.. To Want To Do Something For/With My Grandchild

[JennieLee]

For various reasons - distance, Covid, daughter and son in law's jobs - till now my husband and I have always gone to see them, since our grand-daughter was born. GD is now getting on for two and for the first time the three of them visited us last weekend. We were pleased and excited.

What we found unexpected though was not being able to provide anything for our grand-daughter while she was there. Daughter and son in law had brought absolutely everything with them.

The cot we'd bought down and bedding aren't right. GD (granddaughter) is used to a different sort of cot and bedding. They'd come with their own travelcot and sleeping bag. (If they'd said that in advance, we'd not have got all the stuff down from the attic.)

The wide range of food we had was not suitable for her. (No allergies and GD is not a fussy eater) My daughter hd brought a huge variety of pouches and sachets containing various infant snacks and purees and baby cereal and fed her from these - usually just before a family meal, so she'd not be hungry for anything more.

Similarly we'd got in a DVD featuring a favourite cartoon character of hers and a picture book again about a creature my grand daughter likes. Also a simple toy for when we've been in the garden. But suggestions of reading the story, playing the DVD instead haven't found favour. Instead my daughter and son in law had downloaded some cartoons on a tablet, which can go on a stand. They've put this on a lot.

I should say that my daughter is actually very appreciative of me and her father in a lot of ways. She's said that she feels we were good parents and wants us to be involved with her daughter. We are in very regular contact - much more regular than before GD was born. . While our house is probably not quite as immaculate as hers, she know that we have a good grasp of food hygiene and that it's safe to eat with us. (She and her husband are happy to eat whatever we prepare.) She has encouraged us to move to the city where she lives, when we retire, saying it would be lovely to see us more often.

It was good to see all three of them.

But I was just conscious of a feeling of frustration about not being able to do much with/for our grand-daughter.

I do get that some routine, doing anything that will make it easy for a small child to settle in a strange place - for instance bringing one or two special familiar objects etc are important.

But it's was if my daughter and her husband felt the need to import absolutely everything, - so in that way our grand daughter - had a more limited experience of being with us than I had expected.

I'm left wondering how much of this is a generation gap thing? Is this just what a lot of parents do now?

To add, I bring food to the in-laws for DD. It’s not that I don’t trust them or their food but DD is hungry at non adult meal times, goes through lots of snacks and it’s wayward to run out to a shop there so I just don’t want to be caught out and struggle to pull together lunches or dinners for her.
It’s less stressful for me if I know I have everything she needs and likes on hand.

@nokidshere

My only thoughts on reading the OP and lots of replies is no wonder there are so many anxious children around.

The cot perfectly understandable, everything else just bizarre. It seems that no one wants their children to have meaningful relationships and different experiences anymore.

'Meaningful relationships' is uncalled for. How does getting a mattress out the loft pertain to that?

Part of it is a generation gap and part of it is having a baby during covid, social distancing and lockdowns.

Don't take it personally.

Meaningful relationships' is uncalled for. How does getting a mattress out the loft pertain to that?

It doesn't, hence my first sentence saying that the cot part was perfectly understandable

@nokidshere

Meaningful relationships' is uncalled for. How does getting a mattress out the loft pertain to that?

It doesn't, hence my first sentence saying that the cot part was perfectly understandable

Fair. What does the rest of it have to do with it though? Grandparent relationships are built through quality time I would say, doesn't matter if DM wants to make the food...

The cot and bedding out of the attic I understand. Even if you'd cleaned it, it'd be old and would probably smell like the attic and the travel cot would be way more convenient and 'normal' for the child.

The food I wonder if it was to keep to the child's timetable without inconveniencing everyone - I often get 'she can wait half an hour/a hour!' When actually it's hard to get my dd to wait when she's hungry. Snacks also get comments from gp here. Pouches last a long time and you don't need to refrigerate. Maybe she thought it would be easy for the trip. Does she feed this way all the time or was it for convenience for the trip?

Story and dvd wouldn't bother me at all but perhaps there's something about the routine. I was militant about my dds sleep because she was a shocking sleeper and when we stayed at places people would make unhelpful comments so I'd do anything to keep routine.

When visiting my sense is that my daughter and husband prefer to choose what toys and/or books are got out for our grand daughter rather than for us to suggest/introduce anything. There is usually either a slight unspoken irritation/weary tolerance or a suggestion that whatever we do is inappropriate. (This is absoutely not to do with winding up a child who is tired and needs a nap.)

I think that's really sad. You're not allowed to initiate activity with your GC either at her home OR yours then.
Your DD and SIL do sound very controlling. I appreciate that bringing up a lockdown baby can lead to this kind of thing, but it doesn't make it right. My DD and her friends all had lockdown babies too, but when they were finally able to involve GP s they all embraced it and if anything are trying to make up for lost time when it comes to their toddlers' relationships with their GPs.

