.. To Want To Do Something For/With My Grandchild

[JennieLee]

For various reasons - distance, Covid, daughter and son in law's jobs - till now my husband and I have always gone to see them, since our grand-daughter was born. GD is now getting on for two and for the first time the three of them visited us last weekend. We were pleased and excited.

What we found unexpected though was not being able to provide anything for our grand-daughter while she was there. Daughter and son in law had brought absolutely everything with them.

The cot we'd bought down and bedding aren't right. GD (granddaughter) is used to a different sort of cot and bedding. They'd come with their own travelcot and sleeping bag. (If they'd said that in advance, we'd not have got all the stuff down from the attic.)

The wide range of food we had was not suitable for her. (No allergies and GD is not a fussy eater) My daughter hd brought a huge variety of pouches and sachets containing various infant snacks and purees and baby cereal and fed her from these - usually just before a family meal, so she'd not be hungry for anything more.

Similarly we'd got in a DVD featuring a favourite cartoon character of hers and a picture book again about a creature my grand daughter likes. Also a simple toy for when we've been in the garden. But suggestions of reading the story, playing the DVD instead haven't found favour. Instead my daughter and son in law had downloaded some cartoons on a tablet, which can go on a stand. They've put this on a lot.

I should say that my daughter is actually very appreciative of me and her father in a lot of ways. She's said that she feels we were good parents and wants us to be involved with her daughter. We are in very regular contact - much more regular than before GD was born. . While our house is probably not quite as immaculate as hers, she know that we have a good grasp of food hygiene and that it's safe to eat with us. (She and her husband are happy to eat whatever we prepare.) She has encouraged us to move to the city where she lives, when we retire, saying it would be lovely to see us more often.

It was good to see all three of them.

But I was just conscious of a feeling of frustration about not being able to do much with/for our grand-daughter.

I do get that some routine, doing anything that will make it easy for a small child to settle in a strange place - for instance bringing one or two special familiar objects etc are important.

But it's was if my daughter and her husband felt the need to import absolutely everything, - so in that way our grand daughter - had a more limited experience of being with us than I had expected.

I'm left wondering how much of this is a generation gap thing? Is this just what a lot of parents do now?

I am certain you will be involved. But on their terms, not yours. Hopefully you won't be petulant about it.

Your fixating on purées sounds petty.

And I am also certain the little girl is absolutely fine, will grow up very loved. What a lucky girl.

The things they are doing and the helicopter parent thing seem at odds. Honestly I was a bit like that when DS was small even now (3.5) we don't allow tablets, cartoons on phones etc and he gets very limited screen time, none at all as a baby. He drinks milk or water, I would never have used prepared food or pouches, no added salt, sugar etc no processed foods, so when we went visiting I'd take food for him mainly home cooked meals I had batch cooked, so grandparents didn't have to worry about what he could or couldn't have. They've always been able to make him breakfast porridge with fruit or toast and eggs etc, lunches sandwiches or MIL quite often does a spread, home made bread, roasted chicken, crudités, home made quiches etc which he loves and there are always things he can eat, it took MIL a while to realise I have no issue with him having a little sugar from a piece of her homemade cake or biscuits but we don't give him haribo, Mr Kipling and wotsits etc, she likes now that he helps her bake and they share what they've made. I used to take food for dinners for him so they wouldn't have to jump through hoops to cater for him, but crikey if you're giving pouches and plonking the child in front of a tablet this isn't about unreasonable expectations or standards. You sound like a lovely grandmother not OTT, a book and a ball are great things to have for them at your house. The only thing I understand it's the cot, DS was a nightmare for sleeping and I wouldn't have risked a new bed at that age in case I got no sleep at all!

Interesting then that you didn’t mention any concern for those things in your original op. Just the things you wanted to do that weren’t appreciated.

Re your gc plenty of children eat purées and watch too much TV and some how survive. Maybe it’s because this things are familiar to what parenting was like when you did them it feels scary. Though you did say her parents report her being a good eater and trying a wide range of food so…..? I’d leave it to the health visitor to address these issues if they are of a concern. Though honestly none of them sound like anything significant or unusual

Re your daughter. Offer to baby sit or provide childcare so she can have a break. If she chooses not to take your offer then that’s her choice. She’s more likely to be comfortable with you caring for her child if she sees you respecting and following the choices she makes in parenting her child.

