To leave DP for not wanting to have a better life

[Creams0da]

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

I don't think it would be U to split up if you have completely different aims and wishes in life. Better now than at a later stage. But I wouldn't regard it as you wanting a 'better life' whereas he doesn't. Rather, you have different ideas of what is a 'good life'. He values being near his family, friends and hobbies; you value being able to afford things that would be over the budget if you're living somewhere expensive. Neither of you is right or wrong; but you may not be compatible.

You say 'better life', he clearly doesn't agree.

You sound completely incompatible.

Your DH has his family, friends and healthy hobbies in London. Pp are being ridiculous to say he values his football team over you: if it's his talent and his friendship network then that's a really healthy thing to insist on keeping. These are all totally justifiable preferences and don't make him selfish or unreasonable.

You have totally different values, and frankly i think you are quite unimaginative if you can't see how to achieve an outdoorsy lifestyle in London. As pp have said, more people cycle in London than in rural places. We have some of the best parks, I live next to a huge one. It sounds like you prefer a more isolated, unvarying humdrum life with fewer friends and just a garden and hiking for solace (even though you can hike from London and even have a small garden here). He doesn't want that life by the sound of it and neither would I, that's no compromise at all!

Yabu!

(I don't mean that living outside London is necessarily isolating but it is if you're leaving all your family and friends to go there!)

OP it sort of sounds as though you are dissatisfied with your income. Are there ways you can work on increasing it so you can afford more of what you like to do, and more independence?

What age are you both, out of curiosity.

His parents live in Sussex, and you want to move to Yorkshire? I'd be telling you to get lost too. You're going to be at least 5 hours' from his family.

OP, I know of someone in a very similar situation to you. Most of the advice the person who wants to move has received is to just move - this is their dream and the other person doesn’t share it. They aren’t compatible and ultimately when there is such a big difference compromise won’t please anyone.

Neither person is wrong- but forcing one person to make changes they don’t want to us wrong.

My advice: move to where you want to be and accept the relationship is over. Sometimes people are just incompatible and I think this is one issue which means compromise isn’t really a proper option.

I think you should move on. It's been four years, you aren't making any further steps toward marriage, he seems nice but a bit like more like a jolly lad rather than a grown-up man--go live your dream.

I'm a Londoner who left. Miss it every week, although where we live is beautiful and we have a lovely big house. I can get to London for the day/ a night out and that is vital. As I say to DH "You can take the girl out of London, but you can't take the London out of the girl".

he seems nice but a bit like more like a jolly lad rather than a grown-up man--go live your dream.

How did you come to this conclusion?

He seems like a sensible person who values family and friends over material posessions. Not wanting to move away from the life you have built doesn't make you any less of a grown up.

I was not expecting that when I opened the thread. I think it is very presumptuous for you to assume you know what is best and what is a better life. He likes his life, for him having a better life is about being near his family, his friends, his interests. He also met you there and it is no unreasonable that he thought you would continue to live there.

You are also not unreasonable to want to live somewhere else, but you are unreasonable and condescending to say he doesn’t want a better life.

Londoners are never very far from a green space, the countryside or the seaside. I've lived in London all my life and can get to the nearest coastal place (which is very nice), by car in an hour; there is plenty of surrounding countryside and some London towns and villages are quite 'rural' in their way. It's also easy to get up to town and the city for work and fun. I wouldn't live anywhere else.

However the problem is the cost of housing in the London area. It's so difficult now for people to get onto the housing ladder.

A young (31) chap of my acquaintance, who is a professional man, and his wife, bought a one bedroomed flat during lockdown - and they have a toddler! It was all they could afford. Obviously they won't be there forever but for now they are seriously cramped; they'll have to stay put for some time, work for both was seriously impacted by covid. However he is really pleased with his flat - it's his! He says it's the best thing they ever did. Prior to buying they rented for about £1,400 a month and their mortgage is less than that.

People seem to accept compromise with property now more than they did a few years back.

It all depends what you want. You can buy a bigger place for a lot less if you move away but you may not have such a good job or so much fun.

In your place, op, I'd stay put for now and enjoy your young life where you are but have some nice days out in the country and the odd weekend away when you can afford it. Another thing you could do - again depending on finances - is buy a small place in a countryside area that you like, furnish and let it some of the time through something like airb'n'b, so that it pays for itself. When it isn't let you can have house parties there :-), (or 'flat' parties, more likely).

YANBU because you have fundamental differences of personality - you want to experience the world, have already lived abroad, want to try different things, he wants to stay at home near his parents.

Thats actually very limiting in terms of job opportunities these days never mind the breadth of experience living in different places gives you. I barely know anyone who has done that - stayed in the same place all their lives. The only point in staying in London when you don't particularly like it is for a job so well paid you can't do it elsewhere surely.

Predictable replies calling you selfish for not behaving like a seventies style housewife. However, there are far more opportunities in life now for women than then and this man is doing nothing to give you incentives - no engagement, no wedding planned, so he just doesn't seem worth changing your life for. I think you're fundamentally incompatible and you might wake up one day and realise you've wasted your life on a bore with no sense of adventure and for what?

Would a compromise be renting somewhere else for a year or so and seeing how it goes? Then if it works out you've made a decision and if not it's time to go your separate ways.

I wouldn’t want to give up my family, friends and job so my partner can go on bike rides in a different location or live in a bigger house.
I live rurally so it’s the opposite situation but if my partner suggested we gave up our lives and community here to move to London so they could go to west end shows more often I would suggest they make that move without me.
Neither is wrong it’s just individual priorities.

I don't think you are compatible and you should have realised this earlier.

I had previously had me house on the market prior to meeting my DH, and I had taken it off to do some work on it before trying again. I made it clear to DH within the first few dates that my intentions were to sell and move further west, and that if this wasn't okay then he should say.

Treat this as a learning experience for future relationships.

OP is your idea of a "better life" really just about things like hiking and cycling? Because there's no reason you couldn't do all those outdoor activities in London - there are so many large green spaces outside the centre, and the proper countryside is only 30 minutes away by train. If you live in London surely you know this.

Obviously don't know what your budget is but it's definitely possible to get a house with a garden even if it's not massive - you might have to choose somewhere a bit further out or to an area you hadn't considered.

I originally assumed your "better life" would mean a bigger house and more material things, in which case you'd also be unreasonable as you don't seem to realise that your DP's idea of a better life is one with his family, friends and community.

I'm a Londoner and there is no man in the world who could have persuaded me to move to Yorkshire, or anywhere rural, or indeed anywhere that isn't a major city.

The bottom line that you describe a move out of London as ‘a better life’ but to your partner it would be a worse life
Neither of you are unreasonable to want a particular lifestyle, but you are fundamentally incompatible

It sounds like you define ‘better life’ as being able to buy more things/have better house/go out more. He defines ‘better life’ as being about people. Neither of you are right or wrong, but the fact that you say he doesn’t want a ‘better life’ is telling.

I think YABU TBH. Your DH is happy where he is! Yorkshire is a lovely county but it can also be freezing cold and wet in Winter! I grew up in London (now live on SC ,but usually have at least 2 or 3 trips up per yr ,and stay with my Cousin who lives there as well ) He has always lived there ,his family live nearby why would he move.London is amazing such a vibe ,shops Museums ,markets.to name but a few .You would be somewhere you dont know anyone

When you are talking about one of the reasons for staying with him being not wanting your household income to drop by half I’m not sure that you are with him for totally the right reasons.

You should examine your mutual life priorities on other issues. One obvious point of strain may be your approach to educating children. Do you have similar philosophies in terms of prioritizing school selection? What about arranging family life to facilitate homework? Will child activities take precedence over adult hobbies?

I wouldn’t stay with him if he just agrees to let you be in charge. You will end up with a relationship full of resentment on both sides that way. You are looking to see if you share the same values and approach to life.

Location is just choice. We made a decision to move to an area with cheaper houses and excellent schools. It really worked out well for us, but DH and I were always in agreement.

I think you are being hugely unreasonable.

Your DP grew up here and he's always lived here, so you must have met him in London. Did it not occur to you that he's never left London because he really likes it here?

What you want is a different life. It's not a better life. It's maybe not a worse life. It's just different.

You are being unreasonable to suggest he is unreasonable for not buying into your idea of a better life. It's a really judgemental way of phrasing it, too.

Reading through your posts, it doesn't actually sound like you hate London, just that you're frustrated with how much money you (don't) have. You want to do cultural things? There are ways to see shows for dirt cheap if you're a local. You like green spaces? Well, we have loads of them here.

If you actually like London and move, I don't think your problems are all going to vanish overnight. You'll have different problems, and possibly more of them.

Have you considered living in a different part of London and/or changing your job/career to maximise your earnings potential?

Which is your area of London OP? If his parents have already moved out to Sussex then is it siblings he is close to or just the football team?

Bottom line is if you were both each others first priority then you would find a compromise. If his priority is the football team and yours is the dales then you won't.

If you can't afford to buy in Sussex, how will you afford to buy in London? And how would Yorkshire be any better if you are both academics needing jobs where you are on site most days?

I think his reasons for wanting to stay a pretty valid tbh. And so are yours for wanting to leave. But if you can’t agree on this then maybe it’s just not meant to be. I don’t think it’s fair of you to expect him to uproot himself if he’s happy where he is.