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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad DD doesn't want to go to her prom

206 replies

Noprommum · 25/03/2022 00:10

DD, year 11, has said she is absolutely not going to her prom.

She's been saying for a long time she's not keen but I thought she'd come round. Most of her friends are going and have been trying to persuade her but she says dressing up in a pretty dress is just not for her and finds the whole idea of prom cringe and embarrassing and she doesn't want to go. To be fair, she's not a girly girl, lives in joggers and dresses mainly in black so I get that part of it.

She is a very strong character and genuinely doesn't seem to care what others think. However, I do feel lockdown affected her socially, her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

AIBU to feel sad and worried at her missing out? There's no way I'm going to try and change her mind as she's adamant but I can't help feeling sad. I think I'll stay away from social media that day as I know it'll be full of her peers parents posting prom pics and I know I'll feel sad I can't post any myself which I obviously know is bloody selfish as it's not about me!!! However, it's seen as such a big, special event - school have been banging on about it for months!

Anyone else's child not going/didn't go to prom? Is it really such a big deal?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 25/03/2022 09:13

Shame they are called proms and over hyped I enjoyed mine - leavers discos chance to wear a nice dress and be with friends. The 6th form one was better / gentler we had a nice cohort and some great teachers it was seen as a nice end of school goodbye thing. Remember having a proper adult chat with my form tutor interesting to hear the adult perspective on managing our form once out the other side. The fact it’s now so full on is a shame as it’s polarising and less is inclusive.

cherryonthecakes · 25/03/2022 09:16

Mine went because she had FOMO but declared it overrated. She didn't go to her year 13 one

ButYouBetterNotTakeItFromMe · 25/03/2022 09:16

I'm disappointed that my DC does want to go. It's a new experience for me as my elder 2 didn't. I've been very clear on the expenditure issue though. DC has several expensive hobbies which I don't mind supporting as they are constructive, worthwhile uses of time. But I'm damned if I'm wasting £100s on this nonsense.

ChampagneLassie · 25/03/2022 09:16

Did not realise prom was a widespread thing in England. Just googled "when did proms start in English schools" apparently 2000s. I can't think of anything more hideous. If your daughter isn't interested drop it. I would be concerned about social anxiety and try to find things she does want to do to get her out interacting with people.

flowerfake · 25/03/2022 09:19

I skipped a huge formal end of university ball thing as I didn't fancy it.

Took a youth group kayaking on a river instead and had a great time. Much more me. Fun and relaxed.

It was 25 years ago and I am still glad I chose to spend that day in the sunshine and relaxed and not following the crowd.

PenStation · 25/03/2022 09:22

It sounds as though she could do with more support around her anxiety. Are there some things she’d do with you, nice stuff where you had chance to talk? Day at a spa? Lunch in the city? Hike? Wondering if school has any resources.

My kid’s school doesn’t even bother with a prom and no one cares. That isn’t a big deal.

Snaketime · 25/03/2022 09:22

I didnt go to my prom. Can't think of anything worse than spending the night with the bunch of 'popular' bitchy girls and boys that used to bully me and my friends, just sitting in the corner out of the way

Just because her friendship group has shrunk doesn't mean she is missing out, it just means she is finding out who her real friends are. Quality over quantity.

Tobacco · 25/03/2022 09:23

I went to various school discos and a school ball and wish I hadn't bothered really. Didn't really enjoy them. I was quite sociable in other contexts.

emmathedilemma · 25/03/2022 09:29

Your daughter sounds great! Good on her for not following the flock.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 25/03/2022 09:30

If she doesn't want to go, fine.
My elder dds went to theirs. Both enjoyed it hugely. Nice way to finish off school. Let's face it, when else do they get a chance to do that?

Bramshott · 25/03/2022 09:31

Of course Proms are not compulsory and if your DD doesn't want to go then that's absolutely fine.

But if it's that she doesn't buy into the whole "prom dress" thing, do reassure her that there will be people there in all sorts of outfits - some in the over the top prom dresses, some in a dress they bought from a department store last week, and some in something more quirky like a tux or trousers and fitted jacket.

