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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad DD doesn't want to go to her prom

206 replies

Noprommum · 25/03/2022 00:10

DD, year 11, has said she is absolutely not going to her prom.

She's been saying for a long time she's not keen but I thought she'd come round. Most of her friends are going and have been trying to persuade her but she says dressing up in a pretty dress is just not for her and finds the whole idea of prom cringe and embarrassing and she doesn't want to go. To be fair, she's not a girly girl, lives in joggers and dresses mainly in black so I get that part of it.

She is a very strong character and genuinely doesn't seem to care what others think. However, I do feel lockdown affected her socially, her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

AIBU to feel sad and worried at her missing out? There's no way I'm going to try and change her mind as she's adamant but I can't help feeling sad. I think I'll stay away from social media that day as I know it'll be full of her peers parents posting prom pics and I know I'll feel sad I can't post any myself which I obviously know is bloody selfish as it's not about me!!! However, it's seen as such a big, special event - school have been banging on about it for months!

Anyone else's child not going/didn't go to prom? Is it really such a big deal?

OP posts:
NotNotNotMyName · 25/03/2022 09:58

My kids aren’t going to theirs either. Tbh I find the whole idea repulsive. Plus my DDs sixth form one is being organised by one of the “popular”, cliquey girls…no one seems to want to go. This is not America.

Bring back the 80s school disco I say!

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 25/03/2022 09:59

I pushed my daughter to go to hers and although she enjoyed the dressing up and pre-drinks at ours she hated the prom itself (just as she thought she would). Being in a crowd of noisy, over excited teenagers with loud music blaring just wasn't her thing. I should have listened to her.

HW1989 · 25/03/2022 10:01

I had no interest in going to my prom and have never regretted it. A friend and I spent the money on a day out in London going for a meal and the theatre, I’m sure I enjoyed that far more than dressing in a tacky prom dress and trying to sneak booze into a party surrounded by teachers! All of my friends who did go still say it wasn’t worth it.

DdraigGoch · 25/03/2022 10:02

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Some parents found me took the daughter’s to New York to buy a dress.

I’m pleased Dd isn’t going!

Was Harrods not good enough for them?

Strewth

Abouttimemum · 25/03/2022 10:06

I felt like I had to go to mine and I did but was uncomfortable the whole time. I still hate anything which requires me to wear uncomfortable clothes, dresses etc but force myself to make the effort although always wear flat shoes whatever is going on!

Anyway it made absolutely no difference to my life and whether I went or not wouldn’t have mattered.

I understand why you’re sad in the moment though.

HoppingPavlova · 25/03/2022 10:12

Maybe leave it. I went to my prom 40 odd years ago, had a smile on my face but hated it. Went to a few other proms as well as girlfriend in the few years leading up to mine and one same year as mine. Put a smile on my face but hated those also. I wouldn’t have been unhappy to leave any prom I attended 2 minutes after arriving, they were chores I suffered through.

Once at uni, we had a yearly faculty ball, I went and had a genuine smile on my face as (no pun intended) I had an absolute ball. Loved them.

Looking back, I really wish I hadn’t bothered attending my prom or anyone else’s as was a waste of hours you never get back. I’m sure many people loved them though.

Plasmodesmata · 25/03/2022 10:12

My year 12 son would have gone to his but it was cancelled and never got rearranged.
My year 11 son is not going. He hates the whole idea of it. I'd have been the same if they'd had proms back in the mists of time when I left school.

Feeellostindirection · 25/03/2022 10:13

My dd is yr10 but has insisted all along she won't go to prom next year, she isn't into dresses, hasn't enjoyed school and doesn't like most of the other kids. It's entirely up to her and I won't lose any sleep if she still feels the same when the time comes. She would much rather have a nice meal somewhere with the family.

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 25/03/2022 10:16

My daughter has said that she doesn't want to go either. Her plan is to dress up anyway and go to krispy kreme instead.

I will not be funding this expedition.

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 25/03/2022 10:16

ps. she did indulge me in a girly dress trying on sesh so I am ok with whatever she wants to do

DrSbaitso · 25/03/2022 10:17

They didn't even like it in Grease.

I enjoyed my university leaving ball but I hated my dress and can't really remember much about it. It was another drunk night out with more expensive dresses.

aSofaNearYou · 25/03/2022 10:17

Going against the grain I didn't go to mine and did regret it.

Have you suggested she could go but doesn't need to wear a girly dress?

longtompot · 25/03/2022 10:20

My YD didn't go to hers, my DS did go to his but probably wouldn't have done if he didn't have a GF who really wanted to go and ED wore a mens suit to hers.
I think it would be a great idea her hanging out with the other friend who can't go. I hope they have a great night

theleafandnotthetree · 25/03/2022 10:28

I don't think there's any need to trash the whole concept necessarily or to be condescending and snobby about it as some here have been. I went to mine, wearing what could have been considered quite an alternative outfit at the time, had a great time with my friends and have happy memories of it. The OP's daughter is right not to go if she doesn't want to but not every girl that does is a superficial airhead and lots of people do in fact have a fantastic time. OP, I get you - you don't want your daughter to have regrets or push herself further into the outsider category, this is an understandable and perfectly human reaction in the real world.

