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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP Stops Me From Helping Others

280 replies

MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:05

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 22/03/2022 11:06

He sounds mean spirited, controlling and selfish. A lot of men are right enough.

AlexaShutUp · 22/03/2022 11:09

What makes him think that he has any right to dictate what you do in your own time?

Brefugee · 22/03/2022 11:09

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.

Yeah, stop doing that. He promises things, he can deliver.
As for the rest - just carry on being you. But do you envisage a future together?

Celticdawn5 · 22/03/2022 11:09

Selfish and sulky. Not a good mix.
I can only suggest you do what you want to do and ignore the sulks.

M0rT · 22/03/2022 11:11

My DH used to volunteer me to drive when he wasn't, I pulled out a few times and he stopped. Your time and efforts are your own to offer or not, he doesn't get to use you like a resource.

OldEvilOwl · 22/03/2022 11:12

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can

This would piss me off

Nowomenaroundeh · 22/03/2022 11:13

He definitely should not be offering you to do things. He's getting the credit for your actions.

My partner sometimes queries why I'm doing things for people. It really annoys me but he never interferes.

Caiti19 · 22/03/2022 11:15

I get this from husband and in-laws all the time. They have a "only worry about yourself" approach to life. I usually say "Generosity of spirit is integral to my nature and I believe it's a good thing that I will not be trying to change in order to make you happy. Cheers."

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:15

I definitely envisage a future together and generally speaking I just keep doing what I want to do and ignore the sulks. I am hoping that if I do this he will just get used to it!
He is an anxious person who highly values a strong sense of routine and I think the sulking comes from a place of panic - but I always go the extra mile to ensure that his needs are met and his routine is not disrupted.

OP posts:
Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:19

@Caiti19
Thank you - I think I will start using that line if you don't mind?

Let's face it, generosity of spirit is probably something that attracted our partners in the first place? DP and in-laws certainly benefit from my willingness to inconvenience myself to help others, he just isn't so keen on sharing!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:20

This is very interesting - I was expecting everyone to give me a bashing for offering up my time without considering the feelings of DP!! How wrong was I?

OP posts:
MurmuratingStarling · 22/03/2022 11:21

Urgh he sounds utterly repugnant. Confused

If you have no children with him, dump him FFS. Imagine the next 50 years with him. Bet he is selfish in the sack too. AND mean with money/doesn't pool finances. I'm right aren't I?

LampLighter414 · 22/03/2022 11:22

Sounds like he wants you to be only his personal doormat and nobody elses

LoganberryJam · 22/03/2022 11:23

What? HE is happy to offer up YOUR time but doesn't like it when YOU offer up your own time? I don't understand this at all! I could sort of understand it if he felt you were spreading yourself too thinly outside the family. But the bit about him offering your time makes no sense at all!

LadyLolaRuben · 22/03/2022 11:24

You sound lovely and these traits are who you are so don't ever change. He basically doesn't want you to help others if its not on his terms. Sorry OP, he doesn't sound very nice

Therealjudgejudy · 22/03/2022 11:24

I agree he sounds completely selfish and controlling

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:26

@MurmuratingStarling
Sorry but you are wrong about all of those things - money is always tight but he does not control it and we do pool our finances, he is not selfish in the sack and we do have a child together already.
I can see the picture that you are painting though, it is totally understandable that you would draw those conclusions x

OP posts:
oldestmumaintheworld · 22/03/2022 11:26

He sounds like a selfish whiney arse. And I don't care if he is anxious. Being anxious doesn't give you the right to be a sulky manchild.

Limer · 22/03/2022 11:27

It sounds like he considers you as his employee/servant. He isn't stopping you helping others when it's his idea. But he's annoyed if you have the idea and volunteer yourself.

He sounds awful.

LadyLolaRuben · 22/03/2022 11:28

I think if you stopped helping and supporting others you would likely become very unhappy long term. It seems to be how you like spending some of your time. It seems to enable you to socialise but be supportive and have purpose at the same time

MurmuratingStarling · 22/03/2022 11:30

[quote MySaturday]@MurmuratingStarling
Sorry but you are wrong about all of those things - money is always tight but he does not control it and we do pool our finances, he is not selfish in the sack and we do have a child together already.
I can see the picture that you are painting though, it is totally understandable that you would draw those conclusions x[/quote]
If you say so. Wink

Allthesefolks · 22/03/2022 11:31

“I always go the extra mile to ensure that his needs are met and his routine is not disrupted.“

This sticks out to me, why do you do this? He’s an adult not a small child. It’s nice to do things for your partner but it’s not your responsibility to ensure his needs are constantly met. Does he do the same for you? He sounds really mean spirited.

Bunce1 · 22/03/2022 11:31

So Hang on....

He offers up your time and skills willy nilly, but if you arrange something he is put out?

Say what now???

He sounds like a bit of a prick really.

Shoxfordian · 22/03/2022 11:32

I wouldn’t want a 2year old overnight so that does sound fairly disruptive tbh

Stop doing 90% of everything op

Caiti19 · 22/03/2022 11:33

Borrow away! :) I have a sort of philosophical view of it. My Dad used to say "you can only put out what was put into you" - and I think there's great wisdom in that. I grew up in a house with parents who would bend over backwards for us, who were very kind to people who needed help etc. My husband's house was the opposite. It takes all sorts to make a world and all that jazz. I don't think I am better than anyone else, but I am who I am, my instincts are what they are - and that should be respected by others. I cooked dinners for elderly neighbours when the pandemic first struck. My husband was cursing (semi jokingly) as I sent him away with them in the car, but he still delivered them. He would never in a month of Sundays do that, whereas I would feel an intense burden of guilt and worry about those people if I didn't. My empathy levels are roughly 80 times greater than my husband's. I have so many stories about his family, but too outing to relate them. Now that you have made me think about it, I do sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to be with someone more like me. Oh well.