To feel sad DD doesn't want to go to her prom

[Noprommum]

DD, year 11, has said she is absolutely not going to her prom.

She's been saying for a long time she's not keen but I thought she'd come round. Most of her friends are going and have been trying to persuade her but she says dressing up in a pretty dress is just not for her and finds the whole idea of prom cringe and embarrassing and she doesn't want to go. To be fair, she's not a girly girl, lives in joggers and dresses mainly in black so I get that part of it.

She is a very strong character and genuinely doesn't seem to care what others think. However, I do feel lockdown affected her socially, her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

AIBU to feel sad and worried at her missing out? There's no way I'm going to try and change her mind as she's adamant but I can't help feeling sad. I think I'll stay away from social media that day as I know it'll be full of her peers parents posting prom pics and I know I'll feel sad I can't post any myself which I obviously know is bloody selfish as it's not about me!!! However, it's seen as such a big, special event - school have been banging on about it for months!

Anyone else's child not going/didn't go to prom? Is it really such a big deal?

Our DD is going to hers, but only after a lot of peer persuasion. She's bought a 'seconds' dress and got white platform DMs. She'll be the coolest one there, and because she had the DMs already it's cheap. I'm glad she's going because I didn't want her to miss out, but ultimately it's up to her.

I didn't go to mine either, they're a weird American import that reinforce harmful gender stereotypes. I'm 33 now and I still have the confidence not to do things I don't want to, even when other people are doing them.
OP for what it's worth I think you're really focusing on the wrong thing here. Forget the prom and support your daughter with her social anxiety and isolation instead.

I think I get it OP, as long as it's because you want her to fit in with her peers, rather than if it's because you want to enjoy the trappings of it. I'd worry a bit that it's because she feels she doesn't fit in. I know there are girls that plough their own furrow because they're super confident, and know their own mind, and that's great. But there are also those that are just left out, and it's hard not to worry when that's your child!

However, it may well be that she just hasn't met her tribe yet. School is a very limited pool of people, OP, and she may well meet her group in different settings.

Maybe it would be helpful to your daughter to back her up and say how proud you are of her that she can make her own choices.

I didn’t go to mine and I don’t regret not going (in my 30s now so it was a while ago!)

I didn’t go to the year 13 one either, just wasn’t my thing at the time

I would be delighted. It is an awful tradition and I would do anything to support such a decision. The support for isolation should be in other ways.

I also think you should talk to the school if they have been 'banging on' for months about it. Such an event I consider to be heteronormative and not necessarily considerate to people who are neurodiverse.

OP I had no interest in going to prom either, instead I arranged for myself and a few friends (some of whom did go to the prom) to go to alton towers instead to celebrate finishing school.
My parents helped by hiring a car and using their own, both drove me and my friends the 2 hours to alton and back, and once we got there they went off around the theme park by themselves. It was a great day, and I appreciate it even to this day 15 years later that they accepted what I wanted and supported me. Maybe ask her if she'd like to do something else instead?

Urgh I went to two year 11 ones - my own and then I had a boyfriend at the time who went to the all boys’ school so I went to his with him as well. I quite enjoyed choosing a nice dress (back in the early 00s they weren’t quite as crazy with fake tan, hair, nails as well etc!) but the events themselves were rubbish - I hate dancing, I wasn’t part of the super cool crowd (though not a misfit either) so it was all just a bit dull. Skipped the sixth form Christmas ball as I couldn’t be bothered with it and don’t regret it at all!

None of my 4 went to theirs and I found myself feeling quite proud.
They just found them cringey and embarrassing and just didn't fancy it. They are all sociable and have lots of friends and at prom age would rather be at a house party or in my daughters case trying to get into clubs with fake Id
My youngest starts secondary school this year but is also quite headstrong and doesn't follow the crowd so it will be interesting to see if she goes to hers in 5 years.

Plan something nice for you and her to do instead and congratulate her for finishing school that way. If she’s feeling anxious and insecure, knowing you listen and are there for her will be a huge help.

It's perfectly normal to be a bit sad about this, especially since your DD has social anxiety and had lost some friendships recently.