Please don't take any notice of the posters who are criticising you for voicing your concerns. You've not said anything to your DD, you've simply posted anonymously on a forum to get advice. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and young mums come on here dozens of times a day to voice their criticisms of their mums and MILs!

I think sleep is just keep at that age if they are sleeping Badly. They probably hope their routine semi works and baby sleeps so they can.

The book is fine, take it with you next time you visit, and maybe offer to read it at a different time.

Mine is not clingy per say, but has never had anyone look after him. So whilst he likes playing with new people in the garden, he wouldn’t want someone else doing bedtime or similar

@saraclara

When visiting my sense is that my daughter and husband prefer to choose what toys and/or books are got out for our grand daughter rather than for us to suggest/introduce anything. There is usually either a slight unspoken irritation/weary tolerance or a suggestion that whatever we do is inappropriate. (This is absoutely not to do with winding up a child who is tired and needs a nap.)

I think that's really sad. You're not allowed to initiate activity with your GC either at her home OR yours then.
Your DD and SIL do sound very controlling. I appreciate that bringing up a lockdown baby can lead to this kind of thing, but it doesn't make it right. My DD and her friends all had lockdown babies too, but when they were finally able to involve GP s they all embraced it and if anything are trying to make up for lost time when it comes to their toddlers' relationships with their GPs.

Please don't take any notice of the posters who are criticising you for voicing your concerns. You've not said anything to your DD, you've simply posted anonymously on a forum to get advice. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and young mums come on here dozens of times a day to voice their criticisms of their mums and MILs!

'Young mums' meaning?

Provided we do exactly as directed - no more and no less - all is well! The main thing is that we are not to show any initiative.
Your anger is really.coming through here OP. They brought your grandchild to see you, avoided tantrums, looked after her. The child is clothed, fed, warm, happy and loved. You could have complimented that they are doing well, but instead you're choosing to wind yourself up about which book is read. Probably best for you to avoid them for a little while to get your head straight about your priorities here. If that's keeping the relationship then act accordingly, if that's criticising them then so be it, but at least with your eyes open to the long-term impact of you throwing a temper tantrum about your toys being used.

Oh OP, this does sound sad and I can totally understand how disappointed you must be feeling.

In my experience this isn't normal...my little granddaughter comes to stay with me and I'm pretty much left to do whatever I like with her...my daughter trusts me implicitly to take care of her, even when I do things differently to her. Because she knows that my relationship with my grandchild is more important than what type of sheets I use on the bed!

I can only suggest that you chat to your daughter about it, and try to find out what is making her so anxious.

I reckon they've had a nightmare with sleep and now stick rigidily to an exact routine. I feel for them. I don't think it's easy to understand as an outsider, the state everyone gets into with a non sleeper/child that violently resists sleep and routine changes.

The rest, I think is poor communication and I suspect they were trying to save you trouble. Our child would scream herself into a frenzy with hunger and then be unable to eat anything.

Tbh sounds like they did pretty well! You don't know what things may be like normally...

If you get together more regularly, this will all ease.

OP I think you are very caring but the problem is you are seeing everything from your own point of view and what you would like to do. Your daughter is the parent and therefore parenting decisions are up to her. She gets to decide what is best for her own child. You really need to step back if you want to maintain a relationship!
I understand you are disappointed but you don't have a right to do things for your grandchild and ultimately if you interfere you risk making things worse.
Your daughter has had a baby at an incredibly difficult time with no support, and you say yourself she is tired. Try asking her how you can help her - focus on what help she actually wants rather than what you want to give her. Listen to her. You can have a great relationship but it may not be the one you envisioned, and that's ok

My experience with both my mum and my MIL is that they spent a lot of their own children's early years making decisions on what was recommended by their own parents/ILs, spent many hours biting their tongues and putting up and shutting up bevauze they were doormats (sorry, "respectful") and now see their granny experience as a chance for a bit of freedom and reliving those days. I don't think it's always a conscious thing however I do think this is where a lot of the disappointment with this generation is coming from.

I'm sorry if my mum is disappointed that I want to feed, bath and make decisions for my own children but I had them because I wanted to be a mum, not to give her any kind of granny experience. Its not my fault she let other peiple take over when she was in my boat. The most meaningful relationship I want them to have is with me.

Also, I really don't understand the cot issue did you not mention you brought it out the loft? If I visited someone with my young baby I wouldn't assume they had suitable sleeping arrangements and of nothing was said on the matter would take whatever was needed for the entire trip. As parents do.

The bit about sponging and airing the mattress that had been in the attic made me feel a bit nauseous to be honest. On that specific point, I would absolutely not want my toddler to sleep on (or sleep myself) on something that's been sitting in an attic for a while and has been 'sponged'.

