To refuse to go to Glastonbury?

[WizzardPjs]

DH absolutely loves Glastonbury and has been going to every one since well before we met. He used to go with his ex wife and kids and said they loved it but I’ve since learnt from the kids that his ex and youngest son hated it and only went because he loved it so much.

When we got together he asked me to go with him and I agreed as I’d never been before. I kind of enjoyed it but found it very tiring, too busy, hated not getting a shower for days etc etc but on the whole, quite enjoyed the experience.

Then the next year he booked for us to go again. I didn’t like it as much this time and we ended up arguing at one point.

We went to the next one … I didn’t really enjoy it at all, the music is not to my taste at all, I hate the hot stuffy tents all on top of each other, I don’t like the attention seeking people, the noise, the dirt …

We went to the next one and I absolutely hated it. So much so that I burst into tears at one point as I was so overwhelmed, I got sunstroke, I was claustrophobic, hated the music (there literally wasn’t one band there that I liked), swore I’d never go again. Told DH.

Then Covid hit and we’ve had a good few years away from it now thank fuck.

DH has just announced that tickets are on sale this weekend. I’ve told him I don’t want to go but he is more than welcome to go with my cousin and her boyfriend who already have tickets and he gets on well with … he also met people there a few years back who he gets on well with so could easily meet up with them.

He’s gutted and says it won’t be the same without me, he doesn’t want to play gooseberry with other couples and really wants me to go with him. I’ve told him I genuinely hate it. It’s not me at all, it’s the complete opposite to what I find fun. I reminded him that last time I ended up in tears (and I never cry!!).

I told him I want to stay home with the dogs. He would probably enjoy it more without me there moaning anyway!! I don’t like socialising, I don’t drink alcohol anymore, I don’t like barging my way through crowds or fighting my way to the front of the stages … nor do I like trudging across acres and acres of fields to watch bands I’ve never heard of and I struggle to stay away passed 11pm as I’m a chronic anaemic - all the things he likes to do so I actually limit his experience if anything. I’m also diagnosed autistic so the sensory overload can make me irrationally angry, stressed out and emotional.

Now - to add balance - DH often does stuff he doesn’t particularly like for me … such as going to crufts, staying in “haunted” castles, going around museums etc but all this stuff is a day max - Glastonbury is 5 nights of hell for me.

At crufts this year he actually said “it’s ok, but I couldn’t do it for more than 1 day” !!!!

I know he loves Glastonbury and I don’t want to ruin this for him but I really really don’t want to go anymore. It’s not like I havnt given it a good go!?

YABU - just go - it’s 5 nights away and he does stuff you like
YANBU - you’ve tried it, you don’t like it - he can go on his own, you’re not asking him not to go, you just won’t be joining him.

There's a fair amount of compromise already going on in your relationship, but it sounds like you compromise more than he does.

He goes to 1 day events that you like and he doesn't - you go on 5 day events that you really hate and last time ended up in tears? Screw that for a lark

I'd suggest a compromise of you booking a hotel room for a single night (if you'd be OK with that) and saying 'I'll go for 2 days X and Y date, that's it... no more' and he can take it or leave it. As he's the one who wants to go, you're the one who holds all the cards.... and whilst I'm happy to do certain things I dislike due to my partner liking them, there's a limit.

It sounds like he actually doesn't care at all about you - who cares if you hated it? Who cares if you ended up in tears? Who cares if your walk wasn't as fun as you wanted as these random people came along? Who cares, so long as he gets what he wants?

YANBU! I hate festivals!

& like you, get too overwhelmed and hot, especially if I don’t know any of the music I just want to cry and go home.

Don’t spend money on anything you don’t want to do.

Thanks for the support and suggestions. I’ve broken down the finances of it …

DH going on his own:
Ticket - £250
Petrol - £100
Food/drink - £100
Total - £450

Both of us going:
Tickets - £500
Petrol - £130 (car will be heavier, I’m guessing)
Food and drink - £200
Dogs in kennels - £200
Total: £1030!!!!

I’m going to say to him that the money we save by me not going can give towards an American road trip holiday. I’m also going to tell him I will go to crufts next year on my own.

@ItsJustTheOneSwanActually

Christ, I'd rather go to the stake.

You've done your bit OP, more than.

And you deserve a bloody medal 😳 My idea of hell, mud, crowds, camping, portaloos, the unwashed general public.

Btw the American road trip is something we both want to do equally

@TheWernethWife

I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go to Glastonbury.

Me too. My idea of actual living hell.

You have been, tried, and have not had good experiences. He needs to go alone.

I am struggling to understand why you each do lots of things you don't, purely for the sake of doing them as a couple. It sounds like you need to rethink this - clearly some compromise is necessary eg sometimes you do things you wouldn't choose in order to spend time together, but why not start doing the big ones with friends who actually want to go? You go to crufts with a friend who likes dogs, he goes to Glastonbury with people who love it was much as he does.

