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AIBU?

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Original poster

.. To Want To Do Something For/With My Grandchild

196 replies

JennieLee · 27/03/2022 05:40

For various reasons - distance, Covid, daughter and son in law's jobs - till now my husband and I have always gone to see them, since our grand-daughter was born. GD is now getting on for two and for the first time the three of them visited us last weekend. We were pleased and excited.

What we found unexpected though was not being able to provide anything for our grand-daughter while she was there. Daughter and son in law had brought absolutely everything with them.

The cot we'd bought down and bedding aren't right. GD (granddaughter) is used to a different sort of cot and bedding. They'd come with their own travelcot and sleeping bag. (If they'd said that in advance, we'd not have got all the stuff down from the attic.)

The wide range of food we had was not suitable for her. (No allergies and GD is not a fussy eater) My daughter hd brought a huge variety of pouches and sachets containing various infant snacks and purees and baby cereal and fed her from these - usually just before a family meal, so she'd not be hungry for anything more.

Similarly we'd got in a DVD featuring a favourite cartoon character of hers and a picture book again about a creature my grand daughter likes. Also a simple toy for when we've been in the garden. But suggestions of reading the story, playing the DVD instead haven't found favour. Instead my daughter and son in law had downloaded some cartoons on a tablet, which can go on a stand. They've put this on a lot.

I should say that my daughter is actually very appreciative of me and her father in a lot of ways. She's said that she feels we were good parents and wants us to be involved with her daughter. We are in very regular contact - much more regular than before GD was born. . While our house is probably not quite as immaculate as hers, she know that we have a good grasp of food hygiene and that it's safe to eat with us. (She and her husband are happy to eat whatever we prepare.) She has encouraged us to move to the city where she lives, when we retire, saying it would be lovely to see us more often.

It was good to see all three of them.

But I was just conscious of a feeling of frustration about not being able to do much with/for our grand-daughter.

I do get that some routine, doing anything that will make it easy for a small child to settle in a strange place - for instance bringing one or two special familiar objects etc are important.

But it's was if my daughter and her husband felt the need to import absolutely everything, - so in that way our grand daughter - had a more limited experience of being with us than I had expected.

I'm left wondering how much of this is a generation gap thing? Is this just what a lot of parents do now?

OP posts:
SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 28/03/2022 16:40

Some GPs do have odd ideas about boundaries, as well. My PIL, for example, assiduously ask whether DD can have a small chocolate bar, but think nothing of just wandering off with her for a walk up and down their road or to the little park five minutes away without asking. To me, that's the wrong way round...

Your daughter is establishing her boundaries. Instead of questioning them, maybe you need to reflect on your relationship a bit and work out whether this is a symptom of a bigger situation?

Tetherless · 28/03/2022 16:47

OP do you have problems admitting that you’re wrong? The vast vast majority of posters on this thread, while having some sympathy for the other things you mentioned, have said that the old cot was a step too far. But you can’t seem to accept that and are off googling safety standards. The fact you didn’t do that before presenting the cot to your granddaughter is the problem here. You didn’t check and you didn’t know - you just assumed. Can you see why your daughter preferred to use her own cot in these circumstances?

And the link you’ve posted mentions how ideally there will be a new mattress for each child. You haven’t told us how old the one you were offering was but I’d be willing to bet it was in the attic for years.

DarcyBlue · 28/03/2022 17:32

OP, my god, why is the ancient cot and fusty old mattress the hill you want to die on? Confused

I'd be torn between cracking up laughing and being really annoyed (depending on how much sleep I was getting) if this was my mum/MIL.

MrsTimRiggins · 28/03/2022 17:36

@JennieLee

I've just done a check to see if the cot we have can reasonably and safely offered to any further visitors with babies, if wanted

Not everyone has a car and if arriving by public transport, a travel cot would probably be something that could/would be left behind.

I found useful information at

www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/sleep/cot-safety-bedding-and-bumpers-your-questions-answered

Am happy to say, my cot passes the test/s, though if further visitors have one they want to bring that's obviously great too.

(Safety is obviously paramount. But I do sometimes have the suspicion that a great deal of money can sometimes be made by persuading people that anything that's not the latest model - or, with food that is a day past its use by date - is automatically dangerous.)

Fuck me, you’re an absolute headache. I think the issue is with you, and not with your daughter to be honest.
Blossomtoes · 28/03/2022 17:48

@MRex

Provided we do exactly as directed - no more and no less - all is well! The main thing is that we are not to show any initiative. Your anger is really.coming through here OP. They brought your grandchild to see you, avoided tantrums, looked after her. The child is clothed, fed, warm, happy and loved. You could have complimented that they are doing well, but instead you're choosing to wind yourself up about which book is read. Probably best for you to avoid them for a little while to get your head straight about your priorities here. If that's keeping the relationship then act accordingly, if that's criticising them then so be it, but at least with your eyes open to the long-term impact of you throwing a temper tantrum about your toys being used.
I can’t detect any anger at all. There’s a lot of disappointment and sadness. And not a trace of a temper tantrum. You’re being grossly unfair @MRex.
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 28/03/2022 18:20

Yep. You should do exactly as directed. It's not your child. Get over it and back off. If you do that and stop judging then you might find your dd is more open and relaxed in time.

