.. To Want To Do Something For/With My Grandchild

[JennieLee]

For various reasons - distance, Covid, daughter and son in law's jobs - till now my husband and I have always gone to see them, since our grand-daughter was born. GD is now getting on for two and for the first time the three of them visited us last weekend. We were pleased and excited.

What we found unexpected though was not being able to provide anything for our grand-daughter while she was there. Daughter and son in law had brought absolutely everything with them.

The cot we'd bought down and bedding aren't right. GD (granddaughter) is used to a different sort of cot and bedding. They'd come with their own travelcot and sleeping bag. (If they'd said that in advance, we'd not have got all the stuff down from the attic.)

The wide range of food we had was not suitable for her. (No allergies and GD is not a fussy eater) My daughter hd brought a huge variety of pouches and sachets containing various infant snacks and purees and baby cereal and fed her from these - usually just before a family meal, so she'd not be hungry for anything more.

Similarly we'd got in a DVD featuring a favourite cartoon character of hers and a picture book again about a creature my grand daughter likes. Also a simple toy for when we've been in the garden. But suggestions of reading the story, playing the DVD instead haven't found favour. Instead my daughter and son in law had downloaded some cartoons on a tablet, which can go on a stand. They've put this on a lot.

I should say that my daughter is actually very appreciative of me and her father in a lot of ways. She's said that she feels we were good parents and wants us to be involved with her daughter. We are in very regular contact - much more regular than before GD was born. . While our house is probably not quite as immaculate as hers, she know that we have a good grasp of food hygiene and that it's safe to eat with us. (She and her husband are happy to eat whatever we prepare.) She has encouraged us to move to the city where she lives, when we retire, saying it would be lovely to see us more often.

It was good to see all three of them.

But I was just conscious of a feeling of frustration about not being able to do much with/for our grand-daughter.

I do get that some routine, doing anything that will make it easy for a small child to settle in a strange place - for instance bringing one or two special familiar objects etc are important.

But it's was if my daughter and her husband felt the need to import absolutely everything, - so in that way our grand daughter - had a more limited experience of being with us than I had expected.

I'm left wondering how much of this is a generation gap thing? Is this just what a lot of parents do now?

Ask yourself - do I want to be vindicated or do I want to work out how to improve things.

If you want to be right, just read all the comments about how pfb your daughter is being.

If you want to fix things, take a look at the comments about how lots of us have worked out through hard days and nights about how to get the dc to sleep and eat with minimal stress. Also, I can 100% echo the comments about pandemic babies getting a very different experience.

It sounds like you love your daughter and your granddaughter very, very much. In due course, and if you are gentle and constantly supportive you will get there. Next time, for example, you could ask what you can do to help, ask for a favourite recipe to prepare, tak about what activities are favourite etc, offer to babysit for an hour (you probably did this!) or take the baby to the park. Be aware your daughter may genuinely need to see things a few times before she is completely confident.

Just try to remember - affirmative and supportive of the parents approach is the only way (unless there is a real danger in what they are doing).

@JennieLee bless you. I feel for both of you. Your excitement to start building a relationship with your GD was dashed and you’re gutted. I think it will happen. You’re a bit ahead of your daughter in the transition to parenting in normal times instead of lockdown times.

I imagine having a lockdown baby has resulted in your daughter trying to control whatever she can in an uncontrollable situation, and she’s only just on the road to start relaxing : living more normally as a first time parent.

They visited you after all. That may have been a bigger step for them than you realise. And if she looks knackered then sleep is king - I would have kept to a rigid routine army style if it meant I got 6 hours sleep.

Disrupted routines often mean the parents picking up the pieces. Grandad reads gd a bedtime story. It throws the routine, GD then sleeps badly and parents are up and down like yo-yos all night and fecking exhausted, while grandparents along the corridor sleep blissfully unaware. The fear is real . It will settle, just give it time.

