To leave DP for not wanting to have a better life

[Creams0da]

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

If you don’t think he will change his mind in the future, then the chances of you living in somewhere affordable to have a garden etc are zero.

The chances of meeting someone else are definitely more than zero.

A bigger house and a garden can't trump friends and family, surely? I understand the desire to have a more affordable life, but I'd wager that can be achieved within a reasonable distance from where you are. Alternatively, you live in a flat and travel out to the countryside and nature regularly. That's not as hard as it seems in London, maybe you just need to move to outer London to make that more achievable? Ideally, this is something that really should have been discussed early on in your relationship, have you been under the assumption he would change his mind about moving? Or do you still think he might change his mind? That's a bit nieve imo, it would be quite an ask for him to uproot his entire life to a place where he doesn't know anyone, he may end up resenting you massively. On balance, I think you'd be making a mistake to move, with or without him. You're in a relationship where you're happy, you don't know if you'd be happier elsewhere.

It doesn't really sound as if you are compatible. I'd be resentful that he won't even discuss it, he has made up his mind and that's it - his life is sorted, no compromise on your life.
It all sounds a bit dull too. I wouldn't want a man who wasn't prepared to expand his horizons a bit.
When I got divorced from my second husband who was much the same as this I moved myself to Somerset, bought a house in a very rural area and now I'm having a great life.
You don't have to have a man by your side to fulfil your dreams. You can do it alone and I'm sure you'll meet someone else.
Better than a life of going nowhere and being secondary to everything else in your partner's life.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable at all. His family and friends are really important to him- this is entirely normal and understandable! Moving many hours away to get a bigger house/garden/ access to more outdoor activities is very unlikely to come anywhere close to providing the same happiness he gets from those relationships. Why is him not wanting to follow you an indication he isn’t committed, but you not being willing to stay not the same thing? It’s fine if you want something different, you will hopefully down the line meet someone who wants the same things- but don’t force that on this guy, or blame him for having the sense to appreciate what he’s got.

I'm in his shoes. DP would love us to move to his native Yorkshire with DS.

It will never happen. He is welcome to leave and go back if that means so much to him.

@Anniefrenchfry

We both love trail and tour cycling and hiking, and would love to have a garden, which are all (to me) quite basic pleasures in life. Neither of us are into material things. But none of these things are really possible if we stay in London forever

But he loves having his family and friends and hobbies close by more. I have no comprehension why you think he can’t do trail or tour cycling and hiking when he lives in London, he can easily travel a short distance and do those things. All he will be missing is a garden. Which isn’t really worth giving everything you love and know up for.

Agree.

You're writing like your idea of a better life also has to be his. Maybe it's your turn to compromise. Otherwise, you can end the relationship and move away from London.

@Iwouldlikesomecake

I’m a Londoner and I love the countryside but I wouldn’t have a better quality of life moving up north away from my job and friends and family, things and places I love.

I would be bored and isolated.

My sister lives up north and so does my best friend. I don’t want to live where they live. Even if it would give me a massive house in lieu of my 2 bed flat.

I agree with this. As parents get older, then distance becomes a very big issue. I used to live a three and a half to four hour drive from my parents and it was really tough as their health deteriorated, it also meant that my sibling who lived closer was called on more often to help in a crisis which wasn’t fair. We moved closer to both sets of our parents and it was much better. I also got much more time with my parents while they were still around, and my dc knew them better than they would have done. I think your husband has his priorities straight, surely close family and friendships are the most important thing ?

Depending on which side of London you currently live, surely it would be possible to move out of London a little bit further and still have contact with all his family and friends, AND be able to get a house with a garden? Not Yorkshire, no. But there are other places!

I don't think you can underestimate the value of roots, and having family around for support etc, especially if they are close and supportive! Do you get on with them?

I made a decision to go with DH back to Australia, leaving my family, friends, roots and support system behind in the UK. I have made friends here, and his mother is helpful, but it's not the same. I still don't think of Australia as home, even though I've been here more than a decade now. So I'm probably quite biased on your DP's side! But I also know what it's like to lose that set up.

