Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

To feel sad DD doesn't want to go to her prom

206 replies

Noprommum · 25/03/2022 00:10

DD, year 11, has said she is absolutely not going to her prom.

She's been saying for a long time she's not keen but I thought she'd come round. Most of her friends are going and have been trying to persuade her but she says dressing up in a pretty dress is just not for her and finds the whole idea of prom cringe and embarrassing and she doesn't want to go. To be fair, she's not a girly girl, lives in joggers and dresses mainly in black so I get that part of it.

She is a very strong character and genuinely doesn't seem to care what others think. However, I do feel lockdown affected her socially, her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

AIBU to feel sad and worried at her missing out? There's no way I'm going to try and change her mind as she's adamant but I can't help feeling sad. I think I'll stay away from social media that day as I know it'll be full of her peers parents posting prom pics and I know I'll feel sad I can't post any myself which I obviously know is bloody selfish as it's not about me!!! However, it's seen as such a big, special event - school have been banging on about it for months!

Anyone else's child not going/didn't go to prom? Is it really such a big deal?

OP posts:

HappyMeal564 · 25/03/2022 01:17

I didn't go and it wasn't a big deal at all. Not my thing at all then, 20 years later still not my thing.

SecondhandTable · 25/03/2022 01:21

I didn't go to my year 11 prom or my year 13 prom. Both in different schools, I hated the school I was in for year 11 and loved the school I was in for year 13 but I still didn't fancy prom. I was far from the only person who didn't go to these events, particularly the year 11 one where a few of my friends also didn't go. I don't have any regrets about them, never think about it, I just got reminded cos of your thread.

CaptainThe95thRifles · 25/03/2022 01:26

I didn't go to mine either. My idea of utter hell. It really isn't a significant event and will have no consequences for her in the future.

Norma27 · 25/03/2022 01:26

My daughter isn’t going to hers. To be honest I’m delighted as I think they are tacky and awful. I will probably give her the money to treat her and a few mates to a nice meal somewhere.

anotherheadache · 25/03/2022 01:29

I went to my prom although it was 20 years ago. I genuinely don't have any memories of the event other than I remember where the venue was.

If she doesn't want to go then so what? It not a big deal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/03/2022 01:30

They are a dreadful, dreadful thing. Year 11 girls taught to dress up, look pretty, be homogenous, conform to a load of old bollocks. Be asked by a boy FFS. Yuk.

Your daughter is plowing her own furrow, she's her own person. You are incredibly lucky and so is she.

I have a leggings and hoodies, non-conformer as well. I would have a brilliant night out with her. What would she like? You could find something great. Museums, night out somewhere, special dinner, whatever.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 25/03/2022 01:31

My eldest didn’t go to hers. She really didn’t enjoy school, didn’t like the majority of her cohort, and thought that having to spend hours faking enjoyment in an uncomfortable social situation was a waste of time and energy.

I was rather relieved to be fair. The whole debacle always looked so shallow and pointless; though I would have never said so to her. Had she wanted to go I’d have stumped up for the tickets and an outfit.

AugustSeptemberOctober · 25/03/2022 01:34

I didn't go to mine either, despite much pressure from family and friends! I remember my mum being really upset about it. 15 years later I have no regrets at all, I still find the whole idea dreadful.

SelkieQualia · 25/03/2022 01:36

I totally understand why she wouldn't want to go, especially given that he best friend has dropped her. I like the idea of having a special night out for just the two of you.

Weatherwax13 · 25/03/2022 01:37

My DDs are chalk and cheese. One went to all the proms and formals. Any excuse to have a new dress.
The other couldn't have given less fucks if she tried. Thought it was all contrived and daft.
Both girls are extremely confident and socially adept women in their 20s now.
You're probably going to have all sorts of challenges through her teens where you won't agree with her stance on done topics and you won't even remember this. It's honestly very minor if you take a step back and think about it.

AugustSeptemberOctober · 25/03/2022 01:41

@MrsTerryPratchett

They are a dreadful, dreadful thing. Year 11 girls taught to dress up, look pretty, be homogenous, conform to a load of old bollocks. Be asked by a boy FFS. Yuk.

Your daughter is plowing her own furrow, she's her own person. You are incredibly lucky and so is she.

Amen to this, you sound like an amazing mum 👏

Not that you don't sound like a lovely mum too, OP. But please don't worry about your daughter missing out. Take it from someone who "missed out" on quite a few things in my teens. My mum was always feeling "sad" for me, but I've always been very happy following my own path. I'm sure your daughter will be too.