AuntMargo · 25/03/2022 09:34

I think your daughter has a brilliant future ahead of her, she knows her own mind, and doesn't feel the need to follow the crowd. She will do well in life

neverlyeverly · 25/03/2022 09:36

My dd didn't go to her prom. I did feel sad because it's become such a big thing, so I thought she was missing out, but she was adamant it wasn't her kind of thing and doesn't regret it. She's never been into all that high maintenance glamour, much more of a practical grungy girl, and I'm proud she made the decision and didn't feel pressurised to go or to pretend to be someone she isn't. I took her to a West End musical instead to celebrate the end of school.

CrunchyCarrot · 25/03/2022 09:39

When I was young we didn't have proms, but I know at that age I wouldn't have wanted to go, for many reasons. All I can say is please respect your daughter's wishes. She won't be missing out on anything crucial and will likely thank you in years to come!

BigFatLiar · 25/03/2022 09:43

We didn't have proms, school disco/dance though. Not what its made out to be these days. I went, it was ok but I wasn't one of the 'pretty' girls, a bit awkward still it was ok.

The girls went to their 'proms' and dances, had a good time but they had a good set of friends. (We went along to one to chaperone, it was actually pretty boring)

DH and I sometimes get dressed up and go out for a tea dance or dinner dance, we quite enjoy it.

Samcro · 25/03/2022 09:45

mine didn't go. hated school, has no regrets

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 25/03/2022 09:47

I don't think its a big deal, if she doesn't want to go she doesn't want to go.

If it was just down to not wanting to wear a dress then I'd suggest a suit or something else.

Sidisawetlettuce · 25/03/2022 09:50

I was really proud that my niece decided not to go to hers! She said it was a waste of money and a load of hyped up crap. She and a few friends went bowling instead. Don't fell sad. Feel bloody proud that your DD knows her own mind and has the confidence not to give in to peer pressure.

notangelinajolie · 25/03/2022 09:55

It's great that your DD has made up her own mind and has made the decision not to go. Peer pressure at her age is massive and she has shown great strength of character in saying no, despite her school friends piling on the pressure. I doubt she will regret it. Well done to her.

Secjrdbjd · 25/03/2022 09:55

I think it’s a shame they have these things now. When I was your daughter’s age (about 20 years ago), we had a school disco and it was fun and exciting but not loads of pressure or formality.

It’s nice to make an occasion of things, but there’s something about the “prom” concept that just seems retrogressive and socially conservative.

I’m sure your daughter will be fine, don’t feel sad!

user1471443411 · 25/03/2022 09:55

Could you pay the deposit just in case she changes her mind nearer to the time? That's what I'm doing with mine who isn't sure whether she wants to go or not. If your dd is already adamant she doesn't want to go though, it's great that she knows her own mind so well. You could take her out on the night, or for a short break to celebrate the end of exams. And with the money you would save from a dress that might only be worn once, she could buy several outfits that she could wear for years.

Swimmum1206 · 25/03/2022 09:55

DS hasn't said whether he'll be going to his. He's not particularly into the big parties etc. I'm rather puzzled by the whole Y11 leavers events anyway seeing as around 90% of his year are staying on at the school for 6th form! They're doing leavers hoodies, year books, the whole lot, but why when they're not actually leaving the school????

GrannyBloomers · 25/03/2022 09:57

Mine isn't going. DS is not getting the yearbook or hoodie either. School has been an awful experience for him so he wants as little to do with it as possible.

Papayamya · 25/03/2022 09:58

@Sidisawetlettuce

I was really proud that my niece decided not to go to hers! She said it was a waste of money and a load of hyped up crap. She and a few friends went bowling instead. Don't fell sad. Feel bloody proud that your DD knows her own mind and has the confidence not to give in to peer pressure.
There's a difference between making a conscious decision not to go and socialise elsewhere with friends and not going because your mental health has taken a battering during lockdown surely?
Phos · 25/03/2022 09:58

I didn't go to mine and I don't regret it for a minute. Its a glorified school disco that ended up being called Prom at the insistence of school kids obsessed with US tv shows. Really not a big event at all.