RidingMyBike · 28/03/2022 18:33

@birdladyfromhomealone

We are told not to pick her up or play with her as it over excites her then she won't sleep. My daughter bought the moses basket and a highchair for our house but since she has been born it's too much to load the car to come over. We offer to go there and we see them once or twice a month for wa walk
Do they buy them before the baby's born? Might be a case of unrealistic expectations? My DD grew out of her Moses basket at 3 months old and there is no I'd have gone away for an overnight with her at that age - too overwhelmed etc and wanting to be in my own bed and home. We eventually went away overnight when she was about 8 months.
JennieLee · 28/03/2022 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Alwayscheerful · 28/03/2022 19:25

@JennieLee

I've just done a check to see if the cot we have can reasonably and safely offered to any further visitors with babies, if wanted

Not everyone has a car and if arriving by public transport, a travel cot would probably be something that could/would be left behind.

I found useful information at

www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/sleep/cot-safety-bedding-and-bumpers-your-questions-answered

Am happy to say, my cot passes the test/s, though if further visitors have one they want to bring that's obviously great too.

(Safety is obviously paramount. But I do sometimes have the suspicion that a great deal of money can sometimes be made by persuading people that anything that's not the latest model - or, with food that is a day past its use by date - is automatically dangerous.)

You don't need to be happy. Your daughter needs to be happy. Do you really want to save an old cot for other possible random visitors? Clear out the clutter. As I mentioned most parents prefer to use their own cot In our holiday cottage.
SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 28/03/2022 19:25

Yes. Poor you. You are an oppressed class.

HarrietM87 · 28/03/2022 19:34

@JennieLee

Yep. You should do exactly as directed. It's not your child.

So like the black maids in old American films. Got it.

I don’t even know where to start with this. You’re really showing your true colours here OP.
MrsTimRiggins · 28/03/2022 19:38

@JennieLee

Yep. You should do exactly as directed. It's not your child.

So like the black maids in old American films. Got it.

You are disgusting.
Blossomtoes · 28/03/2022 19:39

Those of you bullying her are hardly covering yourselves in glory @MrsTimRiggins.

MrsTimRiggins · 28/03/2022 19:42

@Blossomtoes

Those of you bullying her are hardly covering yourselves in glory *@MrsTimRiggins*.
Bullying… mhmm. I disagree entirely with your idea of bullying, I think.
SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 28/03/2022 19:45

I think OP jumped the shark with that comment, TBH. It's such a stupid, tone deaf thing to say that I now can't take any of this bollocks seriously at all.

Have a biscuit Biscuit

UnbeatenMum · 28/03/2022 19:48

I used a 30 year old cot for my own children and it met/meets modern safety standards but I bought a new mattress, I wouldn't be happy putting an under 2 on a mattress that had been in a loft. I would also take snacks and possibly pouches as backup for a couple of my children although my parents and in-laws would usually check what my children would eat and what time they needed to eat so I didn't tend to need them. They would have needed me or DH to stick to their bedtime routines at that age. Quite happy for Grandad or Grandma to read stories when they were a bit older. Some of the behaviour does seem a bit unusual but it's their first child so they might relax in time.

Porcupineintherough · 28/03/2022 19:54

Sounds crackers to me OP not normal at all. I dont think I'd be that bothered about any relationship where I was shown so little trust or consideration.

One of my neighbours had a similar situation but with her son and dil. After several years of heartbreak she disengaged and joined a group called something like "borrow a grandparent". She was matched with a really lovely family and has a great "grandmother" relationship with their 3 girls instead. Her son/dil dont like that either because she is no longer at their back and call but hey ho, their loss.

SometimesSunshineSometimesrain · 28/03/2022 19:58

@JennieLee

Yep. You should do exactly as directed. It's not your child.

So like the black maids in old American films. Got it.

What???!! 😳 Wow!!!
Natty13 · 28/03/2022 20:01

@JennieLee

Yep. You should do exactly as directed. It's not your child.

So like the black maids in old American films. Got it.

Actually you foul excuse for a human slaves weren't usually allowed to raise their own children which you by your own admission did get to do.

Comparing yourself not being able to interfere with how someone chooses to raise their own bloody child to being a black slave is so disgusting I dont even have words for it. Go ahead and say things like that in front of your daughter and SIL, I'm sure the whole cot/puree pouches issue will soon be saved when they refuse to see you at all.

SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 28/03/2022 20:03

Yes - OP's comment does shed some light on why her daughter might be reluctant to give her any leeway whatsoever.

Porcupineintherough · 28/03/2022 20:05

I'd assume the OP was talking about black maids not slaves @Natty13. And they very much did rear their employers children .

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 28/03/2022 20:09

@JennieLee

Yep. You should do exactly as directed. It's not your child.

So like the black maids in old American films. Got it.

Wow!!!
Dinoteeth · 28/03/2022 20:09

@UnbeatenMum
How do you honestly know that a 30 year old cot meets the standards of 1999 or 2008 when they changed again.

No charity shop would sell it, due to the risk of them being sued. Just the same as they will not sell soft furniture that doesn't have the Fire Safety Standards, which I think are 1988.

People do actually need to accept that these types of regulations are normally changed as a result of many deaths - it's never just one or two.

SummerDays2020 · 28/03/2022 20:10

I think there's a mix of PFB and Lockdown baby, as others have said.

You sound like a lovely grandparent and I'm sure as you get to spend more time together you can get more involved. I remember with my eldest taking everything with me, giving strict instructions about all sorts of things! I was much more relaxed with my youngest!

Natty13 · 28/03/2022 20:14

@Porcupineintherough

I'd assume the OP was talking about black maids not slaves *@Natty13*. And they very much did rear their employers children .
The fact you are makimg excuaes for her says everything about you. No to mention your poor reading comprehension so there isn't really any point in pointing out your mistakes here.