To feel sad DD doesn't want to go to her prom

[Noprommum]

DD, year 11, has said she is absolutely not going to her prom.

She's been saying for a long time she's not keen but I thought she'd come round. Most of her friends are going and have been trying to persuade her but she says dressing up in a pretty dress is just not for her and finds the whole idea of prom cringe and embarrassing and she doesn't want to go. To be fair, she's not a girly girl, lives in joggers and dresses mainly in black so I get that part of it.

She is a very strong character and genuinely doesn't seem to care what others think. However, I do feel lockdown affected her socially, her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

AIBU to feel sad and worried at her missing out? There's no way I'm going to try and change her mind as she's adamant but I can't help feeling sad. I think I'll stay away from social media that day as I know it'll be full of her peers parents posting prom pics and I know I'll feel sad I can't post any myself which I obviously know is bloody selfish as it's not about me!!! However, it's seen as such a big, special event - school have been banging on about it for months!

Anyone else's child not going/didn't go to prom? Is it really such a big deal?

@THisbackwithavengeance

Came on to say something along these lines but Theleaf beat me to it.

It's not bad wanting to go to a prom and getting a nice dress and having a laugh with your friends. It doesn't make you superior or "edgy" just because you chose to stay at home in your hoody and trackies.

FWIW, I used to avoid social events as a school aged teenager because I was a shy and overweight. I wish I had been more confident and more sociable.

Who said it was bad to want to go? No one.

But she doesn't want to. And that is fine. She doesn't owe it to her mum to go.

It was called a ball in Y13 at my school held at a hotel - I didn't go and have never regretted that.

Didnt enjoy my sixth form experience - and was all about next step - was working and waiting to hear about university place. I went to several balls at university - so got the experince later on.

DD1 would have loved to go I think - covid stopped that - DS would be next year not sure if they will hold one but he's already said he's not going. They've both heading else where for A-levels .

Does she have to decide now - or does she have more time - if so I'd suggest she waits as long as possible but if she adamant she's not intertesed I don't think she missing a huge amount.

I can't think of anything I'd have liked less at her age. Leave it up to her!

I would worry about the anxiety and becoming withdrawn and tackle that. Let the prom go.

And actually, fwiw, my DD is pretty non conforming with her shaved head and a serious campaign to be allowed to wear boys uniform at school (successful). She marches to the beat of her own drum in so many ways. She wouldn't go to prom if it were all hetero-normative, taking a date and looking pretty. She's going to wear a frock coat and her favourite top hat, velvet trousers and DMs. She's going with her mates (all boys) and they're taking card games with them. They'll no doubt play Exploding Kittens and enjoy each other's company. It's important that we don't set up a dichotomy of thinking people who want to go to prom are somehow dull conformists. And actually, does it matter if a girl does want to wear a pretty dress and make-up. Half of style and beauty is about people wanting to look good and go out. Nowt wrong with that.

But I maintain that the op's dd's wellbeing is the thing to focus on. Not an optional event.

My daughter didn't go to her year 6 prom either. There were so many unbelievably violent, misogynistic and generally horrible boys in her class that she refused to spend another minute with them.Her words were "I just want to walk out of that class and forget that the whole thing ever happened". She genuinely didn't care and still doesn't regret it. We went for an evening out in the city centre instead, me, her, her mate and his mum and she had a lovely time.

I think one of the things that irritates me most about year 11 "leavers" stuff is that, on the whole, they're not leaving these days. Not at our school anyway. Typically over 90% of the kids return for 6th form. Every single one of my DC's friendship group will be back in the same place with the same friends and the same teachers in September. It's not the "end of an era" like it was in the days when most kids left school at 16 and relatively few went back for 6th form, it's a minor hiatus.
I'd have a bit more sympathy for it all if it was after A levels when they really are all going their separate ways but everything seems to be a lot more low key then. All seems completely illogical to me. I suppose it makes a bit more sense in schools that don't have a 6th form or where lots are leaving for college or apprenticeships etc and then others give in to peer pressure. Our school didn't have one until a few years ago actually, just a fairly restrained end of 6th form event. But unfortunately the new Head gave in to campaigning by some of the pupils and now year 11 has a full on limo and big dress Prom.

I like the proms and seeing everyone that wants to go enjoying themselves. I don’t think it is ‘cringe’ .I’ve worked it’s lots of teenagers who have been desperate to go but thought they couldn’t because of the home circumstances and have been so happy when we’ve been able to source a dress or suit for them and got their hair done etc. They’ve had a wonderful time. Some girls have wanted to go in trousers and jacket and that is fine

I have also worked with loads that have said that it really isn’t their thing and they are just not interested. That is equally fine. We have asked if they want to do something else on the night of the prom some have said no , others we have taken out for a meal.

I wouldn’t make a big deal or feel sad at all.

