To feel sad DD doesn't want to go to her prom

[Noprommum]

DD, year 11, has said she is absolutely not going to her prom.

She's been saying for a long time she's not keen but I thought she'd come round. Most of her friends are going and have been trying to persuade her but she says dressing up in a pretty dress is just not for her and finds the whole idea of prom cringe and embarrassing and she doesn't want to go. To be fair, she's not a girly girl, lives in joggers and dresses mainly in black so I get that part of it.

She is a very strong character and genuinely doesn't seem to care what others think. However, I do feel lockdown affected her socially, her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

AIBU to feel sad and worried at her missing out? There's no way I'm going to try and change her mind as she's adamant but I can't help feeling sad. I think I'll stay away from social media that day as I know it'll be full of her peers parents posting prom pics and I know I'll feel sad I can't post any myself which I obviously know is bloody selfish as it's not about me!!! However, it's seen as such a big, special event - school have been banging on about it for months!

Anyone else's child not going/didn't go to prom? Is it really such a big deal?

The shrinking social group and the social anxiety are things to be concerned about. In this case, not wanting to go to Prom seems to be a manifestation of that*, her going won’t change those other things.

*Possibly, possibly she would never have wanted to go. - as pp attest, some people just aren’t bothered.

YANBU to feel sad, as her mother

We didn't have Proms in my day, but if we did I very much doubt I would have wanted to attend. School socials were my idea of Hell. Don't feel sad OP, your DD would go if she wanted to - the fact that she doesn't is nothing to worry about. Be proud that she knows her own mind and doesn't just go along with the majority for no good reason.

I’d be pleased OP.

The prom was a massive ball ache in our house with one of our DDs and cost a fortune. Took ages to find the right dress, then DD wanted nails, hair, spray tan … then another dress for the after party as she couldn’t possibly wear the same one 🤷🏼‍♀️. Then a big debate about transport to get there.

Now at 21 she looks back and says how crap it was.

When I left school we got our shirts signed and went to the pub … showing my age

Most of us didn't go to ours. She's right, it IS cringe and embarrassing!

You could get her a fab hoodie with the money you save on the prom dress!

YABU, proms weren’t even around in the UK in the 90s when I was at school. It’s hardly a rite of passage.

YANBU.

If it was just the prom, that would be one thing.

It sounds like much, much more than that to me.

Didn't go to mine. Never regretted it snd never felt like I missed out! They're the weirdest most boring event. All my friends built it up in their heads to be this amazing thing and most were disappointed. There's plenty of time for proper parties, events, going out etc that doesn't include a shit meal, over looked by teachers.

I vaguely remember my school having a sixth form “leaving do” in the mid-90s. I don’t know who went to it though, certainly none of the crowd I socialised with, who’d all been filling the local pubs every Friday night for the past two years. Nobody would have been seen dead at a school-organised event, the idea was laughable. I find it really odd and a bit sad that school leavers have swallowed the American-style conformity of the prom. If my daughter wasn’t interested, I’d be proud that she had a mind of her own, and irritated that something supposed to be a rite of passage was unable to accommodate her.

Proms didn't exist when I was at school. Dd had no interest in going to hers although it was cancelled due to covid anyway

I’d be so proud of her for knowing her own mind and having a strong personality. I really didn’t at her age - in fact I didn’t know my own mind until I was about 30 to be honest.

But having social anxiety is more concerning and I would want to try and help her with that.

There was no prom when I left primary school, instead we went to an adventure place where we ice skated, played pool, soft play, table hockey, arcade machines and bowling. MUCH more fun.
I would have hated a prom.

One of mine decided to go last minute, the other didn’t want to go. And that’s ok.

Leave her be! It would have been my idea of hell too. Good on her for having her own mind. Take her out for dinner and celebrate with her, maybe take her somewhere of her choosing for a photo shoot (even if you take the photos yourself of her in an environment she loves). Let her be herself and celebrate who she is

^They are a dreadful, dreadful thing. Year 11 girls taught to dress up, look pretty, be homogenous, conform to a load of old bollocks. Be asked by a boy FFS. Yuk.

Your daughter is plowing her own furrow, she's her own person. You are incredibly lucky and so is she.^

I couldn’t agree more.

@Sunnymorningsinspring

YANBU.

If it was just the prom, that would be one thing.

It sounds like much, much more than that to me.

@Sunnymorningsinspring exactly. While everyone is lining up to bash proms and show their supposed individual streak, the bigger picture is missed.

@Noprommum this is a symptom of something much deeper going on. She’s isolating herself and possibly sinking into a depression. Can you possibly get her some therapy help and professionals to talk to? Do you have details about what happened with her best friend? I’d reach out to her other friends and possibly their parents as well for advice.

Regarding clothes, I’d also take the angle that she doesn’t need to wear a dress. She can wear a suit or other outfit that makes her feel comfortable. If she’s a practical person then I’d propose that she can buy these “special occasion” clothes that can be reworn in daily life.

Nonetheless, the biggest issue to get to the bottom of what is emotionally happening with her. It sounds like she’s spiraling.

I didn't go to our 'debs' which is what we called it. My husband didn't go to his either. No regrets although I think it indicates someone who didn't enjoy school that much.

Proms are fine if kids enjoy them and like getting dressed up.

However I went to mine and regretted going, didn’t enjoy it and felt it off place all night. (I was a nervous, shy teen who liked a hoody and pair of leggings ). I forced myself to go because I thought I’d miss out if I didn’t go.

Good for her for knowing her own mind.

I don't think it's that much of a shame about prom by itself, but in context as she's been struggling socially since lockdown then yes it is.

Sounds like she's a sensible well rounded girl. Don't be sad ir her. Be proud.

@SquirrelG

We didn't have Proms in my day, but if we did I very much doubt I would have wanted to attend. School socials were my idea of Hell. Don't feel sad OP, your DD would go if she wanted to - the fact that she doesn't is nothing to worry about. Be proud that she knows her own mind and doesn't just go along with the majority for no good reason.

Gawd, yes! I was Y11 in 74, so Y13 in 76. We just finished exams and that was it - no dance or anything. I was a fat kid from a poor background and I would have hated the whole prom thing.

In my opinion, they put massive pressure on kids to conform and on parents to pay out shedloads for one evening.

If she doesn’t want to go I’d just leave it.

I didn’t go to mine because it’s not my cup of tea and many years later I’m still pleased with my decision.

her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

Well rounded?