DP Stops Me From Helping Others

[MySaturday]

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

To be honest, you sound a bit like my friend's mother, who spent her entire life putting other people first - didn't matter who it was, her own children/husband, her best friend, the postman, the woman who worked in the local butcher, the PTA etc, and had no life of her own.

Everybody thought this woman was a saint, but actually she had some weird kind of people-pleasing/saviour complex and was, in real life, an insufferable martyr.

What do you get out of your life, OP? Do you ever do anything for yourself or is everything about other people?

@RedWingBoots
DP does less of the childcare but only because I work PT. I would say that it is a 30/70 split over the week, so he does a fair amount. We do share any night time stuff - in fact he probably gets up more during the night than I do, but then I do the early morning starts so it balances out. I have made it absolutely clear that I will be the one up all night if the 2YO comes to stay though - I think that is fair.

If someone asked me if my OH would do something I'd just say "I'll ask him and let you know" then it's up to him if he does it or not.

I would never ever say "yes" and create an obligation for him unless it's an absolute emergency ie someone at the hospital etc.

@Keepitonthedownlow

When women offer to do things for others it is part of being in a community and seeking connection with others. So the less you do the more socially isolated you can become. It's no different to a man saying you can't see your friends. You have needs and wants and he shouldn't dictate what you do with your time.

Absolutely!

Isolate your victim - first rule of coercive control.

How could he possibly ensure the OP is his anxiously compliant and unquestioning servant if other people provide a different perspective?

Friends/family are too big a threat to be tolerated. Once they are gone it will be far easier to destabilise the OP at will.

I don't think your partner is a bad man, OP. I understand why you feel the need to defend him right now, and I'm sure much of your life is happy together.

But he does sound like a selfish man. He puts his own needs - for structure, for routine, for comfort, for ease - in front of your own, and he punishes you by sulking if you violate that.

He is controlling your behaviour by doing so. Do you find yourself regularly changing your own needs and wants to avoid upsetting him? Do you apologize for things when you're not actually at fault? These aren't the signs of a healthy partnership.

He sounds very immature in several ways. Not his anxiety, but smaller things. For instance, not being able to cook? I don't expect everyone to be a chef or love cooking, but an adult who can't make an omelette or a simple grilled meat and cooked veg is worrisome. A person who can't drive but relies on others to do so (and indeed volunteers them) is worrisome. It's like he's not a fully-fledged adult.

Are you married?

@TokyoSushi

You sound lovely OP! He sounds like a selfish arse!

That seems to sum it up.

Why do you do what he volunteers you for?

Say no for goodness sake!

He prefers you to be at home at night-well yes-but lets say you were going to your friend's house to look after her 2yr old-why would that be a problem?

"The problem arises when I have offered to help someone and he fears that he will be put out by that"

How would he be put out though?

Cooking a meal/doing bedtime when he feels that it's "your turn"?

@implantreplace
Sorry - I have been a bit overwhelmed by how many responses there have been.
Your question re: other people helping me.
YES - I am incredibly fortunate to have a strong circle of friends who are all beautiful and generous souls. We all help each other out.

Please could you let me know the other questions that need addressing?

To be honest... he is treating you like a domestic appliance that he can lend to other people when he wants to. He lends it out quite generously when he doesn't need it. But of course the domestic applicance doesn't get to lend itself out. And it certainly doesn't get to disrupt his evening by (say) bringing home a child that he might have to help look after, not even for one night.

Anxiety can make some people behave like arseholes. That doesn't mean you should just let him do it.

Stop saying that you will expect "nothing" from him. Tell him that the child will be coming and he will be inconvenienced and that you expect him to suck that up, and that no decent person would refuse. Even if it makes him anxious he needs to start overcoming his anxiety at least to that extent. And tell him that no, he does not get to offer your services to other people. He must always ask you first otherwise he will have to tell them himself that you have refused. Let him learn to cope with the embarrassment.

OP, sulking is a way of passively bullying you. Your husband is being controlling and frankly I'd offer him two options: talk to you about it reasonably, and accept that you might not agree, or deal with you going nuclear on him. You absolutely cannot let men get away with this kind of behaviour or your life will become a hell of constant appeasement.

I'm sure he's a perfectly ok partner OP MN is a bit extreme. But this excessive reliance on you will wear thin in the long run.

Anxiety doesn't stop him from cooking or doing more round the house.

Unless you nip this uneven disposal of chores in the bud, when you go back to work FT you will fast get furious.

This is in addition to him understanding not to volunteer you for stuff himself, but to allow you to volunteer for what you want to do.

It might be helpful to install a simple change - if someone asks him if you would do x, y or z his default reply needs to be that he or they ask you direct.

I'd also consider if he sulks at work when things don't go his way because if he doesn't then the sulking actually doesn't have anything to do with anxiety but more likely a learned behaviour from his childhood.

You are obviously happy with him being a professional incompetent. There is no such thing as 'can't' cook, there's 'won't learn' to cook because MySaturday does it all, same as the housework and 70% (bet it's more) of childcare.

You say but I always go the extra mile to ensure that his needs are met and his routine is not disrupted. Does he reciprocate? If so how? Nothing you have written points to him going an extra inch, let alone a mile for you - quite the reverse.

Next time he wants a cake baked I would hand him the recipe and walk away. Except you won't.

You don't have an equal partner, more like two children.

