.. To Want To Do Something For/With My Grandchild

[JennieLee]

For various reasons - distance, Covid, daughter and son in law's jobs - till now my husband and I have always gone to see them, since our grand-daughter was born. GD is now getting on for two and for the first time the three of them visited us last weekend. We were pleased and excited.

What we found unexpected though was not being able to provide anything for our grand-daughter while she was there. Daughter and son in law had brought absolutely everything with them.

The cot we'd bought down and bedding aren't right. GD (granddaughter) is used to a different sort of cot and bedding. They'd come with their own travelcot and sleeping bag. (If they'd said that in advance, we'd not have got all the stuff down from the attic.)

The wide range of food we had was not suitable for her. (No allergies and GD is not a fussy eater) My daughter hd brought a huge variety of pouches and sachets containing various infant snacks and purees and baby cereal and fed her from these - usually just before a family meal, so she'd not be hungry for anything more.

Similarly we'd got in a DVD featuring a favourite cartoon character of hers and a picture book again about a creature my grand daughter likes. Also a simple toy for when we've been in the garden. But suggestions of reading the story, playing the DVD instead haven't found favour. Instead my daughter and son in law had downloaded some cartoons on a tablet, which can go on a stand. They've put this on a lot.

I should say that my daughter is actually very appreciative of me and her father in a lot of ways. She's said that she feels we were good parents and wants us to be involved with her daughter. We are in very regular contact - much more regular than before GD was born. . While our house is probably not quite as immaculate as hers, she know that we have a good grasp of food hygiene and that it's safe to eat with us. (She and her husband are happy to eat whatever we prepare.) She has encouraged us to move to the city where she lives, when we retire, saying it would be lovely to see us more often.

It was good to see all three of them.

But I was just conscious of a feeling of frustration about not being able to do much with/for our grand-daughter.

I do get that some routine, doing anything that will make it easy for a small child to settle in a strange place - for instance bringing one or two special familiar objects etc are important.

But it's was if my daughter and her husband felt the need to import absolutely everything, - so in that way our grand daughter - had a more limited experience of being with us than I had expected.

I'm left wondering how much of this is a generation gap thing? Is this just what a lot of parents do now?

@HiJenny35

I was with you till your last 2 posts and now I see why you daughter is trying to qmake the boundaries clear, no a second hand cot from the loft isn't good enough, sids has made it clear that a new mattress needs to be used for each child in a family or not, washing isn't good enough. Times have moved on your daughter is right. You've said your home isn't the cleanest, maybe they are ok to eat your food doesn't mean they want a baby fed it, they made it clear they are happy giving pouches you don't know why they have chosen that route so keep your nose out. You wanted to do a dvd, you wanted to do a story, you wanted to dictate the routine, you are worried for your daughter and now the child who you don't feel is advanced enough compared to her peers, how often have you observed her with her peers and you don't think her mother would be aware of any issues, BACK OFF! She's the mum, she gets to set the bedtime routine, what she feeds, where she sleeps. And you're suprised she's stayed at her own home, I expect she will keep doing that till she feels like you aren't pushing her boundaries.

I am with hijenny too.

I don't believe you are "concerned for your granddaughter" I think you want to be more involved."

the bed and food are totally normal. I get you want to "be involved" its normal but it's not your child. you sound like you are constantly pushing boundaries - this is really just going to get their backs up.and mean they are on the look out for you overstepping.

A conversation evolves gradually and some posters mentioned that they found the choice of pouches and purees - rather than food I had available - unusual at an age when children are tending to transition to ordinary food with a wider range of textures, to feeding themselves - rather than being spoon fed., to independently taking bites out of finger food, rather than having Dad or Mum removing all traces of crust and tearing bits of bread into tiny bitesized pieces for them .

Others asked if my concern was only for myself. I think one does want - even deserve - the odd bit of selfish pleasure no matter how old one gets., But one never grows out of wanting happiness, the best possible life, for one's children.

I think because my daughter is so busy she wants to get the food in quickly with.minimum mess. But in the longer run, not going through the process of encouraging self feeding end up making more work

I think most grandparents I have spoken to will sometimes feel their.sons and daughters might - now and then - try a different way of approaching this or that parenting task and want to offer a parental opinion of their own (while nearly always keeping mouth shut.)

Wondering about if life could in small ways be made a little easier happens specially when they can see their adult children struggling. It is something that is hardwired in.

For clarity I should also say it was my husband who was particularly keen on getting the 20 year old cot down and who offered to read a story, as part of the going to bed process. I am not quite sure.whether there is a view on men, trying to be involved granddads..

I think them bringing the bed and bedding is completely normal.

Bringing purées and baby food for a nearly 2 year old is bizarre though! As Is being strange about the DVD.

Truthfully if the cots 20 years old skip it.
You'll be lucky to get a new mattress to fit it.
Cot standards changed around 1999, to the current sizes and stuff changed on the drop sides. They might have changed since too.
Pre 1999 companies made loads of different sized cots and loads of different mattresses to go with them.

