Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move DD to another school?

180 replies

AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 01:30

DD is 9 years old and in Year 4. We are not in the U.K. In her class are 17 boys and 5 girls. DD was good friends with 2 of the other girls for years. They were a happy group of 3 and had many play dates, etc. We never expected this to change. The other 2 girls in the class don’t really mix, one plays solely with the boys, the other likes to stay on her own. The boys have their own groups and don’t really mix with the girls.

A few months ago, DD’s 2 friends turned on her. They pushed her out of the group of 3 and now DD is alone. They are ignoring her on their shared online game, they rub DD’s face in it every time they have a sleepover without her, etc.

School are powerless to do anything but have arranged counselling for her. The counsellor said she has “come to terms with the new friendship situation” but I can see it is breaking her heart.

She saw them both out at the weekend and when they saw her, they just started whispering to each other. These two girls used to be her best friends.

DD is a lovely, kind, beautiful child. She doesn’t deserve this.

There is another school locally that we could potentially move her to. However, it is highly selective and DD is an average child. She would need so much tutoring to even stand a chance of being offered a place. However, if she did get in, there would be many other girls who she could be friends with.

I just don’t know what to do. Help me Mumsnet. My heart is breaking for her.

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 28/03/2022 07:55

Sit the test, keep it low key and relaxed, you have nothing to lose by trying.

I am amazed the school's solution is to tell your dd she has the problem, and give her counselling. This is very damaging by reinforcing the idea that there is something wrong with her, there is nothing wrong with her apart from a lack of children to play with. They are trying to keep you quiet and happy so you don't leave, then they will be down to four girls.

I would make this as nice for your dd as possible, little tea parties with the other girls, lots of extracurricular activities to make friends outside of school, reinforcement of her self esteem which will be suffering all the while planning to get her out of there.

Original poster
AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 07:57

Thanks. Some great advice here. Does anybody have any advice for how to prep DD for the entrance test? I’m going to give it a go.

OP posts:
LaLentil · 28/03/2022 08:05

I would try to get to the bottom of this and ask the other parents very tactfully (or as tactfully as possible) what is going on and that your d is feeling sad and left out. There is a chance, op, that your dd is the one who was unkind or bossy at one point and the other two rebelled against this, I see this time and time again in primary school. Of course this may not apply to your situation. I have seen girls who are very determined and want to have their own way in games or show off due to insecurity being left out by their usual friendship group as the other girls start asserting themselves. This usually happens in year 4 and 5. Go into this conversation with an open mind. If there is no improvement, I'd move her. 5 girls in a class is not ideal.

Swayingpalmtrees · 28/03/2022 08:06

Tutoring if you can afford it. As much as possible, with someone known to be successful with this particular school. Get copies of past tests and ask dd to do them, refining her answers and understanding how it works. Work out what she needs to work on. Speak to the new school and get some advice about the entrance exam. Two months isn't ages, but it might be enough.

Calmdown14 · 28/03/2022 08:06

You seem to be ignoring the questions about why she can't play with the other two girls?
Has she tried? Perhaps the friendship of three excluded them and this is a chance to change things?
Learning that you need to adapt is an important life skill. Can guarantee that if she and the poor girl wandering round on her own are suddenly friends, one of the old friends will be back immediately

JurassicPerks · 28/03/2022 08:07

Just a word of warning, if you tutor heavily to get her in, will she spend the rest of her time there struggling?
Will the school places shuffle when you get to Senior school (I too am guessing International school) or does everywhere go 3-18?

Entrance exam: what format does it take? Look at examples of questions related to that. So maybe maths, English. Maybe verbal and non verbal reasoning.

Yes, I think you should move her, but I'm not sure the heavily selective school is the right place either.

Underfrighter · 28/03/2022 08:11

I also think you need to talk to the other patents. Not in an accusatory way but in a 'I really need to get to the bottom of this so I know what steps to take next' type way. It doesn't matter if its awkward

Original poster
AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 08:13

@JurassicPerks I think once they’re in, the school help the less able children. They take children from age 3 and it only becomes selective at Year 5. So I’m assuming there are quite a lot of average children who started before then.

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 28/03/2022 08:16

Op, I have experience of a small set of girls in a boy heavy environment and the issues are going to be relentless.
Having the choice of one set of two girls or the other two will put a strain on all of them, not just your dd and as they get older this will create more problems not less. Socialising with lots of children is a life skill your child is not learning, because she only has four people to talk to each day - and two of those are now out of the picture. What a lonely sad and long school day it must be for her, and for the other two. Do you have other school options apart from the selective school?