Compromise should be possible - but whether it's achievable, I don't know, without knowing more about the area you're in.

It's also quite selfish of him, he needs to understand relationships are about compromise

Is giving up everything you enjoy in your life and moving hundreds of miles away compromise? How is OP compromising?

He wants something different- I don't see him as selfish or as putting his football team before you - he's happy. He has strong roots where he is.

He isn't selfish at all, just because he is happy with where he is - where he met you - and doesn't want to move.

It does have shades of 'if you really loved me, you would do this' - which, depending on the context, can be thoroughly reasonable ("you would do your fair share of housework") or controlling ("you would give up your own life, friends, family, background and all that you enjoy in order to follow MY dream").

Has he repeatedly expressed a strong desire to move, the same as you; or is it just something that you have always wanted and you just assumed that he would be happy as always to 'compromise' (not that it's really a true compromise)?

I think the nubs of this is that if he meant everything to you, you would live in a caravan in timbuktu to be with him. If you stay in London it sounds as if you will be settling and that isn't a formula for a long term happy relationship.

Being near family is so important - more so than having a bigger house

Sorry but you’re hugely unreasonable if you want to go to Yorkshire. I mean, it’s significantly further away. He’s explained that he would like to be near London, so you’ll have to compromise and consider some of the areas half way between London and Yorkshire if you want to stay together

Ultimately if Yorkshire is your goal then it would be for the best for you both to split as one of you will always be resentful of the other regardless of where you stay

It's also quite selfish of him, he needs to understand relationships are about compromise

Is giving up everything you enjoy in your life and moving hundreds of miles away compromise? How is OP compromising?

Exactly. I know it's not quite the same thing, but what if he developed a yearning desire to do something that involved a big change to your life together? If he wanted to become polyamorous and said that 'if you loved him, you'd be willing to compromise and sometimes sleep with other women'? If he set his heart on giving up a 'settled' existence and 'if you loved him, you would be willing to compromise and buy a camper van to become your permanent home'?

If you're not compatible, then the choice is made for you; but I'd expect him to be very hurt when you leave him, just because he wants to keep the (apparently nice) lifestyle that you both already have and you want to change.

You seem to have completely neglected to take into account his quality of life includes having his friends and family and hobbies being nearby. That’s what gives him quality of life.

This is a good point. It’s not about being “selfish” or not; different things are important to the two of you. The question is whether you can compromise. Rather than “London” or “Yorkshire” could you look at Home Counties? Could you stay in London but plan more weekends away? Etc etc. Ultimately if it’s a deal breaker for you, then yes - leave - because you will be unhappy. But that should also tell you he’s not really the one for you; I do agree with @RosesAndHellebores that if you really loved him, you’d manage to compromise on some other things to do it.

There are tons of more rural places within an hour of London, I don't know if any would be an acceptable compromise? I know it would be still much more expensive than somewhere like Yorkshire but it would give you something closer to the lifestyle you want and the location he wants?

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh

This is what you need to do. Theres nothing wrong with the life he wants. Its just not what you want.

If you stay, you'll only be resentful in the years to come. if he really was the one for you you wouldn't be that fussed about where he lives.

The past couple of years have reiterated to me how glad I am that I live pretty near my siblings and DCs. I cant imagine moving miles away, just me and DP.

I read all the time on here about people who have done just that and are unsettled and unhappy, complaining they've no outlet beyond their partner. Miles away from friends and family, raising children who barely know their relatives due to distance. & for what, really?

DP lives 15 minutes down the road. He likes outdoor activities. Wild horses couldn't drag me. So he goes off at times with friends, being in London doesnt mean you cant get away elsewhere.

Follow your heart

@Creams0da

I'm not set 100% on Yorkshire, I'd just like to live somewhere that owning a 2 bedroom home with a garden might be achievable, and there's the option to get out into the countryside for challenging hikes and bike rides very regularly. (DP would like this also). We literally want for nothing but fresh air and nature!

Is that affordable if you were to stay near London but not in it?

