To leave DP for not wanting to have a better life

[Creams0da]

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

Sorry that's a really tough situation to be in. It's also quite selfish of him, he needs to understand relationships are about compromise. Can you maybe buy or rent a little weekend flat or something in the country side? Then at least you get some time in the fresh air!

I guess the issue is whether this disagreement means you're fundamentally incompatible or not. It's difficult.

I'm wondering what else you'll have to sacrifice to keep him happy. Everything is on his terms, and that will breed nothing but regret and resentment. It's ok to admit that he's not the man for you, regardless of how much you might care for him.

He has been honest.
He likes his life and isn't going anywhere.

His football team is more important than you, however unpalatable that is to you.

He cares for you, but not above the familiar life he enjoys.

Accept that or move yourself.

I think you will always be pushing him uphill.

Do you want a family with someone like that?

London is an expensive city to buy a home and rear a family in.

It is wise to think about these things.

I don’t think it’s that selfish of him.

He’s never had the dream of moving to the countryside, away from London. He met OP living in London. He’s not promised her anything other than what she saw and fell in love with.

Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London

It’s interesting that you say the life we want - because what is that? The life he wants is to be near family and friends - that’s his priority. He doesn’t feel anything is missing…

How often does he go to see his mum and dad?

I don’t think it’s selfish of him - you just want different things!

You seem to have completely neglected to take into account his quality of life includes having his friends and family and hobbies being nearby. That’s what gives him quality of life. I understand this fact about him is totally irrelevant to you so yes you should leave.

@NoSquirrels

I don’t think it’s that selfish of him.

He’s never had the dream of moving to the countryside, away from London. He met OP living in London. He’s not promised her anything other than what she saw and fell in love with.

Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London

It’s interesting that you say the life we want - because what is that? The life he wants is to be near family and friends - that’s his priority. He doesn’t feel anything is missing…

I agree. Op, he's told you clearly what he wants, and it's simply not what you want. Why haven't you accepted this? You come in thrid place in his life, it's time to move on.

*third

Just to note, he's generally very compromising in our relationship, very laid back. It's not all him getting his own way, it's just this one reluctance to leave the city because it's all he's known. I'm kind of hoping that when we start looking for somewhere to buy later this year, he'll actually realise we have very few options locally...

@NoSquirrels

I don’t think it’s that selfish of him.

He’s never had the dream of moving to the countryside, away from London. He met OP living in London. He’s not promised her anything other than what she saw and fell in love with.

Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London

It’s interesting that you say the life we want - because what is that? The life he wants is to be near family and friends - that’s his priority. He doesn’t feel anything is missing…

I agree with this.

I don't think he's being selfish at all. If anything it's the OP being selfish expecting her DP to change his entire life for her.

Also what's this better life you speak of? What is it you want, that you don't already have or can't get from living in London?

Does it have to be Yorkshire that you move to? Is there not somewhere rural a bit closer where it might be more palatable to him?

To be honest if someone asked me to move 4 hours away from my parents now I'd say no as it would mean hardly seeing them, despite the many on Mumsnet who will say this is a daytrip! we all have our different priorities so I don't think it's fair to ask him to sacrifice his for yours, and vice versa. Ultimately this might mean you go your separate ways but if you don't, one will resent the other.

Good luck OP

He wants something different- I don't see him as selfish or as putting his football team before you - he's happy. He has strong roots where he is.
If you're not happy or if you think you'll begin to resent this life, his cards are on the table and you now have the choice of moving to a new area for a fresh start or finding happiness where you are. Its a big decision and I wish you all the best with it.

Tbh I think he's fine to want to stay & you're fine to not want to. At least he's been honest.

I’m a Londoner and I love the countryside but I wouldn’t have a better quality of life moving up north away from my job and friends and family, things and places I love.

I would be bored and isolated.

My sister lives up north and so does my best friend. I don’t want to live where they live. Even if it would give me a massive house in lieu of my 2 bed flat.

I don't think he's selfish to not want to uproot his life to live the OP's dream. Neither of you is in the wrong here but you are both on different pages. One of you needs to sacrifice a lot to meet the needs of the other. Is this relationship right for either of you?

Why is he anymore selfish to want different things to the OP?

@Creams0da

Just to note, he's generally very compromising in our relationship, very laid back. It's not all him getting his own way, it's just this one reluctance to leave the city because it's all he's known. I'm kind of hoping that when we start looking for somewhere to buy later this year, he'll actually realise we have very few options locally...

Well that's going to be the crunch point really, isn't it? Either it'll change his mind or it won't, and then at least you'll know. By 'very few' what sort of thing are we talking? Ie is it actually possible for you to buy in Greater London at all, and if so are we in shared ownership of a studio territory or something a bit further up the ladder?

Oh and also, think about how you define "better life". For some that's material like a bigger house etc but it sounds like for him he values family and social connections so has a different definition.

I don't think he's being selfish. He's been upfront from the start that he won't leave London.

Relationships are about compromise but some things you can't compromise on.

As for uf you should stay or go, only you can answer that. I will say this though... don't stay with someone just because your afraid you won't meet someone else. That's not fair on you or him.

You want different things, and that doesn't mean either of you are being unreasonable. He is happy to live near family, you are more used to traveling/starting afresh. Neither are wrong. Perhaps he doesn't see your vision as being the better option.

I agree with @NoSquirrels, he's been open and honest with you, you met in London and that's where he sees his life.
You mention "we can't afford to live the life we want living in London". The "we" bit is key here. From your post your DP is happy with the life he has, it's you who wants a different lifestyle.

Either accept what he's saying or move on, the choice is yours...but don't expect that you can make him change what he wants in life.

Dh & I are Londoners & yes we could have more for our money elsewhere but it's fantastic to have family around with young dc & just to spend time with them.

He never said he wanted to live anywhere else and he has family and friends in London he clearly values greatly. Relationships of all kinds are important - I'm not sure your desire to do outdoorsy activities trumps his close friends and family.

A lot of men don't find it easy to build close friendships or have strong family relationships - would he be unhappy and isolated if he moved away? It's great he has them now to be honest.

Lots of us can't afford the life we want - we compromise and live somewhere smaller or less fancy than we would if money was no object.