I think it's really odd behaviour, especially the food options your daughter bought with her. Her child is nearly 2, why are they still feeding her pouches?! She should've been eating meals for ages now, barring any medical issues that would prevent this.
I've lived away from my parents home town for the majority of the time I've had children, and so we've travelled to visit a lot, and I have never taken anywhere near this amount of stuff with me. They had toys and books that were kept at their house, a travel cot, not that anyone ever slept in it as it was was is to co-sleep. They've always just eaten whatever was available, but my Mum would ask if she needed to get anything specific in due to extra needs.
I also find the fact they just plonked their daughter down with a tablet ridiculous. She's 2, she doesn't need a screen! They should be embraced your reading books to her, and been grateful for the treats you bought her.

I’d be a bit twitchy about old mattress on a cot bed and bedding in case it’d been improperly stored. Easier to use the travel cot which doubled as a downstairs napping spot at home so they were used to it. I know you feel a bit upset but generally it’s better to be organised and not feel like you’re putting people out IMO.

Maybe better communication is needed. Why don’t you ask your dd for an idea of a good activity for you to prepare to do with your gd next time they come to visit.

Regarding the cot, if it's fairly old, then safety standards have changed, which is why they probably weren't keen to use it. The same would go for a highchair that was more than 10 years old.

I think OP has visited the family since she was born, but this was the first time they had been to her house.

Sounds strange OP, my two year old hasn't eaten pouches for a year. I don't have a tablet but if I did it would be used for situations like restaurants and waiting rooms, not at grandma's house when she is willing to play. I'd love it if my mum were to read a story to my 2 year old.

But everyone is different, don't think to deeply about it and don't take it personally. You have a close relationship and this aside, you all enjoyed the visit and got on well. That's all that matters really.

You have an undertone that's very critical of them. There are lots of reasons why things might not have been suitable:

1. a dirty cot from the attic won't work, they should have said they were bringing the travel cot though
2. serving food at the wrong times; my mum does this, I say DS needs to eat at 12 so she gets up at 12.15 to start making lunch and it might roll out around 1. I just had to bring him food or make him something separate myself until she finally realised the time actually matters; when you're used to being a bunch of adults it's hard to remember that little kids do best with a routine where food turns up at the expected time
3. unsuitable food; even though some children are not at all picky there are bits that just don't work at this age e.g. Leafy salad, bony fish, salt put in the eggs etc
4. wanting DD fed before the meal, so that she actually gets a chance to enjoy her food instead of looking after the toddler
5. toys, DVD and books suggested at the wrong time when DD is tired
6. most 2yo don't watch full films, they watch a few short songs.only, so the DVD may not be quite right at the moment
7. Toys that are not age appropriate.

If you want to spend time with them, then being critical probably won't help that. Try asking what she'd like to eat and what the routine is so that you can time your moments better.

The travel cot, my youngest would sleep in her travel cot anywhere. I would take it with us because it meant a decent nights sleep for everyone rather than risk the unfamiliarity of a strange cot and distressed toddler.

I think you've just forgotten that familiarity and routine is essential for most toddlers happiness and they wanted it to be a stress free pleasurable visit.

Visiting somewhere else to stay in so stressful with children that age. The sleep etc.

Might be easier for you to do things with the child when you visit them. Eg take for a walk for an hour etc

I sort of get the cot - I wouldn't expect GP to provide one so I'd take a travel cot but happily use ones in hotels etc. The food thing is weird, do they never eat out?

You don’t seem very receptive to the fact that guidance / advice has changed since your children were young. Your comment about the mattress “still being in good condition” shows that.

Do you know the current advice for salt in food, for example?

We’re you expecting to only read the book you bought to your Granddaughter? Do you buy her a new book / a new little toy when you go to visit her house?

Did you ask “what can we provide to save you bringing it?” And would you have faithfully followed the answer, or your own interpretation of it?

Hi OP, @User1367349 has written a great post and I mostly just want to echo it.