I totally understand there would be some sadness about tje visit not being completely to your expectations. It’s nice you want to do those things for you gc. However I wonder if the story from your daughters perspective might sound very different. She probably has her own perspective that informs why she acted the way she did regarding g the food/screen time etc.

I could say that I am concerned for my grand-daughter. In terms of development there are some areas which are likely to be flagged up in her two year check.
Development delays are not caused by children eating a different food, or not using an antique cot. Did you really think they might be.

If its any consolation, my kids love their grandparents even though they're elderly and don't read to them, get down on the floor and play with them. It's an adventure going there, talking to them and eating their lovely cooking! So please don't think you won't have a relationship as she gets older - just being there has been enough for mine to love theirs.
I did find it difficult taking a colicky baby to my mum's, she'd never experienced colic, nobody would hold him to give me a break and lots of comments made about me sticking to a routine. I knew if I didn't, he would scream for the next 4 hours! It can be stressful as a relatively new parent, you feel sensitive to people's opinions.

I think there are a lot of very defensive responses on here from parents of toddlers! I mean, of course OP is writing from her own perspective, so it’s “about her” that’s what people do! Look I had a very insanely controlling and boundary-less mother, so I am veeery tuned it to anything these really oversteps the line, but in this case I think the op has reason to be a bit sad and wish she and her husband were trusted a bit more.
I do think new parents can be a overly controlling and I totally agree with the poster who talked about community and the benefit of being able to let go and trust someone else sometimes, even if they do things a bit different.
I was quite protective over my kids ( see batshit mother above) but yes, I definitely allowed relatives to try and soothe my babies so I could eat. Also, this idea of equipment needed for a toddler? I genuinely don’t think they need any equipment, other than a cot and some small cutlery/ in breakable bowl/ sippy cup? What else is there? Most toddlers can have hours of fun with a big cardboard box .
You can’t tiptoe round children all the time in case change “ freaks them out” otherwise how on earth do they ever deal with anything?

If you’re so concerned about screen time why were you also disappointed she didn’t watch the DVD you’d chosen?

I was giving you the benefit of the doubt before but with every post it comes across more and more that you’re really just annoyed that your DD isn’t doing what YOU want. She will definitely be aware of this.

It's sad to see so many intolerant posts here. It's not much for a grandparent to ask. To play ball with their toddler grandchild or read them a story at any point over a weekends stay.

Considering how many posts there are on MN moaning about uninvolved GPs, I think it's perfectly okay for there to be a very rare account of a mum who won't even let her parents interact with her child at all unless it's with exactly the toy she allows and when she wants. OP is every bit as entitled to be sad about this as as another OP might be about her parents who never bother with their GCs.

There could be good reasons for any one of these episodes. The cot definitely. But taken together, this whole list of things that OP is not allowed to do, give the impression of over controlling parenting.

There seems to be a lot of projecting and knee jerk blaming of a loving grandmother, for having the most basic of hopes of interacting with her GC.

@saraclara

It's sad to see so many intolerant posts here. It's not much for a grandparent to ask. To play ball with their toddler grandchild or read them a story at any point over a weekends stay.

Considering how many posts there are on MN moaning about uninvolved GPs, I think it's perfectly okay for there to be a very rare account of a mum who won't even let her parents interact with her child at all unless it's with exactly the toy she allows and when she wants. OP is every bit as entitled to be sad about this as as another OP might be about her parents who never bother with their GCs.

There could be good reasons for any one of these episodes. The cot definitely. But taken together, this whole list of things that OP is not allowed to do, give the impression of over controlling parenting.

There seems to be a lot of projecting and knee jerk blaming of a loving grandmother, for having the most basic of hopes of interacting with her GC.

Yep ain’t that the truth! But grandparents never get a fair deal in mumsnet sadly. It’s a crime to want to spend time with the grandchildren, always viewed with deep suspicion! And of course Mils are seen as the devil incarnate!

But the op's post simply comes across as, "I want to do this. And her parents won't let me."

Perhaps there is more of a backstory. Perhaps the op hasn't done as the parents ask not with tiger child but in other respects too. Who knows?

Perhaps the mother is anxious. Whatever. It's entirely up the mother and father what they want and the gps just have to accept that.

And as for this community bringing up a child nostalgia, I'm not sure it exists at all and so what? because there are other ways to bring up children too.

