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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP Stops Me From Helping Others

280 replies

MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:05

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 22/03/2022 12:58

I wouldn't be happy with a random two year old landing at my house for an overnight stay. This needs to be agreed first.

andysgirl22 · 22/03/2022 12:59

Can i just say op you sound lovely natured please don't go changing yourself for the worse. X

thebabynanny · 22/03/2022 13:00

@MySaturday

"The washing up isn't "for you" hmm Neither is getting a takeaway for the family because he doesn't like cooking!

So you are doing the housework, the driving, most of the childcare, going the extra mile to ensure his needs are all met and his routine isn't disrupted, doing favours for his family...
And he sometimes writes you a nice card?"

I don't think that your comments are very fair when I have clearly said that I am happy with how he shows affection.

Also, when I am doing the housework, cooking etc you make it sound like I am doing all of this for him but when he does the washing up or gets a take away this isn't something nice he does for me?

You said yourself, your DP doesn't want you to do anything for anyone else that would disrupt his usual service.

You do the majority of the work to keep your household running. You go the extra mile to ensure his needs are met. You always accommodate the favours he requires of you the best that you can.
In return, his contribution to the family is washing up, and occasionally a takeaway because he won't cook.

In what ways does he accommodate your needs? What does he do to go the extra mile for you?

You're his partner and the best you can say about him is that when he's not sulking about you not doing what he wants, he sometimes writes you a nice card.

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 13:01

The default position is very much that DP does the washing up - I hate it and he does it every night. It is not a bonus and not exclusively for me, but I appreciate him doing it. I think it is important to appreciate things our other halves do for us.
He appreciates my cooking - he hates cooking and cannot do it, so if I am out he has a ready meal. He thanks me for doing the cooking (and other things that I do).

OP posts:
2Hot2Handle · 22/03/2022 13:05

If your long-term plan is to stay with your DP, then surely now is the time to make your position clear, before you put down roots/have DC and you’re stuck with the situation, as it currently is.
Sit your DP down and tell him that you love helping other people and will always help where you can. Reassure him that he needn’t worry; that you will ensure your welfare, mental health and relationship are looked after, but that you have room in your life for both.
Tell him that this includes doing things to help his family too, but that you’d expect him to check with you first, before volunteering your time (use a couple of examples regarding lifts and cooking, where this hasn’t been the case). After all, you’d never volunteer him for something without checking with him first, because it’s the decent thing to do and you’re a team.
These are all reasonable points and his reaction, will say a lot, as to whether he is capable of changing his behaviour.
If he sulks in future situations, remind him of your conversation and say you don’t like the sulking, as you’re allowed to spend your time how you like.

If he volunteers you again without asking, remind him of your conversation and ask him to apologise to the person he promised, for not checking with you first, as you’re unable to help them in this instance.

Basically, tell him he needs to change, then retrain him and see how you get on!

TatianaBis · 22/03/2022 13:05

What happens when you go back to work FT. I'll answer that: you will still do all the stuff you're doing now.

There's no reason why a grown assed man can't learn to cook. Or pick up a hoover more regularly. Or employ a cleaner.

Bluetrews25 · 22/03/2022 13:06

Him doing the washing up 'for you' is not a favour. They are his dirty plates and he should be doing his share. Do you thank him for doing it? Does he expect thanks? Does he thank you for cooking his dinner/ cleaning his bathroom / changing his bed / doing his laundry? Probably not, because that is your job, apparently.
He gets a takeout because he wants one. He clearly isn't fussed by you doing all the cooking or he would make the effort to have a go himself, wouldn't he?
Very interesting that he only offers your services for things that he 'can't' do. So he couldn't possibly offer to do them himself, because he 'can't'. But he's happy not to attempt to learn, not to try, but will increase your workload. Why is that???

TatianaBis · 22/03/2022 13:06

As to volunteering you - you do your own volunteering and he works around it.

Tdcp · 22/03/2022 13:06

Op you sound like me 7 years ago. I hope you don't end up like me now, it's utterly soul destroying not having your needs met or even acknowledged for the sake of someone else and their "anxiety". I say it like that because yes he has anxiety .. and it was severe but it's also an excuse not to things he should. It doesn't matter how bad I feel, how sick I am etc, I still have to go to the shops / do the school run / any other commitments, he doesn't because he's "anxious". I used to think I was being the best partner. I actually was just being a doormat and he's even told me so now. I hope your turn out is better than mine.

LindaEllen · 22/03/2022 13:08

I know some people who genuinely offer to do all sorts for people, to the detriment of their home lives, as they enjoy feeling useful. Assuming you're not that extreme, YANBU.

implantreplace · 22/03/2022 13:09

I am curious

All the people that you “help”

Do they offer similar help / support to you?