I haven't held on to any baby stuff because standards change. And nobody really wants to take the risk with old out of date stuff

OP you sound a little like my DM. My DM had raised 3 DCs and therefore felt she was the child raising expert. What she didn't recognise was that she was not the expert in raising her DGC.

No doubt your own DPs consisidered some of your parenting ways wrong. Things change, guidance changes, attitudes change. Respect your DD and DSiL's parenting decisions. Your DGC is not a mini version of your DD.

I think you are right to back off, and it seems that you are realising that for yourself.

I can see you mean your suggestions to be gentle, but if the child's parents are busy you are putting more pressure on them. I'm sure they are nice people so they will be sensing your wish for the child to enjoy sleeping in the cot you have prepared, to be engaged with and enjoy the book you have given, the same with the dvds and outdoor toys, and to enjoy the food you have bought. Although you are meaning it in a kind way, you are another person's whose expectations they will want to meet and so that is an added pressure.

Just another viewpoint from when I was a very busy person. I'm sure in time this will all resolve itself.

@JennieLee

For clarity I should also say it was my husband who was particularly keen on getting the 20 year old cot down and who offered to read a story, as part of the going to bed process. I am not quite sure.whether there is a view on men, trying to be involved granddads..

If you speak like this to your DD then I'm amazed they visit.

Drop it about the cot, it's been explained to you many times why it wouldn't be suitable. As for the story, we don't know the timings here; if she's ready to be put down and grandad suddenly wants to do a story then that can't work, it needs to be built in from earlier in the day. I'm not sure why he couldn't have read to her at breakfast, mid-afternoon etc, that would be the way to go rather than disrupting bedtime.

@saraclara

But also, I'm surprised you can confidently say your granddaughter is behind in her milestones. There's only two years between my DC and I have to go back and check photos to compare if the youngest is at a similar stage to the eldest at the same age. Presumably your DC are adults, do you really spend enough time with small children to know what's typical at 18 Vs 21 Vs 24 months? They come on so quickly at this age.

Apart from this thing called the internet, where it's the easiest thing in the world to find out exactly what the milestones are, some GPs actually know this stuff, either because of the nature of their work, or simply because they DO remember what their kids were doing when, or they see other children of that age.

People really don't remember, or they remember what one child did and extrapolate that as expectation. My own DM was worried that DS wasn't toilet trained at age 2 for example, did this mean he was behind etc. Eh no. The DNs weren't either, but they are old enough that she actually did remember when they were young that a sibling was trained much later. My own DM means well, but it gets tiring providing reassurance to a grandparent as well as working, parenting etc.

The cot and bedding is fairly normal for a first time. Neither of you communicated about this prior so perhaps she thought it best to just bring her own so she knows her daughter will get some decent sleep. I really wouldn't read into it any more than that. We used to bring our cot to my in laws but realised the baby had somewhere good to sleep so stopped bothering.

The food pouches at nearly two is a bit odd and over the top. Why can't she eat the same as the adults ? She's not a baby anymore.

Tablet - definitely a generation thing. No one buys or watches DVDs anymore. It's all streamed online, daughter has more choice. At that age, the attention span is short.

I know this isn't my business but Gdaughter really shouldn't be watching the tablet at that age. My 4 year old watches a tablet perhaps once a month. It's not good for them. But very common with parents/families of our generation (I'm 31).

It sounds like your daughter has worked out what works best for little one and sticks to it.
Of course she might choose to feed little one before supper so as not to disturb the meal.
Take a step back and just enjoy their company otherwise you might be viewed as controlling and to be observing and even commenting on their every move.
I have a holiday cottage and used to provide a new cot, new high hair and bedding for guests I gave all the equipment away because I would clean it and set it up and parents would bring their own, including stick on black out blinds , a complete waste of my time and energy and storage space.
You sound very prescriptive, perhaps your daughter has a similar mindset.

Please tell me the mattress isn't 20 years old too ...

It sounds like your daughter has worked out what works best for little one and sticks to it.
Of course she might choose to feed little one before supper so as not to disturb the meal.
Take a step back and just enjoy their company otherwise you might be viewed as controlling and to be observing and even commenting on their every move.
I agree with this really. Let it be. None of what you’ve posted about really warrants thinking on for more than a couple of minutes let alone starting a thread about imo. You do come across as somewhat critical and maybe that’s coming across to your daughter? If it is, I can see why she’d be very keen to stick to what she knows to try and make sure her daughters behaviour is what she would expect.
You could’ve watched her cartoons on the tablet with her (‘can granny sit with you to watch those?’), you could’ve suggested reading to her another time (I wouldn’t have been keen on a grandparent reading a bedtime story for one that age either, they get easily excitable ime!) and honestly, I wouldn’t have used a cot from the attic which is probably 16+ years old when I had a perfectly good travel cot, one that I knew my daughter slept well in.

This might help: we had similar with Granny wanting to read a bedtime story (both granddads dead but I imagine it would have been similar!). At that age, DD used to us sitting in particular place to read it, the timing of it with her bedtime, having bedtime cuddle with me or DH. Granny doing it upset the routine as she didn't want to sit in same place and made bedtime go on for ages. It wasn't worth it for the 3-4 times per year we saw Granny, when she could just do the story at another time in the day. I imagine it'd be different for a grandparent seen every week perhaps? As DD for older, we gave her a choice over who she wanted to read her bedtime story and, now, even at 6yo, sometimes she'll ask for Granny when visiting, sometimes she prefers me or DH. I know having a night or two disrupted a few times per year doesn't sound much in the grand scheme of things, but travel with a kid is exhausting, as is being away from home whilst also juggling work, childcare etc.

