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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

287 replies

Fiehc · 25/03/2022 12:40

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

OP posts:
Getoff · 27/03/2022 12:59

Anyway she's got an item that is her responsibility and doesn't have the means to get it.

Everything in that sentence following "anyway" is false, as you'd know if you'd read the post you were actually quoting!

Getoff · 27/03/2022 13:01

The post was literally complaining that both allegations you have just repeated were false!

jeremyjamjam · 27/03/2022 13:08

I don't understand this bit from your OP;

"I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient"

I've seen threads on MN before where the OP has been horrified that parents would dare to ask fellow parents to help with pick ups etc as they were stuck in traffic, needed to work a bit later etc. As someone has already said, it's just bloody martyrdom.
Your dilemma now OP isn't anything to do with you never asking for help before, but it's nice that you got that in to the OP so people can see how morally superior you are.

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 27/03/2022 13:12

Ffs people. OP isn't "expecting" any one to help. She just wants an answer from Jos dad - yes or no. It's quite simple. Arguing about prices of stuff won't help. She just wants an answer so she can make another plan if needed.

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 13:14

@AlbusSeverusMalfoy

Ffs people. OP isn't "expecting" any one to help. She just wants an answer from Jos dad - yes or no. It's quite simple. Arguing about prices of stuff won't help. She just wants an answer so she can make another plan if needed.
She is not entitled to an answer from this poor bloke, its nothing to do with him, he is not obliged to engage with her at all.

Even if he definitely knows about it and despite OP saying he does, she has no way of knowing.

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 27/03/2022 13:24

No she's not entitled to an answer you're right, but that's all she wants. And might not get one. In her OP she stated other reasons for not wanting to hire vans or that the person doing the work doesn't drive so I don't understand why people don't read her thread. Op just wanted to let off some steam and have a rant, as we all do, but people twist shit and don't read things. So no, not entitled to an answer but would like one.

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 13:35

Ive read the whole thread and on one has twisted anything

She is feeling all sorry for herself and linking this with a complete stranger - for choices that she herself has made. And felt the need to pepper the OP with references to 'helpless women' in some superior mode.

HELLITHURT · 27/03/2022 13:37

@AlbusSeverusMalfoy

No she's not entitled to an answer you're right, but that's all she wants. And might not get one. In her OP she stated other reasons for not wanting to hire vans or that the person doing the work doesn't drive so I don't understand why people don't read her thread. Op just wanted to let off some steam and have a rant, as we all do, but people twist shit and don't read things. So no, not entitled to an answer but would like one.
How has it been twisted? She should never have relied on someone who hasn't said yes, he hadn't let anyone down and OP hadn't been let down because she never had an agreement with the pertain that actually could help.

Had the dad said yes, then not turned up, then she would've been let down.

UniversalDramatic · 27/03/2022 13:48

It really is the method of asking that's failed. Really, Jo asking his dad if it was OK to pass his number to the OP, so she could ask a favour, would have been the sensible thing to do.
The text sent sounds like it has potential to lack clarity and might come across a bit presumptuous, which of course would not be what the OP intended.
Hindsight is 20/20 🤷‍♀️

EddyF · 27/03/2022 17:52

@Getoff

So you ordered sone that by you can't afford!

Is this the new "cancel the cheque"? She's said about a thousand times that she hasn't ordered it, and she has said she has a free option to get it home. It's just not a very convenient option.

Repeating the same false accusations after they've been rebutted amounts to unintentional bullying, when you consider the victims perspective.

Anyway, my verdict is that OP is unreasonable. I would never ask for a favour from someone I don't know.

The way to handle this is to get the son to help carry, the son can potentially rope in his friend for the walk, the friend might (or might not) choose to rope in the dad, but there's no way the dad should be indirectly asked by OP.

Thank goodness you’ve said this. It’s like people deliberately don’t read and make up completely different scenarios to put the boot in. I notice this every time on Mumsnet that reading comprehension is extremely low. It’s pathetic. They’re so eager to reply to the thread and end up missing the OP’s explanations. It’s maddening because it happens so frequently on here!
EddyF · 27/03/2022 17:55

OP, it might also help to say what area you’re in. If London, I may be able to help…well my brother, lol (no cost).

esloquehay · 27/03/2022 18:40

RTFT and can conclude that OP has never asked for help, as soooooooooo self-sufficient, but that she has done sooooooooo much to help others.

Original poster
Fiehc · 27/03/2022 19:08

Actually I have done plenty to help others thanks, and not only have I never asked for help, occasions when it's been offered (and I've declined) are as rare as hen's teeth. That's life - my parents had a similar experience before I was born and that's why they took such pains to drum into me that really there is no one you can rely on, other than yourself and immediate family.