Your DD is not perfect, is making some anxious and over-controlling choices, BUT she has had a baby at the most challenging time for a generation, and she made the effort to come to see you and obviously wants you and GD to have a good relationship.

No one is perfect, so you fixating on what she's done that you consider unreasonable is not helpful.

Please be gentle, understanding and forgiving of your daughter. This way, with each visit she will likely be more and more relaxed, and soon you'll have the relationship with your GD that you dream of.

Conversely, if you express your criticism of her parenting this time, you're making it less likely that she'll visit, and more likely that she'll be stressed and anxious about your criticism when she does come. And that pushes you all further apart from each other.

Best of luck with it - FWIW I had a lockdown baby and have received none of your kindness and thoughtfulness from his grandparents! So I agree that your DD and GD are lucky to have you X

What is it like when you visit them @JennieLee, are you allowed to play with your GD with a toy or book that you’ve bought with you ?

I do feel for both of you.

As numerous pps have pointed out, your DD has had a baby in lockdown and so many things flow from that - increased anxiety about your baby generally, lack of experience visiting new places, not being used to accepting help. This was probably a really stressful weekend for your DD - wanting it all to go well and not knowing how her DD would cope.

On the cot - I am laid back but there is no way I’d have my child sleep on a mattress that had been in an attic. No matter how well aired. She might also have worried that her DD wouldn’t sleep well somewhere familiar and wanted to maximise chance that she would. She should have told you she was bringing a travel cot though.

On the food, as other pps have said, timing of meals is actually really critical for little ones - mine can have meltdowns if they are 10mins or so later than expected - and ime non parents just don’t realise the urgency sometimes! Maybe when you told her your timing for meals she realised it was going to be way too late for GD so cracked on.

On the food content, you sound quite critical about their choices. I’m sure that has come across and perhaps she wanted to avoid this. She may also have worried about the salt content of your food - given your attitude to the cot she may (rightly) be concerned you’re not as strict about modern parenting advice as they are. They may also have just wanted to do what’s easiest/avoid mess on their first visit.

I think the story, toy and DVD are less justifiable and I think it is sad that you weren’t able to read the story with her. Why didn’t you just start reading it? The only thing I can think of re the DVD is that my kids didn’t really watch tv at 2 and if they did only had the attention span for 5-10 mins at a time, so if it was a film it might have been too much for her.

I think the main thing is that you don’t convey any criticism to your DD at all if you want them to go back. Now you know about the cot you don’t need to bother with yours in future. Maybe you can build up slowly with the food - you could ask them if they’d like you to buy the pouches so they don’t have to bring them? Maybe you could all go to the park together but you offer to take her on the swings while your DD has a coffee in the park cafe? The way to win them over is to show them that you respect them as parents and take it slow.

I mean, are they okay? I think bringing absolutely everything and still feeding a nearly 2 year old baby foods/puree suggests needing control, perhaps to an odd level. Of course the child is theirs and some things like the cot I don't thinks too wild, but others do seem strange.

When we have gone to see them, we have mainly bought food and drink for everyone to share - asking first what sorts of contributions are welcome.

I'm aware how houses get cluttered and they have said they don't need more toys etc. They are well off and other relatives have given a great many things. (First grandchild on both sides of the family.)

I have knitted a couple of jumpers and they have been well received.

A small bath toy at Xmas was also a success.

On an earlier visit we also took a board book - containing a rhyme - we used to read to our grand daughter via Zoom, which she likes - and left it there for her to keep.

But on the grounds that the first book was popular, we bought a couple more similar books - again at Xmas - and this didn't seem to be wanted.

When visiting my sense is that my daughter and husband prefer to choose what toys and/or books are got out for our grand daughter rather than for us to suggest/introduce anything. There is usually either a slight unspoken irritation/weary tolerance or a suggestion that whatever we do is inappropriate. (This is absoutely not to do with winding up a child who is tired and needs a nap.)

