DP Stops Me From Helping Others

[MySaturday]

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@HelpMeHiveMind
Do you try and dictate to - and manipulate- others though? Which is what OP’s partner is doing, anxiety or no anxiety[/quote]
If I'm honest, yes I probably do. But as I say it is entirely reactionary. I always feel bad about it after when my "rational" brain kicks in and will almost always back down and voluntarily back peddle if given breathing space. I do try to be conscious of it, but it's not always easy to control. No idea if this is the same for Op's DH or not - everyone is different. But she clearly doesn't feel he's the demon people are suggesting he is, and sometimes people just need different ways of working with their flaws - rightly or wrongly, but if you love them, that's how it is - to get the outcome you wanted.

@HelpMeHiveMind
Have you sought help with this then? Because it’s really not fair to try and dictate to others and to manipulate them in order to make yourself feel better

Having a better work / life balance has benefited me and everyone around me.
@MySaturday
How has it benefited you?
How has it benefited H?

Long term, what are the implications for your individual financial status?
Long term, what are the implications for your H's financial status?

Short term, what are the implications when it comes to division of labour in the home, and parenting?
Who is the immediate beneficiary of this in financial terms?
Who is the long term beneficiary of this in financial terms?
What is the effect of this in financial terms?
In terms of career?
In terms of the balance of power in the relationship?

@Brefugee

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.

Yeah, stop doing that. He promises things, he can deliver.
As for the rest - just carry on being you. But do you envisage a future together?

That, surely is the relevant question.

He sounds controlling and selfish, perhaps you can do better....

Your sneery attitude is not very helpful.

oldestmumaintheworld

I’m with you on this (and it’s a situation I’m
In too…but that’s another story)!

On reading your posts and sorry if I've missed something, I did skim a bit. Some things stood out.
I think that sulking (although it may not be a conscious decision but a reaction) is a form of punishing your for your choices... when it could be discussed instead. Its a way of making you change your behaviour. So this might be something that has to be address because you sound so accommodating and determined to be fair that it feels that you deserve the same consideration in return.
Secondly, what stood out to me was your comment that
I have enabled DP's behaviour by trying to shield him from anything that he will find challenging. I am seeing clearly for the first time that this is actually not helpful in the long term. In fact, it is making it more upsetting for him whenever there is a disruption. I can't possibly make things always run smoothly for him
Nor should you!!!
Disruptions are a fact of life and it feels from how you've described it that these are somehow your "fault" that you haven't sufficiently smoothed the path for him, you haven't done your job of making his life just that bit easier. We want to do that for our partners, but it doesn't mean that we can all just blame them for any bumps along the way.
You are his partner. Not his personal assistant. And you don't deserve the sulking.
Theother thing that stood out is when you mentioned that you take on the bulk of housework/childcare anything else because you work part time.
You DONT work part time. You are working full full time and you don't have to "apologise" and make up for the fact that he has more paid hours in the week than you do and that this imbalance in valuation has led to you taking on an extra load. And doing extra favours for others, which you enjoy, is resented and has to be apologised for somehow. In the instance of looking after the toddlers for one night. Its one night and you have said you will take the strain of that but from the way you write, it feels like you are still in the dog house for agreeing to it, even though it will have relatively little impact on him.

I don't mean this to come across as harsh. Its just an observation based on your posts. We all have our faults but your set up as you described it does come across as you having to make up for a) not working full time when he is, which means realistically that there is not as much "value" placed on your time and labour and b) making up for not sufficiently protecting him from disruptions. It just seems like maybe you should rethink the weight that is given to what you do and what you are expected to do and that he should be encouraged to consider things more from your point of view.

Omg my DH is exactly the same!! I genuinely do not understand it

Red flags!

Excellent post, @DuckbilledSplatterPuff.

Somehow or other, this man has sold the OP the idea that the two people in this relationship are valued according to how much money they bring in.

