To leave DP for not wanting to have a better life

[Creams0da]

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

Buying within an hour of where they live, and somewhere that's also suitable for commuting for our jobs, is out of the question, affordability wise. We both work in academic fields and required to be at work in person most days of the week, and often need to travel to various locations in and around the country.

How do you plan to commute to your jobs from Yorkshire? (I am assuming here that your jobs are in London)

I think you will find that the older you get, the more you will want to move North, but then you’ll be stuck.
If I were you I’d make the move and see what happens with your relationship.

Chichester is a university city. Brighton has a university, so does Bournemouth, Southampton, Portsmouth, Guildford. Loads of options.

As his parents are now in Sussex - have you considered Worthing? It's on the coast and 'on the up' but not quite up so the prices are reasonable, certainly compared to London.

Do you want a family together in the future?
Where do your family live, would this move involve living closer to your own parents/siblings?
He’s not being selfish he is being honest
Life is about compromise but also you only have one life.

I disagree that your decision is live there or leave him.

It's actually whether you choose to go further down the path with someone who has either been clear he doesnt want to move or he is someone who doesnt engage in a meaningful conversation, or leave home.

Either way, sounds like it's not working for you. Four years isnt the lifetime you might feel it is. No disrespect but you arent married or have kids so 4 years, 8 years or 1, you're no more committed.

That's really rude. People don't have to be married or have kids to be completely committed to each other.

I used to live in London, but had to move to buy a house.
Visited Mum with Dog and no way in heck could I afford to live where I was born and bred. :(
It’s a lovely area, but owning a horse in this area would be very expensive.
(Richmond Park a minute or two away)

@Creams0da
Bristol-Although much more expensive than it was in real terms.
Close to London via M4 and Rail, great countryside all around-
Multicultural- I like it despite missing SW London

@NoSquirrels

I don’t think it’s that selfish of him.

He’s never had the dream of moving to the countryside, away from London. He met OP living in London. He’s not promised her anything other than what she saw and fell in love with.

Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London

It’s interesting that you say the life we want - because what is that? The life he wants is to be near family and friends - that’s his priority. He doesn’t feel anything is missing…

I agree with this. He's not being selfish, it's just that what he wants is not compatible with what the OP wants.

I get why the OP wants to leave. I'm outdoorsy too, so I'd be like the OP, but that doesn't mean her DP is wrong.

My DH and I had to make a decision about whether to move back to London/SE England early in our relationship (I grew up in London). We decided against, and even though it has meant our careers took different paths, I have always been glad that we made the decision we did. If we hadn't been on the same page, it wouldn't have meant that one of us was right and the other wrong, just that we didn't want the same things from life.

This is the "curse" of growing up and living in London. You never want to move away! Thank gawd DH is also London born 'n' bred like me. We've got friends here who've lived and come from all over the world. We're the sophisticated, cosmopolitan Londoners but we've never lived anywhere else 😂

I don't think he's selfish, and I don't think you're selfish either, you just want different things. You have two choices, either one of you compromises or you separate and do your own thing. It is a crappy situation to be in, but it wouldn't make for a strong settled relationship of one of you always felt resentful because you'd settled for something you don't want.

@C8H10N4O2

C8H And how would Yorkshire be any better if you are both academics needing jobs where you are on site most days?

Um, York University, Leeds, Hull, Manchester, Liverpool, Salford, Durham off the top of my head. All commutable form parts of Yorkshire

Yes I'm aware there are universities in the north of England. The point is with two academic jobs to find unless they are fine with a sizeable daily commute they will likely end up living in Leeds anyway which may render the OP's desire for what sounds like life in the dales a bit moot.

Currently they both have academic jobs in one region. Shifting that scenario to a new region and finding a rural location which is easily commutable to both institutions is not likely to be easy.

There are loads of places you could live in Yorkshire with countryside on your doorstep and a moderate commute to 2 or more universities. Hell, I live in the Dales and could commute to at least 3 unis. And the edge of Sheffield is quite literally the peak district.