On everything else, I think it's a classic case of your expectations not matching the reality of what is happening. You expect to cook and put your granddaughter to bed, the baby's parents don't want that, etc. That's the pattern you keep describing really. I'd try to let go of your expectations a bit, focus on the fact you have years and years to get to know this new little person. You mentioned that this is the first grandchild on both sides. Maybe give them a bit of space, focus on your own friends/jobs/ interests and hobbies as well.

I don't think that wiping down the waterproof area of a cover with a clean J cloth wrung out in hot water detergent, then putting it out in the garden to air on a warm sunny day is a particularly nauseating thing to do personally. (Totally agree re safety in terms of cots though.) When I brought it in it smelled very clean and fragrant.

What do most people do when their babies wet beds/soak through a nappy? When their older kids have accidents at night?

Generally, I think most posters have pointed out the specific areas which might be of concern, while also - very sensibly - reinforcing my sense that it is way better to wait until/if one's opinion is asked on any subject to do with bringing up small children!

It does sound all about you, doesn't it? And what you want, your disappointment about them not doing things they way you think they should do them, mostly to suit you.

I'm afraid the cold reality is that the parents decide everything about their child. Just like you did with your child.

Why is that hard for you?

I'd agree that it is very much coming across that you disapprove of how your DD is parenting - and I very much doubt she is unaware of that.

It's difficult to pull out from what you've said who is at fault, but I think you need to ask yourself how much the things you are disappointed about really matter?

It’s a bit odd. I love visiting my parents’ house because we don’t have to travel with any paraphernalia – they have a cot, high chair, toys, are delighted to cook toddler crowd-pleasers like spaghetti bolognese over and over again.

We do however have to take EVERYTHING to my in-laws because they don’t eat vegetables or anything other than sliced white bread, have no toys, no equipment, nothing. Afterwards I’m always on knife-edge for our next trip feeling like I need to pack the moon.

Yes parents decide - but the OP is saying she would like to have a caring role - as grandparents would have had for generations. Caring means having some input / some interaction !

My grandparents loved cooking for me - when we arrived as young children they would have been cooking for days preparing.

And not letting a 2 year old have a goodnight story from grandad? come on that's pretty sad - it's a couple of days in a two year period that they have had that opportunity.

I think modern parents (I include myself) are quite anxious - and the idea of pouches over proper dinner at 2 years old with spoon feeding is totaly bizarre to me - I think even if wanting to feed baby to a routine, the mum could have appreciated that granny was looking forward to helping feed the baby.

We are really losing the benefit of community and wider family if as parents we want to micromanage every last second of a two years olds life - so what if a 2 year old gets a bit giggly and excited at a visit to grannys at bedtime ? That's precious memories.

I think modern life - with parents cut off from support - particularly in lockdown, has driven a real disconnect from wider community and parents have forgotten/ lost an understanding of the benefits of letting other people help!

When we took babies to visit grandparents we were so aware that it's a real treat for a granny to cook a meal and see baby/toddler enjoy it - I mean that is pretty basic stuff - first grandchildren etc, the grandparents get to really enjoy being hosts to the little ones.

however, I will add that the 'helicopter paren't comment is so annoyign and familiar to me from our own familiy - I remember my MIL holding my baby away from me when he was crying saying dont worry! enjoy eating Ill comfort him! as if any mum ever would relax and eat dinner while a six month old cries for them.

I bet previous generations said the same about their children/ grandchildren - it's just because when you are older you are a bit more disconnected from the baby and can't remember being such a worrier.

My question is….
Whose needs are you concerned about. I’ll be honest your post sound very self focused. It’s about what you want to feed your gc, what your wanted to do with her, the expectation you had for where she would sleep.

Why do YOU need these things?

I assume the gc herself is perfectly happy. So…..who are you trying to please here?

Who am I concerned for?

I could say that I am concerned for my grand-daughter. In terms of development there are some areas which are likely to be flagged up in her two year check. I think there are some aspects of the very loving, protective way in which she is being parented, which may not be helping - eating purees, being spoonfed, having a lot of screentime and, rather less interactive play etc. She is a lovely girl and I am very glad she has entered all our lives. But my sense is that - for one reason or another - she rather lags behind her peers.

I am concerned for my daughter who is juggling a demanding job with parenthood. She has some support in the area where she lives, - a good nursery, a helpful relative in her husband's family - but the network is rather a small one. She is frequently ill and exhausted and picks up every virus going.

Yes, I am a little bit sad that one or two modest plans or hopes - anticipating a little bit of playing, maybe some quality time, hoping to be able to feed her something she enjoyed - did not come off. That will pass. I have a full life and don't just hang about waiting to grandparent! And of course, there are some good memories of the visit - and the hope too that some of the things I'd hoped for will happen another time.

Re the goodnight story, how about trusting the parents to know what is best for their child? My two year old has only just started accepting anyone else other than me or his dad at bedtime. Even a couple of months ago he would have freaked out. It can be a tricky time of day at the best of times, let alone when the child is in a new environment with people they don't yet know very well.