That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

[Fiehc]

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

Put a shout out on Facebook, local site. Will be a local man with a van, shouldn't cost £50, that one is probably further away so has calculated his travel from his house, so ask for someone more local and recommendations. I also thing B & a hir vans by the hour, so have a look there also.

@Turningpurple

I voted yabu because of the 'female helpless bit'. People have asked for help and you look down them because you are so self sufficient it. As though it makes you better.

Yet, haven't googled 'man with a van' in your area and arranged it. Just sat getting frustrated because someone you don't know won't commit either way.

Did you not read my OP? I've said man with van services here are a minimum of £50. I know because I've made enquiries of them before for other items.

I agree with PP - pay the additional £20 to get it delivered, ie £20 over what you'd mentally paid out to your son's friend's dad.

You know you can't 'cash in' all those years when you had to get by. Lovely though that'd be.

I'm curious as to what is 6 feet by 6 feet and not portable by car.

You know nothing about this Joes dad, his timetable , if he was even listening when his son gave him some message about helping the mum of a friend collect something, based on experience with my husbands i'd say he wasn't. So while I get you are clearly uneasy about asking favors, you haven't actually asked him, so just get the dads number and send him a message , just say you don't want to hassle him and wouldn't ask but you are stuck, that joe said he may be able to help, but you don't know if joe passed message on , say if he cannot help just ignore the message but you need specify size collected on y date at z time, would he be able to help as you understand he has a big van,

Do you have Zipvan near you? That might be the cheapest solution.

Yabu to think that you can draw conclusions about the only alternative to complete self sufficiency from your teenager’s teenage friend’s dad whom you don’t know from Adam.
Most people ask favours from and do favours for people they’ve at least met.

"I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit"

You gained my U vote from this.
Such nonsense
Just because you did it all on your own doesn't meant other women are" doing the helpless female bit ". They are just asking for help. Which is .... n o r m a l.

Of course everyone could do allll their stuff themselves like you did. But asking for help isn't weak. It is smart.

Just ask the dads number allright. Or let it go and hire a van. Simple

Around my way you can hire a van per hour (like £11 or something). It’s called Zip Van.

That’s how I’ve always sorted bulky items.

Are you on the Next-door app for your area? Lots of kind people willing to help or put you in the direction of someone who can.

B&Q hire out vans

I'd put it back in the court of the person who needs it. Tell them it is bought and aid for and they can collect when convenient

If you ever do decide to ask for help again, it's probably better for you to get the contact details of the third party yourself and contact them directly rather than leaving it to a go between. Then you would have certainty over the arrangements.

I actually don't think it's too late to contact Jo's dad, explain who you are and to ask for clarification if he can help you or not.

If he can't do it, then if it's not too late, arrange delivery and you'll just have to absorb the cost.

Hire a van by the hour. It’s about £20 and job is done.

It’s not Joe’s dad’s problem and he doesn’t even know you so I wouldn’t wait around expecting a stranger to help. Just order it from the retailer who would charge £40 extra and deliver it, or pay a man with a van to do it.

What’s wrong with asking for help of the other party is willing?

Why don’t to ask Jo’s dad? What’s the worst that can happen ?

If he says no pay the £40. Think of the cost of the item as £100, not £60. The cost of the item delivered to your house of £100, it’s only £60 if it stays in the shop, which is pretty useless for you.

I also prickled at the ‘helpless female’ comment. It’s ok to ask for help.

Personally I’d get his number and give him a call to find out either way. If the answer is no, pay for delivery and pass the cost onto the person you’ve ordered it for.

Can you not drop your back seats of your car and drive the 2 miles home with your boot open and the item tied down? Or would it still be too big for your car?

@CrotchetyQuaver

I think you need to look for "man with a van" collection/delivery services near you. You could phone this guy first, be really nice and explain that you need it by Monday, but I suspect getting it delivered is going to cost you £40.

This

I'm a bit at the op whinging about the helpless females asking for help whilst currently whinging about asking someone for help

The hatch of my car is too small to fit it through, so flattening seats etc doesn't help.

There are no van hire places locally which offer hire by the hour (I'd only need an hour at most), you have to hire for the day which is £80 or so.

I appreciate it's 'only £40' but that's not an insignificant sum to me.

Have you asked the tradesperson doing the job if they are able to collect?

Can the person doing the work collect it?

The helpless females asking for help we're probably just swapping favours? Eg sometimes I'll put a WhatsApp out to see if someone can give my kid a lift but equally I'll reply to one another day and collect someone else's kid.

I also think you should put this responsibility back onto the tradesperson if possible.

Our local B&Q hires vans by the hour - two hours tomorrow is £25.

could that be an option?

Assuming Jo actually has asked his dad then no answer is your answer.