.. To Want To Do Something For/With My Grandchild

[JennieLee]

For various reasons - distance, Covid, daughter and son in law's jobs - till now my husband and I have always gone to see them, since our grand-daughter was born. GD is now getting on for two and for the first time the three of them visited us last weekend. We were pleased and excited.

What we found unexpected though was not being able to provide anything for our grand-daughter while she was there. Daughter and son in law had brought absolutely everything with them.

The cot we'd bought down and bedding aren't right. GD (granddaughter) is used to a different sort of cot and bedding. They'd come with their own travelcot and sleeping bag. (If they'd said that in advance, we'd not have got all the stuff down from the attic.)

The wide range of food we had was not suitable for her. (No allergies and GD is not a fussy eater) My daughter hd brought a huge variety of pouches and sachets containing various infant snacks and purees and baby cereal and fed her from these - usually just before a family meal, so she'd not be hungry for anything more.

Similarly we'd got in a DVD featuring a favourite cartoon character of hers and a picture book again about a creature my grand daughter likes. Also a simple toy for when we've been in the garden. But suggestions of reading the story, playing the DVD instead haven't found favour. Instead my daughter and son in law had downloaded some cartoons on a tablet, which can go on a stand. They've put this on a lot.

I should say that my daughter is actually very appreciative of me and her father in a lot of ways. She's said that she feels we were good parents and wants us to be involved with her daughter. We are in very regular contact - much more regular than before GD was born. . While our house is probably not quite as immaculate as hers, she know that we have a good grasp of food hygiene and that it's safe to eat with us. (She and her husband are happy to eat whatever we prepare.) She has encouraged us to move to the city where she lives, when we retire, saying it would be lovely to see us more often.

It was good to see all three of them.

But I was just conscious of a feeling of frustration about not being able to do much with/for our grand-daughter.

I do get that some routine, doing anything that will make it easy for a small child to settle in a strange place - for instance bringing one or two special familiar objects etc are important.

But it's was if my daughter and her husband felt the need to import absolutely everything, - so in that way our grand daughter - had a more limited experience of being with us than I had expected.

I'm left wondering how much of this is a generation gap thing? Is this just what a lot of parents do now?

If I was visiting a house where my child had never been, I would bring everything because I wouldn't know what they had there. Did you tell her in advance that you had a cot, for example? If not, I can understand why she brought one along as the child will be somewhere to sleep.

However it does seem weird that they wouldn't let her eat food or play with the toy you got for her. If you're close to your daughter could you bring it up? Like ask if you should return the DVD or will she watch it next time, something like that.

It does sound like you disagree with her parenting in various ways so maybe this is her way of keeping it on her terms.

You sound like lovely grand parents, your daughter and granddaughter are very lucky.
I would do the very same with my young children, I would bring everything they need and not leave anything to chance.
Sometimes, it could stem from a single incident of being away from her regular home and baby being very unsettled that they swore to never leave anything to chance again.
Yes routine keeps lots of babies and children happy.
Don't take it personally, am sure it was only like this to insure things went well, nobody wants a baby overtures and cranky from lack of routine.
Why not concentrate on pushing granddaughter in her stroller while out for a walk, going to feed the ducks while she sits on your lap or a trip to the park or local farm to see the animals? These are all wonderful things you can do for your granddaughter.
Next time, before a visit, if you really want to buy her something just ring your daughter and tell her you are heading to the shops and to give you lists of foods and brands that gd eats and get them in

I did say we had a cot, so she knew there would be somewhere for our grandchild to sleep. I think she just wasn't clear in advance that she reckoned it wouldn't be suitable.

I think she and her partner are caring attentive parents - and we've told them so! But perhaps my husband and I do regard them as perhaps a bit 'helicopter-ish'' - which may not be untypical with first babies. I have thought sometimes that perhaps the two of them if the two of them were a little less attentive - e.g. not carrying on with spoonfeeding - that might have some benefits.

If she's nearly two, she was a lockdown baby I presume? Born around the first wave, and then your daughter and her have been through several lockdowns? Their experience has been different to the norm, they won't have stayed away as often or from when your GD was very young and so simply are not as used to it. There may also be a higher level of anxiety about breaking from routine because of this. I say this as a first time mum who had a baby at around the same time! I would also have brought everything I needed too. You sound lovely, and I would just keep trying as I expect they will relax into visits over time.

It’s probably just routine and what they know

My almost 2 year old wouldn’t nap in cot, he rarely does at home. So I would bring pushchair from home and take him for a walk to nap if needed when visiting people.

