.. To Want To Do Something For/With My Grandchild

[JennieLee]

For various reasons - distance, Covid, daughter and son in law's jobs - till now my husband and I have always gone to see them, since our grand-daughter was born. GD is now getting on for two and for the first time the three of them visited us last weekend. We were pleased and excited.

What we found unexpected though was not being able to provide anything for our grand-daughter while she was there. Daughter and son in law had brought absolutely everything with them.

The cot we'd bought down and bedding aren't right. GD (granddaughter) is used to a different sort of cot and bedding. They'd come with their own travelcot and sleeping bag. (If they'd said that in advance, we'd not have got all the stuff down from the attic.)

The wide range of food we had was not suitable for her. (No allergies and GD is not a fussy eater) My daughter hd brought a huge variety of pouches and sachets containing various infant snacks and purees and baby cereal and fed her from these - usually just before a family meal, so she'd not be hungry for anything more.

Similarly we'd got in a DVD featuring a favourite cartoon character of hers and a picture book again about a creature my grand daughter likes. Also a simple toy for when we've been in the garden. But suggestions of reading the story, playing the DVD instead haven't found favour. Instead my daughter and son in law had downloaded some cartoons on a tablet, which can go on a stand. They've put this on a lot.

I should say that my daughter is actually very appreciative of me and her father in a lot of ways. She's said that she feels we were good parents and wants us to be involved with her daughter. We are in very regular contact - much more regular than before GD was born. . While our house is probably not quite as immaculate as hers, she know that we have a good grasp of food hygiene and that it's safe to eat with us. (She and her husband are happy to eat whatever we prepare.) She has encouraged us to move to the city where she lives, when we retire, saying it would be lovely to see us more often.

It was good to see all three of them.

But I was just conscious of a feeling of frustration about not being able to do much with/for our grand-daughter.

I do get that some routine, doing anything that will make it easy for a small child to settle in a strange place - for instance bringing one or two special familiar objects etc are important.

But it's was if my daughter and her husband felt the need to import absolutely everything, - so in that way our grand daughter - had a more limited experience of being with us than I had expected.

I'm left wondering how much of this is a generation gap thing? Is this just what a lot of parents do now?

Looking back, I feel it was more that my daughter didn't want us to feed grand-daughter. I had asked about normal routines and know about the range of foods she normally eats. But as soon as after consultation and agreeing say, lunch can be in 20 minutes - and GD was happy - my daughter would immediately get out the pouches etc - so GD was filled up in advance.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your thoughts...

Ps I wasn't even a "lockdown parent"! Parents have been anxious and struggled with things since before covid.

I couldn't imagine going anywhere to stay overnight with my young child and not taking his travel cot and own sleeping stuff. I think it just helps their routine to have familiar things so j really wouldn't read too much into that.

Again with the food, my son just eats whatever we eat so I personally wouldn't have brought him a load of meals and would have just let him have whatever you'd cooked but maybe if your GD is used to eating certain things they thought it would just be easier to keep her in that routine?

The toys and dvd though is sad. I think that's a nice thing you did for her and I'd have been happy to let my son play with and watch the dvd.

Could it be she's concerned about food hygiene? If her place is immaculate and she's used to a dishwasher etc and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I do the same, bringing food and bottled drinks for kids.

If this was a first trip to your house, it just sounds like your dd wanted everything to go smoothly so brought everything with her. I would have done the same.
I don't think it's a comment on your hospitality, just maintaining a routine so your daughter can enjoy a peaceful couple of days with no upsets.
Although a child still eating pouches at two does seem slightly unusual.

Actually, now I think about it- I would have been really inflexible about the sleeping arrangements and bedtime for sure, and probably a bit funny about food, but I would definitely have been very grateful for a new toy and books etc.

You sound like a lovely grandparent, I'd try not to worry. Everyone is finding their way with new routines after lockdown, it's no reflection on you. They're probably just sticking to things that they know work - sleep, food, entertainment - to keep things simple and less stressful.

I'd always take my own cot/bedding if going somewhere new with my 2 year old - anything to minimise risk of them not sleeping well.

