.. To Want To Do Something For/With My Grandchild

[JennieLee]

For various reasons - distance, Covid, daughter and son in law's jobs - till now my husband and I have always gone to see them, since our grand-daughter was born. GD is now getting on for two and for the first time the three of them visited us last weekend. We were pleased and excited.

What we found unexpected though was not being able to provide anything for our grand-daughter while she was there. Daughter and son in law had brought absolutely everything with them.

The cot we'd bought down and bedding aren't right. GD (granddaughter) is used to a different sort of cot and bedding. They'd come with their own travelcot and sleeping bag. (If they'd said that in advance, we'd not have got all the stuff down from the attic.)

The wide range of food we had was not suitable for her. (No allergies and GD is not a fussy eater) My daughter hd brought a huge variety of pouches and sachets containing various infant snacks and purees and baby cereal and fed her from these - usually just before a family meal, so she'd not be hungry for anything more.

Similarly we'd got in a DVD featuring a favourite cartoon character of hers and a picture book again about a creature my grand daughter likes. Also a simple toy for when we've been in the garden. But suggestions of reading the story, playing the DVD instead haven't found favour. Instead my daughter and son in law had downloaded some cartoons on a tablet, which can go on a stand. They've put this on a lot.

I should say that my daughter is actually very appreciative of me and her father in a lot of ways. She's said that she feels we were good parents and wants us to be involved with her daughter. We are in very regular contact - much more regular than before GD was born. . While our house is probably not quite as immaculate as hers, she know that we have a good grasp of food hygiene and that it's safe to eat with us. (She and her husband are happy to eat whatever we prepare.) She has encouraged us to move to the city where she lives, when we retire, saying it would be lovely to see us more often.

It was good to see all three of them.

But I was just conscious of a feeling of frustration about not being able to do much with/for our grand-daughter.

I do get that some routine, doing anything that will make it easy for a small child to settle in a strange place - for instance bringing one or two special familiar objects etc are important.

But it's was if my daughter and her husband felt the need to import absolutely everything, - so in that way our grand daughter - had a more limited experience of being with us than I had expected.

I'm left wondering how much of this is a generation gap thing? Is this just what a lot of parents do now?

My nephew is just 2 and being assessed for autism. He still has food pouches because if he didn’t he wouldn’t eat.

Likewise he likes particular books and TV shows. Up until he was 20 months my sister thought it was just how he was/because he was a lockdown baby. It was only at his health visitor check that they were concerned he had classic signs of autism (he’s completely non verbal etc).

Up until the last comment , I was about to say I think my mum felt like this as due to having lived abroad, she'd not met my son in person until he was 3 and while I didn't know it at the time, he's autistic so... particular for lack of a better word.

Now that they've built a relationship, she always says how relaxed I am. She's careful generally not to overstep and if he manages to charm her and get spoilt a bit.... Well, more love never hurts .

I am a great grandmother and can sympathise with you.
Your daughter should have had a MIL like mine, she kept telling me that DH and his sister were eating mince and potatoes at 3 months old, as she had no money to ''clart about'' with fancy baby food!.I disbelieved and ignored her of course.
Every generation has different methods of parenting.After all it is your daughter's first time at being a mother, if she has another baby she will be a lot more relaxed.

OP I’ve only read your posts not other replies. I have a similar aged child and an older one so maybe this will be useful. You sound very judgmental, if you are not careful you will push your daughter and grandchild away. When travelling it’s normal for parents to do things to make their lives easier eg more screen time and snacky food. Children also behave differently in different environments, you have probably not seen the full range of GC abilities as they were getting used to you and a new environment.

I'm not making excuses I'm pointing out that you are reading things that arent there. The OP is referencing a different trope, if you want to criticize then criticize based on what she actually wrote.

I'd assume the OP was talking about black maids not slaves @Natty13. And they very much did rear their employers children

In many of those movies, they can be one and the same and historically were abs even when the slaves were free, that was the one of the very few jobs they were allowed to have depending on the region. It really doesn’t matter what OP meant because it was a stupid thing to say regardless.

@Dinoteeth unless I'm missing something you can read it online and then check the cot? E.g.

The bars must be smooth, securely fixed, and the distance between each bar should not be less than 25mm (1 inch) and not more than 60mm (2.5 inches), so your baby’s head can’t get trapped. Etc

I'm not saying shops should sell older cots or that all older cots will meet the standards, my point was more about the need to replace the mattress even if you're confident that the cot is safe.

Hi OP

I'm ashamed to say that I was just like this towards my parents when my first child was born. I don't know why .. I guess I wanted to prove that I'm perfect 😂 & it's my way or NO way
I am really embarrassed at my behaviour and how I behaved towards them. Looking back I should've relaxed abit.

Fast forward to my second I'm much more relaxed. When I take the kids to their house I barely pack anything as I know my parents have it all. I'm not checking on what they're feeding the kids as I know they are great cooks & I turned up ok 😃

I've only just realised now the sort of annoying mother I was .. and so precious about my children. But I now know that my parents love my children just the way I do and I can trust them 😃

All the best OP x

This entire thread has made me super grateful for my thoughtful, communicative, kind MIL who has retained literally every item she ever used in my husband’s childhood but has the good sense to offer the gorgeous books and hand knitted jumpers and doesn’t complain about my parenting, either to my face or behind my back on the internet.

