That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

[Fiehc]

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

The first time you ask for a favour … you asked someone you don’t even know?

That’s odd. You ask got favours from people that actually know and care about you.

He’s probably busy, working and you getting the item isn’t going to be a priority on his list.

Pay for the delivery.

It’s your choice. Being harsh.

Man with a van.

Single parent here

You want something you can’t have due to logistics

I have encountered this many times as a single parent

I accept it’s a consequence of my circumstance. I don’t blame anyone else.

Bloody hell
Just re read
Talk about catastrophising

ONE person hasn’t responded to a message from your son
And you’re this deflated?

* I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient. *

And there we have it

You didn’t do it for others
But because you never asked yourself
You think you are still owed

Is there any packaging you could remove so the item would fit in your car?

Gosh, I’ve just asked my friend to pick my elder DC’s up from school and drop them back here (she passes our house) as my toddler is unwell and I’d rather not drag him out. She often asks for similar favours from me. I didn’t realise that made us ‘helpless females’.
The think about asking for help is that usually people ask people they know. They also tend to reciprocate. So it’s a completely different scenario to yours.
I hope you manage to get your item.

Sorry OP, I think you're being unreasonable too.

You want the item but not to pay for the delivery in any sense - from the more expensive store/van hire/man with a van etc - but you never had any plan to get the item home? Unless a man who you don't know and who you also weren't originally factoring in does you a favour?

In your shoes I'd have purchased from the more expensive store which does delivery straight away, it really was the best option.

I'm going to guess a fence panel or two? In which case if your dc is up for it I'd see if you can borrow a sac barrow or similar and just walk it!

Was all the bitter martyr like dialogue really necessary OP? The fact is that most ‘helpless females’ don’t expect complete strangers to jump to their aid at a moments/few days notice, and without even an offer of money for their services.

Op you sneer at women behaving perfectly normally normally asking for help in school WhatsApp groups then you are here expecting far too much from from stranger.

This man doesn't know you and yoi haven't even asked him yourself! Just get his number call him offer him 20 quid and job done.

This is not a normal way to ask for help so it has no bearing on whether friends would usually help you.

That is a big ask. Are you intending to pay this person. If not I think its quite cheeky to ask. You don't even know him.

I would ask the people doing the work if they can pick it up, we don't have a car and have usually found tradesmen are perfectly happy to do it, sometimes they charge a bit extra but it's usually not as much as getting a man with van etc

Would it fit on the roof of your car?

Re check the van rental. Ds rented one for £24 a day from Enterprise.
We are going to rent one again for some couch moving.

"Jo has already sent at least one message asking the dad, if I then messaged or got DC to (who has the dad's number) I'd feel like we were harassing him. He might have the message and thought yes fine and he'll sort the detail out at the weekend. Or he mightve thought 'no chance'. I don't want to fall into the trap of assuming the former then it's Sunday, I've still heard nothing and it's too late to sort anything else out including carrying it home"

First I want to caveat the below by saying i am in the exact situation you describe in your first post. (single mum of DC no car no local family etc).
I totally relate to your approach of always doing stuff independently /public transport/not asking for favours etc.
It is really awkward and even when my DC's friends parents offer willingly lifts etc to my kids (not out of their way, its usually their own kids going or returning from somewhere too etc) it still feels awkward that I cannot reciprocate with lifts etc.

But reading the above, I really think this is one of those situations where you as the adult who wants this thing needs to reach out directly to your child's friends Dad both to introduce yourself and to ask the favour. You might have to couch it in terms of "i know i dont know you and I know this is a massive ask and you might not be able to do it and if you cannot no worries I understand, but....... [etc]"
and then you need to be fully prepared for the Dad to say "no I cannot do it for x y z reason" etc and you need to leave it there. Not question the explanation and not feel hard done-by if he says no. You could try to offer this Dad the cost of the petrol if that is going to be cheaper than paying a professional delivery driver etc.

And from what you have said if i was in your shoes i would be contacting the Dad in this way asap to ask him this - because at least then you know where you stand in good time before the day in question. And ask I say if he does say no I don't think you can justifiably feel resentful of him.
You can feel stressed and pissed off that in your experience people do not help single parents who do not have their own car/transport etc - that has also been my lived experience. But I dont think you can blame any particular person for you feeling that way. Good luck - I hope he does this favour for you!

YABU sorry. My step dad has a van and he's forever getting asked to do favours for people collecting things. It may be the only time you've asked for a favour, but he's probably constantly being asked.
I'd probably but a post on my local Facebook group offering £20 cash in hand for someone with a van to help collect.

As a first step, I’d ask the tradesman doing the work if they could pick it up for you (for cash).

We'd have probaly ordered from the more expenisve site - but we don't drive and this is sometimes how things shake out.

Though we may have spoken first to tradesman who needed item for said job and asked if they could bring it or pick it up.

As you have't heard back I'd assume it's not happening and think of an alternative.

YAB massively U for pointlessly martyring yourself, describing the normal give and take of small favours that characterizes friendship as "helpless females", and then expecting quite a big favour from a complete stranger.

Get someone to do it as a job for some money or rent a Zipvan.

@Fiehc

I've not ordered the item. I arranged someone to do the work, he told me what to get and where from. I thought there'd be an option for delivery, there wasn't. I know free delivery isn't always provided by stores but there's no delivery at all. I tried other retailers locally and none of them deliver even a paid delivery except for one who is charging significantly more.

I'd happily pay £20 for delivery, it's not an option with this store or others. I'd give Jo's dad £20 for his time, I'm not expecting it for free.

It's just the uncertainty that is worrying me me.

I would contac t the person doing the work for you and explain you have no way of collecting the item as it won;t fit in your car. Ask if they can collect and add that cost to your bill.

Or ask on a local FB community page. if you say: I never ask for favours but I need one now. Can anyone do X by Y date. It needs a car or van bigger than mine and the shop won't deliver. I'll pay petrol and there's a bottle of wine in it as thanks.

Yes… zip van £10.ish per hour

YABU
It's an absolute pain if you've got a van and are constantly being asked to do favours for randoms. And you are a random. You don't know the guy - he's the dad of your son's best friend. He hasn't responded so he obviously doesn't have time or doesn't want to.
My dad had an estate car many years ago and that was bad enough - he was constantly being asked to pick up stuff for people who had smaller cars. He ended up getting rid of it for that reason. It would have been even worse if it had been a van.

I'm in a similar situation in that I only have a small car and no family around to help. This means I can only buy things which I can fit in my car and if I need something larger I have to make alternative arrangements and that normally means having to seek out a retailer who will sell and deliver the item, even if that means it ends up costing me a fair bit more.

I think the PP saying fence panel has it. Awkward buggers. I second asking on Facebook or shiply type website.