And I'd usually take food etc too so I knew it was stuff they'd definitely have - again minimise stress (not pouches these days though) and sometimes we'd feed them separately as it can be a nightmare and you end up not really having your own meal properly because you're feeding the little one instead.

Keep doing what you're doing - asking them, trying things and you'll find a rhythm.

The cot thing makes sense. MIL was very pleased to tell us she'd been passed down one, but of course it was years old with an old mattress. Given we had a travel cot we just brought our own and made excuses rather than getting into a detailed discussion about what was or wasn't wrong with hers.

With food, if I had either a fussy eater or a time inflexible eater I could see ending up bringing food. Both my DM and MIL seem to have forgotten how little kids really can't wait an extra 30-45 minutes beyond when they normally eat just because it's more convenient for the adults. Both also then make critical comments if I have to ask for snacks to tide the kids over the wait. If we go over for the day, I now feed them sandwiches in the car on the way to reduce the risk of having to keep hungry crabby children happy while we wait for food. What times were you getting meals ready for, did you ask when your DG was used to eating?

With the DVD is it definitely a cartoon she watches and still likes? My DC have been known to change overnight what they want to watch, could it be that?

It does have sound like communication could be better. Did you ask in advance what you were planning to prepare and get in?

I agree with what quite a few others have said in that I would have insisted on bringing my own travel cot (I think the risk of SIDS is higher with an older cot and mattress, and the safety standards have changed quite a bit eg around gaps between bars and ventilation). It is an awkward conversation to have - I had to tell my parents I wouldn’t be using the crib they used for me because it has no bars (solid all the way round) so your daughter may also have felt bad telling you this.

However, for the food I would be delighted for someone else to do the cooking and for the books and toys and DVDs. That all sounds a little odd and maybe worth asking what kinds of things she would enjoy and why the things you got weren’t quite right?

In the nicest possible way, why does it matter that you don’t have a say in where their child sleeps, what they eat or what they do? You don’t have to like their decisions, but they are the parents and you do need to take a step back. They’ll probably relax a bit with more children but it’s their first child and you really just need to be there in the background while they figure things out for themselves. Just enjoy spending time with them. I definitely know my own parents struggled with not feeling needed or in charge when they became grandparents.

Sounds quite over the top, can’t understand the need for any of it (apart from the cot maybe if the child was used to sleeping in it or any safety issues) but it’s a travel cot and therefor the child is probably not used to sleeping in it.

To be honest, I’m not remotely precious but I wouldn’t let my child sleep on an old mattress out the loft.

If they’re still spoon feeding, it also makes sense for them to feed the child before the main dinner otherwise the parents won’t get to eat their own dinner while it’s still hot.

As PPs have said, give it time. If DD & her DH arent used to travelling with their DD then they are probably keen to keep control of everything until they are confident. You sound very thoughtful. Keep inviting, keep being open too them. They will relax and become more confidant about relinquishing some control during visits.

Be careful of comments like But perhaps my husband and I do regard them as perhaps a bit 'helicopter-ish''. Remember you are seeing your parenting with 20/20 rose tinted hindsight. For your DD & DSiL they are doing everything for the first time. You may now think that you were more relaxed but I would bet good money that you werent at the time!

I would give them some time. I definitely took more stuff to my parents' early on: now I know what will be there and what will be helpful, and they also get in some things they know my littles will eat.

I work in Early Years, it’s a bit worrying that they are spoon feeding her pouches at 2 years old! If she has no special needs then she should be eating normal meals and having a good go at feeding herself.

The cot thing I sort of understand though. However, not being allowed the ball or book is bizarre. And it sounds like they rely on screens a lot - which are actually more stimulating at bedtime than a story.

Don’t voice any of this though! It won’t be appreciated! They will live and learn.

I get the bit about the cot, though the mattress was/is in good condtion - only used by the last child in the family. We vacuumed, sponged and aired it. (Just knowing they'd be bringing quite a lot of stuff - wanting to spare them from packing the car to the gills - and not having been told they'd bought an extra wide cot for grand-daughter as she likes loads of space and wriggles round in her sleep.)

