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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DP for not wanting to have a better life

231 replies

Creams0da · 27/03/2022 11:07

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

OP posts:
Getoff · 27/03/2022 11:30

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you want him to give up most of the things that matter to him so you can have a home with more bedrooms, for the children you'd like to have?

If it's not that, what are the things he could have in Yorkshire that you think should be more important to him than his existing family, friends and social life?

Original poster
Creams0da · 27/03/2022 11:31

@NoSquirrels

I don’t think it’s that selfish of him.

He’s never had the dream of moving to the countryside, away from London. He met OP living in London. He’s not promised her anything other than what she saw and fell in love with.

Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London

It’s interesting that you say the life we want - because what is that? The life he wants is to be near family and friends - that’s his priority. He doesn’t feel anything is missing…

Fair point. We both love trail and tour cycling and hiking, and would love to have a garden, which are all (to me) quite basic pleasures in life. Neither of us are into material things. But none of these things are really possible if we stay in London forever.
OP posts:
Getoff · 27/03/2022 11:31

Sorry I missed the bit about ourdoorsy activities. But how is that a reason for him to want to move?

Getoff · 27/03/2022 11:33

Last question was answered as I was posting!

ArialAnna · 27/03/2022 11:34

  1. Would you be happy to do a long distance relationship? I.e. you live in your rural idyll and he remains in London, and you take it in turns to visit each other every or every other weekend? Not cheap as you'll be maintaining two households and spending money on travel.

  2. You dont say where you are, but could you move a bit further out (I.e. within an hour of his football etc) but more rural? It probably won't be quite a rural as your ideal, but I'm sure you could find somewhere a lot quieter than London?

twominutesmore · 27/03/2022 11:35

I don't think he's being selfish either really. No way I'd leave my home city, which I love, and my entire life - family, friends, hobbies - for an airy fairy hope of something that might or might not be better half a day's drive away.

You just want different things. Can a compromise be made? Isn't there anywhere closer that would allow you to buy a property with a garden?

MojoMoon · 27/03/2022 11:36

People have gardens in London. I live in an ex-council flat on the edge of zone 1 and it has a garden, decent size for the area.
It's not a beautiful building and it's a compact flat on a council estate. But if a garden is important, you can have it IF you compromise on other things (like living on an estate).

Likewise - London has far more regular cyclists than rural Yorkshire. It's how lots of us get to work. Presumably you'd only be trail cycling at the weekend if you live rurally (since I assume you have jobs) - just get your bikes on an early train out of London on Saturday and go for a ride.

Relationships are super important to happiness. Do you have close friends in London? Perhaps it's harder for you to imagine how hard it is to give those up.

Whinge · 27/03/2022 11:37

We both love trail and tour cycling and hiking, and would love to have a garden, which are all (to me) quite basic pleasures in life. Neither of us are into material things. But none of these things are really possible if we stay in London forever.

So you want him to give up family, friends, social activities so you can have a garden and possibly more outdoors time. Confused

The grass isn't always greener, and your idea of a better life might just be that, an idea.

StCharlotte · 27/03/2022 11:38

My dad's job was fairly unique in the 60s and he was offered secondments all over the world because of his expertise. My mum was desperate to go but he wouldn't budge. They were still very happy. It can be done.

Soontobe60 · 27/03/2022 11:39

@newbienel

Sorry that's a really tough situation to be in. It's also quite selfish of him, he needs to understand relationships are about compromise. Can you maybe buy or rent a little weekend flat or something in the country side? Then at least you get some time in the fresh air!
It is tough, but one could argue that it’s selfish on both their parts. It’s not like deciding what to have for tea. Where you choose to live is a massive decision. If anything the OP is being more selfish because they met in London and it’s her that wants to move away.
Hercisback · 27/03/2022 11:40

It's not like your options are London or Yorkshire. There's green space in between.

