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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP Stops Me From Helping Others

280 replies

MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:05

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 22/03/2022 11:33

but I always go the extra mile to ensure that his needs are met and his routine is not disrupted.

I thought you were talking about an 8 year old with SN for a moment, then I read again and realized you're talking about a grown ass adult.

Rinatinabina · 22/03/2022 11:34

I would be so angry if DH volunteered my time to other people but tried to moan about the things I actually chose to do myself. I’m sorry OP but he is selfish, he wants you to do things that benefit him directly. If you are giving lifts or doing favours for his family and friends he takes some of the glory for it. He gets nothing out of you helping other people.

Rinatinabina · 22/03/2022 11:35

If it was anxiety about routine he wouldn’t want you to help his family either.

iloveruby · 22/03/2022 11:36

What are these "needs" of his which he can't meet by himself? How were these met before your relationship?

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:37

@Shoxfordian
In honesty, the thought of having someone else's 2YO to stay overnight doesn't fill me with joy either, but if it happens it is because my friend is in the middle of giving birth and has not had the opportunity to think of an alternative. I don't want to put her out at an incredibly important moment in her life, so it will be my pleasure to help her in any way that I can (even if I have a sleepless night with two toddlers!)

OP posts:
BigupPemberleyMassive · 22/03/2022 11:38

You are a wife appliance, like a fridge.

It is nice to have one, if someone needs extra freezer space for a few days, fine. But if it's a case that you, as the owner cand make full use of your possession, that's irritating.

That's how he sees you.

eldora · 22/03/2022 11:38

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.

Do you honestly not see the problem with him volunteering you out, let alone volunteering you out and objecting to you volunteering yourself?

Why do you put up with it?

Hoppinggreen · 22/03/2022 11:40

@BigupPemberleyMassive

You are a wife appliance, like a fridge.

It is nice to have one, if someone needs extra freezer space for a few days, fine. But if it's a case that you, as the owner cand make full use of your possession, that's irritating.

That's how he sees you.

Yep He can offer your services because it makes him look good but that doesn’t work if you offer yourself. Plus stop with the not disrupting his routine and meeting his needs bullshit. He’s an adult and you shouldn’t need to do that
HellToTheNope · 22/03/2022 11:40

Your future is going to be miserable with this man. He's only going to get worse. There's no such thing as a happy relationship with a sulker.

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:41

@BigupPemberleyMassive
OUCH

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 22/03/2022 11:43

@MurmuratingStarling

““I always go the extra mile to ensure that his needs are met and his routine is not disrupted.“

WTF?! Why do you do this? Are you his partner or his mummy?! Sounds more like the latter.

Rinatinabina · 22/03/2022 11:46

Yeah tbh my DH is lovely, me going the extra mile is washing his reusable cup for him so it’s ready for the next day. What is he doing for you or is all the consideration one way?

Sidge · 22/03/2022 11:46

Well he clearly sees you as his own appliance, someone who exists to make his own life easier, and by offering your kindness to others you’re potentially making yourself less available to him.

He’s selfish and wants you to meet his needs first and foremost, and by extension those he deems worthy and which make him look more generous and appealing.

It’s not important to him what YOU want and need, only how it affects him. That’s really not very pleasant is it.

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:48

I was expecting to get the bashing for not putting my DP above others all the time but it seems that he is getting the bashing here and I am a refrigerator / doormat Wink
I appreciate that pretty much everyone agrees I should carry on helping others as and when I want to and not pay attention to DP's mean spirit less generous tendencies.
I genuinely don't believe he is trying to control me. I should be clear that he does not actually stop me from doing what I want to do, I just get a bit fed up at being met with a wall of sulking (even if it is through anxiety) every time I am trying to help others on my own terms.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 22/03/2022 11:51

If friend has asked for you to have child then it’s because she has no alternatives. Yes it’s disruptive but it would e callous to say no! Ffs he’s being an asshat. Just tell him to get a grip, and if you can’t offer your own time then he definitely can’t. If he loves you for your caring nature then he has to accept that this isn’t just for him, it’s how you are as a person

CurbsideProphet · 22/03/2022 11:51

He sounds like the sort of man I read about on mumsnet but can't imagine any woman I know IRL considering a second date with, never mind having children and a life together.