@MySaturday

I was expecting to get the bashing for not putting my DP above others all the time but it seems that he is getting the bashing here and I am a refrigerator / doormat I appreciate that pretty much everyone agrees I should carry on helping others as and when I want to and not pay attention to DP's mean spirit less generous tendencies. I genuinely don't believe he is trying to control me. I should be clear that he does not actually stop me from doing what I want to do, I just get a bit fed up at being met with a wall of sulking (even if it is through anxiety) every time I am trying to help others on my own terms.

But OP, your headline says he stops you from helping others 🤔

I would start volunteering him to do things and see how that works out for him.

This point jumped out at me @MySaturday from a post you wrote earlier:
I do the cooking because he cannot cook. I like cooking and am quite good at it. He does the washing up because I do the cooking. He occasionally runs a vacuum around the house, but I do the bulk of the housework. I have more time to do this and in honesty I have higher standards when it comes to cleaning! If I don't get around to it he isn't particularly bothered.

You do the cooking because if you didn't, neither you nor your 2yr old would be fed as he DOESN'T cook, not cannot, doesn't. He could learn to cook, he could teach himself or go to classes to learn some recipes, but he doesn't because you do it.

Same with the cleaning. He should be doing some of it, not just running the vacuum over the floor every now and again. He should see the dirt and clean it up. He is, after all, contributing to the dirt in the first place.

As a grown adult, he is setting an example to your 2yr old that blokes can sit on their arses and do little around the house and women are supposed to do the majority of the housework. What sort of a message is that sending out to your 2yr old?

He's telling you very clearly that he views you as his alone & he will decide what you are permitted to do.

Just tell him that some of these traits that he has, are very annoying for you, and he should not sulk over such things that you choose to do.

Some of his family members are extremely selfish and I am sure that they coerce him into offering cakes and things.

Why isn't he protecting you from their selfishness and coercion? Why is he passing it straight on to you?

I am sure that he says yes because he knows that 9/10 times I would be happy to oblige,

Him saying yes is disrespectful. Even if you would say yes every single time it's still basic good manners to ask you first.

And there is a disconnect between calling his family selfish people who coerce him offering things, and saying that you are happy to oblige. Who is happy doing things for extremely selfish people?

[quote MySaturday]@implantreplace
Sorry - I have been a bit overwhelmed by how many responses there have been.
Your question re: other people helping me.
YES - I am incredibly fortunate to have a strong circle of friends who are all beautiful and generous souls. We all help each other out.

Please could you let me know the other questions that need addressing?[/quote]
So you’ve needed help and support
And they helped you and been “wonderful”

In that case, he is being unfair and selfish

I had wondered whether he was concerned that you were being taken advantage of. But not the case.

Op - re read your OP
Then read you follow up posts
They don’t really exist alongside one another!

I do agree that mumsnet always jumps to the dark side and it’s infuriating when they don’t listen to the op

But seriously - just read the title of your thread

You DP “stops you”

If it was from one of your wonderful circle of friends - what would you say if they told you this?

* I am hoping that if I do this he will just get used to it! *

So it’s a recent development? Hon being pissed off or you helping people?

Well, I don't want to pile on, but your update does not fill me with confidence. He will happily have his routine disrupted so you can bake a cake for his family, because HE likes them, or maybe because HE initiated that use of your time, but not so you can do something for someone YOU like. And as someone pointed out, when you do things for YOUR friends, that builds your own community of people who will support YOU.

So, does his family support you at all? Do they do nice things for you? Help with the kids? Or is all your effort only supposed to be helping others who give nothing in return (or maybe only people who give back to HIM), and does he resent when you invest in relationships with people who help YOU.

He thinks you’re his resource, OP.

Not a loving attitude. You sound very generous and engaged.

By the way, what would happen in the following situations:

• if one day you were either really tired and couldn't do something that he nominates you to do

• that it is for someone that you don't want to do a favour for (you don't like the person or the task you've been nominated for)
• you just don't want to do it (no other reason required, just that you don't want to do it)

What would he do or say in those situations?

Having a ready meal because you haven't prepared dinner? That's just lazy. I'm sorry but it is. I mean it takes no time at all to make some pasta or boil some boil-in-the-bag rice and then to have something to accompany it, takes a few minutes. Plus it means that he doesn't have to learn how to cook because he might be tasked with preparing dinner some evening...gets him off the hook for that one.

I have had a chance to read more of the comments on here, but forgive me if I do not have time to respond to them all individually.
I thank you all for taking time out of your day to offer your opinions. This thread did not go the way I was expecting it to.

To those of you concerned that I am in a controlling and abusive relationship: I can assure you that this is absolutely not the case. I know that you will not believe this and it is not for me to spend any more time trying to persuade you.

I don't consider myself a doormat, but I can see that I have enabled DP's behaviour by trying to shield him from anything that he will find challenging. I am seeing clearly for the first time that this is actually not helpful in the long term. In fact, it is making it more upsetting for him whenever there is a disruption. I can't possibly make things always run smoothly for him and it is not my job to do so - as much as I would like him to never feel discomfort. I am effectively treating him like a child in this regard.

I have realised in the course of this thread that the need to help other people is inherently within me. I feel completely connected when I am able to help others and without doing it I would be completely adrift. This doesn't mean I am a saint, it is just something that gives me purpose and satisfaction. I need to make that clear to DP and explain that he can trust me to always put our family first but his support (and not resistance) would make my life a lot more fulfilled.