Less income means more of the drudgery (which he refuses to do) falls on your shoulders, and you are also signed up for drudgery he wants you to do for people he values (baking and chauffeur duties).

There's a clear statement about the pecking order in the relationship in the arrangement you have arrived at.

He greatly values his income. The fact that it is greater than yours puts him on top, in his own mind.

He doesn't value what you contribute.

Good luck with everything OP, I hope you find a way forward.

We have one life, we dont live forever and its such a shame to spend it with controlling, selfish prople who arrogantly afford themselves the right to steal your joy.

There is no reward but misery in old age, staying with someone like that. Its not even worth it for the sake of company.

Please remember that however important he may believe himself to be - you are important too. & life and time is precious

He's always volunteering you for things...

But he sulks/gets cross when you volunteer yourself...

That is (a) weird and somehow revolting and (b) why are you doing so much of the work in this relationship and (c) why are you doing all this extra work outside of it, anyway? The whole thing is warped.

Help people. It makes you feel good x

What is DP doing about his anxiety? He needs counselling. He doesn’t need to be like that and ruin everyone’s life! You need to insist on him tackling it, not you enabling it.

Just wanted to say you sound like a lovely kind generous thoughtful person and I can imagine you have a heap of friends. I'm not going to comment on your relationship because it doesn't feel necessary x

So he can sign you up for things without your say so but you cant do things yourself.... sounds like a controlling man baby!

I would find yourself 'unavailable' when he books you up as he is really using you, most probably to gain kudos from others for himself by offering your help. It's time to put your foot down - you organize your time and who you help and if he hasnt cleared it with you BEFORE offering - it's not happening

Exactly this. Grown men sulking wtf is that? Find yourself a grown up who has your back and supports your lovely kind nature.

@ScreamingBeans

but I always go the extra mile to ensure that his needs are met and his routine is not disrupted.

I thought you were talking about an 8 year old with SN for a moment, then I read again and realized you're talking about a grown ass adult.

Presumably she is happy with that and enjoys being a slave. Not sure why the original post was made really, some sort of attention-seeking I suppose. The majority reaction should have been anticipated.

Op left when PP pointed out that the “help” was what most mothers do without thinking, and he should realise that nothing particularly out of the ordinary

@Bunce1

So Hang on....

He offers up your time and skills willy nilly, but if you arrange something he is put out?

Say what now???

He sounds like a bit of a prick really.

THIS!

I think there are some things being said that don’t need repeating but a couple of things really stand out to me:

-OP, you are a very kind and generous person. You actually do a lot for other people. I haven’t met many people like you, so please don’t underestimate how special that is. It sounds like you are not exhausted from all that you do(?) so on that basis it’s all reasonable.

-I can understand your DP not wanting other people/children in the house and this might need discussing beforehand.

-Putting aside the issue of him volunteering your services (it’s debatable) I think a bigger question is this: What exactly do you mean when you say he sulks? What does it look like? Does he refuse to talk to you? How do you know he’s sulking? How long does it go on for? How is it resolved, I.e. why and when does it stop?

I really hope you will have a think and and answer these specifics. It’s not clear to me exactly what sulking means in this situation

The looking after friends' little ones when they have a temporary or one off problem is not the same as looking after that child for free every week, doing neighbours' shopping was the sort of thing that many volunteered to do during lockdown. Making 5 dinners and probably delivering them, is this something that he has persuaded you into doing?

If he could possibly learn to drive that would be really helpful but obviously not all can if medically unfit or if disqualified, but could he drop the dinners round on a bike or on the bus
If you decide to help someone then keep doing it, hope one day you will get help in return although I know that's not why you are doing it
As for him treating you as a wife appliance, in retrospect I shouldn't have put up with it, maybe you might decide you shouldn't put up with it either

Yes, he's the Big Man offering her services to his family like she is a tool he has in his garage!🙄

If you say so. wink

Well, I think we can close nominations for Most Smug and Mean-Spirited Post of 2022.