Thanks for answering the questions OP. I have to say that if you don’t intend to have kids then you have so much flexibility around travel, weekend trips etc that you shouldn’t find it hard to go on cycling trips away etc, long weekends up to Yorkshire (or even extended trips there with a bit of WF where we you are) and still live in London ie find a compromise that makes you both happy. Unless you are both earning minimum wage it can’t be impossible to find somewhere with a garden that is still close enough to work and his family.

If you’re really still keen on the idea of moving out of London you need to go on a trip together to Yorkshire or similar and see if you can open his eyes to what life there might be like. But to be honest at the ages you are and with no kids on the horizon I’d have thought that career would be the priority for both of you right now and that should be the driver for any decision?

@newbienel

Sorry that's a really tough situation to be in. It's also quite selfish of him, he needs to understand relationships are about compromise. Can you maybe buy or rent a little weekend flat or something in the country side? Then at least you get some time in the fresh air!

Wtf. How is it “selfish” of him not to give up family and friends to follow his girlfriend’s desire for a bigger house? At his current location he can help his parents with diy when they get old, they can see any grandkids, and babysit etc. It’s a lot to give up for a spare bedroom and posh kitchen. I think it’s the OP who’s being selfish (and kinda shallow).

But in general OP it sounds like your longterm aims aren’t the same. I know a couple who split up cos one wanted a longterm life in central London and the other wanted seni-rural. Your aims may just not be the same in which case it’s a question of whether you love the man more than the lifestyle you want. It’s perhaps telling that there’s no mention of love in your post.

OP - I'm outdoorsy, like you, and I totally get your view that the access to nature in London does not cut it. I would feel the same.

However, your DP doesn't feel this way, and won't be happy outside London.

So leave him. Part amicably and go your separate ways. Move up here, find an affordable home surrounded by amazing mountain biking and hills to wander on. If that's what will make you happy, it's worth it - you're only young once, and there are enough universities up here that you will be able to find work, and maybe find someone who shares your vision of the future.

I would not, could not, live in London. Yeah, there are parks etc., but statements like this: "Areas even in inner London with parks and commons and heaths don’t feel urban at all" are bollocks. I have crags and hills outside my front door, and believe me, they feel very different to parks in London.

And I say this as someone who grew up in London. I don't hate the place, not at all, but it's not where I wanted to spend my life.

Unfortunately it seems you want different things, I think if either of you compromised you'd end up resentful of the other. Personally I'd sadly end the relationship and move.

I don't live in London but from what I understand, and I know is the case with other Cities, is that there is often more opportunity to live a healthy lifestyle, visiting green spaces or rising a bike in a built up area than in the countryside . Most towns / cities have parks, green spaces, cycle lanes and footpaths making it easy for people to make exercise part of their day from their home . And if they have children, they too can get on the bikes and independently ride off to see their friends . Whereas in countryside villages I occasionally see mums pushing children in a buggy down a narrow country lane (and I cringe for their safety) but mainly the lack of decent footpaths and the relative distance of home/shop/school etc means that people are reliant on driving everywhere rather than moving around on foot . And if you want to get out to 'proper countryside' on the weekend it's rarely more than an hour's journey to do this.

You met him in London so he is hardly miss selling himself.
Honestly just look on the outskirts of London you can get to hiking and biking areas all around the edge of London. If you are not planning children you don't have to think of good school area s so should find some cheeper pockets to buy in.
Yorkshire is probably just to far and could be completely isolating without any links to the area .
I'm saying this as someone who married a native Londoner and have moved out to a rural area. But we are an hour to central London so in all honesty we get best of both worlds.
Just look closer to London and you both compromise

I understand the part about not wanting to uproot his life, totally, having done it myself.

I moved away from my home town. I thought about it and chose to do it for a better life. It happened partly how I thought it would and partly not.

I lost touch with almost everyone and those I did stay in touch with, the relationship changed. I expected this. Moving 40 miles away I may as well have moved to the moon. Just over an hour drive to visit meant it was too tiring for anything less than a day trip. That doesn't work when your relationships are based on shared hobbies, lunches, nights out and popping in for a cup of tea. Those who did stay in touch, I felt distant from them because I didn't know the day to day trials and tribulations of their lives, any good news I heard as a public announcement on Facebook not as an excited personal chat when we met. But I'd expected this and chose to move away anyway.

The cost of living was cheaper where I moved to and the pace of life a little slower, which I appreciated.