However it doesn't sound as if Prom would ever have been her cup of tea, and hopefully she may now be moving on to a sixth form college? She is much more likely to find friends on her own wavelength there. I think lots of children have outgrown longstanding friendships by Y11, whether this is openly acknowledged or not.

I didn't go to mine for similar reasons, it's was 17 years ago and I can't say I've ever regretted it. It wasn't my thing then and still isn't now. She may just not feel comfortable in those kinds of social situations and would feel more comfortable not going to an event like that.

Your daughter is right. It IS cringe and embarrassing. Give her a cuddle and respect her opinion

It’s so interesting to me that girls, in particular, are expected to conform to a stereotype of how they should celebrate leaving school. This smacks to me of 1950s coming out or debutante balls. What a retrograde step. A parade of identikit dollies doesn’t say to me ‘well rounded individuals who have benefited from their education, know their own minds and have developed their own personalities’. Which was how my teachers, and my parents, judged the success of the job they’d done. I left school in the late 80s. We were a disparate group who had developed into people with varied interests. School didn’t have a party for us, so friendship groups each did their own thing, whatever made them happy, and marked this passage in the way they wanted to.

At this age, they shouldn’t all want he same thing! It’s not weird to be different. I’ll bet 50% of those going would rather do something else, or nothing at all, but are succumbing to pressure for an insta evening. We are selling our girls short all the time by trying to shove them back into a social mould.

OP, I am not concerned that your daughter has recognised she’s grown apart from a girl she’s known since she was 11. They will both have changed immensely since then, and it sounds as though your daughter is the more mature to recognise they have grown in different directions. That’s good! She’s ready to go out and find her tribe. She’ll need her maturity and confidence to help with that so please do try and help her with social anxiety, if that’s what it is. But be sure first it’s not just that she doesn’t enjoy the sorts of social events that she is ‘supposed’ to and is being pushed towards. She might just want to plough her own furrow, and do things she does enjoy. Which is great, and not a problem at all.

I think she may regret not going but wouldn't regret going. And "social anxiety" will stop her from doing things she wants to in lives And needs addressing urgently.

DD didn't go, a few friends also didn't want to and they arranged to go bowling and get food smart night as they preferred to celebrate just them

Would you want to spend a load of money and time getting ready to go to a party with a bunch of people you don't like / aren't nice to you, celebrating something you're probably to see the back of? What exactly would she "miss out" on if she doesn't like it anyway?

What is this weird thing where mothers are desperate to dress their daughters in satin and make them into fairy princesses?

Buy a doll

I wish I hadn't gone to mine.

But I can barely remember it anyway. Just that it was shit.

We didn’t have proms when I left school in the late 90s. It really didn’t bother me. If we had a prom I’d have been unable to go anyway because of bullies, so at least there was nothing for me to miss out on.

My dd doesn't want to go to prom either. A tiny bit of me is sad that she's missing out but I'm mostly relieved as she's very anxious over her looks and needs constant reassurance and (selifishly) I'd be a bag on nerves on the day that she'll refuse to go anyway because a hair will be out of place ir whatever. At least this way we can just arrange to do something she really wants to do to celebrate the end of school on her terms.

I'm so glad this wasn't a thing when I was at school, I wouldn't have wanted to go either, my idea of hell at that age. She'd only be missing out if she really wanted to go but couldn't so I wouldn't worry OP.

My dd1 didn't go to hers. She isn't girly so didn't want to dress up and she hates parties. It would have been hell for her. We got dominos instead on the day and had a movie night. I felt sad at first but then realised how much she would have hated it. DD2 is going to hers this year (although it was touch and go). Dress picked. She ended up wanting to go which I am secretly happy about (although shouldn't be as it's no big deal really)

To add dd2 has her own style. Her dress isn't princessy in the slightest and was bought from a watehouse type place so was quite cheap. She doesn't want her nails doing and is trusting me to do her hair so it has not cost a fortune at all. She's not into make-up either

Good for her! There's a whole generation of teenagers who all had their prom cancelled in 2020 and some in 2021. Think of all those expensive dresses hanging unworn at the back of the wardrobe.

My daughter was one of these, she couldn't care less now but not going to the prom, for various reasons, is far more widespread (and cool) than you might think. It's just a school disco in fancy dress.

I didn't go to mine. I was at Glastonbury instead having a much better time!