Swayingpalmtrees · 28/03/2022 08:18

You have to put your child first, it is not your job to work out why the school is down to just five girls or what will happen with the others. Your child is very unhappy and is now being told it is her fault - via counselling. I would move her just about anywhere in your position.

Original poster
AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 08:18

@Swayingpalmtrees there are 4 schools in the area: her current school, the selective one, the one with no places and a co-ed that’s very sports oriented (which she isn’t, unfortunately).

OP posts:
sirensscreech · 28/03/2022 08:21

Is there a state school she could go to?

Polyanthus2 · 28/03/2022 08:30

She's 9 - seems early to write off sports - swimming? Probably the best you could do for a shy girl is help her get good at a sport.

Beees · 28/03/2022 08:34

I'm guessing there's a reason you're ignoring the very sensible suggestion of her talking to and hopefully becoming friends with the poor girl who spends all her time alone?

If so then surely the sporty school that has spaces is the most sensible move rathe ratherthan a very academic school you will have to heavily tutor her to hopefully getting into. I doubt at 9 she's tried a lot of sports it's entirely possible she thinks she's not actually sporty but would excell at a sporty school.

Original poster
AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 08:41

@Beees sorry, let me explain about the girl who doesn’t want to be friends... she was good friends with a couple of girls who left last year to go to a new school. The 3 of them were the Year 3 Mean Girls. Since then, DD and the other girls have tried to get her to join them, but she doesn’t want to. I don’t think she’s shy, I think she genuinely believes she’s better than them. I have seen her snort with derision when asked if she wanted to join their game. We have tried invited her for a play date, but she doesn’t want to come.

OP posts:
Geneticsbunny · 28/03/2022 08:50

In the mean time is your daughter in any out of school clubs where she can make other friends? There will always be fall outs with groups of friends but if she has several sets of friends they are unlikely to all fall out at the same time and therefore it won't feel so overwhelming. Maybe something like brownies or an art club might be good for her?

Original poster
AlJalilia · 28/03/2022 08:52

@Geneticsbunny no, none at all. This is definitely something to consider.

OP posts:
Beees · 28/03/2022 08:53

I'm sure it maybe feels like that but please try to remember this other child is also 9 and has lost her friends too. Maybe she could do with a friendly face.

Then I would move her to the sporty school asap preferably after Easter if possible.

HELLITHURT · 28/03/2022 08:53

Such a difficult situation, the other parents will not try to resolve this as it doesn't bother their child.

MynameisJune · 28/03/2022 08:54

I too would try the sports school. My eldest seemed uncoordinated and clumsy growing up. But we sent her to ballet, gymnastics and sports club because she wanted to try them. She’s doing amazing at both ballet and gymnastics, as a toddler/preschooler who would could barely walk without falling or injuring herself I was astounded. And her confidence has gone up so much too.

JurassicPerks · 28/03/2022 08:56

Don't rule out the sporty school.

Comedycook · 28/03/2022 08:56

I'd move her. My dds primary class is very boy heavy...very few girls. Thankfully she has a small group of friends but it hasn't been easy and I wish she had never been put in that class

Swayingpalmtrees · 28/03/2022 09:04

Go for the sporty school op!
The entrance exam is potentially going to be a less than positive experience if she doesn't get in. Sporty schools are healthy happy schools, she is only young you might be surprised yet at her talents and abilities.

The other girls were moved for good reason. The girl on her own is unlikely to stay. Eventually all will move, so you may as well get your dd out of there now.

TabithaHazel · 28/03/2022 09:05

It sounds really hard, but I do wonder about the other two girls in the class - did the little threesome exclude these girls and now it's your daughter's turn for that treatment? I can't really imagine a girl of that age truly being happy to be alone all the time as you've described one of the other two girls in the class.

In terms of moving her to the selective school, if she would need so much tutoring to get in then how would you expect her to cope while she was there - the phrase out of the frying pan into the fire springs to mind!

I think the only thing you can do is to try to build her resilience and move her focus away from the two former friends so they just become background chatter in her mind, not a big gaping hole.

Shockedmama · 28/03/2022 09:13

I would consider giving this a little more time? Is there anyone else in the class you can encourage as a friend? Outside clubs?
As horrible as it is once they stop being able tp affect your daughter they will
Turn on each other and that will be good for your daughter to see! Things can change very quickly and your daughter will
Come out of this the other side stronger wiser and confident to handle toxic friendships.

Swipe left for the next trending thread