Can you just give it some more time? 2yo is still very little, as GD gets older she will assert herself more. It sounds like you are warm and generous grandparents so GD will naturally form her own relationship with you in time.

It also sounds like you need to direct your support to your own DD rather than your GD. As she's juggling learning to parent her daughter, a demanding job and repeated illness. If you show her some extra TLC you might find she opens up to let you show that same care to your GD.

....You might think you already show her plenty of TLC (bringing meals etc). Consider how OTT you find her parenting and think that maybe she's craving that level of care for herself too.

Regarding purées… it’s interesting… it’s certainly not a problem to have them as part of their diet at aged two. Actually, a lot of parents buy or make them for their kids and use it as a good way of increasing the fruit or veg intake with fussy eaters. Anyone else still have soup for lunch themselves?

I was encouraged to do this by a registered dietician having not been than enthusiastic about purées from weaning.

@CorpusCallosum

Can you just give it some more time? 2yo is still very little, as GD gets older she will assert herself more. It sounds like you are warm and generous grandparents so GD will naturally form her own relationship with you in time.

It also sounds like you need to direct your support to your own DD rather than your GD. As she's juggling learning to parent her daughter, a demanding job and repeated illness. If you show her some extra TLC you might find she opens up to let you show that same care to your GD.

....You might think you already show her plenty of TLC (bringing meals etc). Consider how OTT you find her parenting and think that maybe she's craving that level of care for herself too.

This is amazing advice.

Try not to let your worry about your GC’s development get in the way of supporting and loving your own child. There’s basically no evidence for early milestones being predictors of anything at all in the long run except at the very extreme end of spectrum of normal child development.

I think there was somewhere between 2-3 hours screen time for her with the tablet on each of the two main days of the visit. It seemed quite a lot to me.

I'd bought one 25 minute DVD of a story I know she enjoys because my daughter streamed it on our last visit to home. I had thought there might be an opportunity to watch it together.

The other DVD about an hour long - featured the character who was in all the stuff downloaded on the tablet.

I hadn't really sussed that his parents might download stuff on a tablet and - as we don't have streaming services other than iPlayer - had thought a DVD featuring her favourite character might be soothing if she wanted to do something quiet at any point.

I think there's not a lot one can do to support an adult child who is shattered but is very concerned to make it clear she is fine, coping, in control etc. Wait with fingers crossed perhaps. And stay in touch.

I suppose I'd thought supporting/relating to a small child might be easier. But that too has its complications.

It's all a learning experience.

Tv time is very different in new environments. I imagine your daughter wanted to try and relax and catch up with you both so thought the iPad would help.

Ds hardly watches tv, he’s spent the last week outside almost all day. But I guarantee if I went to family they probably wouldn’t want to spend 10hrs a day outside, and they don’t have the normal indoor entertainment he’s used to, so I would take iPad as back up in case.
Although he would be happy with the ball in your garden as long as someone ran around with him all day. Then second you want to sit down he would be bored

YANBU. They are being very ‘precious first born’ and unless there is a massive backstory frankly quite weird about sticking a tablet on rather than lettering you play with your GC. I can understand the cot/bedding but less so the food and gifts.
You sound very sensitive (perhaps too much) of not upsetting your DC. In any case You’re probably right to just let things go. They will likely get more relaxed as parents as their child gets older and can more freely express their own interests. Good luck.

A lot of this does sound normal, or at least easily explained. I wouldn't have let my baby sleep in an old cot (the baby bank won't accept cots over 8 years old for instance) as may not be up to safety standards. And an old mattress that's been kept in the loft is a big no - there's a huge emphasis now on new mattress for each new baby. I bought a travelcot and mattress to have at my Mum's.

The food thing - do they normally eat earlier with her? A lot of kids that age eat very early - DD's nursery dishes up lunch at about 11.30 and tea at about 4.30pm so she may be used to eating a lot earlier? We were more flexible about it at home and ate later but I know a lot of other parents that do do meals earlier.

I was rather wary of what my Mum was cooking for DD. She has an obsession with 'proper puddings' so was forever making sugary rice puddings and sponges with custards for her which is unnecessary all the time (we'd do this maybe once a week at home and have yogurt or fruit the rest of the time). And adding lots of salt to main course stuff which is a big no for a small child.