GougeAway · 22/03/2022 11:54

What is your ‘D’P doing to sort out his anxiety or is it all down to you? Nothing more unattractive than sulking. My DH had anxiety but manages to be thoughtful and helpful to others.

He is going to struggle with a child in the home with his inflexible attitude. With kids you need to roll with things sometimes.

WheekestLink · 22/03/2022 11:54

@MySaturday

I was expecting to get the bashing for not putting my DP above others all the time but it seems that he is getting the bashing here and I am a refrigerator / doormat Wink I appreciate that pretty much everyone agrees I should carry on helping others as and when I want to and not pay attention to DP's mean spirit less generous tendencies. I genuinely don't believe he is trying to control me. I should be clear that he does not actually stop me from doing what I want to do, I just get a bit fed up at being met with a wall of sulking (even if it is through anxiety) every time I am trying to help others on my own terms.
Sulking is a form of control, a very powerful one.
Thelnebriati · 22/03/2022 11:54

I'll never forget a post by a Mumsnetter who had to go into hospital for surgery, and another mother at school that she hardly knew other than as a face at the school gates offered to take her kids, so they didn't have to go into foster care. She didnt make a big song and dance about it, she just did it, and things went back to normal afterwards.
OP, it strikes me that you are like that mother who just did the decent thing. But your partner is not.
Does he ever volunteer to do things himself? If you challenge him about his sulking, would he actually work on changing his attitude or would he just mask his irritation?
Sulking is an red flag for controlling behaviour, its a mistake to ignore it. Its the sulking itself which is the attempt to control you. You are supposed to read his moods and adjust your behaviour to suit him.
The question is, will he change or does he think he is right?

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:54

@CurbsideProphet
To be fair, on our second date he didn't volunteer me to bake a cake for his Mum's Birthday and then berate me for helping an old lady cross the road!

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 22/03/2022 11:56

Look again at your thread title...

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2022 11:56

He is confident to regularly volunteer you for things. (Wtf?!)

But if you offer to help someone he doesnt actually stop you (how would he?, you mean he doesn't block the doorway?) He sulks. This is due to his anxiety?

Pull the other one.

YNK · 22/03/2022 11:56

So long as you know you will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your time as a couple and you can put up with the sulking and accusations of not putting him first, then go for it.
I predict he will start to disrupt your efforts for others, probably at the 11th hour so your relationships are destroyed (because he's likely also feeding people the tale of how unreliable you are)
I could write his script, so familiar am I with coercive control.

Juniper68 · 22/03/2022 11:57

@CurbsideProphet

He sounds like the sort of man I read about on mumsnet but can't imagine any woman I know IRL considering a second date with, never mind having children and a life together.
Ditto
leatherboundbooks · 22/03/2022 11:58

having a 2 year old overnight would be hard but, it's a one-off and exceptional circs, I had to call in a favour from a friend when I had my second, no family nearby. Could you go to your friend's house maybe ?
I used to make sure that anything I did didn't impact on now ex, when I look back it was ridiculous, things were exactly the same for him but it was bloody hard work doing everything I would normally have done on top of being away for however long, whether it was a few hours or a day, always come back to what he hadn't done either
I'd want him at least to consult without volunteering you for anything. But meanness and treating you as a wife appliance does not bode well for the long term future, eventually you will get heartily sick of it. IT will be the same if you start working full time
When I went back to work it was part time and I kept up with voluntary stuff, but in fact he started doing less round the house, when I say less I mean none. And expected me to pick up the slack if his parents waned anything doing, so he didn't have to