Fraid so. Accept the daughter you have and support her social anxiety by respecting her boundaries. Give help if she asks you, but not otherwise and deal with your own sadness over the child you think you should have had, privately. It’s not easy, and I’m not unsympathetic, but you have to respect who she is.

It’s not everyone’s thing. She won’t be the only teenager feeling this way but most will feel the pressure to go. Let your daughter do what she wants to do.

YABU. Let her be who she is.

My DD went but she wore a suit instead of a dress. A few girls wore trousers and a nice top or trouser suits.
So I would check if she genuinely doesnt want to go or just doesn't want all the fuss and the dress, in which case you can help her find something she'll be comfortable in.

My dd didn't go to hers. No regrets at all.

She's never been into all that stuff and she'd have been very very uncomfortable following the dress code the very pushy mothers organising it insisted on. She wouldn't have fun dressed in clothes she dislikes and they wouldn't agree to girls wearing anything but a proper prom dress or dd may have considered if she could have worn a tux.

She said she'd rather have the several hundreds it would have cost (and I don't think she was that far out, i know some of the girls had dresses that cost £500+ and that's before their hair, make up, nails, shoes, jewellery and hiring a car) to spend on things she actually likes and values. I could see her point. 😂

So her dad just that, instead of going shopping for clothes and make up we took her on a shopping spree for books and video games. Had a takeaway and looked at the photos of her peers on the night because even though she wasn't there, she did actually seeing her friends who are into that stuff being happy and having fun.

My main memory of prom is getting a kit kat out of a vending machine while waiting for my taxi home. I don't recall anything else about it.

DS1 went to his and had a blast. Hired an American army truck with his mates to travel in, went to an after party, the lot.

DS2 flat out refused and didn't go. But I still had to buy him a suit because he didn't want to miss out on that!

I didn't go to my prom. So glad I didn't. It got busted up for drugs, everyone was pissed (they say the drink was spiked but I think that is bollocks. 2 people slept with teachers and no less than 9 cautions were handed out. And this was a fairly respectable state secondary. Plus I hated about 98% of my peers and all but 4 teachers so would have been my idea of hell.

@BigSandyBalls2015

When I left school we got our shirts signed and went to the pub … showing my age

Special assembly where we all cried and then spent the rest of the day writing effusive messages in each others hymnbooks. It was a girls school so organising a conventional prom would have been a challenge not that it existed here then.

I think the imported (and it is) culture of the prom, with its ostentatious and expensive trappings, is pretty dire anyway. Bit of a disco in the school hall where everyone can come alone if they want, wear what they want and not feel pressured into this princess nonsense would be healthier, IMO.

Copper Lily that’s awful to hear. Vile boys. Sounds a good decision not to go.

Dd is at an all girls school and after having joint proms with the local boys school it is back to just being for the girls…

Neither of my two went. Several years on, they don't seem to regret it at all

I went to both my year 11 and year 13 ones and they were such horrific cringe inducing events. I wouldn't have missed anything by dodging it.

I kind of get where your girl is coming from. These things are designed for the girly girls to show off

In my day, we’d egg and flour our favourite teacher, then go to the pub…

I didn’t want to go to mine but my mother wouldn’t let it go and I went. She moaned about the soft blue a-line dress I chose which I paid for myself that I found at a charity shop for £20 because I thought it absurd to pay for a £200 dress that made me look like a cake topper for a few hours. I was never that bothered about prom and she knew this early-on. I had left secondary the semester before so hadn’t been there in five months and had no reason to go back. It was way more about her than it was about me. It only added to our contentious relationship and it took over a decade before we were able to have a better one.

My daughters prom was cancelled due to covid -we still have the brand new dress hanging on her wardrobe. She wasn't overly excited about it but was disappointed when it was cancelled.
One of her female friends had bought a tailored tux to wear along with some nice heels and I thought that was such a good idea. Something completely different and she would have felt so much more comfortable than if she'd worn a dress which was out of character.
Could this be something your daughter could do?

I didn't go to mine, I wasn't bothered and it all felt a bit cringey. I don't regret not going, I went off and did something else instead.

And you're right, it isn't about you and what you can post on social media...

@ShowOfHands
Spot on post & I hope your dd has a great time.
These events really should be a chance for everyone to embrace their own fantastic style if they want to.

Fair bit of judegement flying on this thread- it's ok to be different but it's also ok not to be! If girls and lads want to do the conventional thing and go and get dressed up and all that jazz, that is a valid choice too and doesn't necessarily make them drones or sheep or airheads or anything other than people who like a party and a chance to dress up. As I tell my hoodie wearing, makeup hating 11 year old, you can be a serious person and wear lipstick. To posit the choice not to engage in these things as being indicative of some kind of depth or superiority or free-spiritdness or coolness as some have tried to do hear is itself quite judgemental of those who choose otherwise. Live and let live, go or don't go but looking down on these events or the people who do get enjoy them is a bit snobby and mean spirited.