I feel like I should want to go but I look at the sea of people on the TV and think “no thanks”. Just the crush of getting anywhere makes me feel claustrophobic. I’m with you… he can go with a friend and you find a dog loving friend to go to Crufts with.

You couldn't even get me to take free tickets!!!

(I used to work for an employer who required staff to man their stand. Everyone who expressed an interest was put in a staff ballot and a few got picked. They had to work one day but could spend the rest on site. There's something about 5 days in a cows field-which it is the remainder of the year- that doesn't appeal).

There's quite a low chance of getting them, these are the resales. I would love to go myself! It sounds like he does things for you and therefore it's fair to do his thing

250 quid to sleep in a muddy field? So many nopes.

Stick to your guns OP. Tell him if he pushes the issue you'll stay somewhere else the night before he leaves and come back when he's gone if you have to and that's the end of the conversation.

I'll go!

Sounds like you've done more than your bit, tried it, didn't like it, so YANBU in saying you don't want to go.

But, part of me feels a little sad that you don't want to go.

he wants us to do everything together

I would find that suffocating.

Stop inviting him to things you know he doesn't enjoy and arrange to go with friends instead. You also don't have to be joined at the hip. Don't waste money on a ticket for something you hate (and potentially prevents someone else getting one who really wants to go).

I think you need to sit down and have a chat about realistic expectations of doing some things separately.

i dont get why it matters if you go or not - if my husband said he didnt want to go to glastonbury I'd just say ok then - your loss and go with my mates!! haha really don't think couples have to do everything together - you are allowed have different interests

I personally never do anything I don't want to do

the resale is very limited anyway so chances are he wont be getting tickets anyway

I used to love Glastonbury but really went off it due to the organisers really pushing to make it almost a week long thing! When I went in the 90s it used to be possible to find a good camping spot if you arrived on the Thursday evening. Impossible now! Everyone stinks before the music even starts 😂

Make sure he knows your are definitely NOT going so he doesn’t just get you a ticket ‘just in case’ because that’s unfair to someone who would love to go. It’s going to be very difficult with a small sale so he may not get them at all anyway.

I love festivals but I wouldn’t take my partner it’s not his thing at all. It’s unfair making you do something for all those days that you dislike/can’t tolerate and comparing It to one day at crufts or a museum is really not the same in my opinion.

If I'm really, really bad in this life, & end up in hell, it will be Glastonbury festival. Expensive, filthy, smelly, confusing & deafening. And either boiling hot or it will be chucking it down.

It's actually really easy to get the shuttle bus from Castle Cary train station to the site.

However that's irrelevant as you don't enjoy it and don't have to go! Surely he has a friend who would enjoy it. It must be miserable for him as well. I'd definitely rather ditch a reluctant partner and have fun on my own than be with someone who wasn't enjoying themselves.

Yeah I’ve actually realised we tend to set off on Tuesday night to get there at 4am or something stupid Wednesday morning. We then have to sit in a car queue for hours until the gates actually open. I’m 40, I have a bad back which has got worse in the past few years. I just can’t imagine doing it again now.

One time we were stuck in traffic for hours and hours, I actually realised could have flown to America in the time it took us to get from the north east to Glastonbury. I was desperate for a wee - and I mean desperate, I was in real danger of wetting my pants and I couldn’t get out of the car so in desperation I tried to piss into a coke can in the car … it went everywhere. I had to sit in my own urine for 3 more hours knowing I wouldn’t be getting a shower until the next week.

You’re being sensible - it’s a lot of time and money to spend on something you don’t enjoy. The last time we went we took a camper van which was much better but still had to walk miles and I got heatstroke too! I love the music and I still found it tough some days!

im going this year and we splashed out for glamping! means we can go down Thursday night and not be worrying about a good camping spot!! First time leaving our baby so i don't want to be gone from Wednesday

For me its worth every penny cus i love it there

But it's not for you so don't be pressured to go!!

He sounds like he needs to learn to do things on his own tbh

I’ve suggested glamping in the past but he won’t have it, he says it goes against the spirit of the festival

My partner has never liked festivals. If my sister or a friend have been unavailable or not wanted to go, I go on my own. You always meet people to hang about with if you want but it can be liberating to be there on your own with no ties. You can see as much or as little as you want. Tell him to go on his own or put up and shut up. He is an adult not a teenager.

Nope. Don’t go, it’s simple. He can either go with other people or take a friend, or not go at all. You’re not telling him he can’t go. He’s being unreasonable. I love music but although I’m not autistic I can’t cope with too much sensory input so I empathise. It would be hell for you and he should know that. My mind is blown that either: he doesn’t get it, or, he does get it but doesn’t care. Ask him which one it is.