Ours does have allergies, but he’s also fussy atm and doesn’t eat any meat/ fish, some veg, potatoes unless mash etc.. so I would bring own food just in case you had made something he wouldn’t eat. Although once I knew what you had, he would eat if he could. Maybe your grandchild is just pretty fussy atm, and for ease that one day they just preferred to keep her happy on food they guarantee she will eat. Remember even if child loves say lasagne, they might only live the one their parents make if it’s different.

DVD, toys are fine. Just be aware dvd now might have to stay at yours, we don’t have any devices now at home that a dvd can be played on as no DVD player and even laptops and computer have no cd drive in nowadays.

If your don’t really see very often, it’s hard to know what they are like day to day when out of routine or somewhere new.

I'm going to go against the grain and say it sounds pretty unusual tbh. Especially the pouches of food - I don't know anyone who is still feeding those to their two-year-old (I have a two year old!)

When we go to visit grandparents we get to travel as light as possible so we only really take clothes and a couple of special toys/books. Do you live rurally? I'm wondering if maybe they thought it might be hard to get the things GD likes so they don't haughty they were making it easier for you?

Don't take it personally. The sleep and food things were about keeping the toddler with routine and familiar things. Or possible about making things easier for you? If you cook with a lot of salt, that can be harmful for a small child.

How old was the toy? My parents bring out toys for my toddler and some are great, but some are not suitable due to small bits or just being so old they are fragile and likely to break.

The DVD? could it have been to save you from setting it up? We have stuff preloaded on a tablet that our toddler can look at at a lower volume so the adults can chat without cartoons taking over?

Obvs these are just ideas and may not be right, but just suggestions?

You had a cot - but how old is the cot Matress? Could that be the issue for her?
To me this sounds like first time mum overkill - she’ll relax as she gets used to travelling with her baby.
If I was you I would look at it that she wanted things to go well as she kept child to things they were used to.

I have to say, this sounds a bit like "lockdown baby". My son is 20 months and after spending the weekend away at wedding recently with loads of family, it occurred to me that we weren't letting anyone help us. It wasn't because me and DH were being possessive and didn't want it, it was just an automatic reaction. We were just so used to our own ways, our own routine and being the ones to go to him for everything (we have no family nearby us so it really just was us). We ended up discussing it on the second last day of the trip and realising that's why.

You could maybe just talk to your daughter, maybe she hasn't realised herself yet. It'll take some adjustment time to get used to the fact other people can help, that routines can be different, little one will be ok in different bedding.

And maybe toddler just makes loads of mess at home eating still, so they spoon fed to save your floor?

My mother gets judgemental about my 23 month old. He was born during first lockdown too. Despite the fact she has only seen him for 4 days total ( about 3hrs each time, so 12 hrs max) in his whole life.

Was it the first time they’d been away with their dd anywhere? Maybe they were uncertain how she’d be in a different place, and wanted to maintain as much familiarity as they could?

I do think the food thing is odd - their child is not a baby and should be eating regular food and feeding themselves.
The cot thing - they should have told you that they were bringing their own. The toy thing is odd too - my kids loved going to their grandparents and playing with toys they had kept from way back when (and come on people there were safety standards back then too).
I think for a lot of grandparents it's a matter of biting your tongue. Your daughter and partner may not do things the way you would but it's their choice. But you could, as suggested above, consult first before you buy anything as they appear to be so fussy. Maybe with the next baby they will have learned to relax!
Have to say that what I have learned about some grandparents is they like to feel useful - so my advice to any parent of young kids is not to think you are 'saving them the trouble', but to actively seek out a bit of help or advice. Your parents raised you so do know what they are doing - child rearing has not changed that much!

It sounds like a lack of confidence and no criticism of you.I think the covid point is relevant.
Donkey's years ago when I was a young parent I saw travel or visiting friends and family as a way of breaking routines so would , on the whole, manage with what was available in terms of food ,beds, routines etc.I thought it was good for me and for the DC to learn flexibility.Two years of lockdown is bound to have influenced parents behaviour .

First time parents can be really precious! I look back and cringe at some of the things I did! They may change as she gets older but some parents are overly focused on everything about their child. I don’t think lockdown will have helped. I’d just carry on as you are, you sound lovely. Hopefully your daughter will slowly come round as she gets more used to her daughter visiting your house.

How many years was cot and mattress in attic I wouldn't use it and maybe they know what settles baby,I think they should let her play with toys unless they many years in attic.
Maybe its the sil that's insisting on using all there own stuff

The DVD was to watch here because we don't have Netflix/Amazon Prime. They just stream stuff at their place. The toy was a new ball for the garden/park - not old or breakable.

