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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad DD doesn't want to go to her prom

206 replies

Noprommum · 25/03/2022 00:10

DD, year 11, has said she is absolutely not going to her prom.

She's been saying for a long time she's not keen but I thought she'd come round. Most of her friends are going and have been trying to persuade her but she says dressing up in a pretty dress is just not for her and finds the whole idea of prom cringe and embarrassing and she doesn't want to go. To be fair, she's not a girly girl, lives in joggers and dresses mainly in black so I get that part of it.

She is a very strong character and genuinely doesn't seem to care what others think. However, I do feel lockdown affected her socially, her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

AIBU to feel sad and worried at her missing out? There's no way I'm going to try and change her mind as she's adamant but I can't help feeling sad. I think I'll stay away from social media that day as I know it'll be full of her peers parents posting prom pics and I know I'll feel sad I can't post any myself which I obviously know is bloody selfish as it's not about me!!! However, it's seen as such a big, special event - school have been banging on about it for months!

Anyone else's child not going/didn't go to prom? Is it really such a big deal?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 25/03/2022 08:17

Its lots of pressure. Much easier when I was at high school. We just had leavers disco in school hall, very low key, everyone just walked to school in their jeans and going out tops

galacticpixels · 25/03/2022 08:17

I didn't go to mine, it was my idea of hell. All secondary school I dreaded it until I realised I could just not go. I was so relieved. It's been 12 years and I've never once regretted it. There's no point in her going if it's just not her thing. Be glad she has her own mind!

I did go to some balls in uni and had a great time - there was no pressure around dates or drink etc, just dressing up and having fun with my friends (which were easier to make in uni too).

Hbh17 · 25/03/2022 08:20

Good for her! She is an independent person who knows her own mind, who doesn't want to follow the crowd & be dressed up like a dolly. Who wouldn't want such an impressive daughter?

FoxyFoxyLoxy · 25/03/2022 08:21

We didn't have prom as it wasn't a thing when I was at school but we did have a sixth year dance/ball to mark the end of school and although it wasn't limos and fake tan, it was still the posh frocks and high heels.

I didn't go, not my thing, don't regret it 30 odd years later.

CounsellorTroi · 25/03/2022 08:24

Proms were not a thing when I was at school. If they had been they would have been a huge cause of stress for me as I suffered terrible social anxiety. Please leave your daughter be.

Wheniruletheworld · 25/03/2022 08:28

i am so ancient that a prom was only an American thing. We had the odd school disco -nightmares of anxiety! I'm with your daughter!

Original poster
Noprommum · 25/03/2022 08:29

*her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

Well rounded?*

Yeah, deep down I think there's a bigger problem & not going to prom has highlighted it. DD supported ex-best friend through major MH issues during lockdown despite having anxieties of her own. Friend got better, got fed up with DD not wanting to hang out so moved on. She now hangs with cool crowd, has a boyfriend and is very much going to prom. DD says she may spend the prom night with one friend who is not going as not allowed for religious reasons.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 25/03/2022 08:31

My son won't go either......oh well.

crossstitchingnana · 25/03/2022 08:35

My dd didn't go either. Her choice. I didn't bat an eyelid as I think it's over-blown nonsense. The pressure to look amazing, the limos etc. is ridiculous!!

What was wrong with the British "leavers disco"?

JingsMahBucket · 25/03/2022 08:38

@Noprommum that’s good that she may see another person after all. The key thing is to prevent her world from shrinking too much and her spiraling.

peachy3 · 25/03/2022 08:43

I didn’t go and I never regretted it, I’m 24 now. I couldn’t justify my parents buying me a dress and paying the fee for prom when I was bullied all through high school and didn’t fancy paying to spend any extra time with my horrible classmates. Gently, it isn’t about your feelings in this case, and saying you’re going to stay off of social media because of other parents posts is a little dramatic. She doesn’t want to go, maybe try and do something with her that night, bobs with each other.

AndAsIfByMagic · 25/03/2022 08:43

Proms are a dreadful American import and an abomination.

