That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

[Fiehc]

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

Ask your DC for Jo's dad's number & message asking if he can help. Or Jo if you know their number.

It’s hard trying to schedule with someone via a third party, I get your frustration.

Would it fit in a mini bus type taxi? If so could it be an option to book one of them to bring you home with it? I always found them happy to do that around here.

At the risk of sounding harsh, I don't understand why you ordered the item without a proper plan to get it home. It happened that your son has a friend who has a dad with a van but that could easily not have been the case. I get your frustration but if you're asking someone you don't know for a favour, you're obviously going to have to work to their timetable.

I don't think it's anything to do with being self sufficient.

Tbh I’m in the same situation and I wouldn’t ask someone I hadn’t met or didn’t know well for a favour I’m guessing it’s from ikea?

Jo has already sent at least one message asking the dad, if I then messaged or got DC to (who has the dad's number) I'd feel like we were harassing him. He might have the message and thought yes fine and he'll sort the detail out at the weekend. Or he mightve thought 'no chance'. I don't want to fall into the trap of assuming the former then it's Sunday, I've still heard nothing and it's too late to sort anything else out including carrying it home 😔

I've not seen minibus type taxis round here (though that's not to say there aren't any) although the item is 6x6 so I'm not sure if it would fit anyway?

I think you need to look for "man with a van" collection/delivery services near you.

You could phone this guy first, be really nice and explain that you need it by Monday, but I suspect getting it delivered is going to cost you £40.

But you ordered it not knowing how you'd collect it. You're relying on your Dcs, friends dad who has never met you and certainly isn't obliged to help even if they are able. It not like you've asked a friend and they've let you down.

You could try asking on a local fb selling page often van owners help with collections onthere.

There are online services where you post your job (pick up location, end destination, size/weight/value of item) and companies will put up how much they'd charge. Usually gets cheaper as the responses come in. You then choose which suits you. I've done it with a chest of drawers I bought on ebay.

I think the problem is the one time you've asked for help you've done it indirectly and asked someone you've never met.

It's best, when asking for help, to do it directly and start with people who you know well.

I've not ordered the item. I arranged someone to do the work, he told me what to get and where from. I thought there'd be an option for delivery, there wasn't. I know free delivery isn't always provided by stores but there's no delivery at all. I tried other retailers locally and none of them deliver even a paid delivery except for one who is charging significantly more.

I'd happily pay £20 for delivery, it's not an option with this store or others. I'd give Jo's dad £20 for his time, I'm not expecting it for free.

It's just the uncertainty that is worrying me me.

I’d pay £40 for delivery at this point.

Teenage kids will often not think through the detail of stuff and just assume that things wouldn't be inconvenient. His dad might think why on earth would I go and pick something up for someone I've never met at the weekend when I have other commitments?

Pay for the delivery?

It's a bit unreasonable to say this is why you never ask for help when the person you've asked you don't know and it's not come from you directly

I voted yabu because of the 'female helpless bit'. People have asked for help and you look down them because you are so self sufficient it. As though it makes you better.

Yet, haven't googled 'man with a van' in your area and arranged it. Just sat getting frustrated because someone you don't know won't commit either way.

@DDivaStar

But you ordered it not knowing how you'd collect it. You're relying on your Dcs, friends dad who has never met you and certainly isn't obliged to help even if they are able. It not like you've asked a friend and they've let you down.

You could try asking on a local fb selling page often van owners help with collections onthere.

This ^

Why isn’t the tradesperson supplying it?

What a lot of fuss! I can't believe what I'm reading. Such a dramatic thread title and paragraphs of martyrdom.

In your case I would put a message on the face book local pages and say what you need and how much you can pay.
People seem to rally round when there is a specific request and everything is up front eg time needed and how much you will pay.

Surely it would have been better to just go with the more expensive option that included delivery and saved all this hassle. You're not saving yourself much in the long run.

@A580Hojas

What a lot of fuss! I can't believe what I'm reading. Such a dramatic thread title and paragraphs of martyrdom.

🤣🤣

Phone a taxi firm. Some have drivers with estate type cars.

You'll just have to pay the delivery or text the man yourself to relieve your stress.

Just pay the extra £20 on top of what you would have given this dad and get it delivered.

Ask a neighbour or tie it on the roof of your car. Or stick it out the back for the sake of two miles

Or ...put the worker off for another week or so until you can organise a lift or come up with the extra £20.

Think those are your only options

Honestly, just ask on the local FB page. This happens all the time on mine and there's always a few people who respond with offers to help.