I am quite laid-back so spilled food on floors etc doesn't bother me. No cream carpets etc.

I don't know whether to just wait and see what happens next time. Perhaps ask re any particular food she might like, though my grand-daughter is currently an adventurous eater. I am often told proudly of the new things she has tried and likes!

I think odd yes. I often take food for my toddler when visiting my in laws, but it's because they are health conscious in a way that doesnt provide a suitable diet for a toddler (eg they will provide no carbohydrates at all with meals, & very little fat, will only buy skim milk etc). But I always know pil will have plenty of fruit & veg for them.

But weird to be feeding a 2 year old from baby pouches etc, unless perhaps it's those yoghurt ones as they are handy for limiting mess when visiting someone else!

My kids love playing with grandparents ancient toys. My parents had a cot so we used that but took our own bedding because they had loose blankets and our kids were used to the sleeping bag type bedding.

As far as the picture book goes, I wouldn’t have thought to ask? Simoly simply pat your lap, open the book and say. ‘Come and read a book with nana!’ and away you go?

New parents can be pedantic about sleep stuff so let the cot thing go.

As for the pouches and food, if that is what your grandchild is used to then leave it. 2 is too late to be changing food habits suddenly. That is now their battle to fight! Personally, I found them a expensive nightmare and from about 10 months all of my kids were eating regular food which is a whole lot easier. But I suppose if they grow up and feed their kids pouch food at that age I’ll just nod and smile.

Did you ask in advance what food she’d like - ie have the conversation before you went? I think the purées and spoon feeding is odd at that age, but my MIL always goes through the menu before we visit to check everyone will like it. Likewise, they get s pile of my husband’s old toys down from the loft to be played with which they love. you sound like and generous and rightly a little disappointed .

I do think the food thing is quite strange for a two year old. Two year olds can be insanely fussy of course but I don’t know anyone who still used pouches and purées etc much beyond 12 months.

The toy/book thing is a bit strange. My parents always insist on trying to give my children my toys they’ve kept from the 80s, and they’re broken and often sharp/dangerous/musty and not age appropriate. But that isn’t what you did.

The cot thing isn’t strange in my view, particularly if it’s an old cot, but they should have let you know in advance. We nearly always take our children’s bedding with us when we go somewhere.

I think just leave it for now and see how things progress. It sounds a bit ‘lockdown baby’. When we first went away with our oldest we packed the kitchen sink.

Lockdown parents - I speak as one! My DS was born just before the first lockdown and I completely recognise the rigidity and uncertainty that stems from spending large chunks of your first child's first couple of years stuck in one place with no support.

With the book, I showed it to my daughter, expecting her to say something like, 'GD might like that.' Her comment was, 'Oh we brought books with us'. During the daytime, if there were quiet moments, daughter and son-in-law would immediately fix up the tablet with downloaded stuff. And when my husband suggested he might read a bedtime story he was told, it would get grand-daughter too excited...

I agree with PPs about the cot mattress and bedding. When we're away (and there haven't been many opportunities due to covid) I try to keep things as similar as possible as DD (also 2) really is a creature of habit. She's also a good eater but I stick to very familar things when away and I stick to her normal mealtimes so she doesn't get tired and hungry (which are a bit early right now for most people!) Sometimes my DPs/DPiLs move their mealtimes so we all eat together if we're with them but I wouldn't expect that all of the time and would feed DD separately. Could this be the case here?

I'd say just go with it, be welcoming but accept what your daughter wants to do and she'll want to keep coming back. As DGD gets older and visits more you can build up things that are special for your place.

@JennieLee

With the book, I showed it to my daughter, expecting her to say something like, 'GD might like that.' Her comment was, 'Oh we brought books with us'. During the daytime, if there were quiet moments, daughter and son-in-law would immediately fix up the tablet with downloaded stuff. And when my husband suggested he might read a bedtime story he was told, it would get grand-daughter too excited...

DD genuinely would get too excited from Nana or Grandad reading her bedtime story here! We say goodnight downstairs and then do normal routine upstairs without grandparents. We would be trying to avoid a meltdown when they leave after the story and then taking hours to get to sleep, it's not personal.

If its their first time away with their little one, then they're probably really anxious. I know that when mine were toddlers I was just absolutely exhausted all the time, and I physically couldn't be all chilled out and easy going. I had to control everything because I had the exact amount of energy I needed to get through the day, and I couldn't cope with anything extra/unexpected happening!

I know you're disappointed, but it's more her child than yours. It can be really uncomfortable when grandparents start trying to "take over".