Provided we do exactly as directed - no more and no less - all is well! The main thing is that we are not to show any initiative.

I think the cot thing is normal but she should have just said “ we are bringing a travel cot”.
The food thing, it could have just been as people mentioned, that toddler eats at earlier /set times, and sometimes grandparents forget that so the child would’ve been hungry way before lunch. In that case though as a parent I probably would have grabbed a bit of bread and butter for the toddler to gnaw on ( is that still ok it’s been a long time since I had a small one!?)
The toy/ dvd thing and the bedtime story is really sad. I mean, I know pp keep saying ooh it could get the child too excited, but honestly, going to see grandparents and finding it exciting and getting a bit giddy is really fun for them ( toddler and gps!) Getting a bit of a later night is not the end of the world and a bit of novelty, aside from the rigid routine is really good for developing resilience.
I do think ( based on friends with small children) that this latest batch of parents are a bit.. worried about upsetting the child, or dealing with any kind of negative fall out from change. Like, my friend shoved peppa pig on a phone in front of her 2 year old in the car because she doesn’t like the car and cries. It’s like this terror of any sort of tantrum or upset, but it’s not heathy in the long term.
I would find it a bit irritating but think just mention that you would really like to spend some time with go and leave it at that. You don’t the rigidness so no choice then to accept it!

They seem to be helicoptering on some things ...food, sleeping environment... and not on the amount of actual personal interaction. I see toddlers set down with tablets all the time and they know how to control them to go on to the next episode etc. In my opinion there's no suitable replacement for a proper bed time story. The ready made food all tastes so bland and similarly textured hat's why she's seemingly an adventurous eater at the moment. Once she is eating the same food as her parents and can taste the individual ingredients she won't have as wide a palate as you would expect.
You are being wonderful grandparents, you are thoughtful and supportive. Best of all you don't try to over rule your daughter. In time you will get to do so much more with your DGC, just keep on being patient.

When visiting my sense is that my daughter and husband prefer to choose what toys and/or books are got out for our grand daughter rather than for us to suggest/introduce anything.

I have some sympathy for this, especially if they don't live in a huge house. It is very, very easy to let toys and clutter take over the place. If you're feeling overwhelmed with clutter or need an organised tidy living-space to thrive, it's hard to feel grateful if a family member brings over yet more 'stuff', however well-received by the child. My DM asks in advance what DC would like for Christmas, which is lovely as we can then steer her towards gifts that we can find room for.

I think you are taking this really personally. I wont say I can't see where you're coming from at all, but remember from their POV all that matters is that baby is settled and the weekend is as smooth as possible. Taking control of practical things is one way to do this.
They have bought the baby to spend time with you, which is lovely, I can't imagine they thought for a second that you would get upset about them coming prepared...

I'm going to also say that critiquing and judging their parenting choices like this does not put you in the 'lovely caring grandparent' category other posters have put you in.
If you were my DM/DMIL and I found this thread, you would be seeing a lot less of me.

I don’t think it’s that weird, particularly bringing the travel cot and sleeping bag. If she is used to sleeping in a sleeping bag then switching to bedding for a few days likely wouldn’t go down well.

The pouches and baby snacks are probably just because they are away from home, you say she fed DD these before meals so she wasn’t hungry when everyone else sit down but usually toddler mealtimes are different to adults. My daughter eats lunch at 11:30!

Also putting on a dvd vs iPad means she needs to be in the living room whereas the ipad can be used when DD is getting a bit bored and tired and can stay in whatever took everyone else is in.

It’s easy to tell from your posts that you don’t really align with your daughters parenting style so that’s probably why she wants to just crack on with her own stuff and do things her own way.

My only thoughts on reading the OP and lots of replies is no wonder there are so many anxious children around.

The cot perfectly understandable, everything else just bizarre. It seems that no one wants their children to have meaningful relationships and different experiences anymore.