The fact is certain posters have taken umbrage at my OP, or made up their own versions of events, and are like dogs with a bone. It makes me laugh that so many people are saying oh if you'd asked yourself you would have got a different response, or you'd have been entitled to feel a bit irritated about the lack of reply. When the fact is none of you know that - and based on my experiences, it's pretty typical for someone I know (including once or twice my DC on behalf of their friends) to approach me on behalf of a third party if I can help them with something work related, or assist with translation or whatever. I can think of several of those occasions, but I can't think of one where the person I don't know has contacted me directly. So based on those experiences, it would have been very odd to approach Jo's dad directly. Not least because I would have had to ask DC to get Jo to give the number in the first place. Allowing Jo to ask seemed less involved and more straightforward.

I'm annoyed because being self reliant is hard. If you have lots of family who are on tap, or friends who rally round, you won't have a bloody clue exactly how hard it is. I've literally only ever had my parents I could rely on, and I've not had them for 20 odd years. I've managed everything myself because I've had to. Got myself out of a violent relationship - no one was cheerleading for me there, not one person lifted a finger, zero support or interest. Brought up my children, ditto. This is one occasion in years where I've not had an immediate solution and made the mistake of factoring in someone else. And it isn't the lack of help as such, it's the lack of reply. It's being on someone else's timescale, having to wait around and not be able to make other arrangements until they've responded or you give up waiting.

And this is a hard weekend for me, Mother's Day is painful. It's why I don't have social media any more because I can't bear people's boastful smugness and insensitivity. That's a different thread of course. But it's why I am probably more annoyed and upset by this (to the point I've been in tears) than I might have been at other times of the year.

OP posts:
PenguinPup · 27/03/2022 19:10

I hear you @Fiehc Flowers sorry you're having such a hard time, especially today x

DaffTheDoggo · 27/03/2022 19:12

OP, in your shoes I’d just hide this thread now. The endless replies from people who haven’t read your posts or have misread them must be driving you crazy. Hope you work something out.

Lilac57 · 28/03/2022 13:21

You need to find a different tradesperson, someone who has a van so can also supply the needed materials. Once you realised the tradesperson you have lined up wasn't correct, that you couldn't get the item delivered for a reasonable price as they suggested, that's when you say "sorry, you can't provide the service I need, I'll need to go with someone else". That's perfectly reasonable, as they were incorrect, you can't actually proceed with the job.

Original poster
Fiehc · 28/03/2022 15:11

It really isn't as easy as 'finding another tradesperson' . You're lucky if you can find one person to do the work, let alone a different one. If you'd bothered to read my previous posts, you'd have seen I contacted LOTS of tradespeople, and this person was the only one who responded. Hobson's Choice. Plus it's not uncommon here to supply your own materials, of different tradespeople I've used in the last few years those with large vans were in the minority (even more so now due to petrol prices I expect) and most had small Corsa size vans, or normal cars. So wouldn't have been able to assist in this situation either.

If it was as simple as picking one of multiple other tradespeople (who as well as being immediately available to do the work, also had a vehicle big enough to transport this item) then of course I would have explored that option :)

As matters stand, I have luckily managed to negotiate a cheaper price with a local man with van service, and DC has agreed to pay this after the whole debacle with Jo's dad (who it turns out had the message all along but hadn't bothered to reply because he's not good with technology Hmm, and can't help anyways as he's lent his van out for the next few weeks).

So the situation is at least resolved which is a relief. Thank you to all the posters who did respond with kindness and constructive comments, it is appreciated. I am conscious that the timing of this issue at this point in the year hasn't helped matters.

OP posts:
FleeceNavidadfromtheSheep · 28/03/2022 15:23

Curious as to why your DC is having to pay for the delivery?

ReadyToMoveIt · 28/03/2022 16:13

Why on earth is your child paying for it??

Ilostit · 28/03/2022 16:16

Why is your DC paying? Bit concerned about a lot of your ‘logic’ in life OP!

UniversalDramatic · 28/03/2022 16:20

The OPs son is 21, its not like she's raiding his piggy bank ffs

I'm glad it's sorted.

Original poster
Fiehc · 28/03/2022 16:42

My DC offered to pay it, having seen how much stress the situation had caused and yes, 21, not a child so no need for any outrage. We don't usually celebrate Mothers Day (for reasons mentioned earlier) so this could also be viewed as in lieu of any gift for that.

OP posts:
FleeceNavidadfromtheSheep · 28/03/2022 17:15

Ok. Seems rather unfair that you caused the problem, he tried to help but ultimately it was beyond his control, but he is paying.

Anyway, did you get it delivered?

bellac11 · 28/03/2022 18:02

'hadnt bothered to reply'

'rolling eyes'

My god, you have an attitude and entitlement problem and allowing your son to pay in the end because of the 'debacle'

Yes you really are self sufficient

Original poster
Fiehc · 28/03/2022 19:56

I didn't cause the problem. However it is now thankfully resolved.

Attitude and entitlement problem? Haha. Sure Jan 🙂

OP posts: