Page 5 | To leave DP for not wanting to have a better life

Timmytoo · 27/03/2022 13:15

Would he consider moving to Newbury? Under an hour to London, beautiful quaint market town with a gorgeous canal and narrow boats, lovely pubs in and around the area and nice shops. It offers both country/town living. Cheaper than London and people are very friendly and family orientated. I lived there for a few years but moved back to SA due to family and the weather. But I do miss it terribly and would be the place that I would move to if I ever decided to move back to the UK. This way it's a winner for both of you.

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2022 13:17

Where do you work and what is your budget? You have lots of people who live in and around who may be able to help you find what you need

Goldfishmountainclimber · 27/03/2022 13:18

Could you buy a flat in Sussex within an hour of his parents? Most couples can’t buy a house straight off. You could get on the property ladder and work your way towards the house and garden?

Summerfun54321 · 27/03/2022 13:21

What you’re describing is the dilemma that pretty much everyone who lives in a big city things about. Most of us don’t consider leaving our other half’s over it though and most of us manage to have the conversation and make a decision and a compromise. The issue isn’t his decision, the issue is why you’re considering leaving your DP over it.

Suprima · 27/03/2022 13:21

@Creams0da

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

DP, 4 years, no ring.

Clearly cares about his football team more than you having a shared life together.

He doesn’t want to do the house and big move with you. You are Miss right now, not Miss right.

This relationship isn’t great- it’s cosy for him and you are convenient.

Don’t waste another month

TabithaHazel · 27/03/2022 13:22

That sounds like a tough decision, but I voted YABU as you met him in London where he had an already established life and still decided to let the relationship develop - unless he told you early on in the relationship that he was willing to move to Yorkshire with you and has been stringing you along? Lots of people are really happy with a simple life in a familiar place and that sounds like what your boyfriend has.

Midlifemusings · 27/03/2022 13:23

If he loves trail and tour cycling and hiking, he must have been able to enjoy that hobby from London. There are many people who live in cities who still enjoy outdoorsy activities and do them.

Original poster

Creams0da · 27/03/2022 13:24

@flowerypillowcase

I left London a couple of years ago with my husband and two kids for the reasons you want to and I am miserable.

I miss my friends and my family and all the silly things like the Turkish grocers and Jewish bakeries and Caribbean takeaways and the tube and the museums and being able to walk to places. I want my dad to be able to pick my sons up from school sometimes, I want to know my way around and to do things at short notice with my kids or my friends. Being part of WhatsApp chats where they just say who wants to go for a drink on the Southbank because it's sunny or 'oh the postal museum has a new thing the kids would like in half term' just break my heart.

We were able to buy a big house in lovely seaside town and have lots of other 'better quality of life' type things but it's not the same. It's just not. We couldn't ever afford to buy in London either and our mortgage here is under half what our rent was but I would go back to a £2k tiny rented flat in a second. I really would. And we're much closer to London than Yorkshire.

If he doesn't want to go he just doesn't.

Thanks for this. I'm very conscious of the grass is greener problem. Quite a few people I know have left London in the past couple of years for the same reasons and all of them have found it very hard to adjust. Not sure if this is also partly down to the pandemic too, with people not being able to get out and make new friends etc as easily? Hope things start getting better for you eventually.

But I get it, I do. I cycled to Battersea Park last weekend to meet a friend. It was a beautiful day, and it struck me how nice it was to see so many totally different people out and about, all enjoying the city. It just had an energy to it that you don't get elsewhere. But we hardly ever go to the theatre or go out for dinner etc and enjoy much of the cultural stuff here anyway because we can't afford to.

OP posts:

TabithaHazel · 27/03/2022 13:25

@Creams0da

I'm not set 100% on Yorkshire, I'd just like to live somewhere that owning a 2 bedroom home with a garden might be achievable, and there's the option to get out into the countryside for challenging hikes and bike rides very regularly. (DP would like this also). We literally want for nothing but fresh air and nature!

What is your house budget - maybe someone could suggest some locations that would be a good compromise still close enough to his parents, and his football team, but more countryside-ish?