MintJulia · 22/03/2022 13:10

He's happy to control what you do - cooking for family etc, but resents anything outside his control. If so, that has red flags all over it.

I think you need to tell him firmly that you are a grown woman and you will offer to help people, as and when you see fit. That you enjoy helping people, it is part of who you are, and you do not appreciate him sulking when you do.

If he kicks off, you'll know what you're dealing with. Personally I think he's trying to control you and isolate you from your female friends.

cherryonthecakes · 22/03/2022 13:10

If your child refuses to do household chores like cook would you just allow them to copy their dad and not bother teaching them?

Sulking is a method of control that most people grow out of when they try in childhood and others ignore that behaviour. I'm surprised that you can find any attraction to a grown man trying that tactic.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/03/2022 13:14

"He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can."

"DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service"

So he doesn't have a problem with you helping other people, not really. It's just that he wants to control who you help. You have said "He does not take the credit for things that I do." Even if he doesn't take the credit, he will still be given the credit by those family members he volunteers your services to, won't he? He enhances himself in his and their eyes at your expense (of time, effort). If you help someone not selected by him, well - what's in it for him? Nothing.

I don't like sulkers at the best of times, but your DP sounds like a selfish arse.

FinallyHere · 22/03/2022 13:15

everyone to give me a bashing for offering up my time without considering the feelings of DP

Just can't get over the idea that he 'stops' you doing the things you choose to do for friends then offers your services without checking for his circle.

Speechless

BoodleBug51 · 22/03/2022 13:15

So basically he objects to your kindness and your generosity if they are directed at anyone other than him?

LagunaBubbles · 22/03/2022 13:16

should be clear that he does not actually stop me from doing what I want to do, I just get a bit fed up at being met with a wall of sulking (even if it is through anxiety) every time I am trying to help others on my own terms.

You need to read up a bit on coercive control. Of course he's not going to say "don't do this" verbally to you, too early and too obvious. Which is where the sulking comes in, eventually you will stop doing things to avoid him sulking at you.

marqueses · 22/03/2022 13:16

He can't drive, he can't cook and he sucks like a toddler

Sounds, great partner material Hmm

Hertsgirl10 · 22/03/2022 13:17

If you’re genuinely happy with the relationship, how he behaves, how he stops you doing what you like, why are you here? You’re replies make him sound like he does no wrong at all.

I hope you see what it is eventually but for now I don’t think any advice is going to help you, sadly.

RedWingBoots · 22/03/2022 13:20

I feel sorry for your child especially when they hit puberty.

RedWingBoots · 22/03/2022 13:23

@Viviennemary

I wouldn't be happy with a random two year old landing at my house for an overnight stay. This needs to be agreed first.
Only if he does at least 50% of the parenting of their own child.

It's not like he sounds like one who gets up in the night. It will be the OP will be dealing with two toddlers who will think it is some sort of party/game that one is sleeping in the others house.

DameHelena · 22/03/2022 13:23

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people

and yet he sulks when you do do these things? Confused
For starters, tell him to stop 'volunteering' you. You can offer assistance as and when you want to; it's not up to him.

This also stopped me: I do the cooking because he cannot cook.
No. I assume he is a competent and physically able adult –if so then there is no 'cannot' about it and he doesn't cook because you allow him not to. You do the cooking because he WILL NOT cook.

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 13:25

I have made a frightful hash of this.
I know that many of you will not believe me, but my DP is honestly a good partner. Not perfect, but who is?
He has been seeking help for his anxiety and the need for routine is less rigid now that we have our own DC. Of course he will put himself out for me and our DC, he loves us! The problem arises when I have offered to help someone and he fears that he will be put out by that - he does not love this other person so he is not so able to see past the discomfort. I do make every effort to allow his routine because I love him and I want him to be comfortable. If some of you think I am a doormat for that, I will take it on the chin.

Some of his family members are extremely selfish and I am sure that they coerce him into offering cakes and things. I am sure that he says yes because he knows that 9/10 times I would be happy to oblige, so what is the point in digging his heals in. On the occasions that I cannot help I / he will explain to the family member and it is not a big deal.
I genuinely only mentioned his routine / him volunteering me to do things so that everyone understood that I am not putting other people over my own family. I did not want to give the impression that I am always offering help to others without considering my DP, DC and our extended family. As @aloris says, there is a balance and I wanted to give a clear picture.

OP posts:
implantreplace · 22/03/2022 13:26

Not so much as “frightful hash”

Now a steadfast refusal to answer the questions being posted

Thelnebriati · 22/03/2022 13:27

You know, its ok to say 'no' to a request and it shouldnt be a big deal. Its not digging your heels in or putting your foot down.