Feather12 · 25/03/2022 01:42

Where do they hold their prom? In the school hall or a local hotel? Not that it matters, just curious. School proms are a bit shit and if they aren’t in a cool venue why would anyone want to go?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/03/2022 01:50

you sound like an amazing mum

Thanks but no, it's DD who is the amazing one. They all are in their own way. Of course I actually have the best one. DD says all mums say that but one of us is correct, right?

OP embrace your little revolutionary. She'll find her people at some point. In the meantime, you're her people.

stormswiftlysweetafton · 25/03/2022 02:06

I didn't go to mine twenty years ago, either, and haven't regretted it. I'm positive I would have found it awkward and boring. I fee the same way about school reunions. Not for me.

It's one of those things that may mean a lot to some people, but it's not for everyone. She won't be the only one who decides not to go.

Doona · 25/03/2022 02:11

It's fine not to go, but new outfits can make a big difference at that age. I would take her on a shopping spree, if possible, and buy her whatever random clothes she fancies.

hippyfarmer · 25/03/2022 02:12

40 years ago I didn't go to my prom. Last year my DC said absolutely not going. Didn't negatively impact either of us or who we are.

This week, DC said prob going to prom for this year. Cool. Will support. But won't get all het up about the plans. I don't feel prom is big deal. DC now wants it - so will support. But if DC pulls out, will let them know that's ok and normal, too.

SpringRainbow · 25/03/2022 02:45

I didn’t go to mine either, it was (still is) my idea of hell.

I hate things like that, probably always will.

tearingmyhearout242 · 25/03/2022 02:47

I’ll be relieved if mine opts out of prom.

My niece had an awful time with hers. Being dumped by her boyfriend the day before, she was devastated and embarrassed. One of her friends passed out at the after party and had to go to A and E in an ambulance.

sashh · 25/03/2022 02:53

They didn't have prom in my day, if they had I would not have gone.

Horrible American idea.

I've been to balls since, posh dinners and various other events but a prom, no. Having to socialise with the people you are forced to spend 5 days a week with and may have nothing in common and the competition about how to arrive.

Give your DD a high five from me, she's not scared to be different and that will stand her in good stead for the future.

Stressedout65 · 25/03/2022 03:05

We haven't had the proms in the UK until the last 20 years, & so I can't even remember leaving school myself in 1982. My daughter went to hers 10 years ago. I indulged her on everything, hair, make up, dress. It was as full on as if it was her wedding day! In the end the actual event, held in a lovely old hotel was OK, but didn't live up to the hype.
We found the whole thing was more about the dress, the mode of transport to get to the prom & posing for photos, than the event itself. Once the parry started she got a bit bored to be honest. The rich, spoilt girls all became quite fake, you know with the over the top screaming as soon as they met, as though they'd not seen each other in years. They were at school together just a few hours earlier 🤣

CakesOfVersailles · 25/03/2022 03:05

It wasn't called Prom back then but I went to my year 11 school dance at my mother's insistence and didn't enjoy it much. The dressing up etc was ok, but I didn't really like dancing!

Honestly, at the end of the day it's a school dance. It's not a huge deal.

I'd keep an eye on her socially withdrawing, but I probably wouldn't push this one event.

TellItToTheBees · 25/03/2022 03:12

Prom is not for everyone. I went with my girlfriend at the time and we were constantly harassed by boys who wouldn’t stop trying to get us to make out in front of them. Some of the boys also spent the evening openly talking about which girls they’d like to see naked and which ones had ‘pork rolls’ that were usually hidden by our uniform. I wish I hadn’t gone but what’s done is done.

LlamasintheFog · 25/03/2022 03:32

Sensible young woman. Let her make her decision.

lobeydosser · 25/03/2022 03:37

Well done on raising a daughter who knows her own mind! In answer to your last question - it really isn't such a big deal in the long run.

It' is, as other posters have described, mostly competitive posing and purchasing.

My DD (another low-key dresser) did go and quite enjoyed it but has been far more enthusiastic about many other events since. Six years on and she doesn't remember much about it!
Spend the money you would have spent on the whole prom palaver on a bit of a shopping trip together and a fun meal or maybe a show.
Don't feel sad - she's really not missing out !!

Momijin · 25/03/2022 03:38

I think proms are ridiculous with parents spending nearly £1k with dress, hair, nails, lashes, tan and vehicle. Beautiful dress looking like full on drag. I don't get it. A meal and a dance and a great time, absolutely. The rest is outrageously ott

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread