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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DP for not wanting to have a better life

231 replies

Creams0da · 27/03/2022 11:07

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

OP posts:
Anniefrenchfry · 27/03/2022 12:04

I'm kind of hoping that when we start looking for somewhere to buy later this year, he'll actually realise we have very few options locally...

That’s quite unpleasant, I am sure you didn’t mean it as you wrote it. You don’t want him to feel forced to do it when he doesn’t wish to surely?

He doesn’t want to move from London to Yorkshire. Not just so he can have a garden and cycle and hike. Leaving everything he loves so far behind, that’s your dream. You need to decide what’s more important, the relationship or the desire to move to Yorkshire.

BlueOverYellow · 27/03/2022 12:04

You want different things in this regard.

You're not married. Decide what you want and go do it, even if it means moving away on your own.

TedMullins · 27/03/2022 12:04

Neither of you are unreasonable. He isn’t selfish and it doesn’t mean his football team means more to him than you do. Of course you can have a garden in London - I live in a one bed flat in SE london and have a huge shared garden that nobody else uses. You can get on a train into the countryside/drive to rural places if you drive to cycle and hike.

You say if you moved to rural Yorkshire alone you’d be isolated and not know anyone - wouldn’t it be the same if you moved with your DP? You’d have each other, but no friends. Personally no amount of countryside and big house would make up for a total lack of social connections.

I do understand the yearning for more space - of course I’d love my own private garden and somewhere bigger than a one bed flat, which is all I can afford to buy in London, but the negatives of moving away would far outweigh the positives. There is a LOT to be said for having local friends and a sense of local community. I can see why he wouldn’t want to leave these behind.

Anniefrenchfry · 27/03/2022 12:07

@Creams0da

I'm not set 100% on Yorkshire, I'd just like to live somewhere that owning a 2 bedroom home with a garden might be achievable, and there's the option to get out into the countryside for challenging hikes and bike rides very regularly. (DP would like this also). We literally want for nothing but fresh air and nature!
But this makes no sense, you must know full well you can easily achieve these things living in London. Christ I live an hour from central London and would be classed as rural. There are so many places you can go within commuter distance to achieve this. You cannot possibly want for fresh air and nature, as it’s hugely accessible to you.
Chewbecca · 27/03/2022 12:08

I moved away when I was about 20. Got a bigger house etc., I moved back home (SE) after 3 years and vowed never to leave again.
The size of the home & beauty of the location counts for nothing if you don't have friends and family nearby.
Friends and family nearby make me happy on a day to day basis. I go on holiday or weekends away for nature and beauty.

Momijin · 27/03/2022 12:08

You won't have a better way of life, just different. Family, friends and roots are important so I understand him not wanting to move somewhere unknown and leave everyone behind.

My family is spread out all over the world and I wish we all lived closer.

Quitelikeit · 27/03/2022 12:08

I disagree with the doomsayers - the guy is happy where he is - you can’t put a price on that. I imagine he would be quite miserable away from all he knows and rightly so.

Having a garden is over rated - how about getting an allotment

Unsureaboutit9 · 27/03/2022 12:08

You don’t need to move all the way to
Yorkshire for a 2 bed with a garden. YABU for saying he doesn’t ‘want a better life’, he just values different things to you. His values clearly prioritise friends and family to outdoor space and more money. You just want different things OP, maybe you just arnt as compatible as you though?

Krakenchorus · 27/03/2022 12:08

He is living the life he hopes to live. He has his family and friends and his sport and a familiar city that he enjoys.

You think quality of life is nature and a house with a garden; he thinks it is family in a place he's always lived. Neither of you are wrong.

People in London have gardens (if they can afford it). They have allotments for gardening. They have beautiful and well-tended parks. They join country walking groups. They go camping and mountain biking. It's just not always on the doorstep.

You can't move him. So ask yourself if you could see a way to be happy staying, one that you can afford.

FollowtheLizards · 27/03/2022 12:10

Have you done any window shopping for houses on Rightmove with him yet? If he's never really looked into the costs of buying a house, he may not realise how much more he can get for his money by moving a bit further out. Actually seeing a few examples, may get him thinking about the lifestyle he could have in the future and you may find he's more willing to compromise on travelling further to play football and see his parents.

godmum56 · 27/03/2022 12:11

nither of you are selfish but something is going to have to give.....