@UnbeatenMum I know stuff changed in the 1999 Regs over sizes of cots, manufacturers had to make them a standard size 60x120 for a cot and 70x140 for a cot bed. Which was to minimise the risk of people using wrong sized mattresses. And something changed with the drop side mechanisms.

I don't know what the changes were to the 2008 Regs. I've only just read they existed on the Ops link that she put up.

In relation to your concerns about your GD’s development, you say she goes to nursery so I really wouldn’t worry. Nurseries usually observe and monitor child development, and any concerns are communicated to parents. If there are any issues, I think it’s very likely that your daughter will already be aware.

I’d also be very wary of judging someone’s parenting based on a small snapshot when they’re away from home. The screen time may seem like a lot but I think a lot of children have more screen time when they’re in a strange house. The eating seems odd but again that could be to do with being away from home.

And some things can be down to personalities and family dynamics. I think my parents would complain that we don’t let them do enough with our children but there are reasons for that, which I won’t go into here.

I think its just about expectations here. You seem lovely and thoughtful and have really tried..... but just relax a bit it will come together. Having a first born in the past two years has made parenting more intense and difficult. The next visit might be easier and more fun.

@Dinoteeth

Op I'd really let the cot go, unless it is to 2019 Regs. But I wouldn't mention it again to your DD.

I'm not at all precious about second hand baby stuff, I used plenty of it, but even I'd draw the line at a 20 year old cot but I'd want a much newer mattress.

My daughter (11) slept in the cot bought originally for her grandmother in the 1950s. She was the 8th baby to do so (I was the 5th) and my (2 year old) nephew is the 9th.

It has been sanded and repainted and a new mattress (made to order these days) between each baby.

Clearly the family airloom is not a death-trap. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@OnceAgainWithFeeling
Don't be offended if the next generation draw the line on the heirloom cot.

But did you also get that the Ops mattress has cleaned and aired? Which presumably means it too has been in the loft for 20 years.

My nephew is solid and likes to launch himself out of it so it is a bit rickety these days. My dad is working on converting it into something else once DN is in a bed!

Wise move from your DDad.

@OnceAgainWithFeeling good for you but basically irrelevant to the OP because:

1. She didn’t check whether the cot complied with new standards before offering it
2. Certainly didn’t paint or sand it or buy a new mattress
3. Was offering an old mattress that had been in the loft for presumably some years, not buying a new one
4. Is irrelevant anyway because it is for the baby’s parents to decide what their baby sleeps in. If your family are happy to use the heirloom then great. OP’s daughter doesn’t have to use the cot she’s got whatever condition it’s in.

And even if the cot and mattress did comply with every standards, the mother is well within her rights just or not want to use them.

The parents don't have to justify any of their decisions or preferences to the child's grandmother. Why should they? They don't have explain themselves to anyone.

I think there's probably a good reason why the mother is being rather more protective......probably sick and tired of being judged and told that she has to please other people and do what they want.

Hi OP, honestly it sounds like new parents + lockdown stress, and not something to be taken personally. Staying away overnight with DC of that age is massively stressful, particularly the first few times.

I definitely used to travel with everything when taking DC away overnight, it's actually less mental effort for me to just pack everything rather than try and remember what PILs (for example) do and don't have at their house.

MIL got a second hand cot for DC to sleep in we took our travel cot anyway the first time (though left it hidden in the boot just in case) because she refused to tell us anything about the cot so we had no idea whether it be suitable until we got there.

Keeping DC pacified during family mealtimes was hugely stressful for me and I'd definitely have bene temped to pre-feed them beforehand so they wouldn't act up while the rest of us ate.

I'd probably give my DC more screen time if I was away from home and the place where I was staying wasn't as child-proofed as home. That way they might sit still and not rampage around damaging themselves/the house.

It's a balance, keep inviting them to yours so they get practice at being away from home. But for spending real quality time with DC, do it at their house if you can.

I could say that I am concerned for my grand-daughter. In terms of development there are some areas which are likely to be flagged up in her two year check. I think there are some aspects of the very loving, protective way in which she is being parented, which may not be helping - eating purees, being spoonfed, having a lot of screentime and, rather less interactive play etc. She is a lovely girl and I am very glad she has entered all our lives. But my sense is that - for one reason or another - she rather lags behind her peers

Tread so, so carefully with this. I have a slightly older DC with delays. Nursery should flag any issues even if the 2 year check doesn't. Please don't confuse cause and consequence. My DC stayed on purees and spoonfeeding longer than normal because they had developmental delay, the delays weren't caused by us doing that.

This post made me feel sad for you and your husband op.
I hope on the future your daughter relaxes a little and let's you enjoy the simple things with your granddaughter.
The DVDs and book and toy sound very thoughtful.
She sounds like a lucky little girl to have you both.
I remember my 3 daughters loved my dad reading to them as little ones. They each as babies gave him a book from them for his birthday to keep at his house about grandfathers so he could read it to them when they came to visit.
My youngest is 6 and she now likes to read to him.