@JoanOgden

There are lots of possible compromise options here. Surely you could find somewhere to live within an hour of his family where you could have a garden and easy access to the countryside? I'm sure MNers could make some helpful suggestions if you gave a rough idea of area.

His parents now live in Sussex, in what's now one of the most expensive areas in the country. (They're not wealthy, but inherited his nan's modest, but now phenomenally valued, house where she'd lived for 40 odd years, and they decided to move there). Buying within an hour of where they live, and somewhere that's also suitable for commuting for our jobs, is out of the question, affordability wise. We both work in academic fields and required to be at work in person most days of the week, and often need to travel to various locations in and around the country.

You need to see if you can find a compromise that suits you both. Maybe you could move out of London, but not so far as Yorkshire e.g. Essex or Kent?

OP,

The out doorsy life can be achieved when living in a city with a bit of planning.

But you really need to be honest with yourself, just as he has.

Much as he enjoys the same things as you, living very close to his family and his team, of ten years, is not something that he feels would be replaced by a garden and a nicer flat.

I think it's good that he knows this.
Nothing worse than moving away and bitterly regretting it.

I live in a very urban setting and much as I enjoy a country walk or at the beach, there is not a chance I would swap it and neither would my children.
I adore the convience of where we live.

Moving away and starting somewhere new is not for everyone.

Hence people weigh up the pros and cons and suck up the compromises of space for the convience of the familiar.

This is deal breaker stuff in relationships.

You are wasting time by hoping the price of houses will swing him your way.
Far better to lay everything on the table, look realistically at your options, see if there is a middle ground and if not, accept it.

I have met my fair share of women who could countenance moving more than 10 minutes from their family's and certainly wouldn't have stayed in a relationship if their partner hadn't accepted that as a deal breaker.

I think it's a bit strange but different strokes and all that.

I wouldn't be one bit surprised if his 10 year commitment to a team is his deal breaker.

@RosesAndHellebores

I think the nubs of this is that if he meant everything to you, you would live in a caravan in timbuktu to be with him. If you stay in London it sounds as if you will be settling and that isn't a formula for a long term happy relationship.

I hope the OP doesn't feel like this! I think "If you loved me, you would walk over hot coals for me" is a really unhealthy dynamic . There are a lot of things I just wouldn't do for my DH regardless of my love for him - wash his sweaty jogging kit, give up my job - because they cross my personal boundaries. One of these things, btw, is live very close to my PILs. I like and respect them, but a 2-3 hour distance is perfect to ensure we give each other space.

OP, only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. Personally it would be for me because part of being in a relationship and having your own family is building your own independent family life together. I would resent being expected to slot into someone else's life around Sunday lunch with his parents and going out with his friends every week.

I think make the move to your idyllic place on your own with the aim of a restart as a single person.
Youll be able to tell if the relationship still has any legs as you’ll either drift apart or he’ll visit a lot, enjoy all the outdoor activities and eventually move with you.

Im a bit shocked that you say you're happy in your relationship but just fancy living somewhere else and on that basis are considering chucking it away.

Surely you can get out and about at weekends to rural places? Wouldn't you miss having a good social & support network nearby especially if you have children?

I left London a couple of years ago with my husband and two kids for the reasons you want to and I am miserable.

I miss my friends and my family and all the silly things like the Turkish grocers and Jewish bakeries and Caribbean takeaways and the tube and the museums and being able to walk to places. I want my dad to be able to pick my sons up from school sometimes, I want to know my way around and to do things at short notice with my kids or my friends. Being part of WhatsApp chats where they just say who wants to go for a drink on the Southbank because it's sunny or 'oh the postal museum has a new thing the kids would like in half term' just break my heart.

We were able to buy a big house in lovely seaside town and have lots of other 'better quality of life' type things but it's not the same. It's just not. We couldn't ever afford to buy in London either and our mortgage here is under half what our rent was but I would go back to a £2k tiny rented flat in a second. I really would. And we're much closer to London than Yorkshire.

If he doesn't want to go he just doesn't.