Loyaultemelie · 25/03/2022 10:31

I'd be so proud of her not feeling she has to conform and being strong enough to say no I don't want to go. Look at all the threads on here about Christmas parties and other events that adults with social anxiety dread and have an awful time at because they don't feel able to refuse.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/03/2022 10:33

@emmathedilemma

Your daughter sounds great! Good on her for not following the flock.
I hate this kind of sneering attitude. The 'flock'as you describe them is made up of all sorts of ordinary young people, most of whom just want to go and get dressed up and have a good time with their friends. There is nothing at all wrong with that and the over the top spending etc is a choice but certainly not essential. I know girls who've borrowed dresses, worn vintage, do each others hair and make up, etc.
MrsSkylerWhite · 25/03/2022 10:35

YABU. She’s not you.

Thehonestybox · 25/03/2022 10:38

I had the choice to to go what would've been my first gig or my prom. Chose the prom and regretted it forever. It was just a naff school disco with the richer kids in £2000 dresses, an ultra naff photographer and some boys passing around a completely legal cigar and acting like it was crack.

Really wish I'd gone to the gig instead!

AngelinaFibres · 25/03/2022 10:47

@aSofaNearYou

Going against the grain I didn't go to mine and did regret it.

Have you suggested she could go but doesn't need to wear a girly dress?

My sons both went to theirs. Easier for boys I think. The trouble with wearing something 'different' is that you stand out even more than if you wore the standard thing. And you would really have to feel comfortable with that.The girls at our proms were all fake tanned, fake nails, big hair and shiny evening dresses. If a girl had worn an evening suit like the boys or something more ordinary she would really have to 'own' the look or potentially feel even more awkward and uncomfortable than if she wore a dress or didn't go at all.
godmum56 · 25/03/2022 10:54

@MrsTerryPratchett

They are a dreadful, dreadful thing. Year 11 girls taught to dress up, look pretty, be homogenous, conform to a load of old bollocks. Be asked by a boy FFS. Yuk.

Your daughter is plowing her own furrow, she's her own person. You are incredibly lucky and so is she.

I have a leggings and hoodies, non-conformer as well. I would have a brilliant night out with her. What would she like? You could find something great. Museums, night out somewhere, special dinner, whatever.

This absolutely. Proms were not a thing when I was at school, but we had two formal balls at college that we were "supposed" to attend. At the time, we were the first years intake to be adult at 18 and the college was still coming to terms with the fact that they were no longer in loco parentis. There was some conversation with me when I didn't go to the one at the end of the first year but I made it clear that I wasn't going. That year by coincidence, there was another girl whose father was a ford car worker. It was at the time of the strikes and lock outs and she didn't know from week to week whether she would be able to stay at college. Therer was no question of her affording a dress to go in so we spent the evening together, had chips (couldn't afford fish) and enjoyed having full control of the of the common room telly. By my third year, the college had realised that they could no longer insist and about half the year didn't go. I seriously have no idea why such expensive pointless and dated customs continue.
THisbackwithavengeance · 25/03/2022 10:56

Came on to say something along these lines but Theleaf beat me to it.

It's not bad wanting to go to a prom and getting a nice dress and having a laugh with your friends. It doesn't make you superior or "edgy" just because you chose to stay at home in your hoody and trackies.

FWIW, I used to avoid social events as a school aged teenager because I was a shy and overweight. I wish I had been more confident and more sociable.

poolblue · 25/03/2022 10:57

Y11 proms are a nightmare for the school too. Lots of kids just wanting to have a nice time, some hating the idea but not brave enough to dip out due to peer pressure, some going OTT and spending £££ on dresses, spray tans nails etc. creates a divisive end of year IMO.
Also on the night itself it's hard to get staff to attend voluntarily on their own time and supervise. Every year students seem to think we will fall for the vodka in a water bottle ruse and it ends in tears.

Wish we could go back to having a lunchtime bbq with shirt signing.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/03/2022 11:00

I didn't go to my prom. It was around 15 years ago now. I was told by everyone I should go, I'd regret it and look back and wished that I had gone.

I can absolutely tell you that I'm pleased I didn't go, don't regret it at all and would do the same again.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/03/2022 11:01

@THisbackwithavengeance

Came on to say something along these lines but Theleaf beat me to it.

It's not bad wanting to go to a prom and getting a nice dress and having a laugh with your friends. It doesn't make you superior or "edgy" just because you chose to stay at home in your hoody and trackies.

FWIW, I used to avoid social events as a school aged teenager because I was a shy and overweight. I wish I had been more confident and more sociable.

Exactly this, and there is a difference between 'positively' deciding not to go in a breezy 'it's not my thing, Id rather do this thing instead' and the scenario where someone is feeling too anxious or lacking in confidence to go. The former is nothing for anyone to question or worry about but if it were my daughter in the latter scenario, I would feel sad for her and worry about her. This wouldn't make me some kind of promzilla monster.
emmathedilemma · 25/03/2022 11:02

@theleafandnotthetree I wasn't sneering, I was pleased that she knows her own mind and doesn't feel the need to do what everyone else is doing.