That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

[Fiehc]

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

People with vans get asked for favours constantly. That may be a reason, however if that's the case someone just needs to let you know.

I think it’s ridiculously over dramatic to say this one instance when you haven’t gone about it directly and in good time, is proof of why you were correct to martyr yourself for years!

I was expecting a history of being let down on firm plans.

I’m actually like you on doing things without help myself, I’m bad at asking. But where we differ, is I’m not catty about those who do.

It’s really not helpless females’ fault that some random dude you have never met is not forthcoming with immediate help

Why don't you just ask the person doing the work if they can pick up up or if they know someone who wants and extra tenner for driving 2 miles.

Do you have Uber where you are? I use the Uber XL option to come home from B&Q in the people mover type vehicles. This includes half a dozen boxes of 1.2m long tiles.

Make your way to the store, buy what you need, then call an uber. Or talk to your local taxi firm - they will definitely have larger vehicles that can take this - even if it's on a roof rack.

Can you invest in a set of roof racks for your own car?

If it’s light enough to carry, rope it onto the roof of your car and drive very gingerly.

The thing about asking for help/ favours is that you reciprocate- it's a two way thing. There's no shame in asking for help!

Is it a fence panel?

Can’t the worker get the item? This is usually how it works if you’re having something fitted, they buy it then charge you for it.

You're being unreasonable expecting this stranger to be available at 48 hours notice to suit your needs then whining he has been late to respond.

Why not ask on your local NextDoor?.

I'd happily pay £20 for delivery, it's not an option with this store or others. I'd give Jo's dad £20 for his time, I'm not expecting it for free

But you don't know what Jo's Dad charges? You can't say to someone, I'll give you £20, when they might actually charge £40. I'm self employed, and occasionally have people try this with me. Just the other day, I told someone the rate for my service was £25, and they replied that they only wanted to pay £20. Erm, no, that's not how it works.

Anyway, yeah, I'd just pay the extra £40 at this point. It was only going to be super awkward with Jo's Dad anyway.

Are you sure it's too big to go in your car? Back and front seats down ...boot left open and tied with string? Put in diagonally over back seats and into front ? Taken out its packaging or split into parts? Alternatively,can you get it on the bus? I once walked carrying a huge roll of vinyl. The walk was a bit over two miles and couldn't afford the bus fare. A few buses slowed down when they saw me ( not at a stop) and then one stopped and insisted on giving me a lift. Two men got off the bus and put the vinyl on board ! The fare was waived.

@PragmaticWench

There are online services where you post your job (pick up location, end destination, size/weight/value of item) and companies will put up how much they'd charge. Usually gets cheaper as the responses come in. You then choose which suits you. I've done it with a chest of drawers I bought on ebay.

Shiply does this. But they only collect and drop, they wouldn't be able to deal with a store.

You sound lovely but none of the background to your post is relevant to your problem.

Cancel your order and repurchase from a retailer that does offer delivery. Reschedule the work to give yourself more time.

Is there anything like this in your locality @Fiehc - www.gocar.ie/

(I know the site is an Irish site but if there was something similar in her area it might help). I know Ikea in Dublin has these cars available to customers if they need them for a short trip but you do have to sign up for the service before you go shopping.

Post on local Facebook page stating what it is you need collecting, where from and where to and ask for prices. You'll get someone who will do it at a reasonable price. Just bear in mind that fuel prices are expensive at the minute and vans eat fuel so it may be more than you want to pay because the fuel plus their time costs more than the 20 quid you want to pay.

And although it's only 2 miles to your house, it's time and fuel to get to where it needs collecting from and from yours back home. Which is what they will want compensating for.

I'm really confused about what you're cross about. That someone you don't know and who owes you nothing hasn't agreed to use his precious weekend driving stuff around for you? IMO it's colossally unreasonable for you to ask him to in the first place! Whilst I'm quite happy to help friends and family, I'd not be doing this for a stranger.

LIke it or not, the cost to get the item you want to your house is the cost of the item plus the £40 delivery charge. Your choice is to either pay up, or don't get the item and cancel the work.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

You sound lovely but none of the background to your post is relevant to your problem.

Cancel your order and repurchase from a retailer that does offer delivery. Reschedule the work to give yourself more time.

^^ This.

If you want to be in a position where you rely on friends you have to build that network up. Swap favours and stay in touch with people. Not live your life with walls around you, dismissing people as playing the “helpless female” and then wondering where it all went wrong when you buy something with no way to get it home in order to save £40.

I've not ordered the item. I arranged someone to do the work, he told me what to get and where from.

Tell “him” the item will be ready for him to collect on Monday. Presumably this is a trades person and they usually have vans or pickups.

I always see "can someone pick this up for £20" messages on local facebook pages, maybe try there?

My hat goes off to you for raising a family single-handedly, I have lots of respect for you for that, it must have been tough.

But in this scenario, which is completely unrelated to your previous situations, YABU. You shouldn't have hired someone with no transport and lack of tools/materials etc.

Have you thought about asking on a local Facebook group? You may get a kind stranger who offers

Local FB page or Next door app or just ask the tradesmen to collect it and add a charge to your invoice

The thing for me is you haven't asked, your DC has asked their friend to ask their dad.

You can't collect it so you'll have to order it from somewhere that does deliver. I appreciate that means rescheduling the job but that's just how it goes.

I'd ask my DC to ask Jo's dad again and make it clear I'm willing to pay/not expecting it for free. Jo probably doesn't appreciate the urgency.