That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

[Fiehc]

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

@Velvian

Have you asked the tradesperson doing the job if they are able to collect?

This is what I would do as well. They often are more than willing to do it.

I don't really get the AIBU? You are say you never ask for help, and when you have "this" has happened, so you're not going to ask again. Its not like a friend has let you down, you don't know your DC's friend's dad, and you shouldn't really have had any expectation of help. A man with a van type thing is your only option really, or talk to the person doing the work, explain you can't get the needed item, and see what they say.

You made a basic rookie error as a single parent

You didn’t plan

My mantra is plan plan plan

Are you in a town with an Enterprise Car Club (costs a few £/month and you can leave at any time)? They hire vans by the hour (and cars). Our car broke a few weeks ago and DH was able to join and rent a vehicle within about 2 or 3 hours of us getting the RAC man out on a Saturday afternoon.

Failing that try asking on your local Nextdoor/Facebook group if you can't organise a courier.

@Aria999

Can you ask the tradesman to get it on his way over? He probably has a van.

The OP has said the person doing the work doesn't drive. I also wonder if the person doing the work is a tradesperson charging full rates, or it's being done as a favour/mates rates hence the OP needing to sort out the materials

Where abouts are you in country op?

@UniversalDramatic sorry, rtft fail! Thought I had!

I have never known a tradesman not to drive a van. Mind blown.

Pay for delivery

Get the Dad's phone number and send him a text saying "Sorry to bother you but Jo said you might be able to help me out by collecting X in your van. Happy to pay for your time/petrol. I really need it done by Monday though so if you're not able to help this weekend please let me know so I can up with another plan. Thanks very much, DC's mum"

Also it's fine to ask for help. You don't need to feel bad about it, or be judgey about other people doing it

Your acting like this friends dad owes you a favour. Just hire a man and a van ffs. I can’t believe you claim to do everything so independent tbh.’

I agree with the poster who suggested Facebook. Say how big your item is and ask for recommendations.

[quote Aria999]@UniversalDramatic sorry, rtft fail! Thought I had!

I have never known a tradesman not to drive a van. Mind blown.[/quote]
My husband is a tradesperson who currently can't drive due to health investigations (he passed out driving, fortunately no one hurt and he now has a device fitted. No further incidents so fingers are crossed it's temporary).

My rather amazing FIL currently drives him about, but DH has had customers come and get him for emergency work/when FIL has a day off. He might say to someone desperate for a weekend slot, you get xyz from the wholesalers and I'll do it.

So it could be someone who can no longer drive.

I appreciate that's quite unlikely and entirely based on my own circumstances

The nature of relying on someone else is it can be awkward and unsatisfactory. With the benefit of hindsight it would be best if it was made clear to Jo that it needed to be down by Monday so if that wasn’t possible, no worries but if he doesn’t know by say 1pm friday you will need to arrange otherwise. If it is IKEA, they offer a van service £10 for IKEA family numbers (otherwise £13) per hour plus mileage (0.33 per mile) in all stores except Greenwich and Dublin.

I’m in south birmingham and I have a van if it helps

But I would literally just drive it from a to b, so you’d need someone to load and unload.

@UniversalDramatic sorry to hear that. I hope it's temporary!

I once passed out driving on the a34 (luckily just managed to get to the hard shoulder in time) - never knew why and it never happened again.

@Aria999
Thank you. We're hoping he'll be ok'd soon but just have to wait and see.

I'll bet the conversation with Jo and his dad has gone something along the lines of:

"Dad, MiniFie asked if you could pick something up in your van for his mum."
"Yeah, no worries, tell him to get her to give me a ring and I'll sort it. it won't be until next week though because I'm busy this weekend."

Then he's put it to the back of his mind until you get in touch.

I certainly wouldn't be expecting him to get in touch with me, or to just go and do with without me speaking to him.

What you should have said when Jo made that offer, was "that's brilliant. Thank you. Could I have his number so I can ask him?"

Always man and a van offering to pick up on FB Pages or even Gumtree

Did you not read my OP? I've said man with van services here are a minimum of £50. I know because I've made enquiries of them before for other items.

So you didn't look this time. Prices vary on how much they are travelling. If someone nearby has started doing it it will be substantially cheaper.

But notice you didn't address the derogatory comment you made about women who ask for help.

Guess what? Doing everything yourself and looking down on people who ask for help doesn't make you better than them.

@A580Hojas

What a lot of fuss! I can't believe what I'm reading. Such a dramatic thread title and paragraphs of martyrdom.

@Fiehc

I've not ordered the item. I arranged someone to do the work, he told me what to get and where from. I thought there'd be an option for delivery, there wasn't. I know free delivery isn't always provided by stores but there's no delivery at all. I tried other retailers locally and none of them deliver even a paid delivery except for one who is charging significantly more.

I'd happily pay £20 for delivery, it's not an option with this store or others. I'd give Jo's dad £20 for his time, I'm not expecting it for free.

It's just the uncertainty that is worrying me me.

Why don't you just pay the man with a van fee and have done with it. The dad person will have to give up his time and fuel to do something that is of no benefit whatsoever to him.He doesn't even know you. Its amazing how many people ask favours when you have a van. I used to find that the word 'pop' was used an awful lot, as in "Ooo Angelina , could you just pop this table and 6 chairs to xyz Town? " The town in question was always miles away and I was supposed to be grateful for a small amount of money. The dad person will have to drive to the shop, drive to you and then drive home. Why do you think he would do that when he doesn't even know you. He is probably just ignoring the text.

It's not the same though is it arrangements that other parents have for doing pick ups and expecting someone you've never met to do a job for you.

He doesn't know you're going to give him £20 (and frankly at the mo this probably won't pay much more than his fuel) and realistically it's not going to be a 5 min job is it?

I say this as someone who rarely asks for favours off people and has always been a bit of a mug for helping others out - but I wouldn't be doing this for someone I don't know or has never helped me out. Sorry OP.

The OP has said the person doing the work doesn't drive.
I also wonder if the person doing the work is a tradesperson charging full rates, or it's being done as a favour/mates rates hence the OP needing to sort out the materials

FIL didn't drive he employed a labourer/driver to do that when he ran his own businnes and apparently before that employers always had people who could drive as it was a fairly large work gang he was in charge of never seemed to be an issue possible due to his skill set.

So mates rates people did have to get the stuff themselves.

A single man running own bussiness not driving and doing trade work would be odd.

Get the bus with the kids and carry it home. Make it fun, sing all the way. Take some snacks

I think you haven't heard from him because he doesn't want to do it.