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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP Stops Me From Helping Others

280 replies

MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:05

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

OP posts:
Sidge · 22/03/2022 12:00

But he IS controlling you, with his behaviour.

His sulking makes you doubt yourself, and adapt your behaviour accordingly.

Sulking is control.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/03/2022 12:00

@MySaturday

Why were you expecting a bashing?! Do you really think all us women on here pander to their partners in the way you do? Meeting his “needs” and keeping to his “routine” like he’s about 3 years old?! Lol.

If my partner volunteered my time to give lifts to family members or bake or whatever I wouldn’t stand for it. I decide what I do, no one else.

Oh and sulking is a massive form of control and manipulation. He sounds so irritating and pathetic! Honestly how can you find this man attractive??

Hoppinggreen · 22/03/2022 12:01

Sulking IS actually an attempt to stop you doing things

cherryonthecakes · 22/03/2022 12:03

I always go the extra mile to ensure that his needs are met and his routine is not disrupted.

This is your problem. He thinks that only his needs count.

Yanbu to help your friend (so what if it's overnight?) and you would be reasonable to tell him to stop volunteering you got stuff.

thebabynanny · 22/03/2022 12:05

So you belong to him and his list of priorities are:

  • servicing all his needs at home
  • doing things for his family when he wants you to

And you doing things outside of what suits him is unacceptable?

It's very clear what your role is in his life!

CailleachGranda · 22/03/2022 12:05

@MySaturday

I definitely envisage a future together and generally speaking I just keep doing what I want to do and ignore the sulks. I am hoping that if I do this he will just get used to it! He is an anxious person who highly values a strong sense of routine and I think the sulking comes from a place of panic - but I always go the extra mile to ensure that his needs are met and his routine is not disrupted.
AKA tiptoeing around a selfish arsehole
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/03/2022 12:05

Sounds to me like the only help he allows you to give (without sulking) is the stuff he has volunteered you for.

How dare you have thoughts, wishes, and autonomy of your own you naughty woman. Don't you know Men are in charge of us?

Hmm
Flatandhappy · 22/03/2022 12:06

So he volunteers you for things he will probably get thanked for and can bask in the glow of other people thinking what a nice person he is but resents you deciding to offer your time for things you choose are important to you in case he is inconvenienced. He sounds quite unpleasant tbh but obviously has enough redeeming features for you to stick around.

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 12:07

I think a lot is being made of me ensuring that DP's needs are met etc.
His "needs" are not exactly unreasonable - it is fairly common place for someone with anxiety to take comfort in a sense of routine. This actually doesn't cause me any bother at all - I only mentioned it because I wanted to be clear that I am not volunteering to help people in a way that puts him out. I think he would have a point if I was constantly offering things to other people that left us without basic comforts.

I do the cooking because he cannot cook. I like cooking and am quite good at it. He does the washing up because I do the cooking. He occasionally runs a vacuum around the house, but I do the bulk of the housework. I have more time to do this and in honesty I have higher standards when it comes to cleaning! If I don't get around to it he isn't particularly bothered.

If he volunteers me to do something for his family and I am unable to, I will put my foot down and say no. He doesn't complain if this is the case because he knows that I always will help if I can. He does not take the credit for things that I do.

Some PPs have said that I am a nice person for wanting to help others - surely it is understandable that I want to help DP to feel comfortable too? I am effectively being applauded for helping out friends whilst being called a doormat for making sure my DP has what he needs?

Really, the only problem is the sulking. I wish he could take enjoyment from helping others in the same way that I do. It makes me feel a bit like it is an uphill battle for me to help others and sometimes that is hard. I do wonder if I would offer more of my spare time to people if he was similar to me in that regard.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 22/03/2022 12:08

[quote MySaturday]@CurbsideProphet
To be fair, on our second date he didn't volunteer me to bake a cake for his Mum's Birthday and then berate me for helping an old lady cross the road![/quote]
Why did he get a third date?

Are you a people pleaser?