I wish schools would do away with them. So much angst on these boards about them.

peachy3 · 25/03/2022 08:44

Bond with each other* 🤦🏻‍♀️

BirdWatch · 25/03/2022 08:44

My eldest DC did not want to go and didn't, my younger DC went.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 25/03/2022 08:50

My dd and non of her friends are going. She wears jeans all the time. Just not interested. I admire her attitude.

I wa a secondary teacher for 26 years. Some girls would start planning what to wear at the start of Year 10 and became just obsessive about it.

That was really depressing. So🙌To all those who do g want to go.

gannett · 25/03/2022 08:52

@Noprommum

*her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

Well rounded?*

Yeah, deep down I think there's a bigger problem & not going to prom has highlighted it. DD supported ex-best friend through major MH issues during lockdown despite having anxieties of her own. Friend got better, got fed up with DD not wanting to hang out so moved on. She now hangs with cool crowd, has a boyfriend and is very much going to prom. DD says she may spend the prom night with one friend who is not going as not allowed for religious reasons.

This also shows your DD in a great light.

Sucks that her ex best friend went mean girl on her, but that's for the best in the long term. In a few years when your DD is an adult who's found her real friends, she'll barely remember the shallow ex-BF.

Whose · 25/03/2022 08:54

Good for her

Fupoffyagrasshole · 25/03/2022 08:58

I was pressured into going to mine and have to say it was one of the crappest nights out I ever had 😂😂😂

CoastalWave · 25/03/2022 08:58

Think they're awful. Should be stopped!

They didn't have 'prom' when I left school in 1992. We just left. We did however have a graduation ball at uni which I imagine now is the same kind of thing. I remember it was the biggest let down ever.

Girls these days (well the mums) seem to spend more on their daughters dress going to prom than I spent on my wedding dress. It all seems to be about who can look the prettiest. Totally against what we're trying to teach young women surely!?

She won't regret it. I actually regret going to my graduation ball!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 25/03/2022 09:00

I went to mine back when I was 18 (yr 13), spent a fortune on the dress, hair and makeup, all my friends went and our boyfriends. Was a sort of non-event! Just a party in hotel function room heavily monitored by teachers and loads of drink limitations.

I can barely remember much about it other than the disappointment.

Agapornis · 25/03/2022 09:02

I did go and it was very mediocre, not helped by only having peripheral friends (I've not seen them since school). Having a nice night with the friend who isn't going either sounds much more fun.

I'd love to wear a nice suit, though.

Blurp · 25/03/2022 09:06

I'm another one who didn't go to mine - just not my "thing" at all and I had no interest in going. I never understood why people were constantly surprised that I wasn't going, to be honest, and it made me feel like I was really strange.

If your daughter doesn't want to go, please don't make a fuss, or insist on doing something "instead". Would you do something instead of a football match, or a concert, or anything else she didn't fancy going to? She's allowed to not be interested.

Maybe encourage friendships in other ways - would she enjoy having a friend round after school, or a group of friends for a barbecue when the weather improves? Or does she have one close friend and is there an activity they'd enjoy? Eg if she likes something like board gaming, can you get her vouchers for a board game café for her birthday, so she can take a friend? Or a craft class, or a rock climbing session or whatever she's into?

Thirkettle · 25/03/2022 09:08

Proms are a complete waste of money, and as a girl who did not like dresses and makeup I'd have deeply resented any suggestion that I should look that way. Dopey events like this are not must have experiences. Well done on her for doing what she wants.

Notjustanymum · 25/03/2022 09:09

School proms are just awful. An attempted reincarnation of the Deb’s balls of the 19th and 20th Century which were sensibly dropped after the end of WWII, but which in the 2000’s were reintroduced by the creeping influence of US films. Unless you are really into dancing, formally, a prom is simply an expensive, show-offy, hormonal event that a lot of people don’t want to be involved with! I am pleased that my DC weren’t in schools that promoted these (it was just creeping into other schools in the area at the time they finished school) but I know that neither of them would have signed up for one, had it been offered…
Don’t be sad, OP, be proud that your DD is so independently-minded!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 25/03/2022 09:10

Some parents found me took the daughter’s to New York to buy a dress.

I’m pleased Dd isn’t going!