But. Things like footpaths and the countryside in general was a disappointment. Often paths aren't maintained, tracks are blocked or overgrown and not cleared. Public transport is shite and a car is an absolute essential unless you work within walking distance of your home or WFH. This I had not expected. It turned out that as far as outdoors life went, I was better off with big city parks than proper countryside. I'd expected public transport in a small town to be less frequent than a big city, but I'd also expected it to be usable to get to the next town or the one after that for work. I hadn't expected eg busses to stop running at 6pm or return fares to another town to cost almost an hour's wages. So I had a cheaper cost of living overall but trouble finding a suitable job I could easily get to and the stress of knowing that if the car broke down I was screwed. Time off work so less wages but repairs needed so more expenses. Not a good situation.

So I did what I needed to do at the time and I don't regret it, but overall it was swapping one set of problems for another. If he's happy with his life moving up north and starting again would be a massive upheaval that would probably cause unhappiness.

I don't think you should stay with him just if you're thinking if having children either and are worried you won't meet anyone else. It would be cruel and selfish to have children with someone who you know is wrong for you because they don't share your dreams, only for you to break up the family a few years down the line when your motherhood urge is satisfied, so you can follow your heart to live elsewhere.

Things like footpaths and the countryside in general was a disappointment. Often paths aren't maintained, tracks are blocked or overgrown and not cleared.

People often say this about 'the countryside' but it's not universally true.

This might well be the case in rural areas which don't attract hiking tourism (which I understand is what a lot of the rural areas down south are like), but it definitely isn't the case in national parks (which is what Yorkshire has - the Dales, the Moors and the Peak).

If the OP moved to, for example, the Ilkley/Otley area in order to work in Leeds, she'd be surrounded by accessible hiking trails.

Where I live, the money from hiking tourism is a big enough part of our local economy that it gets invested in. In rural areas that are essentially London (or other big city) commuter belt, there isn't the same incentive to invest.

I've had a similar experience to @BlueSummerBaby
I moved to the Alps because of my love of the outdoors.
And I do love being in the mountains and being able to go hiking and cross-country skiing and living in a beautiful place BUT it hasn't really turned out the way I thought it would.
Everyday life is a bit crap - from the point of view of work opportunities, friendships and doing some of the other hobbies I have. I had to learn to drive here and then run a car which is expensive. I have to drive an hour into a nearby city for the sort of life I had before and because I live fucking miles away from friends in the city they don't include me in the day to day meet-ups for coffee etc so I feel lonely. I now can't afford to move from where I live to somewhere nearer the city.

And as for the outdoor stuff - yeah it's way better than when I was living in the UK but I used to come on holiday here 6 or 7 times a year and I reckon that I probably don't do any more hiking than I did when I lived in the UK and came here on holiday.
Everyday life gets in the way - you still have to work, clean the house and all that shit and when you do have a couple of days off the weather is inevitably shit. The ski season is very short and actually the snow is just a pain in the ass when you're trying to get to work/see friends/whatever. And in the summer it's pissing wet or boiling hot and then it's overrun with tourists anyway.

So that was my moan.... I do still have great times here! But it hasn't turned out how I thought. And I think you might find similar and then you've given up a great relationship for it and moved away from friends or you've persuaded DP to leave his friends and family and hobbies for your pipe dream and then both of you are sat inside in the pissing rain with nowt to do and during the week the sun's shining and you want to be on your bike but you've got to work.

Anyway, all of this is a moot point. He's not going to move and he's told you that clearly. So now it's your decision what to do with that information.

Having friends and family nearby is so key for affording life these days, support with childcare and emergencies etc! And if all your friends are in London too surely you’d be lonely in a random small town in the UK? Could you not move slightly further out but still very near London as a compromise? I don’t think anyone is being selfish, just different life visions and that’s ok!

Quite the dilemma then.
I’m sure most relationships last either through compromise or more likely one gives in to the other.

So you're saying, "I know you're happy with your life, your pastimes, your hometown, your family - your life, in short. But in order to keep me, you have to give up all that. You have to be someone else, who wants different things."

And he's saying, "I don't think I'm prepared to, thanks."

....and there are people here calling him selfish.