RoundGlass · 27/03/2022 12:12

I'm a born and bred londoner. All my friends and family are here. I'd never leave. You could say you are the selfish one for wanting him to leave (I personally don't think either of you are being selfish). You both want different things, he's been clear what he wants, now you need to make your decision.

petrichorinthesummer · 27/03/2022 12:14

YABVU to expect him to move. I know from bitter experience that being able to afford a big old house, in a lovely goldfish bowl of a village where everyone knows each other, and being surrounded by idyllic countryside; when at heart you are a city person, loving all the rough and tumble, excitement and culture that a city can provide, is just a life of misery, isolation and boredom. Neither of you are unreasonable to want what you want, but you just want different things, and it's unreasonable for one person to seek to impose their idyll on the other against their will. You are not compatible.

BobblyBlueJumper · 27/03/2022 12:16

I don't live in London, I live in another big city. The inner city, desi shops and terraced houses and nowhere to park. I run trails and I can get to lots of green space within an hour on public transport. This insistence that the countryside is only available if you have it on your doorstep is really weird. I have a very outdoorsy life and it's not restricted at all by living in a city.

Hankunamatata · 27/03/2022 12:16

I met DH aboard. We had the discussion about where we would settle. He said would happily settle in my home area but I could tell he really wanted to go 'home' and be near his family. So we did. It's worked well for us. You just have to decide if your happy to sacrifice lifestyle to stay with him🤷‍♀️

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/03/2022 12:16

You’ve got itchy feet and he hasn’t, only you can decide what you want to do about it.

I admire his love for his family.

kritigirl · 27/03/2022 12:16

Agree with everyone who says he is not being selfish. He has been honest about what he wants. It is ok for men to have what they want too sometimes.

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2022 12:17

Why Yorkshire? I can see why he doesnt want to move so far away from his homebase to somewhere where neither of you have roots?

London is a huge place - we live in Greater London and there are lots of bike and hiking places.

I take it you are quite central at the moment? Could you look at places in the Greater London/Home County place that might work

Sirzy · 27/03/2022 12:18

Surely within an hours travel of London you could find somewhere with a more outdoorsy lifestyle for you both? May not be your dream location but surely a compromise?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 27/03/2022 12:21

I can see that you think he's being inflexible but I think he's right. He knows himself well enough to know that he would be miserable living away from his family. It's far better for him to be upfront about this now so that you can make a decision based on reality. It would be much worse for both of you if he did what you wanted and couldn't cope with the new life and left you to move back to London.

You can choose to live your dream by leaving him, moving to the dream location and then finding a new partner there, someone who is already happy in the location. Or you can compromise in order to keep the partner you have now and be somewhere that isn't quite right for you. What you can't do is force him to be unhappy in order to keep you happy. He is literally telling you that he won't do that. And good for him to know his boundaries and keep them.

Youdoyoutoday · 27/03/2022 12:22

"and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!"

It seems you have a plan and want a second income to help with that idea of your plan, not necessarily your DP.

You want to move to where you don't know anyone and he wants to stay where he knows his family and friends, I don't think that's unreasonable.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/03/2022 12:25

How is he any more selfish than OP? They just want different things. One of them gives in or they part.

couchparsnip · 27/03/2022 12:26

@newbienel

Sorry that's a really tough situation to be in. It's also quite selfish of him, he needs to understand relationships are about compromise. Can you maybe buy or rent a little weekend flat or something in the country side? Then at least you get some time in the fresh air!
Yes just buy another house when you're worried about finances already. Great advice.
SunshineAndFizz · 27/03/2022 12:26

Surely there's a compromise - must be semi rural places an hour ish outside London? Why not suggest you guys at least look at a few places an hour out - just to get a feel for locations and prices?

CruCru · 27/03/2022 12:27

I think both of you have had a hard time on here. I don't think the OP absolutely insists on moving to Yorkshire - she has said that she'd like a two bedroom place with a garden and some access to outdoor activities. Frankly, if she wants children then they will probably need at least two bedrooms.

On the other hand, the OP is someone who has moved to a city and met someone who is from that city and has built their life there. Being surprised (perhaps not the right word) that they don't want to move. I remember someone on here (a while back) saying that at a certain point it was time to "grow up and move out of London" - which is quite irritating for Londoners (I was born in London).

How much time do you expect to do the outdoors stuff? If it is all weekend, every weekend then wanting to move closer to the countryside may be fair enough. However most people spend most of their time doing "normal" stuff.