That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

[Fiehc]

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

Id be seriously concerned a tradesman has no transport and can not supply the goods. Its not someone I would be paying

I’m going to take a punt here

You have very few of any friends OP
Because you have shut yourself away. Convincing yourself that you’re a “strong” woman and entirely “self sufficient”.

Consequently, you have no one to call on at all when in need.

Aside from the practical, what an unhappy approach to life. I don’t ask nothing. But no one better ask me for anything either (pathetic women that they are)

Ask on your towns local fb page you need something picking up and are willing to pay £20. You should get offers in abundance.

If your tradesman doesn't drive, maybe he has connections with a man and van place who can bring your item.

This seems a bit dramatic 'this is why I never ask for help' as if something terrible has ensued. You haven't even tried to make direct contact with the friend's father, I'm sure your DC could get the number for you.

Have you a friend with a convertible? Would the item fit in with the roof down?

I think YABU, in that you're annoyed that someone you don't even know hasn't come back to someone else regarding a favour for you. You're a stranger to him and I don't get why you're putting all your eggs in that basket.

oh and to state the obvious, Jo's Dad could not care less about the fact that your track record as a single parent without transport is unblemished in the "never-asked-for-a-favour-before" department....

2 miles isn’t that far to walk with a fence panel (if that’s what it is). But, yes, asking for help etc is horrible.

2 miles is quite far to walk with a fence panel. They’re not the easiest shape to carry.

Don't try van hire places. Go on Next Door, your local Facebook group or similar and ask for recommendations for a man with a van to collect a heavy item for you. I'd be surprised if that came out as more than £20 and you'll get hold of one today or tomorrow who will agree to do it Monday.

Nah, let the teenager and their mates carry it. I’ve carried more ridiculous things further as a foolish teen.

"I've not ordered the item. I arranged someone to do the work, he told me what to get and where from"

If it was me I would also be considering the above again - I don't know what the item is nor whether there is a very particular reason you have to buy it from where this workman has told you - but assuming it does not HAVE to be bought from this particular supplier, can you not phone your workman and explain your dilemma? Even if your workman cannot pick the item up himself for you, the least he can do is postpone the work he was going to do for you until a time when you have been able to get the item in question.
As a PP has said, neither Jo nor his Dad are likely aware of the urgency of this request-made-by-chinese-whispers and if you do reach out directly to Jo's Dad (I think you should) you can apologise for "chasing" him on your request and explain the urgency for you.

Again Jo's Dad will not care about the urgency of your personal circumstances but explaining it will bat away any possible annoyance that Jo's Dad is being asked more than once from more than one source.

Try Shipley.I have used this many times.People will bid and offer you a price.Sometimes they are doing a run near you so very cheap.Good luck.

It’s no biggie asking for help if you need it in life. If you value yourself enough then you would do it. Generally if people can’t do it they would say no. It sounds weird but by asking for help you build a community/a network. Over time you all help each other out! The old saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child…’ is true!

Don’t struggle when you don’t have to, you’re being a martyr for who? People like to help too.

I say that as someone with no family near me so I’ve worked hard at building a network of support cos life would be way too hard without it!

"You have very few of any friends OP
Because you have shut yourself away. Convincing yourself that you’re a “strong” woman and entirely “self sufficient”"

I think this is mean and un necessary. even if there is an element of truth to it (and we don't know that) there could be reasons why OP generally wants to be self sufficient at all times if she possibly can. There is clearly no doubt that if OP could fit the thing in her own transport and bring it back herself that is exactly what she would be doing but she cannot.

I do agree tho that there is no justification to the whole "i have never asked for favours before and that is what is so unfair" thing. Favours are favours. Someone doing something which you would otherwise in other circumstances have to pay for in some way shape or form. And people can refuse to do favours, and they do.

I thought you were going to say you always help your family or friends and the one time you need help, they are refusing.

But you're actually annoyed that a random person you don't know (because you only know his son) can't or won't help you.

That's not self-suffiency.

Budget in the £40 delivery and don't be a martyr.

Do you have roof bars on your car that the item could be tied onto?

But otherwise I think you will need to either order from the expensive place that delivers or use £50 van courier. It's really the person doing the work that you should be annoyed with as they have passed on the hassle of getting it to you. Are they cheaper than similar tradespeople and this is why?!

" But, yes, asking for help etc is horrible."

In my experience it really is very horrible to ask for help, yes.

I'd go on Taskrabbit & ask people to quote for picking it up for you . Or does your neighbourhood have the Nextdoor app where you could offer somone £20 to pick it up?

Can you ask the tradesman to get it on his way over? He probably has a van.

@Flowerbedflora

The thing about asking for help/ favours is that you reciprocate- it's a two way thing. There's no shame in asking for help!

^ this. You’ve started by asking someone you don’t know for a favour you can’t reciprocate

Asking for help with drop offs/babysitting, the favour can be returned. Friends/relatives help each other & know they can ask a favour in return…

This isn’t really the same thing. However, if it’s for a tradesperson actually ask THEM to help you as they will either have a van or know many many people who do

Were you explicit on the first message that you would pay Jo’s Dad?

Because whereas my friends and I do each other favours and help each other out all the time (more like the strength of female solidarity rather than any helpless woman act ) I would never expect a parent of DC’s friends to do a job like that unless I knew them well.

I bet Jo’s Dad gets asked all the time. And £20 is peanuts to drive to the place, wait for them bring it out front, load it up, drive to yours, unload, drive home.

I know it’s frustrating.

But maybe if you had answered some of the WhatsApp pleas for help you might have babysat for someone with a van!

In my area you can ask for a people carrier Uber. Would it go in the back of one of those?

Are you near a B&Q? You can hire a van for £25 for 2 hours.

www.diy.com/services/van-hire

@A580Hojas

What a lot of fuss! I can't believe what I'm reading. Such a dramatic thread title and paragraphs of martyrdom.

My thoughts exactly. Just pay for the delivery, and don't ask people you don't even know for a favour. That's weird.