To move DD to another school?

[AlJalilia]

DD is 9 years old and in Year 4. We are not in the U.K. In her class are 17 boys and 5 girls. DD was good friends with 2 of the other girls for years. They were a happy group of 3 and had many play dates, etc. We never expected this to change. The other 2 girls in the class don’t really mix, one plays solely with the boys, the other likes to stay on her own. The boys have their own groups and don’t really mix with the girls.

A few months ago, DD’s 2 friends turned on her. They pushed her out of the group of 3 and now DD is alone. They are ignoring her on their shared online game, they rub DD’s face in it every time they have a sleepover without her, etc.

School are powerless to do anything but have arranged counselling for her. The counsellor said she has “come to terms with the new friendship situation” but I can see it is breaking her heart.

She saw them both out at the weekend and when they saw her, they just started whispering to each other. These two girls used to be her best friends.

DD is a lovely, kind, beautiful child. She doesn’t deserve this.

There is another school locally that we could potentially move her to. However, it is highly selective and DD is an average child. She would need so much tutoring to even stand a chance of being offered a place. However, if she did get in, there would be many other girls who she could be friends with.

I just don’t know what to do. Help me Mumsnet. My heart is breaking for her.

@AlJalilia What is the sporty school like in terms of pastoral care etc? Do you have any friends/acquaintances with children there? Schools do quite often have reputations for one particular strength, but - and I assume you're talking about the independent sector here - that generally just means that it's a 'super-strength', and that everything else is pretty good, too. If it's a nice, friendly school with a wide range of girls (and boys) with whom yours could be friends, that might be a good solution. I'd have thought it would be stressful to be coached through an entrance exam if the child then finds it difficult once they are there - I think that might be setting your daughter up for different problems. I'd investigate the sporty school if I were you.

Unless you live in a country where the culture tolerates or encourages selective abortion of female foetuses, there's surely got to be another accessible school where the rest of the girls are.

I wouldn't be trying to tutor an average-ability child to get into a highly selective school. She wouldn't be happy.

She can't have her former friends back. It's not in anyone's power to make that happen. She can try to engage with and get to know the girl who is always alone, or to join the other girl and play with the boys too.

If she did get into the academic school it sounds like it's likely she'll be towards the bottom of the class in ability. That's not going to boost her confidence.

The sporty school with places seems like a much better option. She is more likely to start enjoying some of the sports played that to enjoy being bottom of the class. Sports are good for team building and establishing friendships too.

Alternatively look at state schools. They are usually bigger so a bigger potential friendship pool and have a broader range of abilities.

A school with such few girls in a class isn't great at all. I think a lot of girls would struggle with just being with the same few girls every day for years and years. Especially so as they don't seem very nice. I can't believe what some people pay for with private education.

Unfortunately in my experience this sort of behaviour is quite typical of year 4 girls, but as PP have said it can change VERY quickly. It's only been a couple of months.

The school can and should be ensuring there is no bullying behaviour in school, so keep pushing on this.

I doubt the other girl is on her own through choice - could you invite her for a play date after school? Or the girl who likes playing with the boys? Spending time with the other girls in the class and/ or the boys is the obvious choice here, even if they're not natural play mates for your DD.

My DD went through something similar and it is heartbreaking to see as a parent BUT she learned a lot from the episode. The school were good at making sure the children didn't exclude others at playtime (even the girls who liked to try and exclude others) and they all learned to get along with a wide range of children they perhaps didn't have the most in common with and this has been really helpful for DD in secondary school.

Having said all this if your DD remains really unhappy over a very prolonged period then moving schools is an option, and schools with larger cohorts can be easier I think. I do think it's a big step to take over a 2-3 month falling out though, and I do think this behaviour is quite normal at this age, there is no guarantee it won't happen elsewhere.

@Doona

The other girl likes to stay on her own? So there's this girl wandering around on her own every lunchtime? Why? That's really concerning!

Haven’t read full thread but I agree with this. Your DD may have been as much to blame as anyone in this toxic little class. If it was my DD I would now move her - I’ve been in a similar position and I moved my DD this year and she’s much happier. Hopefully a larger class will be less toxic and every child will have a chance to find a friend.

Omg this is so normal between girls. Don't sweat it OP just make sure DD isn't being bullied in any way in school

she is being bullied already with the whispering etc, a fact the school have acknowledged by providing councelling. (they are in denial that she has come to terms with it.)

What stands out for me is that she has no friends who are boys? in a class with that make up?)

are there other classes in the year that she can switch to? what does she think about changing school?

The behaviour could be normal but with such a small pool of girls it has a far worse affect than it would in a larger school. I often had no particular friends at primary school but there we’re always big games, skipping and the like, that anyone could join. Break time for this DD must be awful.

Is this just a one form entry school? If so, are there any girls in the year above or below that she could befriend. If that’s not possible, I would definitely move her. You could also try activities where she could get to know children from other schools.

It is not the behaviour of the girls that is the issue, it is normal, but the way it is concentrated with so few of them, so limited in terms of spending time with other children and the lack of opportunity to make new friends. Anyone would hard such a tiny choice of company difficult, they will be in full survival mode trying to ensure their friendships do not disintegrate as they will have no one else. It is not healthy.

I wouldn't try for the selective school if you have to tutor her so much, put all that pressure on her to pass, what would happen if she doesn't? What would happen if she does and can't keep it up?

My DD is one year older and the girl in her class who has always only played with the boys has started now to try to join in with the girls. Probably as they're all starting to go through puberty. I'd try to arrange a play date with her.

I'd also look for an out of school activity, maybe one that probably has children she might to to secondary with.

And look into the sporty school. It's probably easier to be bad a sports in a sporty school than not be able to keep up in an academically selective school.

Sorry, just saw your update about the other girl on her own.
I would definitely move her.

All the girls will leave eventually. None can thrive in this setting.

Just wondering - do you have to pay for her counselling through the school?

I'm wondering why the school jumped down that route rather than actually addressing the bullying problem.

The sporty school - with bells on!

She is too young to be written off as not sporty and even if she isn't, she will find the tribe that don't really like the sports. It will also help, socially, that the school have the children all doing things in a way that mixes them all up.

@Lindy2 the counselling is free.

I agree it’s normal for girls, but usually there’s someone else to turn to. She can’t go through school with no friends. Please try and move her.

I would:

Get her name down for the full school, just in case.
Get her to sit the assessment for the selective school - do a few practice non verbal reasoning and verbal reasoning questions - there will be some online.

I’d also consider the sporty school. She can always move to the full school in a couple of years.

The thing about the sporty school is it’s also very liberal. I have clients with DC there and there is a lot of drug taking and teenage pregnancy, in spite of it being a world-renowned school. Honestly, my DS would fit in well there, but DD not so much.

@AlJalilia

The thing about the sporty school is it’s also very liberal. I have clients with DC there and there is a lot of drug taking and teenage pregnancy, in spite of it being a world-renowned school. Honestly, my DS would fit in well there, but DD not so much.

Your child is 9, she won't be taking drugs or getting pregnant. There will be drug taking, pregnancy and other 'liberal' activities at any secondary school her current school and teh academic one included and you'd be niave to think otherwise.

It certainly wouldn't be a reason to not move an unhappy 9 year old.

My dd goes to a sporty school and she is creative. She loves it and has had a great experience. Being sporty is just one element in almost all schools (except for places like Millfield) I would move her, drugs and pregnancy can happen in any school! :)

Not every child in a sport school will be alpha.
Not every biy in her class will be an "alpha boy"

Honestly OP I know you and your dd want things to just go back the way they were but that's not going to happen. So either your dd makes new friends where she is, or she moves or she spends the next 3 years alone. Those are the choices.

@AlJalilia

The school have tried. They got the girls together and gave them a job to do together, to try and mend relations. And the headteacher gave them a talk about being kind to each other.

I just told DH to ring the registrar at the over-subscribed school, I said “... I don’t care what you do, beg, flirt, or offer to buy her a Mercedes... just get her in.”

Christ, this really doesn't show you in a good light. Neither does the post about the liberal school with drugs and pregnancies. You are hopelessly naive if you don't think that happens at lots of schools, liberal or not.

The sporty school sounds like your daughter's best bet. A class with only 5 girls is always going to be a disaster.

Friendship issues at this age are common. This school is too small to absorb it though and offer other girls/boys to be friends with.
I'd explore all other options. Go and look at the sporty school. Get a tutor and see what they think.
Show your DD that there are other options out there and you have her back.
Some average attainers have the potential to do better in the right setting.
I'd have described my DD as clever but not exceptional and not sporty at the same age. She mid teens now, has found a sport she loves, is generally fitter and stronger and thus enjoys other sports more and has blossomed academically at high school.

We didn't have the same complication of a selective school but ds was in a small school with 12 kids in the class and of those about 6 boys including ds. When one took against him and started bullying by exclusion we did move ds, it was his choice.

In my mind, if I worked in a v small team and had a toxic environment I would get a new job if it.did not look like it could be resolved. And on top of that it is such a small window of their lived, they should be able to look back at fond memories as well as the fact that you build so much of your confidence and personality during these years.

Ds is much happier.

@AlJalilia

The school have tried. They got the girls together and gave them a job to do together, to try and mend relations. And the headteacher gave them a talk about being kind to each other.

I just told DH to ring the registrar at the over-subscribed school, I said “... I don’t care what you do, beg, flirt, or offer to buy her a Mercedes... just get her in.”

I suppose this is a joke?

If it's not a joke, are you in the habit of getting your own way by any means? If yes, you need to look closer to home, as so often, like mother like daughter, which could explain why the 2 other girls have distanced themselves. Maybe their parents don't like you, having picked up on your sharp middle class elbows?

The thing about the sporty school is it’s also very liberal. I have clients with DC there and there is a lot of drug taking and teenage pregnancy, in spite of it being a world-renowned school. Honestly, my DS would fit in well there, but DD not so much.

Reaaaally - how many pupils, 200, thus that record is a bit shockiing, 2,000 well, like most schools I would say.

It's sounding like you are taking 9yo girl dramas and childish stereotypes too far, OP. These are kids, not mean girls, drug takers from the wrong side of the track, alpha males etc.

It's great you are supporting your daughter, but as the adult, it is your job to also give her a bit of perspective, not get carried away like a fellow nine year old.

Good luck with choosing a school, but do try to move your DD away from making judgements about other kids based on US school TV shows. The more varied her friends, the more lovely people she'll find.