I don't think either of you are wrong or more selfish than the other. You want different things. So you compromise or move on.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/03/2022 11:43

I don't think he's being selfish, and I don't think moving to Yorkshire would give him a better life - I think he is making the right choice, tbh. If you want to move you can definitely do it, and find someone who wants the same things as you. But he is right to value home, family, community - these things are priceless. And London is great too - I'm not even from here but I wouldn't leave because a boyfriend wanted to move to Yorkshire.

FrownedUpon · 27/03/2022 11:43

Quality of life for him means his family close by. There’s nothing wrong with that. Lots of people in London pursue outdoor activities in places like Box Hill. You just get on a train. You don’t need to move to Yorkshire…

Chickychoccyegg · 27/03/2022 11:46

I can't believe some posters have called him selfish and saying op comes after football, why should he move, he enjoys living in London with his friends and family near by, why should he uproot when he doesn't want to?
You met him in London, he's never indicated he might move, so you're the one who will have to decide if you should stay or if you want to start a new life in Yorkshire

spaceman1 · 27/03/2022 11:46

Sometimes people regret their move to the countryside and find they can't afford to move back to London, so quite risky.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/03/2022 11:48

He isn't being selfish, but this is the sort of issue to which there is no resolution. You want different things from life.

I am surprised you hadn't discussed it a but earlier in your relationship. This is deal breaker stuff!

Sweepingeyelashes · 27/03/2022 11:53

I just don't think you are compatible. My family were emigrants who gave up almost everything to have a better life in the 1950s. My husband's ancestors clambered onto a very small sailing ship in the 1870s for a hellish trip of thousands of miles knowing they'd never see their families again and with no idea what was waiting for them. At 21 years old I started in a new city where I knew almost nobody. Your DP just isn't that kind of person who would be happy moving. He doesn't prioritise what you prioritise.

FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 27/03/2022 11:57

The basic asks you describe could be achieved in London (but no idea of your budget or scope to compromise) or somewhere outside London but within a realistic commuting distance so you’re no longer asking him to give up a life he already loves.

I’m at a point in life when starting again in a totally new area would be a red line for me; as would be a long journey to see my family. I think YABU to push on this, although if you value a different lifestyle over the relationship then I think you have to let him go.

Anniefrenchfry · 27/03/2022 11:57

We both love trail and tour cycling and hiking, and would love to have a garden, which are all (to me) quite basic pleasures in life. Neither of us are into material things. But none of these things are really possible if we stay in London forever

But he loves having his family and friends and hobbies close by more. I have no comprehension why you think he can’t do trail or tour cycling and hiking when he lives in London, he can easily travel a short distance and do those things. All he will be missing is a garden. Which isn’t really worth giving everything you love and know up for.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/03/2022 12:00

I’d end the relationship. You just want different things.

RustyShackleford3 · 27/03/2022 12:00

Does it need to be Yorkshire? You've already said you don't know anyone there. That's probably not helping the situation if he has always lived in London and values being near his family. There are loads of bits of countryside that are much closer to London than Yorkshire. Maybe you can come to a compromise?

Original poster
Creams0da · 27/03/2022 12:01

I'm not set 100% on Yorkshire, I'd just like to live somewhere that owning a 2 bedroom home with a garden might be achievable, and there's the option to get out into the countryside for challenging hikes and bike rides very regularly. (DP would like this also). We literally want for nothing but fresh air and nature!

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 27/03/2022 12:02

@StCharlotte

My dad's job was fairly unique in the 60s and he was offered secondments all over the world because of his expertise. My mum was desperate to go but he wouldn't budge. They were still very happy. It can be done.
@StCharlotte Would your mum have really told you though if she wasn’t?!
Tonya345 · 27/03/2022 12:03

Having family and friends nearby is very important to a lot of people, including your partner.
You want him to give up all these close relationships, so that you can have more outdoor space, which I think is quite selfish on your part. This is all about what you want.

JoanOgden · 27/03/2022 12:03

There are lots of possible compromise options here. Surely you could find somewhere to live within an hour of his family where you could have a garden and easy access to the countryside? I'm sure MNers could make some helpful suggestions if you gave a rough idea of area.

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