But I also remember knowing I wanted at least the possibility of a decent night's sleep whilst travelling and that's more likely if DD had eaten as normal etc so maybe a confidence thing about travelling?

Re the food - is it possible that your daughter wanted your grandaughter fed so that she could sit down and relax over a meal rather than trying to juggle feeding a toddle and eating herself? I always tried to get something into mine before a 'big meal' with interesting people as otherwise they would be too distracted to eat and I would then spend my whole lunch-time trying to coax food into them.

Re the cot - I am having an uncertain moment about using a brand new mattress that has never been slept on that we have stored in a proper mattress bag in the loft, so I can certainly understand her reservations about the suggested sleeping arrangements, although it might seem excessive to you.

I think it is probably just going to take some time to get used to being together as an extended family since the wierdness of the last two years - I would give it a couple more visits and see if things relax before assuming there's a problem.

I also think your comments about your granddaughter's development are potentially a source of friction - you only mention observations about their parenting, not about the impact on your grandaughter. To me, that suggests that you are judging your daughter quite negatively despite knowing that what you are seeing is probably nowhere near their normal rotine since they are staying away with you. What impact do you think the purees and screen time etc are actually having on your gradndaughter that would be flagged at her 2 year check?

I was with you till your last 2 posts and now I see why you daughter is trying to qmake the boundaries clear, no a second hand cot from the loft isn't good enough, sids has made it clear that a new mattress needs to be used for each child in a family or not, washing isn't good enough. Times have moved on your daughter is right. You've said your home isn't the cleanest, maybe they are ok to eat your food doesn't mean they want a baby fed it, they made it clear they are happy giving pouches you don't know why they have chosen that route so keep your nose out. You wanted to do a dvd, you wanted to do a story, you wanted to dictate the routine, you are worried for your daughter and now the child who you don't feel is advanced enough compared to her peers, how often have you observed her with her peers and you don't think her mother would be aware of any issues, BACK OFF! She's the mum, she gets to set the bedtime routine, what she feeds, where she sleeps. And you're suprised she's stayed at her own home, I expect she will keep doing that till she feels like you aren't pushing her boundaries.

@HiJenny35

I was with you till your last 2 posts and now I see why you daughter is trying to qmake the boundaries clear, no a second hand cot from the loft isn't good enough, sids has made it clear that a new mattress needs to be used for each child in a family or not, washing isn't good enough. Times have moved on your daughter is right. You've said your home isn't the cleanest, maybe they are ok to eat your food doesn't mean they want a baby fed it, they made it clear they are happy giving pouches you don't know why they have chosen that route so keep your nose out. You wanted to do a dvd, you wanted to do a story, you wanted to dictate the routine, you are worried for your daughter and now the child who you don't feel is advanced enough compared to her peers, how often have you observed her with her peers and you don't think her mother would be aware of any issues, BACK OFF! She's the mum, she gets to set the bedtime routine, what she feeds, where she sleeps. And you're suprised she's stayed at her own home, I expect she will keep doing that till she feels like you aren't pushing her boundaries.

Honestly I agree with this.

You wanted to do a dvd, you wanted to do a story, you wanted to dictate the routine,

For goodness' sake, OP didn't want to dictate anything. She offered a DVD, it was rejected. They offered a story, it was rejected. The mum didn't want the little one to play with the ball they bought.
At none of those points did OP demand or dictate anything.

My two year old DGD was visiting today. I wanted to engage with her so I made lots of books, toys and activities available and invited her to do lots of things. None of those things were dictated by me, and I wasn't prevented from offering any of those things. I can't see that OP has behaved any differently from the way I did.

She's not criticised her DD and SIL's parenting anywhere but on an anonymous forum. Just like hundreds of posters get complaints or worries about their family members off their chest on MN every single day.

I cannot believe how many people are defending your dd's over-controlled hyperparenting. My mum loved picking out things for our dc to use at her house, booster seats and books and cute little cutlery. She made her special foods for our dc that they still (now teens) remember fondly. She fed our eldest her first ever ice cream - it was lovely. Read them her favourite books from her childhood. I would not have dreamed of interfering with her feeding them her special spaghetti sauce or rice pudding. And I got to put my feet up and drink tea while she and my Dad sorted bathtime.

I totally understand why you feel disappointed.