How does it make you feel when you are volunteered (with or without prior consultation??) for things?

This sounds very toxic and sulking is a form of control/abuse

fuckoffImcounting · 22/03/2022 12:10

Mate, anxiety or not, that wall of sulking is abusive - don't put up with it, educate yourself and DP on the 'silent treatment' as a form of abuse. You sound lovely - I wish you were my neighbour.

Bunce1 · 22/03/2022 12:11

I would leave my child with DH and then go and stay with the friends 2 yo at their house. Would DH be ok with that or insist you stay at home? I would be interested in the answer.

TheOrigRights · 22/03/2022 12:14

My ex was like that - it was because he wanted me to focus everything (time, money, energy) on him.
It was pathetic.

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 12:15

@Bunce1

I would leave my child with DH and then go and stay with the friends 2 yo at their house. Would DH be ok with that or insist you stay at home? I would be interested in the answer.
I think DP would prefer me to be at home, but we don't often spend a night apart. Friend is hoping for home birth, so realistically I cannot go and stay at their house with their 2YO whilst that is going on!
OP posts:
thebabynanny · 22/03/2022 12:15

@MySaturday what does he do for you?

Gilly12345 · 22/03/2022 12:17

He doesn’t want you to help others and is resentful when you do but offers your help when he feels generous.

I definitely think a conversation is needed especially around the offering of lifts to people when he doesn’t drive!

Hertsgirl10 · 22/03/2022 12:18

What? So he can take the piss out of you but no one else can! Ok!!

Tell him to bake stuff for everyone else and do the other things he offers you out for and you do the stuff you want to.

HollowTalk · 22/03/2022 12:20

@Shoxfordian

I wouldn’t want a 2year old overnight so that does sound fairly disruptive tbh

Stop doing 90% of everything op

Oh come off it! One night, that's all - if it means the father couldn't be present at the birth otherwise, would you really refuse?
Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 12:24

@thebabynanny
He does stuff for me - mundane stuff like the washing up (which I hate) but also often buys little cards and writes nice messages in or offers to get a take away on a Saturday etc. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I am happy with the way that he shows affection

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 22/03/2022 12:25

Isn’t it sad that he offers you out for favours but not himself? Isn’t it also sad he sulks when you are your normal generous self with others?

Who spoils you, does you favours, looks after you btw??

BeardyButton · 22/03/2022 12:27

You are a person not a resource that he owns and resents sharing. This would grind my gears.

thebabynanny · 22/03/2022 12:28

[quote MySaturday]@thebabynanny
He does stuff for me - mundane stuff like the washing up (which I hate) but also often buys little cards and writes nice messages in or offers to get a take away on a Saturday etc. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I am happy with the way that he shows affection[/quote]
The washing up isn't "for you" Hmm
Neither is getting a takeaway for the family because he doesn't like cooking!

So you are doing the housework, the driving, most of the childcare, going the extra mile to ensure his needs are all met and his routine isn't disrupted, doing favours for his family...
And he sometimes writes you a nice card?

diamondpony80 · 22/03/2022 12:29

Sulking is extremely manipulative and is a form of abuse.

I've been with a sulker, and many of the traits you've mentioned sound familiar. He also liked to volunteer my services to make himself look good, but hated me doing something for others myself.

I also spent a lot of my time trying to "meet his needs" and make sure his routine wasn't being disrupted. Just so that I could have a calmer, happier household.

Unfortunately, years down the line I realised that what I was dealing with was far more than what I'd previously thought. He turned out to be a narcissist and as the years went on his behaviour got worse.

Sulking and not wanting me to do things for others was just the start. He turned a lot nastier as time went on and I became more independent and less focused on doing everything for him. I see some red flags here that I wouldn't ignore.

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 12:30

"Who spoils you, does you favours, looks after you btw??"

I spoil myself rotten!
Only joking (or am I?) DP does spoil me and look after me.
We look after each other, the problem starts when it comes to looking after others.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 22/03/2022 12:30

You sound lovely OP! He sounds like a selfish arse!