Summerfun54321 · 27/03/2022 13:25

You are allowed to break up for any reason you want. You are allowed to search for a guy to spend your whole life with who wants to be in the same location as you. Just because you’ve been together 4 years doesn’t mean you need to settle or compromise.

Mayorquimby2 · 27/03/2022 13:25

Recommending that someone but a holiday home in response to a poster being unable to afford to buy a suitable home in their current location as the first reply might be peak mumsnet

TheNameOfTheRoses · 27/03/2022 13:29

My experience there

I moved in with DH after spending many years travelling. I actually met him BECAUSE I was travelling with work (work sent me to where he worked).
I stayed because I loved him and wanted to build a life with him. I hadn’t chosen ‘where’ I would be living iyswim. And where I am doesn’t have all the things that really make me tick (all around the sea). Yes I can do a bit of it just like you can go walking etc… from London but Obviously it can’t be a weekly occurence.
20+ years on and I am still longing for the sea and all the activities associated with it.

Is it worth it? I’d say it’s only worth it if you REALLY have a good relationship that is worth the sacrifice.
Is it just about lifestyle and really you should be able to adapt? You know as long as you are happy etc… Yes that’s true. I found that at the beginning, the balance was clearly that way. And then we had children so they took all the space and were geared towards that.
But now that the dcs have left home? Now I see the gaps. Now I miss all those ‘lifestyle stuff’ more than ever. It’s hard. Very hard. And yes there are times when I wonder if I made the right choice tbh.

Of course, the reverse is also true and your DP is very much within his rights to say he wants to stay in London.

What is interesting though is that he has no issue with stating that this what he wants. He expects you to stay with him (just like my dh did btw).
On the other side, you don’t feel like you can state as loudly and expect him to move with you. You felt you needed to start a thread about it. You are wondering if you are not throwing something good away etc…. And THAT is more of an issue than anything else imo. Because you are more likely to ‘settle’ because who would throw away a good Relationship etc… or maybe because women are supposed to fall in line with that their male partner decides when there is a conflict of interest there…..

RealRaymondReddington · 27/03/2022 13:30

It seems like for him Yorkshire wouldn't be a better life. I love living in the country, but it's not for everyone.

LairyMcClairy · 27/03/2022 13:30

You’re both being inflexible if the only options are London or Yorkshire but since you met in London there’s no reason whatsoever that he should move if he doesn’t actually want to.
London life would be way more appealing to me than country living and I also like football and being around good friends so I can totally see where he’s coming from.

Neither of you are selfish or in the wrong- you just have different needs and wants for your lives which aren’t compatible.

handslikecowstits · 27/03/2022 13:32

I think the key to this is for you, OP to think about your relationship as a whole. If everything in your relationship apart from where you live is good, really good then I think you are the one who will have to compromise somewhat on where the two of you live.

If however, there are other issues within the relationship and from the tone of your OP, it sounds like there might be, then you need to make some hard decisions about going it alone.

Midlifemusings · 27/03/2022 13:32

Your view that it would be a better life (without family, friends, or hobbies) is probably offputting for him. It would be a different life but not necessarily better.

I would be put off if my spouse talked about how much better our lives would be if we moved away from the people and activities I loved.

Simonjt · 27/03/2022 13:35

@newbienel

Sorry that's a really tough situation to be in. It's also quite selfish of him, he needs to understand relationships are about compromise. Can you maybe buy or rent a little weekend flat or something in the country side? Then at least you get some time in the fresh air!

If they can’t afford a home in London, how do you suppose they will afford both a home in London and a holiday home?

OP, I’m the OH in your situation, I made it very clear to my now husband early on that my life was in London, if he hadn’t also wanted to remain in London it wouldn’t have gone beyond those first dates as that would be a huge issue which would have left one of us unhappy.

StCharlotte · 27/03/2022 13:37

@LuckySantangelo

Yes she would and besides it was clear to see.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 27/03/2022 13:38

@Creams0da tbh I think most people living in London can’t afford the go to the theatre etc…. either.
It’s the day to day stuff that makes the difference. If it was just about the theatre, you could still go to London for that twice a year and enjoy it just as much. I mean it’s only about 2 hours by train from York.

