To leave DP for not wanting to have a better life

[Creams0da]

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

@SucculentChalice

And a man will move mountains to be with you if he is genuinely in love. People move continents to be with each other. He is objecting about a 4 hour car journey to visit his parents. Its not as if its for work, for him its for life. Imagine if you worked hard in London and then wanted to buy a second home in France or maybe retire there? He'd never manage that, and thats a thing countless people do.

C8H And how would Yorkshire be any better if you are both academics needing jobs where you are on site most days?

Um, York University, Leeds, Hull, Manchester, Liverpool, Salford, Durham off the top of my head. All commutable form parts of Yorkshire.

Is he an academic? Staying in one place will be very limiting for his career in most fields, especially if he doesn't have tenure yet.

Have you tried getting an academic job lately, they are like hens teeth with hundreds of applicants for each job. If the OP and her boyfriend have stable academic jobs it would be quite unwise to leave them in today's employment climate unless they have both secured another one.

Also why does the boyfriend have to move anything to be with the OP, they are already together!

Where I live, the money from hiking tourism is a big enough part of our local economy that it gets invested in. In rural areas that are essentially London (or other big city) commuter belt, there isn't the same incentive to invest.

I live just outside London in an area that is not at all touristy but is surrounded by common land. We have literally hundreds of walking trails. I thought I knew them all as we'd lived here for 15 years and I walk a lot. But in lockdown we kept discovering new ones. It is possible to have the best of both worlds and to live on the outskirts of London, have access to loads of outdoor space but still be in reach of city life.

There are loads of places you could live in Yorkshire with countryside on your doorstep and a moderate commute to 2 or more universities. Hell, I live in the Dales and could commute to at least 3 unis. And the edge of Sheffield is quite literally the peak district

Its not about whether Yorkshire has access to universities. Its about moving two academic jobs from one location to another location together.

The likelihood of any set of 2 or 3 institutions having both the right specialisms to cater for both of them and the right vacancies at the same time is pretty slim. Academic jobs, especially if tenured are in short supply. Its not a slight on Yorkshire to suggest this is not particularly easy and that it would be harder where the choice within commuting distance is 2, 3 or even 4.

TabithaHazel Have you tried getting an academic job lately, they are like hens teeth with hundreds of applicants for each job. If the OP and her boyfriend have stable academic jobs it would be quite unwise to leave them in today's employment climate unless they have both secured another one.

The OP didn't mention whether the boyfriend had tenure or a regular contract. But I would have thought there would be slightly less competition outwith London. Most people in my field move around the various EU countries, Switzerland, Australia and the US!

Also why does the boyfriend have to move anything to be with the OP, they are already together!

Well, I posted that statement as a rejoinder to the constant refrain on mumsnet of late that women should run around after men, keeping them satisfied. I did also say that I don't think the OP and her boyfriend are compatible on fundamental life goals. The OP moved to London after living overseas and sounds as though she has a more open attitude in general to relocation, but relocation itself is really quite a normal thing to do and many, if not most, people do it. Especially in academia.

There is LOADS of good sporty and outdoorsy stuff under an hour away from London.

….relocation itself is really quite a normal thing to do and many, if not most, people do it.

I’d like to see the stats supporting ‘most’. Broken down by region. Because I bet most Londoners don’t