I think it was about wanting to try and establish some closer relationship with my granddaughter on her first visit. That Gran cooked something she liked eating. Bought her a toy and they had a good game together. Found a story they could read and a DVD they could watch.

But I felt that my daughter wasn't comfortable with any of that - and some reason was always found for none of this to happen. Which is a shame. I can see she is very tired and I don't want to take over.

But I think it would be good for her if she could let go a little. As well as being fun for me.

The cot thing sounds normal to me. Children sleep better in a familiar sleeping environment and we took our travel cot places right up until our DC outgrew it at 3.5 because having a familiar place to sleep for DC meant they were guaranteed a good night's sleep. We still take an inflatable child's bed with raised sides after a horrendous short break when the single bed was lumpy, on a slant and incredibly high and DC kept tumbling out onto the wooden floor even after putting rolled towels under the sheet. Eventually, DH had to sleep there for the rest of the break .

The food thing doesn't sound normal, but the only question I'd ask is how flexible are you with mealtimes? Both DM/MIL used to spend ages cooking when my DC really just needed to be fed so I would end up giving snacks as DC was starving. They've both got much better now so, although meals still take ages, they'll usually either make or suggest I make something child-friendly for DC earlier... either beans on toast or some fish fingers and veg, something like that. Then DC will sit at table with us and pick at anything from the main meal they like, but no pressure to eat.

Food weird, she's too old for pouches when there's a perfectly good meal on offer that could be eaten, pouches could come out after if she didn't eat much.

Book and ball weird, who doesn't love a new book, doesn't have to be at bedtime.

Cot rude, I can understand better sleep in a familiar bed but say so!

I agree it's a shame that they didn't let you get involved more though... maybe it is a lockdown thing as I'm more than happy to palm my (sightly older) child off onto my parents/PILs whenever we visit (should say, they're very happy with this ) and retrieve them at the end of the visit.

Soon the novelty of being first time parents with time and energy will wear off. Then they will let you in more. Right now they want things certain ways and that is fine. Follow their lead.

Agree with PP re the cot and mattress scenario. I would bring my own too.

Perhaps your DD wanted to feed the baby so she could sit down and enjoy a meal with you rather than it being about the baby.

Uncle Ipad is usually the babysitter when parents are too knackered.

Maybe the little one is used to being put down and going straight to sleep rather than having a story.

Don’t take it personally. You said yourself your DD looked weary. She might have been taking the easy route because she needed TLC more than the baby did.

You say yourself it’s her first visit, she’s 2 years. It’s not the same as visiting granny you see every week. 2 year old unfortunately doesn’t know you yet.
So whilst reading book is nice, i wouldn’t have expected child to want to with effectively strangers. You will have to see more often and gradually over time they will come to you.

The pouches are unusual at that age, and it seems odd to not accept the book. I’m not sure I’d sweat it too much though, you can still enjoy spending time with your granddaughter. They’ll find their way.

I think it was about wanting to try and establish some closer relationship with my granddaughter on her first visit. That Gran cooked something she liked eating. Bought her a toy and they had a good game together. Found a story they could read and a DVD they could watch.

And that's entirely reasonable. This was the first chance you'd had to build a relationship with your grandchild. And being hospitable and providing food is quite primal in that. A single book, a single toy and a single DVD was hardly over the top, and again was about hospitalcity and providing activities for your DC. I'd have been very sad too.

So whilst reading book is nice, i wouldn’t have expected child to want to with effectively strangers.

How do you expect a GP to build a relationship with their two year old GC then? The child spent a weekend with them and looking at a book is the most natural of things to do together.

The DD should have been facilitating the relationship, not blocking it. I can quite see how OP felt when each gesture she made was spurned. The cot thing was understandable, but the rejection of the rest was unnecessary.

Some of the things I could understand, e.g. cot and tablet - as may as well stick with what works/what toddler is used to.

I do think everything else is odd, though. Like pp said, it seems odd to feed a 2 year old sachets of baby food rather than normal food. Not playing with the ball is odd, too.

One or two of these things would probably be normal, but all of them sounds like slightly anxious parenting perhaps.