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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move DD to another school?

180 replies

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 01:30

DD is 9 years old and in Year 4. We are not in the U.K. In her class are 17 boys and 5 girls. DD was good friends with 2 of the other girls for years. They were a happy group of 3 and had many play dates, etc. We never expected this to change. The other 2 girls in the class don’t really mix, one plays solely with the boys, the other likes to stay on her own. The boys have their own groups and don’t really mix with the girls.

A few months ago, DD’s 2 friends turned on her. They pushed her out of the group of 3 and now DD is alone. They are ignoring her on their shared online game, they rub DD’s face in it every time they have a sleepover without her, etc.

School are powerless to do anything but have arranged counselling for her. The counsellor said she has “come to terms with the new friendship situation” but I can see it is breaking her heart.

She saw them both out at the weekend and when they saw her, they just started whispering to each other. These two girls used to be her best friends.

DD is a lovely, kind, beautiful child. She doesn’t deserve this.

There is another school locally that we could potentially move her to. However, it is highly selective and DD is an average child. She would need so much tutoring to even stand a chance of being offered a place. However, if she did get in, there would be many other girls who she could be friends with.

I just don’t know what to do. Help me Mumsnet. My heart is breaking for her.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 05/04/2022 08:18

@gingerhills so you acknowledge that the friendship may have been outgrown but think the 3 girls should forced to be friends with each other? Or guilted into it? How well do you think that will actually work in practise?

Dogsinpajamas · 05/04/2022 08:20

@brainhurts

Unfortunately this is a faze most girls go through. The school can't make them be friends, they can put a stop to laughing and sniggering behind her back . There is nothing to say it won't happen at a different school. My DD went through it and came out the other side a stronger perso

Some children come out stronger I agree, others lose their self esteem and spend a long time struggling with friendships.

OP you know your dd best, if you think she can come through this stronger with your help, sit it out. If not, move her..

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 08:21

I agree that the headteacher hasn’t done enough. This wouldn’t be allowed to continue at my school. Isolation is a form of bullying if it’s carried out by the same person/group on the same person/group , repeatedly.

ikeepseeingit · 05/04/2022 08:30

I had a primary school experience that was very similar. Very few girls in the class. It has affected how I view female group friendships to this day. I am always expecting someone to not like me, someone to decide to push me out because it happened so much as a child. It was never anything that happened as far as I could tell. I should have moved but when my mum would ask me as a child I would say no. Definitely move her, I found it much easier when I moved to college and found a mixed group of friends. I should have done that much earlier!

brainhurts · 05/04/2022 08:46

@Porcupineintherough

I totally agree , all schools can do is make sure there is no nastiness, you cannot make anyone be friends , you can make them be civil to each other.

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 09:01

@brainhurts you don’t allow a child to be isolated. It’s not that she has other friends. They were friends so what’s changed? She now has nobody, that can’t be overlooked.

brainhurts · 05/04/2022 09:10

@Benjispruce4

How do you expect the school make them be friends?.
Can someone make you be friends with someone, can someone make you agree with me or me you .

MsTSwift · 05/04/2022 09:13

This is why it’s so hard. All you can do is try to teach your children social skills and put them in an environment with there are lots of other children so they have broad friendship options. Other than stamping on obvious unkindness there’s not much else parents and teachers can do.

MsTSwift · 05/04/2022 09:16

Also you and her are going to need to learn coping strategies because this may get worse before calming down. Dd2 13 year old friendship woes last summer nearly finished Dh and I off !

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 09:16

We wouldn’t allow leaving out one child at school. They can’t suddenly dislike a previous friend. They would be made to see how unkind it is and how might the other person feel. Unless these girls are sociopaths there must be some residual friendship there.By allowing this, school are enabling it.

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 09:19

As a school the teacher could put them together to work on a project such as a buddy bench or kindness group. Separate the pair in class etc to broaden friendships and allow the other girl time and space to work with either of the girls.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 05/04/2022 09:23

I would divide and rule.

You get in with the other parents: invite them and their Dd on a really good day out. If there is any nonsense about asking the others say ‘not this time’.

Then ask the other girl on a great play date. Home Ice Cream Parlour night or something.

I would also invite the other 2 girls at some stage.

Chonfox · 05/04/2022 09:23

17 boys and 5 girls would be enough reason for me to pull her. I wouldn't be happy with that at all regardless of the issues with her two friends. Particularly since you say it's private school! Do t pay for that shitty environment. Find a school with a better balance of the sexes - or even better an all girls school.

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 09:25

Oh no not an all girls school!!! Hell!

Chonfox · 05/04/2022 09:27

Oh no not an all girls school!!! Hell!

Not my experience at all. Ideal for most girls IMO (although of course there'll always be exceptions).

brainhurts · 05/04/2022 09:29

@MsTSwift

Also you and her are going to need to learn coping strategies because this may get worse before calming down. Dd2 13 year old friendship woes last summer nearly finished Dh and I off !

At last someone who ( like me and DD ) has first hand experience of girls who's friendship falls apart.
I never did find the magic fairy dust the school obviously posses to make girls be friends.
I probably like you supported my daughter and gave her strategies to cope .

Comedycook · 05/04/2022 09:31

My dd is currently in a very boy heavy class in primary and off to a girl's school for secondary. Right now, she had a choice of 8 girls to be friends with (thank heavens she gets on well with three of them) but my view is that in secondary, she'll have a choice of 29 girls to be friends with. I went to a girls school and loved it.

Chonfox · 05/04/2022 09:33

Yes that would be my thinking too - more girls equals more choice. Plus I don't see any benefit to being in a mixed school if like the Op says the boys won't play with the girls and the boys are disruptive. Which is pretty common IME.

MsTSwift · 05/04/2022 09:36

Also if she is being rejected and identified as the scapegoat of the group for her self esteem and dignity she needs to walk away from them entirely. Better alone than the puppy trying to join in being continually kicked. Dh always emphasised this to our girls I thought he was too black and white but actually he’s right. Also good attitude for future relationships with men.

MsTSwift · 05/04/2022 09:43

Actually we found girls school brilliant as there are lots of other girls so if there is unkindness you can bin that group for a fresh start. Plus the pastoral team are very knowledgeable about all this.

Dd2 now in a fun kindly cool crowd. The former “best friend” who kicked Dd out of her old friendship group then spread mad rumours to stop anyone else being friends with dd last summer (for sport basically she admitted it was all lies she was bored) is now desperate to join dds new group and has been told politely to fuck off. Success is the best revenge.

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 09:48

I have two DDs and speak from experience. My own, my girl’s and that of working with primary school girls. DD1 loved secondary girl’s school. DD2 found it more chalupas she’s less outgoing. Girls can be brutal and I think a few straightforward boys in the mix can help ease the cattiness.

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 09:48

Chalupa’s??? Challenging

Benjispruce4 · 05/04/2022 09:50

DDs are 21 and 18 now and DD2 had had an awful experience in 6th form would you believe? Whole of y13 virtually isolated, false rumours spread etc. We cannot wait for the end. This may well be colouring my answers.

Sushi7 · 05/04/2022 09:55

@Chonfox Find a school with a better balance of the sexes - or even better an all girls school.

My friend (we’re in our 20s) went to a private all girls secondary school and she said it was the worst experience of her life. Girls age 9+ (continues into adulthood…) can be so bitchy and nasty to one another! My friend also attributes her sheltered schooling to be why she keeps falling for the wrong, toxic men because she never really hung around them until she was 17!

Skelligsfeathers · 05/04/2022 09:56

Where in the world are you?

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