Food-wise. Are we talking 6+ month very puréed baby food, or the things like yogurt pouches, fruit smoothie pouches or toddler ready meals? All of those are things I used for convenience at various times - I always kept a couple of the ready meals in just in case. My Mum was very sniffy about the ready meals (apparently I was brought up entirely on home cooked food which isn't what I remember!) but they're really useful on occasion and also means the kid gets something they're used to.

I remember having friend with 2yo to stay, carefully checking the menu in advance and then they refused the pasta and bolognese because the pasta was a different shape and the bolognese had mushrooms(!) in. It's just the reality of life with a 2yo.

Also re food, my Mum has a very different attitude towards children at mealtimes than I do, and I think this is increasingly common across the generation divide?
She's very focussed on clean plates, no waste, everything eaten up whereas our approach has always been to encourage trying new things, having a taste, stopping when you're full even if food still on plate, starting small and offering more if wanted type approach. It did lead to some contentious mealtimes when with Granny and I had to put my foot down about some of it as I don't want DD experiencing what I did at mealtimes (being forced to finish platefuls of food I really hated).

@RidingMyBike that rings many bells for me!

My DM was similar when my DCs were small. I know that she was very much of the view that children should eat what was put in front of them and clear the plate. Many times we would override her when she was insisting that something should be finished. She wasn't a good cook.

I have done the same when travelling with my 2 year old. I'd rather have everything that she is used to considering she is going to be in a different environment. It sounds like it works for them, you just expected something different. Maybe adjust your expectations and enjoy your family.

I've just done a check to see if the cot we have can reasonably and safely offered to any further visitors with babies, if wanted

Not everyone has a car and if arriving by public transport, a travel cot would probably be something that could/would be left behind.

I found useful information at

www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/sleep/cot-safety-bedding-and-bumpers-your-questions-answered

Am happy to say, my cot passes the test/s, though if further visitors have one they want to bring that's obviously great too.

(Safety is obviously paramount. But I do sometimes have the suspicion that a great deal of money can sometimes be made by persuading people that anything that's not the latest model - or, with food that is a day past its use by date - is automatically dangerous.)

What about the ancient mattress though OP?

Our first GD too and they have also never come to stay with us despite us buying a moses basket new sheets blankets etc.
It's too much of a faff apparently as it takes 2 hours to load the car.
We are not even able to push the pram as the dad wants to do thst

@birdladyfromhomealone

Our first GD too and they have also never come to stay with us despite us buying a moses basket new sheets blankets etc. It's too much of a faff apparently as it takes 2 hours to load the car. We are not even able to push the pram as the dad wants to do thst

You can't even push the pram?

The level of control that some new parents exert is really depressing. When their kids get older, I wonder if these parents be complaining that the GPs don't show enough interest in them?

This is obviously the other end of the spectrum from those who assume full time childcare will come from GPs.

I want to give my tolerant and inclusive DD a big hug right now.

@JennieLee

I've just done a check to see if the cot we have can reasonably and safely offered to any further visitors with babies, if wanted

Not everyone has a car and if arriving by public transport, a travel cot would probably be something that could/would be left behind.

I found useful information at

www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/sleep/cot-safety-bedding-and-bumpers-your-questions-answered

Am happy to say, my cot passes the test/s, though if further visitors have one they want to bring that's obviously great too.

(Safety is obviously paramount. But I do sometimes have the suspicion that a great deal of money can sometimes be made by persuading people that anything that's not the latest model - or, with food that is a day past its use by date - is automatically dangerous.)

God Almighty just let it go!

Ultimately, you can insist on its perfectness as much as you like but at the end of the day your daughter is the mum, makes the decisions and can put her DD to bed however and wherever she chooses. How you feel about your totally safe cot and definitely not fusty mattress doesn't matter a jot.

I am feeling more and more sympathy with your DD the more you post.

We are told not to pick her up or play with her as it over excites her then she won't sleep.
My daughter bought the moses basket and a highchair for our house but since she has been born it's too much to load the car to come over.
We offer to go there and we see them once or twice a month for wa walk

@JennieLee be honest, did you agree with everything your own parents said about child rearing? Things change, no doubt you were totally up to date when raising your own children but things have moved on since.

Take salt in food. To my taste my DM uses far more salt than I do when cooking. DM uses less than her DM did. My DCs use less than I do. Things change.

Also, this was the first visit. Your DD and DSiL were off their home territory so wanted to keep as much control as possible. Give them time and show that you respect their decisions and they will be able to relax.

Op I'd really let the cot go, unless it is to
2019 Regs.
But I wouldn't mention it again to your DD.

I'm not at all precious about second hand baby stuff, I used plenty of it, but even I'd draw the line at a 20 year old cot but I'd want a much newer mattress.