But the vibe, the energy, the multi cultural aspect of life (if you are travelled quite a bit, that’s going to be something important for you). All that is the stuff you see day in and day out.
Being able to go walking , the countryside etc… will only be that important if it’s an essential part of your life.

Before moving in with DH, my life was about the sea. All my weekends, all my hols, and most of my evenings/friendships were around that.
So yes I’m missing that a hell of a lot.

So what about you? Are you dreaming of the countryside, a certain way if life? Does it feel it’s something important deep down to your bones?
Or are you hoping to have ‘achieved at life’ with a big ish house, a garden etc…. by moving to the countryside?

Iwonder08 · 27/03/2022 13:38

There is no way I would leave London for anyone and most certainly wouldn't move to Yorkshire. If that's important for you do t drag it.. Move alone.

Bringinglightandpeace · 27/03/2022 13:41

If this was about a woman wanting to be be near her family, good job, built great social networks and her boyfriend was telling her to live somewhere where she would lose access to all of that- most of you on here would be saying to LTB.

I don't think he is being selfish. Everyone is different, some people would rather live a seldom life than move to an area where leave their friends and family and live it up! Life is not about the material aspects (I.e. house, lifestyle, jobs) but life is about the people you share it with.

I think you both need to compromise if you want this relationship to work. How far did you say you wanted to live? Can you live in an area where it's outside of London or just on the border and access to fabulous transport links which can take you to a London in a short space of time?

KosherDill · 27/03/2022 13:44

@NoSquirrels

I don’t think it’s that selfish of him.

He’s never had the dream of moving to the countryside, away from London. He met OP living in London. He’s not promised her anything other than what she saw and fell in love with.

Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London

It’s interesting that you say the life we want - because what is that? The life he wants is to be near family and friends - that’s his priority. He doesn’t feel anything is missing…

Agree. He's being honest.

downtonupton · 27/03/2022 13:46

I'm a Londonder - moved to pretty Cotswold town for a better quality of life and because DH didn't believe you could bring children up in London. That they needed countryside and community.

we were both miserable - small town mentality (found it very misogynist racist and old fashioned). I hated not being near friends and family, museums, theatre etc. I hated not being able to buy garlic and coriander from the corner shop. I hated the poor range of food options and didnt want my children growing up there.

We moved back to London - a different part of London, right on the very edge of London - but it is London and we're happy. The amount of green around is is great - we have a country park and it is not far to proper countryside. But we're 10 mins away from central London with all that has to offer and close to the countryside and south Coast. We also have an amazing local community.

We were very lucky to be able to come back - we sold our Cotswold house and I inherited a very small amount but it was enough to get a small house in out little corner of London... I will never leave London again - so many more opportunities for the kids here.

I understand your reluctance to stay but also his to leave. I suspect if DH hadn't been willing to come back to London, I would have ended up coming back without him - the only time I have ever been depressed is when we lived there.

There are corners of London you might be able to afford that can give you what you both want. Countryside nearby but also close enough to family and football.

South East London Kent borders may be worth a look - but have no idea where your DPs life is and what your budget is.

AllPaws4 · 27/03/2022 13:47

Where are your family and are you close to them? Do they figure in your plans at all?
Also, as others have suggested, consider your relationship as a whole. Aside from your current housing arrangements, how is your life? Do you feel like you are an important part of his life and are you a priority so that his football, family and friends slot in but don’t overwhelm your relationship.
In future, if you have children, that could leave you feeling quite lonely in the relationship, irrespective of where you live if all that is actually more important than you and your new family.
It’s not clear whether you are bothered about the cultural aspects of being in London or whether the lack of disposable income means you can’t access things you’d like to see.

Haz1234 · 27/03/2022 13:52

My husband is from east London and would find it very difficult to move away too far. I’m originally a northerner so we have compromised and moved to a village in Essex to give us the best of both. Would be be interested in that at least? If not, he has prioritised himself here