls being girls.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/04/2022 07:21

@AlJalilia

The thing about the sporty school, is that I don't think we'd fit in as a family. Most of the children at the school go there because their dads/grandads/great-grandads went there (it has only recently gone co-ed). We are not from here and I would worry that the locals wouldn't accept us.
You keep making different excuses about that school each time you post.

Why don't you go and see it for yourself and take your DD to have a look round before jumping

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/04/2022 07:22

Oops, pressed send too soon.

Go and have a look around with DD before jumping to all sorts of silly conclusions.

Original poster
AlJalilia · 05/04/2022 07:25

@fairylightsandwaxmelts you are right, I do make excuses about that school Grin. My DS is at the rival boys' school and used to play basketball against them. DS's school were rubbish but the sporty school were really good. Every Saturday for 4 seasons the sporty school beat DS's less-sporty school.

The issue for me was the parents. Every time sporty school scored, the parents would go crazy, jumping up and down and punching the air. Even when they were already winning 46-2. It just seemed really competitive and nasty. I felt so sorry for DS's team, getting beaten by the other school and the parents behaving like that.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 05/04/2022 07:26

Honestly are there no state schools she could go to because all these private schools sound awful.

Original poster
AlJalilia · 05/04/2022 07:30

@Hellocatshome

Honestly are there no state schools she could go to because all these private schools sound awful.
They really do Grin !
OP posts:
HorribleDryHair · 05/04/2022 07:30

@AlJalilia

The thing about the sporty school, is that I don't think we'd fit in as a family. Most of the children at the school go there because their dads/grandads/great-grandads went there (it has only recently gone co-ed). We are not from here and I would worry that the locals wouldn't accept us.
If it's only recently gone co-ed definitely, definitely check what the boy:girl ratio is!!! It usually takes a while to even out after a school stops being single-sex and you don't want to be in a similar situation with a new place!
Original poster
AlJalilia · 05/04/2022 07:31

@HorribleDryHair that is a really good point that I hadn't thought of! I will definitely check the boy:girl ration before taking it any further.

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 05/04/2022 07:38

[quote AlJalilia]@JustLyra thank you for confirming what I was thinking. No, the other girls were alone in groups of boys. Only the two ex-friends got to be in a group together.[/quote]
I'm wondering if this has more to do with the parents than you think.

My son was physically assaulted and the school handled it very badly. They made it impossible for him to remain there as they made it clear they would rather keep the bully and his sibling - 2 sets of fees.. - than keep my son. Just the one set. The parents were seen as something they weren't and the school were influenced by that.

EdenFlower · 05/04/2022 07:45

I wouldn't move her. I know it's horrible, but it's probably just a temporary blip and things will switch back as readily as they went wrong. The best solution is to try to work it out with the other girls as that will be a much stronger life lesson than simply jumping ship and not facing up to issues. At the end of the day she is there for an education and friendships can be found outside of school.

gingerhills · 05/04/2022 08:08

headteacher gave them a talk about being kind to each other.

I'd want to know more about this. If a Headteacher gives a generic talk about "being kind" that's just tickbox behaviour. She needs to make both girls very uncomfortable so they get a taste of what it's like to be isolated for no reason. When they feel for themselves the impact of this behaviour and are told by all adults that the adults know exactly what they are up to and don't condone it, then things might improve.

But they may have just outgrown each other. She does deserve to be in a wider network.

I would investigate the girl who allegedly likes to be on her own all the time. It could be a defence mechanism. Invite her over. And look at some of the boys - she may have things in common with them.

But yes, I probably would look at moving schools, long term.

Dogsinpajamas · 05/04/2022 08:17

Mt dc went to a small school and there were only 3 girls in dd year group, and 8 boys. It worked fine until about yr 4 when another girl joined and dd got pushed out of the friendships. Although she was good friends with most of the boys it made school very hard for her and I really wish we had moved her.

Go and see the other schools, all of them, and get a feel for them. A snapshot of parents at a competition is not the same as the day to day feel of a school. I’m as competitive as the rest of them at a match but that doesn’t mean I or my dc are not good friends with non sporty people, it’s not the same.

brainhurts · 05/04/2022 08:17

Unfortunately this is a faze most girls go through.
The school can't make them be friends, they can put a stop to laughing and sniggering behind her back .
There is nothing to say it won't happen at a different school. My DD went through it and came out the other side a stronger perso