I could say that I am concerned for my grand-daughter. In terms of development there are some areas which are likely to be flagged up in her two year check. I think there are some aspects of the very loving, protective way in which she is being parented, which may not be helping - eating purees, being spoonfed, having a lot of screentime and, rather less interactive play etc. She is a lovely girl and I am very glad she has entered all our lives. But my sense is that - for one reason or another - she rather lags behind her peers.

Is this your sense because you are not being involved as much as you thought you would be or think you should be? It sounds more like you’re questioning their parenting because you’re not getting a say or the involvement you expected/wanted and they are parenting differently than you would which they can since it is their child.

Could it also be that your daughter and son-in-law have a routine they stick to and don’t want to be a bother? It’s one thing when you have your child in your own home but when they are in someone else’s (even a close family member), it can put some parents on edge with worry on how their child will react since some struggle in sleeping in new places or with broken routine.

You have years to build a bond with your granddaughter. She’s not even 2 yet. Her main focus is going to be her parents. My youngest cried every time my MIL held him or when she would take him for a walk where he would then cry himself to sleep. He was a happy, smiley baby yet for some reason he didn’t take to her the first 2.5 years. He’s a happy, energetic, very verbal 4 yo who now asks “Where’s grandma? Where is she? Why isn’t she here? Where did she go? We’re going to grandmas’s house.” Then starts the calls for grandma.. grandma. Give it time. It’s not unreasonable to be disappointed but it is unreasonable to expect as much involvement or say at this age. Focus more on your daughter and be there for her when she is ready. The rest will likely come later.

I can see both sides here. I have one the same age and an older one who's nearly 4. My mum lives far enough away that we have to stay over if we visit.

First of all the old cot and the old mattress is an absolute no. I wouldn't particularly fancy it for myself tbh, never mind my DC, and I'm very relaxed on hygiene. The fact that multiple posters have told you this is completely against all current guidelines but you haven't seemed to take that on board is ringing alarm bells tbh.

Sleep is sacred. Both of mine can be bad sleepers and even more so when we're away. We're exhausted. Dealing with sleepless nights or a bad bedtime in someone else's house with an audience is just awful, I hate it. And I'm not exactly in a place where I'm brimming with confidence or patience these days. So yes they need the familiar cot and sleeping bag, and no granda can't read a bedtime story because if that goes wrong then it could add an hour or two to the day that they just don't have the energy or patience for.

Similar with the food - are you sure the purees are the norm at home? Might they just have gone with them for ease while away to avoid a battle over dinner or a hangry toddler?

The problem with going away is that I work a full week, then we have to pack everything up, do the drive (tense wondering if someone's going to be car sick today), do the weekend in someone else's house, then pack it all up to do it on reverse. Then we get home and everything needs to be unpacked, none of the usual weekend chores have been done, the fridge is empty, the laundry basket overflowing and oh look, it's Monday morning again. I can only face it so often (and we have a lovely relaxed time at my mum's once we're actually there).

If your daughter is going to make the trip often, you need to make it as easy as possible for her and be as supportive as you can. So next time, ask what food you can get in, ask her to send you an exact list and promise you'll buy exactly what she needs and let her know what you can't get.

As others have said, it's been a very rough time for first time parents. They've really missed out on community and seeing other similar aged children and what they're doing (feeding themselves proper solid food for example!). But also, I'm surprised you can confidently say your granddaughter is behind in her milestones. There's only two years between my DC and I have to go back and check photos to compare if the youngest is at a similar stage to the eldest at the same age. Presumably your DC are adults, do you really spend enough time with small children to know what's typical at 18 Vs 21 Vs 24 months? They come on so quickly at this age.

Your daughter has been unreasonable in lots of ways (of course you should've been allowed play with the ball, and granda should've been allowed read a story when it wasn't bedtime), but what I'm trying to get at here is that it would be wise to cut her an enormous amount of slack and be her greatest support.

But also, I'm surprised you can confidently say your granddaughter is behind in her milestones. There's only two years between my DC and I have to go back and check photos to compare if the youngest is at a similar stage to the eldest at the same age. Presumably your DC are adults, do you really spend enough time with small children to know what's typical at 18 Vs 21 Vs 24 months? They come on so quickly at this age.

Apart from this thing called the internet, where it's the easiest thing in the world to find out exactly what the milestones are, some GPs actually know this stuff, either because of the nature of their work, or simply because they DO remember what their kids were doing when, or they see other children of that age.